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[byanyname]

***

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[sweatycoward]

[ He likes her he likes he appreciates the smell of her and how long had she been away, so, so long it felt like ages. But he knew she'd be back. But he never doubted it, even though the hours did wear a little long and even though her being away left something like a little like a hole in him, a hole that only crumbled further further as he sat through a day's work - was that today really still today? some days are very long - and drinking helped a little but drinking never helps it all, isn't that the case, and there'd been fun for a little while and almost a parrot and—

He's sad about that parrot.

But Katrina's here now, and she's better than any parrot. That's true, at least. That's definitely true.

There's a small, a happy hum as he nuzzles again. ]

Best wife.

Always wife.

[ There's something, though. A snag, a nagging, something's... wrong? In her voice, in her speaking. What? What is it that's?

Hmm. It's difficult. It's difficult to think, she's very near and very nice. ]

[thatminx]

[ That. That starts her crying again.

There are things she accepts about Treavor, things she hopes they can work on eventually, things she's trying to help with. The drinking is a long-term goal; get him off it, or down to sober-most-of-the-time. But stopping the recklessness, the ending up in situations that could lead to arrests, injury, or fucking worse: that's the goal right now.

She had thought Sheldon could be trusted. She had thought it would be all right to leave town for a few hours, come back and Treavor would be in good hands. She was wrong, clearly very wrong, and she's going to give Sheldon an earful, because while this is Treavor's fault, it's also (and more) the fault of anyone watching out for him and failing. Sheldon failed; Sheldon nearly let him get in a car with (possibly?) drunk semi-strangers.

And fuck, she bets all Treavor wanted to do was see that parrot. To be around one of the good things in his life.

To feel happy for a little while.

He's nuzzling her, calling her the best wife, and sure, she makes him happy, but she can't be around 24/7 to watch him, or be what he needs. ]

Whose wife would I be if something had happened to you?

[ It's not fair. She knows it's not. His judgment is shot.

But. She was scared. She is scared. He's right here, nuzzling her and happy, and she's crying against his neck because the panic hasn't eased. ]

You can't do that again, Fish. You promised I'm stuck with you, so you can't do something that could take you away. No driving with strangers from bars. If you want to go see your bird, I'll take you any time you want to go. But you can't do stupid shit like this anymore.

[sweatycoward]

[ Oh.

Ice-edged and falling like rain, one drop then another until warmth seeps away and he could almost shiver and aren't those, aren't some of those drops real and more like tears?

She's not okay. It's not okay. He. Oh he.

He disappointed her. Didn't he? Like he disappoints everyone very easily, it's taken longer with her but he always always disappoints and there's no parrot even only disappointing he didn't mean to, really he didn't mean to and he's holding his head against hers now, drawing his arms tight around her.

Whose wife would she be? That's a bad, a negative question. The cold's creeping further, opening a down down downward spiral. He can't go down there. Wants to stay with her. Only he disappointed her. Only he... worried her? Only maybe the downward's what he's earned, all down and down and cold.

He would like to make this go away.

He'd like to make it turn all right. What is he supposed to...? ]

Sometimes people drive.

[ That's not... good enough, is it? ]

Just wanted a drink. Nothing bad.

[ A nudge: his head against her own. A tension crawling through him. He made this happen. He wants to unmake this happen. Maybe he broke something? That's not, not a good kind of thought. ]

[thatminx]

I know.

[ Katrina knows, of course she knows. She knows he wanted-needed a drink, she gets it. (And of course, she knows Barry and/or Sheldon and/or Mary were supplying way more than necessary, as fast as his texting deteriorated into incoherency.) That's a problem, a long-term problem that she knows he can get under control, but it's step ten or fifty or two thousand, because the drinking's just a symptom. You don't try to fix the busted windows if the house is on fire.

He's not in any kind of place to understand what upset her about this, and she's not in any kind of place to explain. But being held tighter helps. One of her hands traces along the back of his head, soothing him as much as reassuring herself.

But every time she thinks about something happening - an accident, or his brothers showing up, or alcohol poisoning, or, or, a chill runs through her. She loves him, she just found him, he just showed up in her life, and she's not romantic enough to say the little while she had him was enough to last a lifetime. ]

Something bad could have happened. I don't want to lose you. I want you to be safe.

[ She pulls back, sniffs deep and drags her sleeve across her eyes so she can look at him and see him sharply enough without the blurred wetness of tears.

She speaks slowly, with gravity; she'll go over it again tomorrow, when he's somewhat sober - but truthfully, this is more for her than him. ]

Listen. Try very hard to listen. If something happened to you, it would hurt your real family. Me and Wallace. If we lost you, it would break our hearts. You're important, and you're loved. So you have to promise to be safe so we can have you for a really long time. Can you do that?

[sweatycoward]

[ She was crying that was his fault maybe she's still crying and he's going to reach forward, try clumsily try to wipe away her tears if there are tears, maybe the trace of tears. She just wanted to visit her not-shitty family she just came home now she's sad, sad, sad.

A thought, arbitrary but striking with all the weight of truth: If his parrot was here, no one would be sad.

A resonance: 'Hurt your real family.' 'Break our hearts.'

(A warmth, vanished quickly under shame's resurgence: 'You're important. You're loved.')

He doesn't want to break her heart. Wallace's heart. Break other people's hearts sure, a lot of people suck a lot, but not them. His real real family.

Wallace didn't... Treavor doesn't remember Wallace saying much during the drive home, or after they'd come in. Was Wallace disappointed, too? Treavor had been thinking about Amaryllis. Treavor had been thinking elsewhere. Maybe Wallace hadn't talked because Wallace also was so sad.

Partly Treavor wants to crawl away, shrink into nothing. Because doesn't he always fuck things up this way? Isn't the feeling of being a disappointment familiar, but no, no, isn't it worse where she's involved? He doesn't like disappointing Wallace. He doesn't like disappointing Katrina. It was all fun and fine and good and he was feeling all right with Sheldon and Sheldon's mysterious aunt and Sheldon's aunt's mysterious fuckboy, when did things or how did things where did things go wrong?

He can't trace that way. Can't hold anything long enough to locate. What wasn't safe? He wants to... She's asking. She wants him to be safe? But what if he doesn't know what that means or how or where, because parrots are safe and friends (?? maybe ? friends ??) are safe and he doesn't see where an okay good time became suddenly unsafe? ]

I need to learn. I think?

'm sorry. Real real. I'm sorry, hey.

[thatminx]

[ Oh, look at his face, he's taking this hard. She knows he's taking this hard. He should take this hard, he needs to have some kind of adverse reaction to getting into cars with strangers from bars. But on the other hand...

God, it kills her. The thought of hurting him guts her, and that's something that should happen, too. It should never feel good to hurt his feelings, isn't that the problem with his brothers? Isn't that why the house is on fire in the first place?

Her hand slips down to his cheek and holds him steady so she can press kisses, soft and tender, to his temple, to the place just below his ear where she can feel his pulse. So she can rest her head against his and close her eyes against anymore tears. ]

It's okay. It scared me, I'm just scared. Remember, I get scared about falling and nothingness? If you got hurt, it would be a lot of falling and a lot of nothingness for me.

And we just - need to make some rules about cars, okay?

[ Make it a game, she thinks. He remembers games when he's drunk, doesn't he? No hide and seek in elevators, no drinking fountain water, no running when she's wearing heels. ]

Like a game. A really good game called - uh. Fish Family. The number one rule is, if you want to go somewhere in a car, you have to call me or Wallace to drive you. Is that a fair rule?

[sweatycoward]

[ Yeah, okay, rules he can do! Usually Treavor - drunk or sober - makes his own rules as he goes along, or just says 'fuck you' to each and every rule and kind of does what feels right. But he likes Katrina and he trusts his Katrina and therefore he will say okay to her rules. She wouldn't lead him wrong, just like Wallace never leads him wrong. And if rules will keep her from maybe being so sad...

Well, maybe he can show her he's not always a disappointment! (She doesn't think that, though? She doesn't look like she thinks that, though. Maybe she's trying to be kind to his feelings. She's very good like that.) Maybe. He can.

Maybe that's a tall tall order, a building higher than Treavor can climb. He's kind of an old pro at disappointment, isn't he? It's kind of in his bones. Break him down to pieces and he'll still be disappointment.

He likes her kisses, but he's sad now. Sad. He doesn't deserve those kisses, she should be careful with them. She's very good to give them, but maybe he maybe shouldn't have them. The sinking pit's sinking further. He likes the idea of this game, but it's hard it's very very tricky not to fall. Down, just down, to quiet and sad and inattention.

He won't give her that, though. Hey, if he's going to disappoint her, he can still try to listen. Still nod a little numbly and still be there even a disappointment can still be there in the dark, keep her safe from all that falling.

Don't think about the fact that no one should need to drive him. Didn't he drive himself one time, for a longish time?

Don't think about the fact that he probably calls Wallace too much asks a whole whole lot of Wallace, and what if he asks too much of Katrina? You can't always keep asking forever. Maybe?

A lot, a lot of things not to think about and he's been staring off a little, nodding again without really responding and um, and um, they were she was talking about... ]

I thought you were gone?

No, I. Yeah. I can call, okay. Mm... trust no drivers?

[ A moment, and he puts a hand on her... waist, her thigh, her somewhere, somewhere to make contact, reassure her.]

Won't leave you to the dark.

[thatminx]

[ Good. That's good. If he wants to file it away as 'trust no drivers', fine. She'll write all of these down for him anyway: a nice list of rules for drinking, rules for keeping him safe and alive.

And - sure. Yes. The hand on her hip, that's as reassuring as the reminder that he's there for her in the dark, that he'll come running if she ever feels that abyss closing in on her. Promises he made when she was too drunk to be coherent, promises she still remembers because they were important.

No one ever gave her a gift even remotely as precious (except for once, a stuffed fish in an aquarium in a desert. And that was him, too.)

(If she were to lose him -)

She smiles, sad and relieved. ]

That's good. That's really good, Fish. Trust no drivers except your wife and your Wallace.

[ He gets another kiss for that. ]

Do you want to make up a rule for the game? Or - how about we add one just for you, so the game's more fair? 'Any time Treavor wants to see Amaryllis, Katrina has to take him. Day or night, no matter what.'

[ She was gone this time, that's true. But she came right back, rushing back from Sleepy Hollow just to see for herself that he was alive and well. She comes running home to him.

If this all means that she has to come back from her parents' house on a Sunday night because he misses his goddamned bird, if it means she has to wake up Sheldon for it or do a little breaking and entering, it's worth it for her own peace of mind.

...And it's worth it to make him happy. He doesn't seem to be happy about many things. ]

[sweatycoward]

[ Oh, that's good, at least, that's a smile. Doesn't mean everything's okay, he knows most smiles don't mean that knows smiles mean a lot of things that aren't that, but it's a little bit of a step.

And that was a nice kiss.

And she's making up a rule a very agreeable rule for him??

What a good wife. What a better-than-he-deserves wife, and he's looking at her a little sideways, like yes he wants to see her keep her in his view but also shouldn't he be careful and shouldn't someone tell her that she shouldn't be so so there's a word so lenient with him?

It's a good game. The Fish Family game - she even named it!! - is a good game, he thinks, but— ]

What about rules for when, when Fish are disappointing?

Wait I mean. It's a good rule you're a good wife Amaryllis is a good parrot I.

No I like your rule I.

I'll be a better Fish, okay? I'll try.

[thatminx]

[ ...Disappointing?

She stares at him, uncomprehending as he tries to accept what she's saying, as he muddles through it. Why would he ask that? As if he thinks he could ever disappoint her, as if he thinks she would ever...make a rule about what happens when he's disappointing?

What, like punishing him?

Her stomach twists uncomfortably. Oh.

Some names surface. Tricia. Morgan. Custis. Waverly. His stepmother. His father.

A bad moment means he's been disappointing, doesn't it? And all of those people in his life like to find reasons to fuck with him, reasons to break him down just a little bit more, so they invent penalties for all the contrived disappointments he's meant to have caused.

Katrina sucks in a breath, slow and steadying, and her thumb brushes a slow arc across his cheek. ]

You have to listen to this. This is the most important rule. It's a rule that goes for every game we ever play, okay?

[ She lets that linger, lets him absorb how important this is, how he needs to listen, no matter how drunk or sad or sunken into himself he might be. ]

You are not disappointing. You're the best Fish. You're the best Treavor, and I am never disappointed in you. There are never going to be rules or penalties or punishments for when you're disappointing, because you don't disappoint me. I know who you are, and I'm proud of you. I'm proud you're my husband.

[sweatycoward]

[ He.

Likes the sound of that. He does, and he's listening, listening so very hard his heart hurts. Wouldn't it be nice, if that were true? Wouldn't it be nice, if really he didn't disappoint her at all, if really she's immune to his disappointing and if really she...

Is he something to be proud of? Sometimes, maybe? When she says it, he could believe it.

There's a warmth slowly drifting through his chest, drawing him back and away from the sinking he knows so well. But there's also a hesitation. But there's also still a question. Because she means it, she sounds as if she means it and he trusts her, wants to trust her, but what if also... What if something's been, say, lost or misheard or? Because this isn't what happens. This isn't ever what happens with him.

A reminder: She's different.

But also he's hopeless, isn't that right? So much evidence stacked up against him, and what if she's just being a very nice a very good wife only, only, she wouldn't lie to him! and it's a rule, isn't it, she said it's a rule and why would she make up things about a rule?

The conclusions don't. The conclusions don't amount to much and he's can't really hold them? It's too much. There's too much here to sort through, he only knows that instinct says he's fucked up and he did, he did, there was something he did that— ]

Hey, but I.

You can't kid me, kid. You were...

I don't want to make you cry. Don't want to be a reason for your sad.

[ He's looking at her now, eyes wide and insistent, because doesn't she see of course she has to. He wants to believe her. But it's a lot to take in. And isn't he a lot, a lot, a lot to take on? ]

[thatminx]

[ She's going to have to remind him. She's going to have to keep reminding him, every fucking day if she has to, that he's not a disappointment.

(Somewhere in the back of her mind, she thinks how much she hates them, how family should never make family feel this way. How they should never break someone, and then hand that someone over to others to break them further. She thinks about how much he loves stars and his parrot and games and beautiful things, and she hates them for telling him he's disappointing.) ]

I'm not sad. I'm upset. I was scared about the situation, because I thought something could have happened to you. I thought you could have gotten in an accident, and then the best man in the world would just be gone.

[ She has to reel it in. If she doesn't reel it back a little, she'll start crying all over again. She can cry more later, or hold tight to him and thank god (or Wallace) that he's safe and here.

Another breath. Another steadying, firm breath, and she leans her forehead against his. ]

I love you, and I'm proud of you. That's the rule. You can't think I'm disappointed, because if I was disappointed, I'd be breaking the rules. Do I ever break our rules?

[sweatycoward]

[ There's a difference, maybe. Between. Between scared and disappointment. Between disappointing and... and... what? The thought's beyond him now. Too far beyond him, maybe something for later, but there's something to be caught here, something that would sort this into sense. There is a difference, even if he can't name it. She wouldn't lie to him. Katrina would never, never lie.

She called him the best.

She means it.

She said this is different.

He wouldn't leave her, he would never!, but she said something about an accident and don't accidents happen with people who've been drinking? Sheldon... Barry... Aunt Mary... Someone said they hadn't been drinking?? But people who are not Katrina and who aren't Wallace lie.

Oh, maybe that's a problem. Maybe that's the reason for the rule, the first rule of Fish Family.

Her head's set against his and this time her presence steadies him a little. Reminds him that there's ground for standing on right now, that she hasn't banished him that she hasn't, what, let him banish himself? She's always, always here for her monster.

A small smile, flickered and fragile, but beginning to believe her. For now, at least for now. ]

No. Not our rules. Mm. I know you never would.

[ He rubs his forehead against hers, just a little, careful bit. ]

All right.

No drivers, no disappointments. Just parrots. Just you being... not disappointed? Me being not disappointing.

Lucky, lucky Fish.

[thatminx]

That's right. You got it.

[ There, that's good. It's sinking in a little, she can see he's following along (mostly - he's still stuck on that parrot, isn't he? Why on earth did he give her up if he loves her so much?)

Oh, and look at that smile, doesn't that just break her heart? After all those years of horror from his family, it's a little like putting him back together, isn't it? A little like filling in the cracks and letting him be a person again.

That's one step in the right direction. Day by day, small victories, that's all it'll take. And she gets something out of this, too: that melting, fuzzed feeling beneath her ribs when he smiles, because he loves her so well. Because she's sure he'll try his best.

He might not be able to do anything for her, but she believes he would try, and that's more than anyone else ever offered.

Her smile grows, larger than his but no less fragile.]

And loved Fish. Don't forget loved, because I love you. You're my light in the dark, right?

Lucky, lucky Kat.