Vevay, let me be clear on a matter before all else: if I am ever separated from him, it is not your doing. If it had anything to do with you at all, still it would be my fault. My choices, because I know where the risks lie.
[...]
A hypothetical, yes? Supposition only tonight. If I wanted someone - anyone, please, here, because of course, I do not speak of you. Why should I, when we have just met today, even if I have spoken more to you tonight than I have to anyone else in years?
We are speaking of someone I might imagine. Only that.
If I wanted them. If the thought of friendship and nothing more sat like a stone where my heart ought to be. I would make no move while I am married and only for this reason: if she took it as evidence of infidelity, she would make certain I never saw him again. So, you see, it is my choice. My actions.
Never yours.
[...]
[...]
Fuck
...Or the person I imagined. Someone whose name I would speak to myself alone, because no one can prove I have done so.
[...]
Senan thinks we divorced; I had forgotten that. No, he doesn't know. Darius and I did not speak for some time, so I rarely saw Senan or Rin. I don't talk of my troubles to people - and I am not proud of things I have done. I would never repeat them, and I regret them terribly-
No, I will tell you, I think. Maybe it's better you know that once, I was capable of such violence. I'll tell you because you have told me something of substance, something personal, and you should know this of me before you say anything further.
So -
So. I loved thought I loved Madeline. I am beginning to think I saw only a shadow of love Ah I need to be careful where you are conc She was lovely, was clever. I married her and thought we were happy.
There, too, I think I didn't know happiness at all
We had been married only six months when I found her with Darius's brother, Deforest. I flung him in a closet and locked him there, and I am not ashamed of having done that. I called Darius to come for him, then - ah, we fought. I think I lost all sense; she said such things to me, and I to her, until I [...] struck her.
And as though that was not enough to sate the thing howling in me, I pulled Deforest from the closet and drew a gun on him. Darius arrived and put a stop to it.
...He looked at me in such a way that the world came rushing back into clarity, into sense and [...] how I wished it would cave in upon me. I realized I had done something unspeakable to my wife, and again to his brother.
What could I do? How could I ever atone for that? I left her and let her have what she wanted. Money, freedom. I agreed to her [...] relations with others because I would not come near her. I agreed to remain faithful, myself, because I was the one who decided to leave and deny her right as a wife. Put it in writing for her.
I might as well go on, tell you the rest so you see why Senan thinks what he does.
The divorce came later. A year or two, I don't remember. I only remember that we were compelled to six months, a conciliatory period? Then just as the six month neared its end, she said she was pregnant. Ukrainian law defers divorce for a year if there is a pregnancy. Stupidly, I withdrew the petition. I thought I should stay if there is a child. I was [...] perhaps hopeful.
She [...] lost the baby soon after. So, we repeated it all again. Divorce petition, conciliatory period, and pregnancy. I realized maybe this would turn out exactly the same, and maybe 'lost' was not the truth of the other, nor was the paternity, and [...]
[...]
Well, it doesn't matter what I thought.
She swore to me this one was mine, and if I agreed to her terms, she would bring him into the world. [...] Something of that kind. If I did not agree, she said, I was murdering my son
No, no, it doesn't matter
Nothing good came of that marriage but Sergiy. Wretched as I have been, little though I deserve the miraculous, here I have - him.
I waited until he was older to petition again; I knew she would take him when I did, and I wanted him to be able to remember me when I visited or called.
Senan knows none of that because I couldn't bear that look again. Seeing myself reflected in his eyes, or Rin's, or Verne's
[...]
I don't speak of it. That's all.
And I've spoken much now; I would like to say more, to ask you so much, Nova. To know the father in you. I have told you the worst of me, though, and I won't speak of your children alongside that.
no subject
[...]
A hypothetical, yes? Supposition only
tonight. If I wanted someone - anyone, please, here, because of course, I do not speak of you. Why should I, when we have just met today, even if I have spoken more to you tonight than I have to anyone else in years?We are speaking of someone I might imagine. Only that.
If I wanted them. If the thought of friendship and nothing more sat like a stone where my heart ought to be. I would make no move while I am married and only for this reason: if she took it as evidence of infidelity, she would make certain I never saw him again. So, you see, it is my choice. My actions.
Never yours.
[...]
[...]
Fuck...Or the person I imagined. Someone whose name I would speak to myself alone, because no one can prove I have done so.
[...]
Senan thinks we divorced; I had forgotten that. No, he doesn't know. Darius and I did not speak for some time, so I rarely saw Senan or Rin. I don't talk of my troubles to people - and I am not proud of things I have done. I would never repeat them, and I regret them terribly-
No, I will tell you, I think. Maybe it's better you know that once, I was capable of such violence. I'll tell you because you have told me something of substance, something personal, and you should know this of me before you say anything further.
So -
So. I
lovedthought I loved Madeline.I am beginning to think I saw only a shadow of love Ah I need to be careful where you are concShe was lovely, was clever. I married her and thought we were happy.There, too, I think I didn't know happiness at allWe had been married only six months when I found her with Darius's brother, Deforest. I flung him in a closet and locked him there, and I am not ashamed of having done that. I called Darius to come for him, then - ah, we fought. I think I lost all sense; she said such things to me, and I to her, until I [...] struck her.
And as though that was not enough to sate the thing howling in me, I pulled Deforest from the closet and drew a gun on him. Darius arrived and put a stop to it.
...He looked at me in such a way that the world came rushing back into clarity, into sense and [...] how I wished it would cave in upon me. I realized I had done something unspeakable to my wife, and again to his brother.
What could I do? How could I ever atone for that? I left her and let her have what she wanted. Money, freedom. I agreed to her [...] relations with others because I would not come near her. I agreed to remain faithful, myself, because I was the one who decided to leave and deny her right as a wife. Put it in writing for her.
I might as well go on, tell you the rest so you see why Senan thinks what he does.
The divorce came later. A year or two, I don't remember. I only remember that we were compelled to six months, a conciliatory period? Then just as the six month neared its end, she said she was pregnant. Ukrainian law defers divorce for a year if there is a pregnancy. Stupidly, I withdrew the petition. I thought I should stay if there is a child. I was [...] perhaps hopeful.
She [...] lost the baby soon after. So, we repeated it all again. Divorce petition, conciliatory period, and pregnancy. I realized maybe this would turn out exactly the same, and maybe 'lost' was not the truth of the other, nor was the paternity, and [...]
[...]
Well, it doesn't matter what I thought.
She swore to me this one was mine, and if I agreed to her terms, she would bring him into the world. [...] Something of that kind.
If I did not agree, she said, I was murdering my son
No, no, it doesn't matter
Nothing good came of that marriage but Sergiy. Wretched as I have been, little though I deserve the miraculous, here I have - him.
I waited until he was older to petition again; I knew she would take him when I did, and I wanted him to be able to remember me when I visited or called.
Senan knows none of that because
I couldn't bear that look again. Seeing myself reflected in his eyes, or Rin's, or Verne's[...]
I don't speak of it. That's all.
And I've spoken much now; I would like to say more, to ask you so much, Nova. To know the father in you. I have told you the worst of me, though, and I won't speak of your children alongside that.