Liked you there, thrived upon your presence. All would’ve been easier, all sorrows turned more toward enduring. And my expectation is and feeling is all hurts would’ve been better, swifter mended, and had more balance by far against their pains. Aye, and how validated’d I have found myself, how sure would I’ve seen myself in your eyes and your voice?
Would’ve been a different world, that’s so.
[ … ]
That transitioning. My transitioning. Part of the trouble speaking it’s that it’s tangled, runs decades back. I’d like to [ … ] speak it with you. Just there’s times I don’t know where to start from, and then for all the roughness through it, I’ve come through all right, and kept myself the whole way through.
What you said, that about being treated badly, I’d not suggest the case were otherwise. Best way to call those first years’d be fraught, speaking the least. Happens that way most often, seems, and fact is I’m luckier than many.
Granted that ain’t saying much. Granted the truth’s it’s fucked, how little support’s there and how many around’re quick for jumping to frenzy, my meaning being frenzy in negating. Frenzy in keeping image as they like it, suits them, don’t muck up their picture of what life should be, which I don’t need to tell you’s a fucked proposition from the go.
[ … ]
The parents I was born to and the brother that was, guessing you’ve gathered they were none of em receptive. Reason I turned up in Burn Bridge, aye. Reason I’d’ve gone off anywhere and count myself lucky for that aunt, shambolic though she herself was.
What I mean’s transition kicked off early, young, myself knowing I’d no match for what they called me. Lucky in itself some ways, to know so sure and young, and I’d not trade the knowing, whatever it brought with.
Lucky also, finding eh, allegiances and friends throughout the way. Burn Bridge came a blessing in that, between the twins and Lolly, Sen, their mums. Those affording employ in spite of my whatever they’d term it, oddities, eh. Had places to live, mostly, and that’s nothing small. All this before any surgeries could be pursued or start seeming in my reach at all.
[ … ]
Here. I know your meaning, that on what’s past alteration or undoing. Truth’s we’ve a choice in looking to what bolsters, what’s sustained and shaped itself as happiness, goodness, parts and moments not sunk down in sorrows.
Truth’s also I’d have valued you, liked you there and all along.
Here’s truth as well though, aye. That you’re speaking all of this at all, talk of how you’d’ve been there. How recovery might’ve been with my boyfriend, my husband, who knows me better than any.
That you’d’ve been beside me through it. That you’d think to say it, and that I know you’d’ve been strong as your word.
That you’d think and entertain this could have been scenario, just as you’d think and wish for Sergiy to have been ours.
It’s nothing surprising, aye not really, not when all aligns with your heart and spirit, that kindness in you and your scope of vision. Still and all it flattens me, knocks me dazed and warms me through.
[ … ]
See what I mean, Talik? There’s luck I’ve got on my side. And no luck surer than what brought me here with you.
2/2
[ … ]
Ah, fuck me.
I’d’ve liked you there all along.
Liked you there, thrived upon your presence. All would’ve been easier, all sorrows turned more toward enduring. And my expectation is and feeling is all hurts would’ve been better, swifter mended, and had more balance by far against their pains. Aye, and how validated’d I have found myself, how sure would I’ve seen myself in your eyes and your voice?
Would’ve been a different world, that’s so.
[ … ]
That transitioning. My transitioning. Part of the trouble speaking it’s that it’s tangled, runs decades back. I’d like to [ … ] speak it with you. Just there’s times I don’t know where to start from, and then for all the roughness through it, I’ve come through all right, and kept myself the whole way through.
What you said, that about being treated badly, I’d not suggest the case were otherwise. Best way to call those first years’d be fraught, speaking the least. Happens that way most often, seems, and fact is I’m luckier than many.
Granted that ain’t saying much. Granted the truth’s it’s fucked, how little support’s there and how many around’re quick for jumping to frenzy, my meaning being frenzy in negating. Frenzy in keeping image as they like it, suits them, don’t muck up their picture of what life should be, which I don’t need to tell you’s a fucked proposition from the go.
[ … ]
The parents I was born to and the brother that was, guessing you’ve gathered they were none of em receptive. Reason I turned up in Burn Bridge, aye. Reason I’d’ve gone off anywhere and count myself lucky for that aunt, shambolic though she herself was.
What I mean’s transition kicked off early, young, myself knowing I’d no match for what they called me. Lucky in itself some ways, to know so sure and young, and I’d not trade the knowing, whatever it brought with.
Lucky also, finding eh, allegiances and friends throughout the way. Burn Bridge came a blessing in that, between the twins and Lolly, Sen, their mums. Those affording employ in spite of my whatever they’d term it, oddities, eh. Had places to live, mostly, and that’s nothing small. All this before any surgeries could be pursued or start seeming in my reach at all.
[ … ]
Here. I know your meaning, that on what’s past alteration or undoing. Truth’s we’ve a choice in looking to what bolsters, what’s sustained and shaped itself as happiness, goodness, parts and moments not sunk down in sorrows.
Truth’s also I’d have valued you, liked you there and all along.
Here’s truth as well though, aye. That you’re speaking all of this at all, talk of how you’d’ve been there. How recovery might’ve been with my boyfriend, my husband, who knows me better than any.
That you’d’ve been beside me through it. That you’d think to say it, and that I know you’d’ve been strong as your word.
That you’d think and entertain this could have been scenario, just as you’d think and wish for Sergiy to have been ours.
It’s nothing surprising, aye not really, not when all aligns with your heart and spirit, that kindness in you and your scope of vision. Still and all it flattens me, knocks me dazed and warms me through.
[ … ]
See what I mean, Talik? There’s luck I’ve got on my side. And no luck surer than what brought me here with you.