It's hard to explain. I have to record myself because if I think about it to type it, I just.
Can't. So, um.
Every time I read what you texted me, it's like trying to see something out of the corner of my eye, or...trying to read in a dream. You know how you can never read in dreams? And if I focus on it, I feel a weird pulse.
My head hurts, yeah, but the pulse thing...
I think it's protecting me, or protecting itself, so it's protecting me. It happened when I tried to remember Corbin, too.
When I try to focus on it, I think, um. I think...I think not to think about it, but like someone else is telling me not to think about it. My voice, in my head, don't think about it. Or it's not important.
You wrote, "It's part of what I am." I feel like I know that. And I have this memory from that night in the shop, maybe. I remember...I don't know. I was in so much pain, Desmond, I felt like I was splitting apart, and there was someone I knew I had to reach for who could make me well.
But not you.
But yes, you.
But inward, like I could reach inside myself and through to somewhere else to touch him. You. Augh! Fuck, my head -
[ A moment or two of silence and steadying breaths, a drawn sound of irritation and pain. Finally: ]
I'm okay. I'm okay.
It did it again. Pulse and don't think, don't think, don't think. So I'm not gonna think about it anymore.
But - That knowing again. I just know - Uh. Well. I might know where it is.
2/2
Part of you.
You don't have it, do you.
That dagger?
[ An audio file arrives shortly after.]
I'm going to try and tell you something, but.
It's hard to explain. I have to record myself because if I think about it to type it, I just.
Can't. So, um.
Every time I read what you texted me, it's like trying to see something out of the corner of my eye, or...trying to read in a dream. You know how you can never read in dreams? And if I focus on it, I feel a weird pulse.
My head hurts, yeah, but the pulse thing...
I think it's protecting me, or protecting itself, so it's protecting me. It happened when I tried to remember Corbin, too.
When I try to focus on it, I think, um. I think...I think not to think about it, but like someone else is telling me not to think about it. My voice, in my head, don't think about it. Or it's not important.
You wrote, "It's part of what I am." I feel like I know that. And I have this memory from that night in the shop, maybe. I remember...I don't know. I was in so much pain, Desmond, I felt like I was splitting apart, and there was someone I knew I had to reach for who could make me well.
But not you.
But yes, you.
But inward, like I could reach inside myself and through to somewhere else to touch him. You. Augh! Fuck, my head -
[ A moment or two of silence and steadying breaths, a drawn sound of irritation and pain. Finally: ]
I'm okay. I'm okay.
It did it again. Pulse and don't think, don't think, don't think. So I'm not gonna think about it anymore.
But - That knowing again. I just know - Uh. Well. I might know where it is.
Heh.
Good luck getting it out.