tfln open post

[byanyname]

***

either leave a message (or set of muses) for one of my assholes, or request a message from one of them. choose messages from the classic source, from your own skull, or whatever you may please.

Comments

[sweatycoward]

Excuse me, Miss. I happen to know this LAWYER of yours is actually a fish, and therefore...

(GASP!!)

...a fake lawyer, and ineligible for flirt court!

We might be able to settle this out of court, though.

MAYBE.

[thatminx]

[ She's just going to shout from the bathroom: ]

THAT'S FISH DISCRIMINATION!!!!

[ And texting resumes: ]

Fish can be lawyers if they really want to be. Fish can do anything. Fish are magnificent creatures.

But I might be willing to discuss arbitration.

MAYBE.

1/2

[sweatycoward]

Hey.

Kid.

Loud noises.

:c :c :c

That's fish headache. :c

[ Okay maybe it's not really bad maybe that noise wasn't loud enough for too much pain but look, look, he can be dramatic sometimes, can't he? ]

2/2

[sweatycoward]

I HAPPEN to be acquainted with every law school on this planet, and none of them admit fish. :/

Which is better for the fish, really.

Mmm... Let's. Talk about that arbitration. What's a flirt like you got to put on the table?

1/2

[thatminx]

Oh oh sorry sorry :(

Poor Fish. And the aspirin's in here with me. :( :( Sorry.

2/2

[thatminx]

...

...myself. ;)

[sweatycoward]

Kid. Kid.

It's fine.

You know who's good at being overdramatic? Me. It's a fish thing. It's fine.

It's especially fine because this Fish has a very good wife, even if she DID lock herself in the bathroom. :/

[thatminx]

Hey now.

If anyone locked me in here, it's the one who removed the doorknob and didn't put up a sign.

And ending up in your bathroom trap is in no way a mark against my ability to be a good wife. I bet I'd be an awesome wife if I ever got out of here.

[sweatycoward]

Nah, you're already an awesome wife from inside the bathroom. Maybe that's why you're stuck in there. Maybe you're TOO good a wife, and if you escape the bathroom, the world'll collapse. Did you think about that?



.....I thought I made a sign... :c

[thatminx]

Monster wife. Rampaging with kisses and home-cooked meals. Definitely world-destroying.

[...]

Awww. You probably did make a sign. It must have vanished from the door. Maybe someone stole it?

In fact, that's definitely what happened. Someone broke in last night and ripped the warning sign off the bathroom door, then ran out.

I bet it was Chauncey. He looks like trouble.

[sweatycoward]

Noo, Chauncey would never steal my signs. Just ignore them. Did I tell you he ignores my signs? I put a sign on his chair that said 'Do Not Sit Here This Is An Emergency Seat For Treavor's Friend Michael,' and he sat right down on the sign. I asked him what the fuck, he said I don't have friends, and then he kept working. Or looking at jokes. Whatever he was doing.

Probably I left it somewhere. You may or may not have noticed, but I make a lot of half-assed efforts when I'm drunk.

...Also when I'm not drunk, if we're being honest.

[thatminx]

Hey, hey, that's my husband you're talking about. You're not allowed to be self-deprecating while I'm locked in bathrooms. It's the LAW.

If you're going to say mean things about my husband

who is my favorite person on the face of the planet

who punched someone twice his size for me

who has the most beautiful soul

you have to let me out of the bathroom so I can fight for his honor. With cuddles. Aggressive cuddles.

[sweatycoward]

Just speaking truth, kid.

And I can't let you out if I can't get out of bed.

Which, you know. These pillows are pretty soft. Pretty good for aching heads.

And the bed keeps me safe from the law I broke. :o

[thatminx]

:o You're keeping me locked in the bathroom to avoid punishment for breaking the law???

Cold. Cold, cold Fish.

Putting me in prison for your self-shit-talking crime. And taking all the pillows, too.

[sweatycoward]

Mm... next time I break the doorknob - ALLEGEDLY break the doorknob - I'll leave a couple pillows in the tub, okay? Or maybe you should start taking pillows with you to the bathroom? Emergency pillows, just in case.

Also hey I didn't put you in there, I would never. :c

LEAVE you there, maybe. Just for let's say another hour or so? Just until I figure out how standing works.

[thatminx]

Don't worry about it. I texted Wallace while you were storytelling. He shooooould be here in 15 or so. Freedom is on the horizon, and then you're in some REAL trouble.

For breaking the law.

Unless you want to really impress your wife and beat him to the door. I want to come back to bed. c:

Maybe I'll let you off the hook.

1/2

[sweatycoward]

What if I tell Wallace NOT to let you out of the bathroom?

What if I tell him my wife is going to throw the law at me and he has to protect me??

2/2

[sweatycoward]

What if this Fish likes the hook you've got him on?

[thatminx]

I don't think you'd be that cruel. But hypothetically speaking? I'll be a sad wife because my husband wants me to stay locked in the bathroom instead of coming back to bed. What a horrible thing to do to your me when all I want is to be with my you.

And also, if you tell Wallace not to let me out of the bathroom, I'll tell him you gave me his Swedish fish.

[...]


You can stay on the hook if you want to. ;)

[sweatycoward]

I wouldn't tell Wallace that. :c

Wouldn't want you to stay in there. Also, I don't think Wallace would listen to me. He likes you too much.

Also his Swedish fish. He likes them too much, too.

But if he's coming to get you, I guess I can go back to sleep. Nice and cozy fish taco time.

That is, ummm, I'll keep the bed warm for you. Yeah.

[ What's that he's actually doing? Propping himself up and rubbing at his face, trying very hard to find the wherewithal to stand? Sitting fully upright with a few sick turns of nausea? This isn't cozy fish taco time, at all! ]

[thatminx]

But if you go back to sleep, who's going to flirt with me until Wallace gets here?

I can't believe you remember the fish taco thing, you were wasted

[sweatycoward]

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

[ That's one very sleepy Fish, huh?

One very sleepy Fish who's managed to get his feet on the floor but can't quite get his head out of his hands because yes the room is nice and dark but his head's not so nice, and it's not nice and dark beyond the door.

But hey, he'll get there. Anything for his wife, best wife. He just. Needs another minutes of pretend zzzzs. ]

[thatminx]

:c :c :c Nooooooooooooo wake up, talk to me.

Please?

I don't want to be alone in here :c

[ If it isn't readily apparent, she absolutely doesn't expect him to come let her out. ]

[sweatycoward]

Zzz. c:

[ Okay.

Okay okay okay, he can do this, this... Is gonna ache, but hey, he's been through worse, right?

Up.

Over.

Open the... Fuck, that sure is morning out there, isn't it? He's just going to squint and shield his eyes, fingers pressed hard against his forehead. All right, well, this is... miserable? Miserable.

That's okay. That's the bathroom door, sans any sign of a sign. That's him leaning against the wall, knocking on the door lightly, once then twice. ]

Flirt police.

[ Okay fine so his voice sounds pretty ragged so what the flirt police had probably a lot to drink last night, it happens. ]

[thatminx]

[ She begins to text another set of pleas, Treavor please don't play stop playing no no this isn't funny, but the sound of a knock - one, then a second - freezes her.

He got up. He got himself out of bed and came to rescue her! (...Granted, from the problem he probably caused. But still!)

She's up like a shot, spilling Swedish fish all over the floor, and presses her hands to the door. One taps quietly but insistently, flat-palmed on the wood. Out, out, let me out - even so, she can't help herself. ]

You'll never take me alive.

[ Stage whispered, stage laugh-whispered, of course, for the sake of his head. He must be miserable, Poor Fish. ]

I have hostages. A bunch of Swedes.