kingdomsofrain | tfln open post

And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet

When God made him he put all his talent in his dick.
What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.

Edited 2016-12-01 15:17 (UTC)

Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?

See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.

we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies

1. He called his dick the "gentle giant"

2. The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.

3. i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.

1. She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened

2. So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night

3. you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.

1. She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....

2. Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?

3. I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..

1.just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day

2. I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.

3. The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.

Edited 2016-12-02 03:57 (UTC)

Since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: do. not. fuck with me.

im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.

this was a mass text, wasnt it?

somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing sea creatures for children

Do you know someone named Mitsuhide Akechi?

He appears to know Xu Shu.

He texted me recently. Although I'm not entirely sure how he got my number.

1) Why were you eating leaves?

2) I'm told I said I was a responsible adult, then licked the wall.

3) I'm love my Wife. She'ss such a good wife??? wHt a nice lady. Give her anawawrd! iI will kiss hr when i see her!! With flowers,, flower kiss! <3 <# <# <<3 Bes t wife 10/10 10000/10 where is she i ned to flwerr kiss her!!??!

4) You threw a potted plant and told the guy to get his life together.

5) It recalls fond memories of finger painting at one in the morning.

6) [text him]

Edited 2019-02-06 18:14 (UTC)

1) Hello this is agreeting from the fountain i Live here now I'm never comingg back I guess its good.

2) Shh shhh shh don't touch Do not touch Wallace's cowboy hat he will cowboy kick you to the sun. I learned this once he put me in the time out chair. :c :c

3) Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.

4) I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.

1) Do you know who is an unnderrted friend? lawn flamingos!
shh sh i gave one a small cowboy hat ha ha

2) Hiding in the clothes rack like a four-year-old. Already scared three people. I told Wallace I didn't want to go shopping. :/

3) HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME my balloon keeps me safe!!
ha ha it is not my birthday
ha ha shh dont tell
this balloon isnot mine :o

4) See they think it's funny dropping me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't keep waking up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are giving me Looks. Also I think a squirrel bit me. And there are bears here?
No wait that's a fake bear false alarm.

5) There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. Hello hair man?
Sheldon says this is how horror movies start. Pretty sure this is how Treavor getting punched in the face starts. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?

6) Mmy tater tots were stolen. :c

1) Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C. Verdict forthcoming.

2) When she heard the news, I believe her first words were, 'Where ever will you find space for a wife in the midst of all those empty bottles?'

3) Oh, please. I get a little bitchy. We all know that.

4) Thinking of telling what's-her-name I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my study to go sit literally anywhere else and wait for her to finish cleaning up the empty bottles.

5) Just in case I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral. And FYI? It's going to be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.

6) They were having a wine tasting so I tasted every wine... then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... I told THEM to leave and that they wouldn't know a good vintage if it bit them in the ass... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out.

1) Maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attached. That always gets me.

2) I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight.

3) What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.

4) I'm sorry I got drunk, then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.

Wait you know what, no I'm not. I'm not sorry. You have terrible taste.

5) I am NOT overreacting. THE COW IS STARING AT ME. I know it's up to something. If you don't hear from me again, you'll know who the culprit is.

6) Don't act as if you didn't hear every word.

Did you know, when she says my name, I feel as if— Be smug all you like, but it IS better than wine.

1) i have no idea why he's mad that i came home at 4 am & all i want to do is eat eggos. its not waffles fault. :c

2) 40 FOOT. NEON. PARROT!!!

3) Hey, I'M not the one who opened a tab at the bar and told me about it. That's not on me.

4) You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.

5) i followed the baby ducks to find their home but then they disappeared now i am beneath this bush all alone just by the pond alone. goodbye ducks. :c

1) Of course I'm judging you. Two glasses of wine and you turn into a walking wreck. Drinking from a hagfish tin, singing sea shanties, shouting that you'll 'fight the entire Abbey with one hand tied behind your back.' Oh, and begging everyone within sight to play hide and seek with you.

2) Oh please. If god wanted me to love humanity, he wouldn't have populated this planet with witless shitstains.

3) Funny. FUNNY. They gave me a snuffbox. Urged me to open it. A trio of fake snakes popped out. Open mouths, plastic fangs. If you need me, I'll be drinking myself senseless.

4) :3 :3 :3

5) PLease protecct me it is late and darkand sad. Also I would like anther wine. I am a lonely creachure so lonly.

( continued from here.)

Mrs. Van Tassel,

This is Wallace Higgins. I am speaking to you through the phone of an acquaintance unknown to the family I serve.

I must know whether you seen or heard from Lord Pendleton. This is a matter of some urgency.

-WH

You know your prince was getting it from the Royal Spymaster.

Until the tides turned.

I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.

1) The stains are permanent. Something to remember.

2) I'm weary of her presence. Snide bitch, fucking that useless rattle of spunk like he's a prize. Showing her face as if she deserves to eat beside us.

3) Better to puncture his eye than spit in it. Finish the job in a single stroke. Don't waste your slaver.

4) If I were ruined. If I were made nothing, found almost a carcass at your feet. What then?

Haymitch

Ham the Man

Hatmitch

Grand R

billy <3

anyone, yolo ur know how I roll part 1

anyone, yolo ur know how I roll part 2

anyone, yolo ur know how I roll part 3