[ He feels the rise and fall of Daddy's breathing. (He hears him - Daddy's here, just as he whispers in the dark when Enri jolts awake from the sound of gunfire that exists only in his head.) He feels fingers carding through his hair and slowly, slowly, he eases.
Darius kisses him, and he raises his eyes, reeling still from the thought that had slunk in moments ago, insidious whispers that Darius might not stick up for him. But he knows that's not true, doesn't he? Looking up at his god, he knows he wouldn't have let anyone - anyone - say a word against Enri. (He can't imagine it. He tries. He tries to find some scenario where Rin complains about him, or Sen tells Darius to keep him in check, or calls him an idiot, and all of these thoughts burn themselves to ash.) (Daddy loves him.) (Darius loves him.)
He made Darius proud. Darius isn't angry with him, and that's all that matters. It's all that should matter. (Isn't it?) (...Is it?)
Bowing his head once more, he lets himself drift in the embrace. He breathes in the scent of his everything, his world, his love. He feels eased, comforted, sure. But not okay. This feels so fucking far from okay, because the problem's still there. He created a problem, and he doesn't know how to fix it.
He thinks about saying Rin hates me, or Rin doesn't want me here. But despite their games, despite him calling Darius 'Daddy', he's not a fucking kid. He can't go crying to Darius to make it all better.
He also can't demand Darius leave. He's having a good time. These are his friends, and he hasn't seen them in a while.
So Enri inhales deeply, breathes out, steadying, steeling himself, and he draws away as far as Darius will allow. Softly, his voice low enough to not be overheard, he answers. ]
I don't think they want me here. And I don't...
[ He looks away and shrugs almost dismissively. Almost. ]
Seems like they think like everyone else, about me. And they're right, because if I was smarter, I wouldn't have had that drink, or said what I did, or said what I did just now.
[ His eyes flicker to Darius and away again. ]
They don't like me. Maybe it's better if I get a cab and wait for you at home. I don't mind.
[ Yeah. Yeah, he does fucking mind. But it's not Daddy's fault.
(It's his own.) (The idea of being at home, without Darius, sinks something heavy and bleak inside him. He feels hollow and leaden all at once.)
He fingers the fabric of Darius's trousers, his jaw working. ]
I'm sorry. I wanted it to go good. Sen really loves you. Misses you. I should have kept my mouth shut.
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Darius kisses him, and he raises his eyes, reeling still from the thought that had slunk in moments ago, insidious whispers that Darius might not stick up for him. But he knows that's not true, doesn't he? Looking up at his god, he knows he wouldn't have let anyone - anyone - say a word against Enri. (He can't imagine it. He tries. He tries to find some scenario where Rin complains about him, or Sen tells Darius to keep him in check, or calls him an idiot, and all of these thoughts burn themselves to ash.) (Daddy loves him.) (Darius loves him.)
He made Darius proud. Darius isn't angry with him, and that's all that matters. It's all that should matter. (Isn't it?) (...Is it?)
Bowing his head once more, he lets himself drift in the embrace. He breathes in the scent of his everything, his world, his love. He feels eased, comforted, sure. But not okay. This feels so fucking far from okay, because the problem's still there. He created a problem, and he doesn't know how to fix it.
He thinks about saying Rin hates me, or Rin doesn't want me here. But despite their games, despite him calling Darius 'Daddy', he's not a fucking kid. He can't go crying to Darius to make it all better.
He also can't demand Darius leave. He's having a good time. These are his friends, and he hasn't seen them in a while.
So Enri inhales deeply, breathes out, steadying, steeling himself, and he draws away as far as Darius will allow. Softly, his voice low enough to not be overheard, he answers. ]
I don't think they want me here. And I don't...
[ He looks away and shrugs almost dismissively. Almost. ]
Seems like they think like everyone else, about me. And they're right, because if I was smarter, I wouldn't have had that drink, or said what I did, or said what I did just now.
[ His eyes flicker to Darius and away again. ]
They don't like me. Maybe it's better if I get a cab and wait for you at home. I don't mind.
[ Yeah. Yeah, he does fucking mind. But it's not Daddy's fault.
(It's his own.) (The idea of being at home, without Darius, sinks something heavy and bleak inside him. He feels hollow and leaden all at once.)
He fingers the fabric of Darius's trousers, his jaw working. ]
I'm sorry. I wanted it to go good. Sen really loves you. Misses you. I should have kept my mouth shut.