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1) Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire. Call it divine intervention.

2) That night ended with a "car accident,” which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.

3) Did he tell you the story about his ex and the handjob at the Parthenon? Because that man’s never been to Greece.

4) Who on earth needs a lapdog when you have your Puppy’s lap?

  5) Fuck off, I broke my foot jumping out the window on YOUR watch so who was really to blame there, hm??

6) Bets on how easily I can slip past security covered in blood, wearing only a robe?

7) where is my Puppy’s lap ;.;.; i need it ;.; how can i recharge ;.; how ca i leave it empty??

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