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kingdomsofrain2024-01-24 08:25 pm
onefellswoop) wrote in kingdomsofrain2024-01-24 08:25 pmtexts texts texts
this one is for texts!
onefellswoop) wrote in kingdomsofrain2024-01-24 08:25 pm
2/2
[ … ]
Ah, fuck me.
I’d’ve liked you there all along.
Liked you there, thrived upon your presence. All would’ve been easier, all sorrows turned more toward enduring. And my expectation is and feeling is all hurts would’ve been better, swifter mended, and had more balance by far against their pains. Aye, and how validated’d I have found myself, how sure would I’ve seen myself in your eyes and your voice?
Would’ve been a different world, that’s so.
[ … ]
That transitioning. My transitioning. Part of the trouble speaking it’s that it’s tangled, runs decades back. I’d like to [ … ] speak it with you. Just there’s times I don’t know where to start from, and then for all the roughness through it, I’ve come through all right, and kept myself the whole way through.
What you said, that about being treated badly, I’d not suggest the case were otherwise. Best way to call those first years’d be fraught, speaking the least. Happens that way most often, seems, and fact is I’m luckier than many.
Granted that ain’t saying much. Granted the truth’s it’s fucked, how little support’s there and how many around’re quick for jumping to frenzy, my meaning being frenzy in negating. Frenzy in keeping image as they like it, suits them, don’t muck up their picture of what life should be, which I don’t need to tell you’s a fucked proposition from the go.
[ … ]
The parents I was born to and the brother that was, guessing you’ve gathered they were none of em receptive. Reason I turned up in Burn Bridge, aye. Reason I’d’ve gone off anywhere and count myself lucky for that aunt, shambolic though she herself was.
What I mean’s transition kicked off early, young, myself knowing I’d no match for what they called me. Lucky in itself some ways, to know so sure and young, and I’d not trade the knowing, whatever it brought with.
Lucky also, finding eh, allegiances and friends throughout the way. Burn Bridge came a blessing in that, between the twins and Lolly, Sen, their mums. Those affording employ in spite of my whatever they’d term it, oddities, eh. Had places to live, mostly, and that’s nothing small. All this before any surgeries could be pursued or start seeming in my reach at all.
[ … ]
Here. I know your meaning, that on what’s past alteration or undoing. Truth’s we’ve a choice in looking to what bolsters, what’s sustained and shaped itself as happiness, goodness, parts and moments not sunk down in sorrows.
Truth’s also I’d have valued you, liked you there and all along.
Here’s truth as well though, aye. That you’re speaking all of this at all, talk of how you’d’ve been there. How recovery might’ve been with my boyfriend, my husband, who knows me better than any.
That you’d’ve been beside me through it. That you’d think to say it, and that I know you’d’ve been strong as your word.
That you’d think and entertain this could have been scenario, just as you’d think and wish for Sergiy to have been ours.
It’s nothing surprising, aye not really, not when all aligns with your heart and spirit, that kindness in you and your scope of vision. Still and all it flattens me, knocks me dazed and warms me through.
[ … ]
See what I mean, Talik? There’s luck I’ve got on my side. And no luck surer than what brought me here with you.
1/2
Does it feel to you, also, that no matter where you try to start, you think of something that came before, or something later that was more important?
[...]
We have our lives ahead to piece together these fragments, Vevay. You'll speak to me when you're ready, no matter whether you start from the beginning or the end, and I'll hear you. I'll ask questions if I need to help me understand everything.
This, however, is a plaguing thought: I have you now, when I haven't been there in your times of need.
Eh, I know. You don't have to say anything. It isn't a thought that has any place or rightness. Still, it exists, a sorrow inside of me that maybe you needed and I could have answered. Perhaps it's something to keep so that there's never a moment in the future when you reach out and find no hand to take yours.
I'll care for you. You'll let me do this, won't you? And if you want to care for me, I'll let you, also.
I'd like this.
To be cared for
Selfish thing to
Well, it doesn't matter.
2/2
Here, tell me about Burn Bridge. I haven't been there; I met Senan and Rin in Germany. All he ever said to me about it is, "If you can find it on a map, I'll tell you whatever you want to know."
Well, this is paraphrasing. I don't want to be rude, but he was very drunk and you know, my English was much worse then. I still have some difficulty with his accent. And yours, unfortunately. I like it, I do! But it's [...] much like a video game. Do you understand?
A class for beginning English is Easy. Everyday conversation is Normal. Academic is Hard. Yours is hard mode. I can play this, but sometimes I'll die and have to repeat some things. Challenging and fun.
Drunken Senan is Nightmare.
He had forgotten he said that to me and thought I was "taking the piss" when I told him I'd found it on a map.
So, please, tell me about your home?
1/2
Couple of wishes bounds in one. Knowing your care, that’s a piece of it and no small part. Waking with the knowledge of yourself imminent, of my Talik with me always. (Happens I know some measuring of this already, the way I wake with your image set upon my mind, your words the first things meet my eyes as I pull up out of sleep. The way I know you in my trusting, and the constant in my universe looks precisely like yourself.
My boyfriend!)
The other part of my wish is in caring for you. I want it, aye, and more besides, it’s what I’d ask the privilege of giving. What I’d like to be for my Talik.
My thinking is, eh partly is, you’re sore overdue for care yourself. And even were it not so, fact remains you’d be hard set to slip your Vevay’s care, as fact remains as well it’s in my heart to care for you, hey?
I’ll be near for you myself, my hand at ready for yours when it ain’t busy seeking your own, no need for either of us grappling longer alone.
Ey and it might be, might just be I’ve been over here already vowing to keep you warm and guarded. Little as I look the defensive force (aye, nothing like the powerhouse my Talik is c;), your Vevay’s got a stubborn streak and a will to fight where those I love come concerned.
As I figure it, what’s love without caring and caring for, hey?
There’s plenty else I wish beside, I’d guess that goes without saying. Such as hearing all you’ve got for speaking to me, and giving all I’ve got for you. Such as easing off the past from your knowing (Sergiy’s too, if it’s ever in my right to do) so there’s little left to haunt you. Such as pushing up against you in the night, and fair warning’s I’m given both to sprawling and to clinging, can’t break that habit nor can I say I’d try. c;
Here’s one further thing, Talik, and it’s I need you now, much as I ever could and would’ve done before. That’s crucial, aye, that’s salvation in its own. and I’ll not have you overlooking it. c: 🧡
2/2
Beauty of it is, fucks with those brashing in posh and proper like they’ve a right to saying what is and ain’t language. Argue this our dialect’s English sings just as right as theirs and watch em turn red in the face. Sen hisself had a talent running rings around the manky knobs.
Saying it ain’t less right’s not to say it’s the same sphere of comprehensible, or it ain’t so without eh prolonged exposure. Which you’ll find yourself having in time Talik, no doubt there. c; Eh and meanwhile. Won’t say I’m any more comprehensible past sobriety than Senan ever was, nor in daily convo, but
Ey but here’s a cheat code for you, Talik. Times I get obscure, all you’ve to do is give my elbow a tug and tell me ‘Vevay, Vevay, slow down’ or ‘Vevay, back to earth,’ and then back to earth and comprehensible (ish) speech I’ll go, seeing as that’s where my Talik is and where I wish being.
Right, and here I’ll tell you something of Burn Bridge, eh not that there’s so much for telling, and you tell me something of your family, aye? What it’s been like growing among em, what it’s been like keeping whatever contact with em, seems the lots of you’ve got closeness and that’s something I admire, aye.
Likesaid, truth about Burn Bridge’s there ain’t much to it. Half the time it ain’t marked out proper, which I’m guessing you yourself saw, seeking it out. Bright spot of that’s gets it to feeling a bit of an inside secret among the locals, or else the locals who’ve been there long enough for taking root. There’s a contingent of us’ve been there years now, aye and more than a handful’ve called it there’s decades more than myself.
Outside that cluster of us, town’s getting to be a place between places, eh, liminal space, like? Those that come here’re looking for a landing spot more’n anything, somewhere for sleeping between commutes. Well and. Part it’s the fact of what space the country’s got and hasn’t got, and most passing through’d not distinguish Burn Bridge from Pannal, and no fault to em. There’s little kept within the town itself for doing, so a body seeking entertainment’s like to head over to the aforementioned Pannal or up to Harrogate, assuming they’ve sounder transport than the fuckall we’ve got for public transit.
Most of what we’ve gots homes and then a couple of pubs, one of em known, one of em less so. The second ain’t pretty, but it’s quieter and more alive, both, making it my choice most often if I’m keeping near to home. Know the publicans by this point, know the usual crowd and how to work their navigating, what’ll please em or else set em off.
Eh and out back of that pub, there’s the alleyway we used to get fucked up and break shite, for lack of more delicate terms. Tried racing rats a few times but then the rodent’s weren’t keen for complying and we took to placing bets of bolt races instead. Eh and the owner at the time’d give a few quid for raising ruckus if tourists came round. Kept them away and the pub as the man liked it, hey?
The people ain’t so rotten, most of em. Got something of Britain’s usual suspects in the way of arse mindedness and as is bound to be, but there’ve been enough of us opposing the old horse shite standard to sway minds a bit toward the eh progressive, ish. And then there was Moira seeing to us years back, making clear there’d be no tolerating damage done to we of the less mill standard youth.
Fact is most days I’ve no mind against the eh minimalism in accommodations. Tradeoff here’s closer presence of fields and scant forests, even got bluebells when the time’s right. [ … ] Like to show you em sometime, Talik. Can stretch out there an hour and more on a good day, not a body interrupting and just the sounds of sheeps nearby.
Here, ey, small storytelling for you. There’s the beck nearby, full of crayfish and there were an old fish tank of my aunt’s, she’d not had a guppy in ages so I fettled up the thing and kitted it with rocks and plants, the like, picked up a handful of crayfish and had em several months. Work all right til I got the bright notion inviting the girls, eh, Nelli and Pippa to add a couple of their own. Surprising no one knows em now, they spent spare moments coaxing the things to mating, up to and including staging a crayfish centric version of The Bachelor.
Ended up setting em free some point, myself sneaking out with a sack middle of the night, just to give the fellas a break.
Eh well and one of em’d got to pinching, and I’d got sick to death bandaging my fingers.
1
[...]
Is this you with Senan? The one who almost kill him?
[ It's a digitized version of a very, very old recording: a group of young men in an alleyway, striking each other with a folding chair. Near the end of the video, the individual Vitaly is asking about brings the chair down on a shirtless Sen's back, but it unfolds mid-swing. The legs hit him directly on the spine; Sen staggers and falls.
Someone bends down and takes his cigarette from him, then meanders off-screen, smoking it. ]
It's you!!!
I've seen you before, then!
Look, there's my Vevay, fucked up and breaking 'shite'. 💙
[...]
You'll ask this, I think: I have many of these. Senan asked me to make them digital for him, and, eh, I kept some. Blackmail.
Eh, at least you kissed him before he almost died. Lucky Senan.
2
Generational trauma! The crayfish in your beck (brook?) are probably the great-grandchildren of the ones they harassed.
We'll take them food and have a picnic with them. Dodo can be our crayfish ambassador. c;
[...]
коханий, please: never come back to earth. That IS a cheat, because it makes you lesser. My star, you belong in any sky that makes you happy.
If I can't understand something you say, I'll ask you to repeat it for me, or I'll try to work it out for myself, like above. I've been near to Senan enough that it's not incomprehensible, and you're right: I'll be exposed to it from now on.
Never stop, never change it. You owe this to no one, Vevay.
Don't worry: I'll keep up with you. Eh, and if I can't, there's a very good view from behind.
3/3
It's strange to think of someone caring for me. I mean to say - in practical ways, not in the sense of emotional caring.
[...]
[...]
I suppose it's so that men like me should be the one providing - and I don't complain about this. I want to provide for my family. For you.
See, this thought makes me smile.
[...]
This is a difficult conversation. It's more than just Madeline and our marriage. Here, there are [...] expectations of men who look like me, who come from families like mine.
[...]
Being homosexual is [...] a failing of character. So is the want for care.
...Homosexual, bisexual, either one.
No, I shouldn't
I
It's only that
Eh, forgive me. This subject gives me some anxiety. No, no, you don't need to reassure me, don't worry.
It's only that it's hard to call myself these things, even if they're true. Even if I think once I see you, once I'm with you, I'll feel happiness in the truth. This is remembered fear; I spent many years afraid I would be discovered. Better to make myself strong and capable, do all the things men do here.
[...]
No picnics with crayfish, you see how it is?
There's nothing I wish to hide; I don't think I care very much for women at all. But that word still makes me feel someone will catch me doing what I shouldn't.
So does saying I want you to care for me as I care for you.
Well, it feels selfish, as well.
1/?
I’d no clue there’s footage of that??
[ … ]
Christ but that was ages past. I was binding then, and all.
Thing about Sen, as well about Verne and the twins, the whole lot that ran with em, is there was no questioning the man, eh boy, I was. Never felt out of place among em, or I mean the times I did weren’t any of their doing. Chalk that up to workings of dysphoria and those around the rest of town.
[ … ]
Thing as well. It does me good, hearing you excited and [ … ] speaking of me and then seeing me in myself then as now.
Does me good as well, thinking my image’s been with you since before you met. You been keeping that video and see, now you’ll be keeping your Vevay precisely like so. c: 🧡
That with the chair, Sen was vexed for weeks after, the translation of which came to repeated grousing and wheedling favours seein as his back was sore n busted and how could I’ve brought such anguish on the future of a bright young man. As if there’s any chair in the world could keep the blagger down. 🙄 My worry was his mum’d be steamed to fuck with me, but not a soul ratted and my sense now’s Sen himself would’ve caught a haranguing for walking to the situation eyes filled with knowing.
See, point of the endeavour’d been settling up an argument, aye and filling time as well. Question came up whether I could, chair in my hands, knock him down or if he’d keep his feet.
Hadn’t counted on that chair unfolding. Or on my own strength, truth be told. Seems dish washing and hauling lumber’ll build a man’s arms some.
The incident won me a bottle of MD 20/20, grape iirc, and a half pack of smokes which I’ll point out, only in case the wise arse brings it up outside my hearing, I shared half that half with the man hisself. Seemed only right, what with Kev stealing the one half smoked.
Most of the 20 went lost to retching, but there’s a tale as old as time.
Set the chair on fire that night as well, and in that very alley. Walker, he that owned the pub those days, came out to warm his hands a minute and throw on an old bench or somesuch assemblage of old wood. Not so bad a night for anyone not goin by the name Senan.
2/3
That’s a part of care, or it’s part of care as your Vevay gives it and feel it.
(Eh, and could you deny me that privilege? 🥺? It gives me a joy and rightness assuring you, and I’ll not be leaving my Talik with any ghost of what’s warying, not without endeavouring mitigation.🧡)
Won’t pretend I’ve the power to erase everything the direr sides of existing’ve taught you, or what culture’s spoke into you. Know a thing or two about that much myself, that’s truth, and I know it doesn’t go easy.
Know as well it goes easier with affirmation and with having
love at your sidea hand that’s always in your own, a voice reassuring all’s well, and there’s naught that’s wrong with you.And then you’ve done no small work beating it back. Written clear as day, isn’t it? With all you’ve said here with me, and with what you’re saying that very message above. Look at you, hey? Speaking what ain’t easy in the least. Getting toward saying you’d like care, selfish though you feel doing so.
Fuck me, but I’m proud of you all over again.
And here’s this fact for my Talik, there’s naught selfish in speaking of nor asking nor wanting care. As well, you ought to’ve been cared for all this time, and you’re well worthy of care, all right?
You’ll be bliss to care for. 🧡
And this, as well. Comes to character, there’s no person I’ve met with one stronger nor more admirable than your own. Never been a person whose character’s been desired more by myself. Aye, you’re a treat to look at, but it’s your heart and soul sets me swooning above all else. 🧡🧡
We’ll ease those anxieties and those fears bit by bit. Both of us together. Walking hand in hand and visiting crayfish. Waking beside each other. No minding how long it will or won’t take. You’ll find it’s easier and easier calling yourself all you are (a non biased but entirely correct assessment? all you are is wondrous, clear and true), and any matter gives you anxiety can be set aside for later (maybe a new shelf for it? we’ve got the shelf for names in future, so why not another, this for subjects to revisit?), any manner of later as revisiting’s no process for rushing.
You’ll have with you all this time, at your side and always. 🧡
Well and anyone gets in a fit and tries to ‘catch you’ or thinks they’ve got you caught, your Vevay’ll give em a swift fucking up.
No empty threat, that. You’ve seen what I can get up to with a chair. c:
3/3
And Dodo's got my vote for ambassadorship. Friendly lass that she is, happens she'll bring even the snippiest lads to her side and show there's joy in life yet. Might even befriend a hare or two! Or fish if she's one for water, and aye, beck's a brook that's so.
I'd like showing you all that, Talik. The crayfish and my home. Can take you to the very alley in which that incident occurred, maybe take a pic and send it off to Sen.
Like to take you into Harrogate around a rehearsal, introduce you to everyone's heard your name and been remarking on the swoonings of one Nova Vayne.
Here, and if you'll not call me down from the sky, then do, my Talik, do ask a repeat or anything that'd help and I'll pull you up again beside me. I flourish in the sky, truth, but you see I'm best of all with my Talik beside me, and truth is you belong up above yourself, brilliant as you are.
[ ... ]
Last thing for now. Regarding that view from behind
My promise to you’s it’s even more stunning in person. c; c; c; 🍑
1/3
One thing more about this matter: anything I do to beat back what I've learned, I do because I want better for my son. What if he's like you, what if he knows himself to be a girl?
This is my child; he (or any pronoun) shouldn't be afraid to tell me these things. I never want Sergiy to think I would reject him for anything he feels.
That fear is a [...] stain inside me. I call it this because - eh, like a stain on the floor. It prevents nothing, but you see it every day. You know some value is lost. I don't want to place such a stain on him.
[...]
I think of it now, and I'll tell you this, Vevay: you are a second reason to "beat back" this belief of myself. Just as I wouldn't want to teach it to Sergiy, I don't want it to interfere with anything I have with you.
I never want you to think I'm not proud of you because of shame for myself.
I can't promise you no struggle - but also, I can't promise myself there will be any struggle at all. I see your messages and everything else falls away.
2/3
In this video, I mean to say.
[...] Binding is [...] wrapping your torso, correct?
No, I can't tell even now that I know.
You look like an attractive boy. Too young for me, but beginning to be handsome. It means something that I think this of you; it's how I feel to look at most men this age. Young, attractive, but much too young. Someday they'll be appealing.
I prefer to be with people nearer to my age. I'm uncomfortable with imbalanced power dynamics. Also, I have a child. I don't want to date with one.
[...]
Anyhow, I was right! You grew up into a handsome man - who hopefully hits no one else with chairs.
[...]
Kev is a soulless one, eh, taking a downed man's cigarette.
3/3
I've seen a photo. I can imagine very well how it looks.
And feels.
[...]
[...]
But if you wanted to make a case to me now, I could say I don't believe you.
You could show m
It isn't your most attractive physical quality for me, but it's a close in second. Hips in third. c:
Your eyes are best, Vevay. Captivating, you know this, don't you? I see them in your picture and forget what I was thinking.
[...]
Right now, though, they aren't helping me. You spoke it, so it's in my mind that I'll see the 'view' in person, and that it will be stunning.
Perfect velvet.
1/3
Like a bit of gray or/and more than a bit on a person, that’s not changed. Like the look of someone wears their age well. Guess what’s changed there is there’s no need looking much above myself to find those qualities, hey?
I’d say my sphere of interest’s not changed, that being attractions to anyone among the wide world of genders, pansexuality being where I found myself. But see thing is Talik there has been a change. Got myself a sure and focused interest formed. Got one person in my sights and in my dreamings, one person sets my aflame, and see this particular person’s a man, he’s Ukrainian, wears his age right fuckin well, and he’s got arms to die for, eyes speaking depths and warmth stops my own heart smitten.
I wonder who it is I’m speaking of hM 🤔
I wonder if he’ll get a hands on feel for the view himself in eleven day’s time 🤔
c;
Nah, the only wonder is the man himself, and how you knock me silly every turn around the bend. 🥹🧡
On which note. Talik! There you went knocking my knees out from under me again, that last message of yours, that last line, you’ll have your Vevay flat on the floor
moaning your name for want of youWere I a less mindful boyfriend, I might suggest to you some things that you might do to that velvet and how it’ll turn alight with your touch, or how that velvet’s waiting for its tender trampling.
Eh, well. Berlin’s not so far off, that right? I’ll get you once you’ve landed. Or while my Talik’s up in the air. Give you something to carry you on to that hotel. c;
2/3
The rest you’ve said there though. How you think about Sergiy and building up support ahead of time, setting space for the person he’ll be whatever transpires. Opening your own self to all, just, ah fuck me, putting what you can in Sergiy’s favour, and in the favour of any child you’ll have.
Fucking knew already you’re and you’ll be the best of fathers. Heartens me knowing there’re men like you and love like yours.
Well, correction there, because as I’ve said there’s no man nor being like yourself. Christ but I admire you, and truth’s I’d do so even if I didn’t also hold all these other feelings, spoke and unspoke alike, for yourself.
You’re a good man, Vitaly. Won’t let anyone tell you different. We’ve all of us our flaws and fucks up, aye, but questions how a body carries on, what’s striven for. You show yourself unending ways, and your compassion, that responsibility of yours speaks through it all.
And your children, all of em, will know how true you love them.
I’d like you knowing that breadth and depth of love yourself. I’ve a good feeling you’ll have that knowing yet. Trust your Vevay on this one, hey? Got privileges to inside info. c: 🧡
3/3
[ … ]
Helps that for all biology fucked me at the start, I lucked out a few ways aided in showing myself as the boy I was. Helped I had mates and their support, even if we did time to time knock each other flat. (Ey, there’s the other thing for keepin in mind about Sen! Might not’ve been with chairs, but there’s wasn’t one of us didn’t take some manner of belting. Comes from having chuff-all to do and hittin the substances harder’n not.) Didn’t change my being wary about one thing or another or that I’d get eyes on me casting doubts, but fuck’d any of them know.
Nothing like you know, is what. Aye, but who could’ve listened for Vevay like his Talik?
Who else is it I’d hear without an ounce of doubt?
Fuck, the change it’d’ve been knowing you then, if you could’ve been aroundThanks, Talik. From myself now, and myself back then as well. It’s a hell of a man balms old hurts whilst making all that’s present shine.
Well. Happens I’ve got a hell of a boyfriend. 🧡
And.
Happens you’ve got a right handsome one yourself. c;
Who can’t go making too many promises on the chair v no chair front. Here, fair’s fair, I won’t go knocking anyone with chairs if no fuck gives me reason.
Also, fair spotting to yourself re Kev, his claim was he sold his soul off sometime during primary school. Story goes he nicked it back since, though those of us know his recent doings’d dispute the claim. Bastard took himself to playing thrice fucked landlord over in Leeds, shite properties and all. I get needing to support oneself but fuck me there’re better ways.
Eh. Should’ve seen it coming when he snagged that cig from Senan. Fuckin wanker. :/
1/2
I admit I do like how you're fussing over me, saying I'm a good man who makes you proud. It feels nice. It makes me want to achieve this quality - to meet your vision of me. But Vevay, it seems to me like the minimum of how a man should be, loving my son enough to wish him a better life than my own. Isn't this what all parents should want for their children?
Well, perhaps you'll say to me that not many put that want into practice. That might be true. But Vevay, perhaps people who don't want better for their children shouldn't have them.
I don't understand how someone could have a child and not want the best in the world for them.
[...]
This is no condemnation of my father, by the way. It was the culture, not my father. He's [...] disagreeable sometimes, but it's [...] like Senan. Without the complaints, of course. He prefers to sit and make the room cold.
Well, it's because he's a businessman. Keeping quiet and ignoring makes people nervous.
But he raised us without enclosure. Without rules to say what we had to be because our culture says so. It wasn't encouragement, but still, I think it was better than he knew as a child.
Maybe Sergiy will do better than I have, with his children - and so it will go.
[...]
Maybe Sergiy will have you to teach him joy and simplicity. [...] And optimism.
Too often, I'm a pessimist. Eh, a catastrophist sometimes.
God knows Madeline isn't optimistic, either.I'd like him to learn to see things positively.
2/3
[...]
I'm afraid I won't be going after all. I found out this morning after I read your message, so you can imagine how a catastrophist would respond when he's shaken from "Only one more day and I'll have silence - and howling - with Vevay in Berlin" to "Fuck."
But it's good news.
My parents seems to have miraculously changed their minds about New York. This sudden reversal couldn't have had anything to do with knowing I might have custody of Sergiy, or that I plan to live with him there.
Even if my mother noted that I'll be more likely to have favor from a judge if I have a community that isn't just Darius and Senan, or a boyfriend she has never met.
This might have been a hint, but at the moment, I'm not in the mood for hinting. She can meet you after I do.
[...]
All of this is to say I'll be in Kyiv for a week to help pack their things. At least they'll be stored somewhere safe in Odesa, assuming a horde of enthusiastic Russians doesn't -
You see? Catastrophizing.
[...]
At least I'll be busy. Maybe I'll be too tired to think about trampling anything.
Although I might never be tired enough to ignore the thought of you, waiting for me.
It's only fair to say I'm waiting for you, as well, коханий. I shiver with the thought of you and lie restless in my bed, longing to feel you against me.
Miserably aching for the grip of you around me.
[...]
I need you, Nova, with body and heart - in every possible way.
And every possible position.
3/3
[...]
But back to this other thing I was saying.
So.
How's the floor?
c:
1/?
Eh or would be were it not for the old shoe pump. Rising in spirit, say it like that, while there’s velvet longing for that heady grip.
[ A picture follows: A selfie taken of Nova, very clearly laid out on the floor. His hair’s mussed and the collar of his shirt’s disarrayed, very much as if he’s been taken down by a sudden storm! His skin’s slightly flush and his eyes are wide and pleading, lips set in an exaggerated pout. ]
See what you do to your Vevay? Floor’s nice enough and I won’t say otherwise, but here I am all downed and not an ounce of strength to stand on, only wishing my Talik were here to pick me up. 🥺
All those positions to dream of and I’ve only got the floor? Ah Talik, it ain’t right!!
[ A second picture: Same position as before, but the pout’s become a puckish smile and Nova’s winking at the camera. In this picture, Nova also holds his finger and thumb together in a mini heart. ]
Spose I’ll content myself thinking on those tramplings ahead. I’m all right with burning a while, just as well as rendered unto jelly on the floor, and even were I less a patient man, I’ve suspicions every minute’s waiting’ll be worth its wait ten fold and more.
Happen I’ll think how it’d be to crawl into your bed. Ease away a little of that shiver. Got several grips for you, that’s so. Got lips to press upon you, seek against you warmth.
Resourceful Vevay, I’ve got all manner of ways for taking care of my Talik, hey? >;3 🧡
2/3
No small work when optimism’s his way either, by my guess’d be it don’t weight the same.
Here, between the pair of us, we’ll give Sergiy eminently balanced viewpoints and options for viewing. I’d like to bring him joy and tools for its seeking, as I’d like to do the same for you. 🧡 Figure I’m up for the task, much optimism as I’ve got in store, and much feeling as I’ve got for you, and for children living in this world with its fangs to spare.
We’ll show him it ain’t so rotten, existing. Show him there’s love and he’ll always have it, aye?
Aye. 🧡Thing I’ve got in stores alongside optimism’s love, after all. Love eh, what’s the fucking word, multifoliate, love like blossoming in varied forms, and love that’s sought its cornerstone, the heart it’s made for, heart it’s found.
Likely there’s no surprise my agreement’s with you regarding those who ought not go bringing children to the world, meaning those who’ve no interest in what the kids’ll be and find for themselves. Those who
Fucked thing is there are plenty do just that. Taking kids as their mirrors in miniature or else as trophies, eh, little checkmarks chalked up among life’s vaunted achievements.
Your poor Sergiy. My poor Nicky and Liza. FuckIt’s unconscionable, is what it is. Cramping what’s human into something less than and cutting possibility at its ankles. Plenty can’t or else won’t look beyond the bounds of their selves, taking their own image as the be all end all so what’s it matter what their own kid wants, hey?
Fucking. Unconscionable.
Which is confirming in part you caught my argument at the pass, saying there are plenty of parents don’t put a better life for their kids as foremost, if they consider the lives of those same kids at all.
[ … ]
Getting radged, I am. Ain’t an anger I’d discard and it’s nothing does me harm. Best to see the shite for what it is. Optimistic I may be and optimistic I am, but that don’t mean excusing the more rancid of realities, nor turning eyes away from em.
And point is, I see and know there’s no cell in you’d put that caging in on anyone, least of all your child, your someday maybe children. Point it, it means worlds to find that’s clear in you, and says worlds about the man you are.
[ … ]
And then, far as I see it, any git goes mucking with their child’s existence deserves a chair drove sharply to the spine, and more beyond.
3/3
All the cause I’ve got for swooning these days, and drifting dafter still than’s my usual.
Here’s further cause for swooning, your taking no opposition to my fretting. See, I’ve got this for looking forward to as well, hovering about by Talik, making sure he’s well as can be, getting joys and pleasures where he can (which’ll be no small where, tell you that for free and now). Telling him all about the beauty that he is.
Aye, this future and this now pleases me real right.
And best you accept that fussing now, as there’ll be no chasing it off. c; What’d I say, hey? Your Vevay has his sticking points and stubbornnesses!
A fact for yourself, a truth I’d like you keeping in your knowing
I know you equal to and better still beyond the vision I hold of you. Eh, don’t go thinking I’ve no room for what’d be called shortcomings or else flaws in what I see. Likesaid, that’s all wrapped up in being human, and I’ve no fault to bring upon it. What matters is what’s at the heart of you and where you put your acting. What matters’s how you reach ahead and upward, and Talik, my Talik, you’re a man to reach among the stars.
Well, don’t I know it? And ain’t I better for it? 🥹🧡
Here but! Talik!!
T a l i i i k!!!
If there’s no Berlin to be, how’m I to torment you? 🥺How’s a twink to bat back to his trampler what sends me straight to the floor, knowin you’ve no recourse and no means of relief save a shower, and that only if he can catch the warm water? 🥺 How’m I to keep all this teasing to myself and go without a word on what the velvet wants?? 🥺🥺🥺
What Vevay’s velvet wants?? 🥺🧡🧡
Eh, I suspect I’l survive. More waiting makes the velvet eager and eagerer still, right?
And then I wager we’ll make up for all this waiting yet, no fretting for it c;
Aye but no fuckin jesting, they’re taking the move? Guess if there’s anything worth throwing off Berlin (🥺!!!) (c; c; c;) it’s that, and can’t say it isn’t good for hearing. Sergiy having his grandparents near at hand, them that seem to love the lad as well, there’s naught but good in that.
Seems to me the future and its likeliest paths're growing bright every moment.
1/2
[...]
"Prole pole." 🤣🤣🤣
[...]
Second, "the old shoe pump": Vevay, [...] seize the means of production.
Last, I'm not saying I align ideologically with Marx or enjoy being compared to the bourgeoisie, but if anyone is going to fuck the proletariat...
[ Following this text is a meme: a portrait of Karl Marx with photoshopped, glowing red eyes. Across the top, it reads "Marxism intensifies". ]
2/2
Maybe it can be a night when our ch[...]
It would be a conversation better discussed on a night when our children are asleep in our home. I think [...] holding my Vevay close would make it much easier to endure such thoughts. It's very personal right now [...] for both of us. Very immediate.
So, instead, let me answer this: Nova, you torment me constantly. You don't have to say a word; the right thoughts of you leave me frenzied and helpless. I want so much to be with you-
This is worth the wait it imposes, true, but it doesn't make the wait any easier to bear.
Neither does the thought of eager, wanting velvet, not only because of what it does to me, but because I dislike thinking of you wanting for anything. You should be on the floor in satisfaction, not need.
Nova, when I'm with you, I promise you won't want for anything.
[...]
I'll confess something to you to apologize for staying in Ukraine, eh?
I don't like to go into a situation without an idea of how [...] the land is?
[...] [...]
The 'lay of the land'.
A man like you is just a little different from other men I've known. Different from anyone I've known, in many wonderful ways. This is only a small one.
[...]
Well. You don't have the same internal pleasures. I can't rely on knowing how to touch you in familiar places, isn't that so? This doesn't make you anything other than a man, but [...] if I want to meet you where you live, I shouldn't be in the wrong city, do you see how I mean?
It's exasperating to know someone isn't within twenty miles of where they should be, if even they know how to drive. We've all known someone like this.
I'm reading as much as I can, Vevay, so I can be on the correct street for you.
[...]
If you have some driving directions to
showgiveshow me, it's not torment, is it? It's education.💙💙💙💙
Who knows. Maybe I'll learn something new for us both.
[...]
I'm keeping this photo of you. Both of the photos, but the first one [...]
Do you ever feel your mouth go dry - and maybe as though it's too empty and needs to be filled?
I feel like the man in the first photo could help me with that problem.
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