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kingdomsofrain2024-01-24 08:25 pm
onefellswoop) wrote in kingdomsofrain2024-01-24 08:25 pmtexts texts texts
this one is for texts!
onefellswoop) wrote in kingdomsofrain2024-01-24 08:25 pm
2/2
They know the rules about my name. They know a name like 'Talik' is intimate in ways they aren't with me.
Senan has 'Tally' for me, which [...] I don't begrudge, but which I don't prefer, either. Will he stop? No. Darius has called me Vitya [...] before. I hope he does again. I feel that every time we fight and come together again, the names reset between us all. I dislike this.
[...]
I wish the story was more interesting about my meeting with them, but it's very dull. I met Darius at Harvard. I interned with him and we became friends.
He was much less volatile back then. Or, he was much as he is right now, with Enri.
I suppose I was kept away from you. "For reasons", Senan says.
They were bad reasons. I don't care what they were. Sergiy could just as well have come from a relationship with you, whether [...] biologically or surrogacy or anything at all
Fuck, I shouldn't say such things to or about you
Even if they're true, I
[...]
Nova, were you happy? All those years before, in the time between when we might have, perhaps should have met and now, have you had happiness?
You were happy with Roza, yes?
Please, tell me that's so.
Then I wouldn't mind it so much. All the years [...] I might have known you. How absurd it is that we didn't meet.
For myself, I was happy - some of the time. Not as I am when I speak to you, no, and not as I am when I think of the life ahead, the one with a family. Sergiy and my Vevay, hopefully two more! Nicky and Liza, so that everything is righted. This is happiness unlike any I've known.
But I've had normal, everyday happiness.
1/3
[ … ]
Asking as questions of this sort, those on happiness, don’t come out from nowhere.
Won’t say you’ve no right to melancholy. Your Vevay’d like to ease it as it comes, if it’s come, but I ken it’s got its place, or else there’re times there’s no sense tearing it away without the time to process, as it’ll come gnashing back stronger yet.
Still and all. Your Vevay’s here, and I’ll be here always, all right? Here and closer still. Those eleven days’ll spell themselves out, and then we’ll banish all this distance, speaking spatial. 🧡
Aye here and for answering, I’ve had happiness, that’s so, and it’s rarely far off. Been fortunate my own ways, and then I make a habit of looking for that brightness daily, drawing what I can even if from traces, chances, aye? There’re times it takes effort for finding and I won’t say there aren’t times it’s more absent than not, but [ … ] I’ve learned where to look, what to focus in on.
That’s no speaking any fault on any who’re reft from happiness, or who don’t go, eh, looking the way I’ve described. It ain’t for everyone, won’t work for everyone. Nor’s it a cure all for clouds closing in and won’t heal the world or save the self alone.
Works for me all right enough, is what I mean. And what I mean as well is your Vevay’s not been distant from some manner of happiness, so aye, know that, my Talik. 🧡
[ … ]
[ … ]
There’s this for saying.
I’mFuck of it gets meAbsurd’s a way for putting it, and a true one at that. That we’ve been so near and circles and never before met.Won’t say it doesn’t fuck me off, thinking how you and I might’ve met years before and thinking what might’ve been [ … ] aye avoided, staved off, were it not for interventions, or else silences kept ill advised.
Fucking Lolly.
Fucking Sen, Rin, Darius all. Something to be said for loyalty I won’t argue that, but one of em might’ve opened their fuckin mouth just once.
Been trying not to dwell on that one, past having passed and gone beyond reworking. But the thought’s there and the anger, that too.
Hard to keep vexed for long when I’m speaking with you and have you now and all my thoughts go weak kneed and joyful, and it’s truth I’ve never been much for sustaining anger with those that aren’t thrice fucked. But jesus shite, can’t say I don’t wish one’ve would’ve spoke the fuck up.
Might be if nothing else, you’d’ve been spared the devastation she’s been
But then there’s Sergiy and his is an existence matters and
[ … ]
I’ve no regrets regarding life with Roza and the kids, course not. Regret’s in what came after, the kids and herself caught in crossfire of what [ … ] the family that was and wasn’t never mine brought bearing down.
There’s some shits only give a fuck for their own selves, and not a mind for ruins they bring about.
Fuck them, anyrate.
I was happy with her and the kids, and far as I understand, she felt the same. Nicky and Liza, they were happy, and that’s cause for joy itself, aye? So we had a life together she and I, built it all the moments we had and nay it wasn’t love among the stars or sky crossed romance, but ordinary happiness itself’s no small thing.
Also isn’t comparable to what I feel with you, or know at a single word of yours, single thought upon yourself. Isn’t comparable the least to how I feel speaking your name, calling you Talik.
There’s pride in that, for you and for myself, that you’ll let me speak it, welcome myself to knowing you this way. And there’s starshine struck across my being, every time I think it, write it, see it writ.
Going to upend me in its speaking, I’m certain on that. A beautiful upending, and a happiness to put all past sorrows into silence.
There’s nothing stands against the speaking of your name, my Talik.
There’s nothing sings as bright as you yourself. 🧡 And fact is that for all I've held happiness through most my living, I’ve been happier speaking with you, sharing in these texts with you, than I can count in years past thinking.
2/3
Beautiful you are, beautiful your speaking and your wholeness. A man could go a lifetime seeking after that intensity you speak and feel. Longing for it, and knowing its lack like a hole at his heart.
I’ve gone that lifetime, looking, wishing. And much’s I’d wish to’ve met you sooner, truth is as well you’re worth the waiting.
Anyone meets you with disgust’s twisted on their own end. That’s no fault of yours, Talik. That’s nothing rotten in yourself.
[ … ]
[ … ]
Thinking it’s not so much a guess to suggest a voice of that disgust’s come from the one who should’ve welcomed you best. Took your hand and heart and gave naught in kind.
I’ve met disgust myself, comes of searching widely, comes of folks express themselves most oft as shits. It’s tosh no matter the source. Sours worse by far when it comes from those loved and trusted, turns to a rancid mindfuck. It’s a dire wrong given, and it’s a dire wrong been launched on you.
I’d hazard to guess as well that woman spoke outside of feeling, or else attached the vitriol of her own heart to words that never wronged her. What I mean’s that whatever disgust she spoke or pointed accusation at was more tool than truth, and calling disgust down on adorations earnestly expressed, physical or otherwise, amounts to words built for wounding, aye, built for sowing doubt. For leading a man to doubt hisself and his intentions.
I don’t fucking like her, and that’s saying the least of it[ … ]
Vitaly. You aren’t what she’s said.
Aren’t what any’ve said that failed to meet you as you are or take you honest.
Bears saying as well it’s a waste and a shame, your words being made to shy from writing. Yourself not certain in their place or rightness. There words of yours are as you yourself are, meant to keep and meant for cherishing. For meeting, reading over and again, and knowing splendour in the beauty they bring.
[ … ]
Letting this much keep to a message of its own. Better keep the rest apart.
3/3
Melts me and incites me, both at once, and that’s no small achieving. No small gift to your Vevay. c;
And there you are speaking sense on top of all. Far as I’ve seen, you’re dead on about those pinning all that’s desire on their cock. It’s addle headed to the utmost, seeing as a dick can be beautiful for beholding sure and for feeling, but it ain’t the be all end all, and those calling it so bring tedium to frigging and naught in way of romance. Does the job for a quick fuck or it can do, but that spells the start and shut of it.
Aye and look clearly, speaking clearly I’ve naught against dicks and am fond of my own, might say and would say needed this my own. Don’t change the fact it’s one piece of the whole in sex, same way any genitalia’s one piece of it and sometimes needn’t play much in at all. Seems to me a core requirement’s that you spoke of, participation and enjoyment. Where’s the point in getting down with others when a man’s got no minding of collaboration? Figure a sort like that’s better off beating it alone or eh, there’s toys for that purpose.
Then and for myself, if there’s never aught of the romantic to it, my engagement goes minimal right swift. (That, speaking generally. There’re times sheer need and physical wanting’ll have its play. No shame to those sharp longings, and no shame letting em soar in sex. Only key is all parties involved bein for it, as you yourself’ve said.)
Romantic meaning, here I mean what’s found in feeling of emotional kinds. What’s grown out from the heart and dreaming, that as well. Eh it’s also or it’s better termed awareness, maybe, a sort of listening with ears and thought tuned toward those tidal forces. Tuned for seeking and seeking expression of what’s nothing can be contained in body or in breath alone.
Point being, Talik, I feel it all run deep. Point being as well it’s that depth and what it draws out that I want.
And my thinking is we can bring that out for one another. Seek it out and chase it always further. The way you speak, the way you feel to me, the warmth in all your heart and fire in yourself, aye, I’m certain of it.
Certain of it, of you, of us alike.
1/2
Nothing's wrong, my Vevay. I promise. I can't be unwell with you in my future, do you see?
The problem is, I think of all the years gone by and how I might have known you long before any of the unhappy things. Those I knew, those that you endured. How I'd have liked -
Well, this isn't to say we would have been happy always. Of course, life is full of sorrow and it's impossible to avoid it entirely.
But I mean to say, if I'd known you, I could have been with you. I might have been there to hold your hand through difficulty. Eh, like this [...] [...] what is it. When you made yourself physically male.
Transition. Correct?
Transitioned. When you began this, or during it, I would have liked to be beside you. I know it isn't an easy process, and though you haven't said so much about that time, I think it's possible you were treated badly by those who should have loved you.
I would have liked to love you then as I loAnd you said you only finished with your shoe pump a year ago, isn't that so? Who was there to care for you while you were recovering all these stages? Friends, all right, but [...] maybe it would have been nice if a boyfriend also had been there, steady and constant.
Or a husband, eh?
It makes me angry, it's true. Something was taken from us that was much more than romance; all the things I wish I could have done for you, those were taken away.
But I can't undo this. Instead, I can be glad you were happy. I can be glad you look for happiness.
You see how I mean?
[...]
There was something more I began to say, but I'm worried it would be inappropriate or [...] phobic? Phobic, maybe. But that word seems wrong. A moment, please? Let me find the word for what I mean.
2/2
I don't mean it this way. It's nothing to do with you or that you're a man. You are a man, my Nova, and always have been.
But I thought [...] and think. If I had known you so many years ago, maybe you would have been Sergiy's father. I don't know if this is even a possibility for someone who transitioned, to be a biological parent.
Eh, even if it had been you and me and a woman to [...] [...] donation. No, no - donate. A surrogate.
You could have been his father with me.
[...]
His life would have been so much better with you for a father, Nova. He would have been happier than he is.
...This is something I shouldn't say to you. Well, none of it is. But this, as well: he's unhappy. It breaks my heart to hear him speak as he does.
[...]
She never wanted children, you see.He isn't permitted to call her anything but Mother and Madeline. He sees her only sometimes; a woman I hired cares for him.
This seems cruel to me.
[...]
It seems cruel to me that you love him more than his own mother, and that once, there was even the smallest chance he could have been your son, instead.
[...]
I suppose while I'm saying unspeakable things, I'll say also that I married her and thought I felt love. I could have known you and [...] well. Now I have something to compare with my feelings for her.
We would have been happy. I feel this in the marrow of my bones, Nova. There was no reason for keeping me from knowing you that could justify any of the unhappiness that you, or I, or Sergiy have lived.
[...]
But we have 'husband' on a shelf, isn't that so? We'll put 'Sergiy's Da' beside it, in case he loves you. (I believe he will. He takes after me.)
(I didn't say the words! This, it doesn't count.)
[...]
Please don't think poorly of me for saying such things. Above all else, I mean to say that I believe in the rightness of you for myself - and for him.
1/2
Nothing I think or could think poorly of you for, not in the least. All you say's an increase in my estimation. Trust that for me, Talik, best you can.
My meaning’s I’ve no fear in you, Talik. My meaning’s you’ve naught to fear in speaking, nor hazard of my mistaking. There’s no one sees me clearer than you’ve done, and no one seeks me keener than yourself. No one sees the world with feeling sights so near my own.
Talik. I call it nothing short of cause for pride, that you’d think on what might have been, myself beside you from the start with Sergiy. However his conception, to think he might have been ours from first breath, and that he might have had us then [ … ]
I’d have liked that.
I’d have loved him, that’s so. As I do, and as I will. With or without that name upon the shelf, hoped for just as ardent as the name it sits beside.
[ … ]
Saying I’m sorry can’t begin covering my meaning.
Your boy’s been, aye as you yourself’ve been, dealt a rank and rotten hand.
That’s nothing of your doing, Talik. It’s naught but what’s in her hands, who snared him from your holding, who keeps him from you and you from him for what, sake of fucking spite?
[ … ]
I’d ask what manner of person does that shite, but then I know the answer, as I know the sort most apt’s to do it’s the sort best versed at keeping motives quiet. Keeping themselves hid, until that trap’s been sprung.
Rancid trick of fate, that you should have been drawn with her, that she’s had it in her power and position to keep your son withheld.
Rancid, her, and cruel as well, with no business playing at his mother when there’s little care she bears him. Fucking egregious, is what it is. Behaviour unfit for any soul.
It’ll be changed for Sergiy, and he’ll have better. Naught but brightness ahead for Sergiy. Nothing saves what’s sustaining and supportive, and he’ll have happiness again, have joy the likes he always ought to’ve had, and would have had, with you.
With you, or with us both.
[ … ]
I can be a father with you still, my Talik. Names for future paths and possibilities, but that hope’ll be here in my heart.
And regardless of all else, he’ll be with you again sooner than not. All facts turn in that direction, hey? And you’ve plenty on your side and Sergiy’s. Myself, of course, and then Darius, his lawyers, guessing as well Sen and every other shithead, and we’re naught if not resourceful.
It’ll be done, Talik. It’ll be well.
2/2
[ … ]
Ah, fuck me.
I’d’ve liked you there all along.
Liked you there, thrived upon your presence. All would’ve been easier, all sorrows turned more toward enduring. And my expectation is and feeling is all hurts would’ve been better, swifter mended, and had more balance by far against their pains. Aye, and how validated’d I have found myself, how sure would I’ve seen myself in your eyes and your voice?
Would’ve been a different world, that’s so.
[ … ]
That transitioning. My transitioning. Part of the trouble speaking it’s that it’s tangled, runs decades back. I’d like to [ … ] speak it with you. Just there’s times I don’t know where to start from, and then for all the roughness through it, I’ve come through all right, and kept myself the whole way through.
What you said, that about being treated badly, I’d not suggest the case were otherwise. Best way to call those first years’d be fraught, speaking the least. Happens that way most often, seems, and fact is I’m luckier than many.
Granted that ain’t saying much. Granted the truth’s it’s fucked, how little support’s there and how many around’re quick for jumping to frenzy, my meaning being frenzy in negating. Frenzy in keeping image as they like it, suits them, don’t muck up their picture of what life should be, which I don’t need to tell you’s a fucked proposition from the go.
[ … ]
The parents I was born to and the brother that was, guessing you’ve gathered they were none of em receptive. Reason I turned up in Burn Bridge, aye. Reason I’d’ve gone off anywhere and count myself lucky for that aunt, shambolic though she herself was.
What I mean’s transition kicked off early, young, myself knowing I’d no match for what they called me. Lucky in itself some ways, to know so sure and young, and I’d not trade the knowing, whatever it brought with.
Lucky also, finding eh, allegiances and friends throughout the way. Burn Bridge came a blessing in that, between the twins and Lolly, Sen, their mums. Those affording employ in spite of my whatever they’d term it, oddities, eh. Had places to live, mostly, and that’s nothing small. All this before any surgeries could be pursued or start seeming in my reach at all.
[ … ]
Here. I know your meaning, that on what’s past alteration or undoing. Truth’s we’ve a choice in looking to what bolsters, what’s sustained and shaped itself as happiness, goodness, parts and moments not sunk down in sorrows.
Truth’s also I’d have valued you, liked you there and all along.
Here’s truth as well though, aye. That you’re speaking all of this at all, talk of how you’d’ve been there. How recovery might’ve been with my boyfriend, my husband, who knows me better than any.
That you’d’ve been beside me through it. That you’d think to say it, and that I know you’d’ve been strong as your word.
That you’d think and entertain this could have been scenario, just as you’d think and wish for Sergiy to have been ours.
It’s nothing surprising, aye not really, not when all aligns with your heart and spirit, that kindness in you and your scope of vision. Still and all it flattens me, knocks me dazed and warms me through.
[ … ]
See what I mean, Talik? There’s luck I’ve got on my side. And no luck surer than what brought me here with you.
1/2
Does it feel to you, also, that no matter where you try to start, you think of something that came before, or something later that was more important?
[...]
We have our lives ahead to piece together these fragments, Vevay. You'll speak to me when you're ready, no matter whether you start from the beginning or the end, and I'll hear you. I'll ask questions if I need to help me understand everything.
This, however, is a plaguing thought: I have you now, when I haven't been there in your times of need.
Eh, I know. You don't have to say anything. It isn't a thought that has any place or rightness. Still, it exists, a sorrow inside of me that maybe you needed and I could have answered. Perhaps it's something to keep so that there's never a moment in the future when you reach out and find no hand to take yours.
I'll care for you. You'll let me do this, won't you? And if you want to care for me, I'll let you, also.
I'd like this.
To be cared for
Selfish thing to
Well, it doesn't matter.
2/2
Here, tell me about Burn Bridge. I haven't been there; I met Senan and Rin in Germany. All he ever said to me about it is, "If you can find it on a map, I'll tell you whatever you want to know."
Well, this is paraphrasing. I don't want to be rude, but he was very drunk and you know, my English was much worse then. I still have some difficulty with his accent. And yours, unfortunately. I like it, I do! But it's [...] much like a video game. Do you understand?
A class for beginning English is Easy. Everyday conversation is Normal. Academic is Hard. Yours is hard mode. I can play this, but sometimes I'll die and have to repeat some things. Challenging and fun.
Drunken Senan is Nightmare.
He had forgotten he said that to me and thought I was "taking the piss" when I told him I'd found it on a map.
So, please, tell me about your home?
1/2
Couple of wishes bounds in one. Knowing your care, that’s a piece of it and no small part. Waking with the knowledge of yourself imminent, of my Talik with me always. (Happens I know some measuring of this already, the way I wake with your image set upon my mind, your words the first things meet my eyes as I pull up out of sleep. The way I know you in my trusting, and the constant in my universe looks precisely like yourself.
My boyfriend!)
The other part of my wish is in caring for you. I want it, aye, and more besides, it’s what I’d ask the privilege of giving. What I’d like to be for my Talik.
My thinking is, eh partly is, you’re sore overdue for care yourself. And even were it not so, fact remains you’d be hard set to slip your Vevay’s care, as fact remains as well it’s in my heart to care for you, hey?
I’ll be near for you myself, my hand at ready for yours when it ain’t busy seeking your own, no need for either of us grappling longer alone.
Ey and it might be, might just be I’ve been over here already vowing to keep you warm and guarded. Little as I look the defensive force (aye, nothing like the powerhouse my Talik is c;), your Vevay’s got a stubborn streak and a will to fight where those I love come concerned.
As I figure it, what’s love without caring and caring for, hey?
There’s plenty else I wish beside, I’d guess that goes without saying. Such as hearing all you’ve got for speaking to me, and giving all I’ve got for you. Such as easing off the past from your knowing (Sergiy’s too, if it’s ever in my right to do) so there’s little left to haunt you. Such as pushing up against you in the night, and fair warning’s I’m given both to sprawling and to clinging, can’t break that habit nor can I say I’d try. c;
Here’s one further thing, Talik, and it’s I need you now, much as I ever could and would’ve done before. That’s crucial, aye, that’s salvation in its own. and I’ll not have you overlooking it. c: 🧡
2/2
Beauty of it is, fucks with those brashing in posh and proper like they’ve a right to saying what is and ain’t language. Argue this our dialect’s English sings just as right as theirs and watch em turn red in the face. Sen hisself had a talent running rings around the manky knobs.
Saying it ain’t less right’s not to say it’s the same sphere of comprehensible, or it ain’t so without eh prolonged exposure. Which you’ll find yourself having in time Talik, no doubt there. c; Eh and meanwhile. Won’t say I’m any more comprehensible past sobriety than Senan ever was, nor in daily convo, but
Ey but here’s a cheat code for you, Talik. Times I get obscure, all you’ve to do is give my elbow a tug and tell me ‘Vevay, Vevay, slow down’ or ‘Vevay, back to earth,’ and then back to earth and comprehensible (ish) speech I’ll go, seeing as that’s where my Talik is and where I wish being.
Right, and here I’ll tell you something of Burn Bridge, eh not that there’s so much for telling, and you tell me something of your family, aye? What it’s been like growing among em, what it’s been like keeping whatever contact with em, seems the lots of you’ve got closeness and that’s something I admire, aye.
Likesaid, truth about Burn Bridge’s there ain’t much to it. Half the time it ain’t marked out proper, which I’m guessing you yourself saw, seeking it out. Bright spot of that’s gets it to feeling a bit of an inside secret among the locals, or else the locals who’ve been there long enough for taking root. There’s a contingent of us’ve been there years now, aye and more than a handful’ve called it there’s decades more than myself.
Outside that cluster of us, town’s getting to be a place between places, eh, liminal space, like? Those that come here’re looking for a landing spot more’n anything, somewhere for sleeping between commutes. Well and. Part it’s the fact of what space the country’s got and hasn’t got, and most passing through’d not distinguish Burn Bridge from Pannal, and no fault to em. There’s little kept within the town itself for doing, so a body seeking entertainment’s like to head over to the aforementioned Pannal or up to Harrogate, assuming they’ve sounder transport than the fuckall we’ve got for public transit.
Most of what we’ve gots homes and then a couple of pubs, one of em known, one of em less so. The second ain’t pretty, but it’s quieter and more alive, both, making it my choice most often if I’m keeping near to home. Know the publicans by this point, know the usual crowd and how to work their navigating, what’ll please em or else set em off.
Eh and out back of that pub, there’s the alleyway we used to get fucked up and break shite, for lack of more delicate terms. Tried racing rats a few times but then the rodent’s weren’t keen for complying and we took to placing bets of bolt races instead. Eh and the owner at the time’d give a few quid for raising ruckus if tourists came round. Kept them away and the pub as the man liked it, hey?
The people ain’t so rotten, most of em. Got something of Britain’s usual suspects in the way of arse mindedness and as is bound to be, but there’ve been enough of us opposing the old horse shite standard to sway minds a bit toward the eh progressive, ish. And then there was Moira seeing to us years back, making clear there’d be no tolerating damage done to we of the less mill standard youth.
Fact is most days I’ve no mind against the eh minimalism in accommodations. Tradeoff here’s closer presence of fields and scant forests, even got bluebells when the time’s right. [ … ] Like to show you em sometime, Talik. Can stretch out there an hour and more on a good day, not a body interrupting and just the sounds of sheeps nearby.
Here, ey, small storytelling for you. There’s the beck nearby, full of crayfish and there were an old fish tank of my aunt’s, she’d not had a guppy in ages so I fettled up the thing and kitted it with rocks and plants, the like, picked up a handful of crayfish and had em several months. Work all right til I got the bright notion inviting the girls, eh, Nelli and Pippa to add a couple of their own. Surprising no one knows em now, they spent spare moments coaxing the things to mating, up to and including staging a crayfish centric version of The Bachelor.
Ended up setting em free some point, myself sneaking out with a sack middle of the night, just to give the fellas a break.
Eh well and one of em’d got to pinching, and I’d got sick to death bandaging my fingers.
1
[...]
Is this you with Senan? The one who almost kill him?
[ It's a digitized version of a very, very old recording: a group of young men in an alleyway, striking each other with a folding chair. Near the end of the video, the individual Vitaly is asking about brings the chair down on a shirtless Sen's back, but it unfolds mid-swing. The legs hit him directly on the spine; Sen staggers and falls.
Someone bends down and takes his cigarette from him, then meanders off-screen, smoking it. ]
It's you!!!
I've seen you before, then!
Look, there's my Vevay, fucked up and breaking 'shite'. 💙
[...]
You'll ask this, I think: I have many of these. Senan asked me to make them digital for him, and, eh, I kept some. Blackmail.
Eh, at least you kissed him before he almost died. Lucky Senan.
2
Generational trauma! The crayfish in your beck (brook?) are probably the great-grandchildren of the ones they harassed.
We'll take them food and have a picnic with them. Dodo can be our crayfish ambassador. c;
[...]
коханий, please: never come back to earth. That IS a cheat, because it makes you lesser. My star, you belong in any sky that makes you happy.
If I can't understand something you say, I'll ask you to repeat it for me, or I'll try to work it out for myself, like above. I've been near to Senan enough that it's not incomprehensible, and you're right: I'll be exposed to it from now on.
Never stop, never change it. You owe this to no one, Vevay.
Don't worry: I'll keep up with you. Eh, and if I can't, there's a very good view from behind.
3/3
It's strange to think of someone caring for me. I mean to say - in practical ways, not in the sense of emotional caring.
[...]
[...]
I suppose it's so that men like me should be the one providing - and I don't complain about this. I want to provide for my family. For you.
See, this thought makes me smile.
[...]
This is a difficult conversation. It's more than just Madeline and our marriage. Here, there are [...] expectations of men who look like me, who come from families like mine.
[...]
Being homosexual is [...] a failing of character. So is the want for care.
...Homosexual, bisexual, either one.
No, I shouldn't
I
It's only that
Eh, forgive me. This subject gives me some anxiety. No, no, you don't need to reassure me, don't worry.
It's only that it's hard to call myself these things, even if they're true. Even if I think once I see you, once I'm with you, I'll feel happiness in the truth. This is remembered fear; I spent many years afraid I would be discovered. Better to make myself strong and capable, do all the things men do here.
[...]
No picnics with crayfish, you see how it is?
There's nothing I wish to hide; I don't think I care very much for women at all. But that word still makes me feel someone will catch me doing what I shouldn't.
So does saying I want you to care for me as I care for you.
Well, it feels selfish, as well.
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I’d no clue there’s footage of that??
[ … ]
Christ but that was ages past. I was binding then, and all.
Thing about Sen, as well about Verne and the twins, the whole lot that ran with em, is there was no questioning the man, eh boy, I was. Never felt out of place among em, or I mean the times I did weren’t any of their doing. Chalk that up to workings of dysphoria and those around the rest of town.
[ … ]
Thing as well. It does me good, hearing you excited and [ … ] speaking of me and then seeing me in myself then as now.
Does me good as well, thinking my image’s been with you since before you met. You been keeping that video and see, now you’ll be keeping your Vevay precisely like so. c: 🧡
That with the chair, Sen was vexed for weeks after, the translation of which came to repeated grousing and wheedling favours seein as his back was sore n busted and how could I’ve brought such anguish on the future of a bright young man. As if there’s any chair in the world could keep the blagger down. 🙄 My worry was his mum’d be steamed to fuck with me, but not a soul ratted and my sense now’s Sen himself would’ve caught a haranguing for walking to the situation eyes filled with knowing.
See, point of the endeavour’d been settling up an argument, aye and filling time as well. Question came up whether I could, chair in my hands, knock him down or if he’d keep his feet.
Hadn’t counted on that chair unfolding. Or on my own strength, truth be told. Seems dish washing and hauling lumber’ll build a man’s arms some.
The incident won me a bottle of MD 20/20, grape iirc, and a half pack of smokes which I’ll point out, only in case the wise arse brings it up outside my hearing, I shared half that half with the man hisself. Seemed only right, what with Kev stealing the one half smoked.
Most of the 20 went lost to retching, but there’s a tale as old as time.
Set the chair on fire that night as well, and in that very alley. Walker, he that owned the pub those days, came out to warm his hands a minute and throw on an old bench or somesuch assemblage of old wood. Not so bad a night for anyone not goin by the name Senan.
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That’s a part of care, or it’s part of care as your Vevay gives it and feel it.
(Eh, and could you deny me that privilege? 🥺? It gives me a joy and rightness assuring you, and I’ll not be leaving my Talik with any ghost of what’s warying, not without endeavouring mitigation.🧡)
Won’t pretend I’ve the power to erase everything the direr sides of existing’ve taught you, or what culture’s spoke into you. Know a thing or two about that much myself, that’s truth, and I know it doesn’t go easy.
Know as well it goes easier with affirmation and with having
love at your sidea hand that’s always in your own, a voice reassuring all’s well, and there’s naught that’s wrong with you.And then you’ve done no small work beating it back. Written clear as day, isn’t it? With all you’ve said here with me, and with what you’re saying that very message above. Look at you, hey? Speaking what ain’t easy in the least. Getting toward saying you’d like care, selfish though you feel doing so.
Fuck me, but I’m proud of you all over again.
And here’s this fact for my Talik, there’s naught selfish in speaking of nor asking nor wanting care. As well, you ought to’ve been cared for all this time, and you’re well worthy of care, all right?
You’ll be bliss to care for. 🧡
And this, as well. Comes to character, there’s no person I’ve met with one stronger nor more admirable than your own. Never been a person whose character’s been desired more by myself. Aye, you’re a treat to look at, but it’s your heart and soul sets me swooning above all else. 🧡🧡
We’ll ease those anxieties and those fears bit by bit. Both of us together. Walking hand in hand and visiting crayfish. Waking beside each other. No minding how long it will or won’t take. You’ll find it’s easier and easier calling yourself all you are (a non biased but entirely correct assessment? all you are is wondrous, clear and true), and any matter gives you anxiety can be set aside for later (maybe a new shelf for it? we’ve got the shelf for names in future, so why not another, this for subjects to revisit?), any manner of later as revisiting’s no process for rushing.
You’ll have with you all this time, at your side and always. 🧡
Well and anyone gets in a fit and tries to ‘catch you’ or thinks they’ve got you caught, your Vevay’ll give em a swift fucking up.
No empty threat, that. You’ve seen what I can get up to with a chair. c:
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And Dodo's got my vote for ambassadorship. Friendly lass that she is, happens she'll bring even the snippiest lads to her side and show there's joy in life yet. Might even befriend a hare or two! Or fish if she's one for water, and aye, beck's a brook that's so.
I'd like showing you all that, Talik. The crayfish and my home. Can take you to the very alley in which that incident occurred, maybe take a pic and send it off to Sen.
Like to take you into Harrogate around a rehearsal, introduce you to everyone's heard your name and been remarking on the swoonings of one Nova Vayne.
Here, and if you'll not call me down from the sky, then do, my Talik, do ask a repeat or anything that'd help and I'll pull you up again beside me. I flourish in the sky, truth, but you see I'm best of all with my Talik beside me, and truth is you belong up above yourself, brilliant as you are.
[ ... ]
Last thing for now. Regarding that view from behind
My promise to you’s it’s even more stunning in person. c; c; c; 🍑
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One thing more about this matter: anything I do to beat back what I've learned, I do because I want better for my son. What if he's like you, what if he knows himself to be a girl?
This is my child; he (or any pronoun) shouldn't be afraid to tell me these things. I never want Sergiy to think I would reject him for anything he feels.
That fear is a [...] stain inside me. I call it this because - eh, like a stain on the floor. It prevents nothing, but you see it every day. You know some value is lost. I don't want to place such a stain on him.
[...]
I think of it now, and I'll tell you this, Vevay: you are a second reason to "beat back" this belief of myself. Just as I wouldn't want to teach it to Sergiy, I don't want it to interfere with anything I have with you.
I never want you to think I'm not proud of you because of shame for myself.
I can't promise you no struggle - but also, I can't promise myself there will be any struggle at all. I see your messages and everything else falls away.
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In this video, I mean to say.
[...] Binding is [...] wrapping your torso, correct?
No, I can't tell even now that I know.
You look like an attractive boy. Too young for me, but beginning to be handsome. It means something that I think this of you; it's how I feel to look at most men this age. Young, attractive, but much too young. Someday they'll be appealing.
I prefer to be with people nearer to my age. I'm uncomfortable with imbalanced power dynamics. Also, I have a child. I don't want to date with one.
[...]
Anyhow, I was right! You grew up into a handsome man - who hopefully hits no one else with chairs.
[...]
Kev is a soulless one, eh, taking a downed man's cigarette.
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I've seen a photo. I can imagine very well how it looks.
And feels.
[...]
[...]
But if you wanted to make a case to me now, I could say I don't believe you.
You could show m
It isn't your most attractive physical quality for me, but it's a close in second. Hips in third. c:
Your eyes are best, Vevay. Captivating, you know this, don't you? I see them in your picture and forget what I was thinking.
[...]
Right now, though, they aren't helping me. You spoke it, so it's in my mind that I'll see the 'view' in person, and that it will be stunning.
Perfect velvet.
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Like a bit of gray or/and more than a bit on a person, that’s not changed. Like the look of someone wears their age well. Guess what’s changed there is there’s no need looking much above myself to find those qualities, hey?
I’d say my sphere of interest’s not changed, that being attractions to anyone among the wide world of genders, pansexuality being where I found myself. But see thing is Talik there has been a change. Got myself a sure and focused interest formed. Got one person in my sights and in my dreamings, one person sets my aflame, and see this particular person’s a man, he’s Ukrainian, wears his age right fuckin well, and he’s got arms to die for, eyes speaking depths and warmth stops my own heart smitten.
I wonder who it is I’m speaking of hM 🤔
I wonder if he’ll get a hands on feel for the view himself in eleven day’s time 🤔
c;
Nah, the only wonder is the man himself, and how you knock me silly every turn around the bend. 🥹🧡
On which note. Talik! There you went knocking my knees out from under me again, that last message of yours, that last line, you’ll have your Vevay flat on the floor
moaning your name for want of youWere I a less mindful boyfriend, I might suggest to you some things that you might do to that velvet and how it’ll turn alight with your touch, or how that velvet’s waiting for its tender trampling.
Eh, well. Berlin’s not so far off, that right? I’ll get you once you’ve landed. Or while my Talik’s up in the air. Give you something to carry you on to that hotel. c;
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The rest you’ve said there though. How you think about Sergiy and building up support ahead of time, setting space for the person he’ll be whatever transpires. Opening your own self to all, just, ah fuck me, putting what you can in Sergiy’s favour, and in the favour of any child you’ll have.
Fucking knew already you’re and you’ll be the best of fathers. Heartens me knowing there’re men like you and love like yours.
Well, correction there, because as I’ve said there’s no man nor being like yourself. Christ but I admire you, and truth’s I’d do so even if I didn’t also hold all these other feelings, spoke and unspoke alike, for yourself.
You’re a good man, Vitaly. Won’t let anyone tell you different. We’ve all of us our flaws and fucks up, aye, but questions how a body carries on, what’s striven for. You show yourself unending ways, and your compassion, that responsibility of yours speaks through it all.
And your children, all of em, will know how true you love them.
I’d like you knowing that breadth and depth of love yourself. I’ve a good feeling you’ll have that knowing yet. Trust your Vevay on this one, hey? Got privileges to inside info. c: 🧡
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[ … ]
Helps that for all biology fucked me at the start, I lucked out a few ways aided in showing myself as the boy I was. Helped I had mates and their support, even if we did time to time knock each other flat. (Ey, there’s the other thing for keepin in mind about Sen! Might not’ve been with chairs, but there’s wasn’t one of us didn’t take some manner of belting. Comes from having chuff-all to do and hittin the substances harder’n not.) Didn’t change my being wary about one thing or another or that I’d get eyes on me casting doubts, but fuck’d any of them know.
Nothing like you know, is what. Aye, but who could’ve listened for Vevay like his Talik?
Who else is it I’d hear without an ounce of doubt?
Fuck, the change it’d’ve been knowing you then, if you could’ve been aroundThanks, Talik. From myself now, and myself back then as well. It’s a hell of a man balms old hurts whilst making all that’s present shine.
Well. Happens I’ve got a hell of a boyfriend. 🧡
And.
Happens you’ve got a right handsome one yourself. c;
Who can’t go making too many promises on the chair v no chair front. Here, fair’s fair, I won’t go knocking anyone with chairs if no fuck gives me reason.
Also, fair spotting to yourself re Kev, his claim was he sold his soul off sometime during primary school. Story goes he nicked it back since, though those of us know his recent doings’d dispute the claim. Bastard took himself to playing thrice fucked landlord over in Leeds, shite properties and all. I get needing to support oneself but fuck me there’re better ways.
Eh. Should’ve seen it coming when he snagged that cig from Senan. Fuckin wanker. :/
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I admit I do like how you're fussing over me, saying I'm a good man who makes you proud. It feels nice. It makes me want to achieve this quality - to meet your vision of me. But Vevay, it seems to me like the minimum of how a man should be, loving my son enough to wish him a better life than my own. Isn't this what all parents should want for their children?
Well, perhaps you'll say to me that not many put that want into practice. That might be true. But Vevay, perhaps people who don't want better for their children shouldn't have them.
I don't understand how someone could have a child and not want the best in the world for them.
[...]
This is no condemnation of my father, by the way. It was the culture, not my father. He's [...] disagreeable sometimes, but it's [...] like Senan. Without the complaints, of course. He prefers to sit and make the room cold.
Well, it's because he's a businessman. Keeping quiet and ignoring makes people nervous.
But he raised us without enclosure. Without rules to say what we had to be because our culture says so. It wasn't encouragement, but still, I think it was better than he knew as a child.
Maybe Sergiy will do better than I have, with his children - and so it will go.
[...]
Maybe Sergiy will have you to teach him joy and simplicity. [...] And optimism.
Too often, I'm a pessimist. Eh, a catastrophist sometimes.
God knows Madeline isn't optimistic, either.I'd like him to learn to see things positively.
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