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[byanyname]

***

either leave a message (or set of muses) for one of my assholes, or request a message from one of them. choose messages from the classic source, from your own skull, or whatever you may please.

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[thatminx]

[ Good. That's good. If he wants to file it away as 'trust no drivers', fine. She'll write all of these down for him anyway: a nice list of rules for drinking, rules for keeping him safe and alive.

And - sure. Yes. The hand on her hip, that's as reassuring as the reminder that he's there for her in the dark, that he'll come running if she ever feels that abyss closing in on her. Promises he made when she was too drunk to be coherent, promises she still remembers because they were important.

No one ever gave her a gift even remotely as precious (except for once, a stuffed fish in an aquarium in a desert. And that was him, too.)

(If she were to lose him -)

She smiles, sad and relieved. ]

That's good. That's really good, Fish. Trust no drivers except your wife and your Wallace.

[ He gets another kiss for that. ]

Do you want to make up a rule for the game? Or - how about we add one just for you, so the game's more fair? 'Any time Treavor wants to see Amaryllis, Katrina has to take him. Day or night, no matter what.'

[ She was gone this time, that's true. But she came right back, rushing back from Sleepy Hollow just to see for herself that he was alive and well. She comes running home to him.

If this all means that she has to come back from her parents' house on a Sunday night because he misses his goddamned bird, if it means she has to wake up Sheldon for it or do a little breaking and entering, it's worth it for her own peace of mind.

...And it's worth it to make him happy. He doesn't seem to be happy about many things. ]

[sweatycoward]

[ Oh, that's good, at least, that's a smile. Doesn't mean everything's okay, he knows most smiles don't mean that knows smiles mean a lot of things that aren't that, but it's a little bit of a step.

And that was a nice kiss.

And she's making up a rule a very agreeable rule for him??

What a good wife. What a better-than-he-deserves wife, and he's looking at her a little sideways, like yes he wants to see her keep her in his view but also shouldn't he be careful and shouldn't someone tell her that she shouldn't be so so there's a word so lenient with him?

It's a good game. The Fish Family game - she even named it!! - is a good game, he thinks, but— ]

What about rules for when, when Fish are disappointing?

Wait I mean. It's a good rule you're a good wife Amaryllis is a good parrot I.

No I like your rule I.

I'll be a better Fish, okay? I'll try.

[thatminx]

[ ...Disappointing?

She stares at him, uncomprehending as he tries to accept what she's saying, as he muddles through it. Why would he ask that? As if he thinks he could ever disappoint her, as if he thinks she would ever...make a rule about what happens when he's disappointing?

What, like punishing him?

Her stomach twists uncomfortably. Oh.

Some names surface. Tricia. Morgan. Custis. Waverly. His stepmother. His father.

A bad moment means he's been disappointing, doesn't it? And all of those people in his life like to find reasons to fuck with him, reasons to break him down just a little bit more, so they invent penalties for all the contrived disappointments he's meant to have caused.

Katrina sucks in a breath, slow and steadying, and her thumb brushes a slow arc across his cheek. ]

You have to listen to this. This is the most important rule. It's a rule that goes for every game we ever play, okay?

[ She lets that linger, lets him absorb how important this is, how he needs to listen, no matter how drunk or sad or sunken into himself he might be. ]

You are not disappointing. You're the best Fish. You're the best Treavor, and I am never disappointed in you. There are never going to be rules or penalties or punishments for when you're disappointing, because you don't disappoint me. I know who you are, and I'm proud of you. I'm proud you're my husband.

[sweatycoward]

[ He.

Likes the sound of that. He does, and he's listening, listening so very hard his heart hurts. Wouldn't it be nice, if that were true? Wouldn't it be nice, if really he didn't disappoint her at all, if really she's immune to his disappointing and if really she...

Is he something to be proud of? Sometimes, maybe? When she says it, he could believe it.

There's a warmth slowly drifting through his chest, drawing him back and away from the sinking he knows so well. But there's also a hesitation. But there's also still a question. Because she means it, she sounds as if she means it and he trusts her, wants to trust her, but what if also... What if something's been, say, lost or misheard or? Because this isn't what happens. This isn't ever what happens with him.

A reminder: She's different.

But also he's hopeless, isn't that right? So much evidence stacked up against him, and what if she's just being a very nice a very good wife only, only, she wouldn't lie to him! and it's a rule, isn't it, she said it's a rule and why would she make up things about a rule?

The conclusions don't. The conclusions don't amount to much and he's can't really hold them? It's too much. There's too much here to sort through, he only knows that instinct says he's fucked up and he did, he did, there was something he did that— ]

Hey, but I.

You can't kid me, kid. You were...

I don't want to make you cry. Don't want to be a reason for your sad.

[ He's looking at her now, eyes wide and insistent, because doesn't she see of course she has to. He wants to believe her. But it's a lot to take in. And isn't he a lot, a lot, a lot to take on? ]

[thatminx]

[ She's going to have to remind him. She's going to have to keep reminding him, every fucking day if she has to, that he's not a disappointment.

(Somewhere in the back of her mind, she thinks how much she hates them, how family should never make family feel this way. How they should never break someone, and then hand that someone over to others to break them further. She thinks about how much he loves stars and his parrot and games and beautiful things, and she hates them for telling him he's disappointing.) ]

I'm not sad. I'm upset. I was scared about the situation, because I thought something could have happened to you. I thought you could have gotten in an accident, and then the best man in the world would just be gone.

[ She has to reel it in. If she doesn't reel it back a little, she'll start crying all over again. She can cry more later, or hold tight to him and thank god (or Wallace) that he's safe and here.

Another breath. Another steadying, firm breath, and she leans her forehead against his. ]

I love you, and I'm proud of you. That's the rule. You can't think I'm disappointed, because if I was disappointed, I'd be breaking the rules. Do I ever break our rules?

[sweatycoward]

[ There's a difference, maybe. Between. Between scared and disappointment. Between disappointing and... and... what? The thought's beyond him now. Too far beyond him, maybe something for later, but there's something to be caught here, something that would sort this into sense. There is a difference, even if he can't name it. She wouldn't lie to him. Katrina would never, never lie.

She called him the best.

She means it.

She said this is different.

He wouldn't leave her, he would never!, but she said something about an accident and don't accidents happen with people who've been drinking? Sheldon... Barry... Aunt Mary... Someone said they hadn't been drinking?? But people who are not Katrina and who aren't Wallace lie.

Oh, maybe that's a problem. Maybe that's the reason for the rule, the first rule of Fish Family.

Her head's set against his and this time her presence steadies him a little. Reminds him that there's ground for standing on right now, that she hasn't banished him that she hasn't, what, let him banish himself? She's always, always here for her monster.

A small smile, flickered and fragile, but beginning to believe her. For now, at least for now. ]

No. Not our rules. Mm. I know you never would.

[ He rubs his forehead against hers, just a little, careful bit. ]

All right.

No drivers, no disappointments. Just parrots. Just you being... not disappointed? Me being not disappointing.

Lucky, lucky Fish.

[thatminx]

That's right. You got it.

[ There, that's good. It's sinking in a little, she can see he's following along (mostly - he's still stuck on that parrot, isn't he? Why on earth did he give her up if he loves her so much?)

Oh, and look at that smile, doesn't that just break her heart? After all those years of horror from his family, it's a little like putting him back together, isn't it? A little like filling in the cracks and letting him be a person again.

That's one step in the right direction. Day by day, small victories, that's all it'll take. And she gets something out of this, too: that melting, fuzzed feeling beneath her ribs when he smiles, because he loves her so well. Because she's sure he'll try his best.

He might not be able to do anything for her, but she believes he would try, and that's more than anyone else ever offered.

Her smile grows, larger than his but no less fragile.]

And loved Fish. Don't forget loved, because I love you. You're my light in the dark, right?

Lucky, lucky Kat.