darius scarlett (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
onefellswoop) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
kingdomsofrain2024-01-24 08:25 pm
onefellswoop) wrote in kingdomsofrain2024-01-24 08:25 pmtexts texts texts
this one is for texts!
onefellswoop) wrote in kingdomsofrain2024-01-24 08:25 pm
5/5
First point being, there’s no chance of necessity looking ugly on you, Talik. I’d wager there’s nothing enters your orbit and self that can keep a dispiriting appearance, hey?
Second and equal in import being I could live with you, that and more besides, and hold you in esteem all the while.
I could and will, given the glimmer of a chance.
Put it this way, Talik. Though I’ve no talent for bloodied hands, I’ve knowledge of what Scarface and the Shitheads get themselves up to. (Been offered a job or two myself, but eh, it’s true I’ve not much stomach for it, better placed with production and distribution. That’s where I can make a mark or two, and that’s where suppositions turn to sense.) Got no mind against a one of em and eh, take Senan for example. I’ve a good idea what the man gets up to, and it’s dinged not an ounce of my fondness for him.
Fact is, I admire a man stands by his principles.
I admire a man who’ll work them into being, one way or another. And it’s as you say, there’re times reason’s not enough, times kindness speaks a lost cause. Times there’s weighing to be done regarding crimes against a one versus crimes driven onto many.
Or. [ … ] Crimes driven onto children.
That alone opens the field for methods and means. That alone’s cause for seeking response whatever way the fucks’ll hear.
And of course and twenty times over, fuck the government with an outsized glass shafted dildo, and without a drop of lube.
You hear me well, Talik. On generosity, on methods preferred. And I hear you yourself, and hear as well that call of what’s sometimes got to be. There’s fucks on this earth call harm down on theirselves. There’s fucks won’t learn from any other angle.
Here, and what’s also for saying
I’ve belief my Talik can do all, what’s kindest as well as what’s needed where kindness trips itself. I believe as well there’s no act can change the tenor of my Talik’s heart, aye. There’s nothing could make you other than beautiful, nor other than beautiful in your Vevay’s eyes and knowing.
1
Here, this is an example just today. They're in an argument, Senan and Darius, because of this [...] brotherhood they have. Darius is hurt Senan doesn't care to tell everyone and also because he kept it to himself for so long - which, I can blame neither of them for these feelings. No one likes to feel so rejected, eh?
But also, no one likes Darius's family. No one likes the people around Darius who aren't us and Enri. They're all terrible people he inherited from terrible people. And also, Darius has been volatile because of the drugs.
A note, here: He's angry or hurt, maybe, I didn't tell him about Sergiy, either. I do feel badly for this, and I thought many times perhaps I could reach out to him, but -
I'll tell you, and this remains between us? I didn't want him around Sergiy. Not with his Pups, not with cocaine. I didn't want to have to tell him this and perhaps begin another fight. I love Darius like a brother, so I do as I would do with my brothers: I don't tell him until he's ready to be in my life, and Sergiy's.
I did much this with Maksym -
A story for another time.
For now, this, with Senan.
So, Senan makes a joke, Darius makes a joke, suddenly everyone's angry and I think maybe neither one was joking. Or Senan was being thoughtless? I don't know with either of them. They don't talk. Senan leaves [...] how is it.
In a huff.
I've actually only seen him angry so perhaps four times, so this must be something causing friction for a while.
Well. Do you see how I mean, Vevay? They're idiots.
You aren't. I feel this: you are smart. Maybe you aren't a genius, but I wouldn't leave my son in the care of a genius. Look at those two. They're dangerous to themselves and everyone else.
I would leave him with someone intelligent and sensible.
And fun, like a twink!
You can teach him how to have fun. He's growing very solemnDo you see, зірковий? You're perfect.
2
But you, Nova!
If you continue to speak of my boyfriend this way, I'll have to do something to stop you speaking.
Or using your hands to type.
[...]
Боже мій.
This is a thought I have to live with all day.
This, and velvet.
Why do you want to torture me, eh? Haven't I been very sweet to you? If I trample or anything else to you, it might only instigate you to do more of this to me.
Nova, please, коханий - let me survive two more days here. When I'm in Berlin, you can say anything you want to me.
[...]
And!
I'm suffering, which is very bad for Ukrainian morale, isn't that so?
It's true, I swear this to you. No blow for Ukrainians is a blow for Russia.
Do you want to help the Russians win?
1/2?
!!!!
Terror n horror and ah no!! Talik no!
Can’t be having that, not the least!
My Talik suffering, and myself here playing aid to Russia? Can’t be withstood! Cannot be permitted, not a moment longer!
Aye, from here to Berlin, this twink shall endeavour his very utmost to veer off from suggestives, with nary a mention of either velvet or trampling, nor even of how fevered I’d turn with my hands caught up in yours. It’s a weighty and a noble duty I’ve before me, and no easy keeping, but for my Talik and for Ukraine, I take this task and count myself honoured!
(Eh, well and if this one Ukrainian and I mean of course the very same who’s my boyfriend, if he can wait it out these two days and then beyond, he’ll be getting all the blowing he can handle, get you primed and ready and we’ll see what chance Russia’s got then, hey? c;)
Right, right right right that there was the last of it. Chaste thoughts now. Chaste Vevay now, taking up monastic living!
Aye… Until Berlin. 😄🧡
2/3
Heard their siblinghood just recently, myself. Or just recently heard it sober enough for comprehension. Sen’s said he mentioned the fact some years back, only I was off world at the time, you get my meaning and so I kept no knowing of it.
[ … ]
Makes a kind of sense, ey? Wouldn’t’ve put two and two together on my own devices, but it’s quite the ‘how the fuck’d I miss that’ looking backward.
The way Sen tells it and I’m inclined to believe, there being some matters Wilco hisself won’t jest over, Darius took the news well and better than. Strange thing, I’d call it, only I gather there’ve been changes wrought in our little lord n saviour, and the two of em were near enough like brothers themselves, anyrate. Guess as well it’d’ve been welcome having a brother who ain’t [ … ] eh, you know the shite.
Christ. Menace of a family, that’s sure. Can’t say I’ve blame for Sen in the least, keeping that secret close and held. And there’s what you said on Darius, him being a wreck waiting to happen every moment, least for a shite of a long while there.
[ … ]
Right so, Sen bein that kind of vexed and Sen leaving out from a conversation unfinished, that’s all a certain kind of telling. Might be not so surprising, this case.
Thing is it’s about the worst time to be jesting or half jesting around his parentage. His mum, Moira, aye? We’re coming up on the anniversary of her passing. [ … ] Never a breezy time for Senan to start with. It, eh. When it happened [ … ] her passing, it near destroyed him, and that grieving visits him still. There’ve been years he turned recluse for a week, straight disappeared.
…Poor sod can’t even drink it quiet this time round, what with his liver and all.
Point is it’d be a piss poor time for raising talk of the man abandoned Sen and Moira both. Worse still, like, for bringing her name among those rancid folks you spoke of, they that Darius inherited.
Moira deserved better than fking Darcy Scarlett or any other man brought to her door. Deserves better than her name run through the muck, and Sen deserves better than hearing that same catastrophe.
[ … ]
Suppose it bears saying I’ve no solid sense if it is or ain’t cause here. Christ knows the two of them have years of exploits for growing quarrels from, and the whole matter’s thorned.
Just, eh. It’s one element about the air.
3/3
Expanding on that, how're you doin in the midst of that shitshow, Talik? The two of them get to arguing, it can arse up the moods of all present, and nay I won't feign I'm not speakin from experience.
I've naught but respect for your keepin Sergiy quiet from Deimos, and Deimos far from Sergiy. Got to protect your son, aye, and once Darius gets going there's no chance protecting anyone.
Such was the case, anyrate. Can't speak for no, as I've no experience with this sobriety getting married new leaf state, save what I've glimpsed in the group chats.
What was it happened with Maksym? Eh if you're of a mind for saying. Don't know if that'd be an awkward thing for talking whilst you're around him and family and all.
1
[...]
In fairness, however, I did some of it to myself by thinking of stopping you from speaking badly of my Vevay.
You kneeling for me, your hands in one of mine, mouth too occupied to say such things.
[...]
Better still, sharing the act. Letting me do the same for you. Would you like this? It could keep both of us from talking.
[...]
I need practice. It's been nine or ten years.
But you'll let me practice on you, Vevay, isn't that so? It can be very devotional, like communion - your body on my tongue.
[...]
There. That's the last of it.
And I am going to have a moment in the shower. A long moment.
It should be warm by now.I'll respond to the rest after.
2
There.
It's amazing what a hot shower will do to clear the mind.
I can focus on the rest and - perhaps pretend I never said the things I did. [...] Vevay, you do this to me. You make me strange, starving, twisted every direction so that my mind feels inflamed. It's a fever, wanting you. I can think of nothing but touching what's still out of reach, and of holding my Nova, of velvet, of your eyes pleading and hands out and waiting.
A 'moment' helps quiet the fever, but doesn't drive it away.
At least I can think about something other than how much I long for you.
This matter with Senan, for example. I think you may be right and have found exactly the cause for his anger.
He never has cared for strong emotions. Negative ones, I mean to say. Obviously, he feels strong emotions about Rin.
I wonder if Darius knows this about Moira. I'll mention it.
Thank you, my clever Vevay.
[...]
Thank you for assisting me in the shower, also. I was and am very appreciative.
3
It isn't much of a story, though. He's young, he had some troubles in his teenage years and again when he reached majority. Drinking, partying, these things.
He was arrested twice for possession in New York, so I told him finally he couldn't be near Sergiy if he couldn't control himself. Sergiy adores my brother and I think Maksym knew this would break his heart. So, he tried to stop. It took a few years, but he has been sober for [...] two years? Maybe three.
He met Sunny after this and things have been good for him. They're trying to start a family.
[...]
Sunny is the one with the red hair from my video. American, from Seattle. I think you would like her. [...] She's cheerful, very happy always, and so people call her Sunny, which she says is also because there's no sun in Seattle, so it's ironic?
Eh. Her real name is Sonia, which is very nice, as well.
1/2
Forty five minutes you’re out and your Vevay’s thinking on you all that time and just how envious of your own hands, doing what mine’d like best 😔
Eh, nah, can’t begrudge my Talik a quality shower, in particular not after those days of freezing waters and the instigations of one eager twink c; Can’t even regret my own absence too very far, seeing as I was there for a helping hand if spirit if naught else 🥴🧡
Here and, look, here I’ve been thinking how I’d like that taste of you and how I’d bring you to the best of exaltations, then thinking as well the act made mutual, and you tromp in stirring things up all over again!
Apt to need that shower myself soon, no denying. Fuck of it is I’m back to basement wiring, rip rip rip to myself til this is over and done with, aye, and how shall I survive??
Got lots of ways for surviving, happens. Got lots of thoughts to keep me occupied, and if some of em are to be further compromising, aye so be it. It’s like you said, not so much clear evidence of my trouble unless I make it so, aye? c;
Here and ey! Nothing’s to say a gentleman can’t also show off evidence to his boyfriend! Some might say it’d be real generous of him
Presuming I’m catching your meaning right, here’s me going ahead with saying I’ve naught but mirth over dick pics unsolicited and sudden, but for dick pics sent by someone has my interest and my conversation both? That right there’s a different story, catch me? c;
Not pushing, for sake of clarity! Only there’s no shying from my end, and likesaid, I’d think yourself no less a gentleman, were such a day and pic to show up.
Fair to say also, there’s naught could make you less a gentleman, far’s I’m concerned. Only kind of gentleman I care for’s one with a range of expressions, ey? Kind and devastating in said kindness aye and in his empathies, right bold and bit of a dork, knock out with full on explicit n illicit poetry, down to fuck up what plagues the world’s inhabitants and down to fuck his Vevay stupid. c;
Man of contrasts, you! And here I am, living on and reveling over every one. Got me star eyed, Talik, eh and that’s something, isn’t it? Adding stars to him who’s astral already 🧡🧡
Also I’m acknowledging I said I’d hush it on the salacious talk, but fair’s fair and you went telling me about that shower, what’s a Vevay meant to do hey? 🥺
Keep seeing my hands and thinking how much better off they’d be pinned secure and sound within your own. >:3
2/2
Maksym first, because it needs saying that’s fuckin solid work on his end, ey, cheers to the lad! Hard shite getting clean, and got to image that goes double at the age most’re hitting the stuff with a vengeance.
Cheers to you as well, and here I mean more like utmost respect and myself pointing out again what a commendable father you are, setting out bounds around Sergiy and keeping em even among those closest to you. That’s no small thing and no small feat, and your boy’s lucky indeed to have you for his father, and to have love of your family, besides. Christ but you’ve done all’s possible for keeping kindness keeping fondness in his life, making sure he knows he’s loved.
Say again, it’s no small thing, not in the least.
Sunny and Sonia are top level names both. Like to meet her, aye. Like to meet all of yours, and every time you speak of em and every time I give that video a fresh watch, that resolve goes deeper.
Aye and every time I watch that vid, my longing to share space with you’d spiked, turns a catching in my throat and a hitch within this chest. Figure you can guess as much. Figure it’s worth saying, regardless.
[ … ]
Speaking with Sen about you now. We’ve been talking you and talking Rin and what’s on in NYC and talking Moira, and bless the the noodle of a man for hearing me out. Got worlds to say on the subject of you. [ … ] Turned myself to, eh, teared up eyes over again, but this time it’s less the maudlin and more the wonder of you, Talik.
…Question for you while I’m thinking it. Might be something I ought to’ve sussed already but eh. Talking with Sen or talkin with anyone knows you well. Is it ‘Vitaly’ I’m going with, or is ‘Talik’ permissible? No arguments from myself either way, only I’d like knowing for sure and aye, if it’s a name I can use outside you and I, I’m inclined toward it.
Well and either way I’m saying it here and I’m saying it now
My Talik. 🧡🧡
About Moira, Darius oughtta know and ought to have known, but I’ll allow there were those recent years with Sen being away and then by all accounting this past year’s been a whirlwind for all them in New York, so maybe there’s some cause for blanking on it. Ain’t a fuckin excuse, nay, but shite happens sometimes this way.
[ … ]
Your mentioning the fact. That strikes me as a good, aye. Someone ought to clue the shithead in before Rin comes to skin him living.
Granted they might do as much anyway, dependent on how Sen’s [ … ] managing. But shithead that he is, my money’d be on Scarface forgetting over Scarface bein an arse about this particular matter.
How’d you come to know the lot of them, by the by? Myself, it happened through Sen and Lolly, ey up Yorkshire lads etc. Seems you’ve as much a history with em as myself, so I’ll confess to curiosity on the how of it.
1/2
Well. The first.
Thinking about your hands - and of water rushing along your body, dampening the vines, and how tattoos darken when wet - made it so once wasn't enough. How I would love to see you in water.
[...]
That's another thing you can talk with me about in two days, when I'm alone. Water against your skin; what is the word -
Rivulets along your shoulder, down your back. [...] Wine also, to catch with my tongue.
Would you let me do this to you, as well? I'd like to see a drop roll along your skin. Your thigh, maybe. Your throat.
Other places.
[...]
I asked you to stop torturing me. I never said I would stop giving you thoughts to keep you warm.
Ah, but only if you don't mind. If it's wanted. If I know it pleases you, then I can ignore the cringing within myself. You respond so eagerly it makes me surprised; you must know that isn't a familiar experience for me.
[...]
You mentioned my poetry. I don't like speaking of sex [...] or anything intimate with focus on the bare act, or on the components. What I would do with my cock and how - ah, it's well for joking, but it signifies something about the way a man thinks of himself, doesn't it? And about how he thinks of his lover.
He inhabits his "manhood", and his partner is only for receiving what he gives.
It doesn't make me uncomfortable in the same way, to speak of it. Perhaps because it's so base, or disconnected.
The connection thrills me. Knowing what you like, and that we share so many pleasures, thrills me. Speaking to you of all the things in between, around the what and how and cocks is where I find myself shaken.
Light and shadow on your body, which must be unclothed, must be arranged to allow the light. For a drop of wine to roll down any part of you, you must position yourself. Bend your knee. Arc your throat.
For me to taste you as you take me in your own mouth, you must kneel over me.
Do you see?
You participate. You enjoy, you welcome. Hopefully, you burn under my hands as I would under yours.
Sex - fucking quiets the inferno built by all of this; it sates. (Unless the fucking becomes a key component. Even then, Vevay, where is my attention, eh? Your cock or where your legs and hands might be? How your body works against mine.)
It still makes me uneasy. If it's spoken, it's gone in the next moment. Here, the evidence remains of possible missteps, which so far haven't been missteps.
The intensity of it startles me, I think. To my own mind, it seems explicit to an extreme, such that I'm left wondering that you aren't disgusted with me.
I've felt the disgust of others.
I've felt my own for others when their words were the what and how of their "throbbing" anythings.
[...]
Forgive me this [...] wondering. Supposition? Would you tell me if I'm right or wrong?
I wonder if your cock isn't central to your sense of desire as it is with some other men. If you feel it deeper, tidal, as I do. Maybe having some control of physical expressions of desire makes it easier to pay attention to the depth.
I'll admit, there is a point when even I am blinded and made base by physical need. Less so now with age
although if anyone can provoke me to saying unspeakable things, I think it would be youWell, whatever the reason, I'm glad for it. I'm glad you enjoy more than just the core act.
I'm very glad you like my words. I think?
2/2
They know the rules about my name. They know a name like 'Talik' is intimate in ways they aren't with me.
Senan has 'Tally' for me, which [...] I don't begrudge, but which I don't prefer, either. Will he stop? No. Darius has called me Vitya [...] before. I hope he does again. I feel that every time we fight and come together again, the names reset between us all. I dislike this.
[...]
I wish the story was more interesting about my meeting with them, but it's very dull. I met Darius at Harvard. I interned with him and we became friends.
He was much less volatile back then. Or, he was much as he is right now, with Enri.
I suppose I was kept away from you. "For reasons", Senan says.
They were bad reasons. I don't care what they were. Sergiy could just as well have come from a relationship with you, whether [...] biologically or surrogacy or anything at all
Fuck, I shouldn't say such things to or about you
Even if they're true, I
[...]
Nova, were you happy? All those years before, in the time between when we might have, perhaps should have met and now, have you had happiness?
You were happy with Roza, yes?
Please, tell me that's so.
Then I wouldn't mind it so much. All the years [...] I might have known you. How absurd it is that we didn't meet.
For myself, I was happy - some of the time. Not as I am when I speak to you, no, and not as I am when I think of the life ahead, the one with a family. Sergiy and my Vevay, hopefully two more! Nicky and Liza, so that everything is righted. This is happiness unlike any I've known.
But I've had normal, everyday happiness.
1/3
[ … ]
Asking as questions of this sort, those on happiness, don’t come out from nowhere.
Won’t say you’ve no right to melancholy. Your Vevay’d like to ease it as it comes, if it’s come, but I ken it’s got its place, or else there’re times there’s no sense tearing it away without the time to process, as it’ll come gnashing back stronger yet.
Still and all. Your Vevay’s here, and I’ll be here always, all right? Here and closer still. Those eleven days’ll spell themselves out, and then we’ll banish all this distance, speaking spatial. 🧡
Aye here and for answering, I’ve had happiness, that’s so, and it’s rarely far off. Been fortunate my own ways, and then I make a habit of looking for that brightness daily, drawing what I can even if from traces, chances, aye? There’re times it takes effort for finding and I won’t say there aren’t times it’s more absent than not, but [ … ] I’ve learned where to look, what to focus in on.
That’s no speaking any fault on any who’re reft from happiness, or who don’t go, eh, looking the way I’ve described. It ain’t for everyone, won’t work for everyone. Nor’s it a cure all for clouds closing in and won’t heal the world or save the self alone.
Works for me all right enough, is what I mean. And what I mean as well is your Vevay’s not been distant from some manner of happiness, so aye, know that, my Talik. 🧡
[ … ]
[ … ]
There’s this for saying.
I’mFuck of it gets meAbsurd’s a way for putting it, and a true one at that. That we’ve been so near and circles and never before met.Won’t say it doesn’t fuck me off, thinking how you and I might’ve met years before and thinking what might’ve been [ … ] aye avoided, staved off, were it not for interventions, or else silences kept ill advised.
Fucking Lolly.
Fucking Sen, Rin, Darius all. Something to be said for loyalty I won’t argue that, but one of em might’ve opened their fuckin mouth just once.
Been trying not to dwell on that one, past having passed and gone beyond reworking. But the thought’s there and the anger, that too.
Hard to keep vexed for long when I’m speaking with you and have you now and all my thoughts go weak kneed and joyful, and it’s truth I’ve never been much for sustaining anger with those that aren’t thrice fucked. But jesus shite, can’t say I don’t wish one’ve would’ve spoke the fuck up.
Might be if nothing else, you’d’ve been spared the devastation she’s been
But then there’s Sergiy and his is an existence matters and
[ … ]
I’ve no regrets regarding life with Roza and the kids, course not. Regret’s in what came after, the kids and herself caught in crossfire of what [ … ] the family that was and wasn’t never mine brought bearing down.
There’s some shits only give a fuck for their own selves, and not a mind for ruins they bring about.
Fuck them, anyrate.
I was happy with her and the kids, and far as I understand, she felt the same. Nicky and Liza, they were happy, and that’s cause for joy itself, aye? So we had a life together she and I, built it all the moments we had and nay it wasn’t love among the stars or sky crossed romance, but ordinary happiness itself’s no small thing.
Also isn’t comparable to what I feel with you, or know at a single word of yours, single thought upon yourself. Isn’t comparable the least to how I feel speaking your name, calling you Talik.
There’s pride in that, for you and for myself, that you’ll let me speak it, welcome myself to knowing you this way. And there’s starshine struck across my being, every time I think it, write it, see it writ.
Going to upend me in its speaking, I’m certain on that. A beautiful upending, and a happiness to put all past sorrows into silence.
There’s nothing stands against the speaking of your name, my Talik.
There’s nothing sings as bright as you yourself. 🧡 And fact is that for all I've held happiness through most my living, I’ve been happier speaking with you, sharing in these texts with you, than I can count in years past thinking.
2/3
Beautiful you are, beautiful your speaking and your wholeness. A man could go a lifetime seeking after that intensity you speak and feel. Longing for it, and knowing its lack like a hole at his heart.
I’ve gone that lifetime, looking, wishing. And much’s I’d wish to’ve met you sooner, truth is as well you’re worth the waiting.
Anyone meets you with disgust’s twisted on their own end. That’s no fault of yours, Talik. That’s nothing rotten in yourself.
[ … ]
[ … ]
Thinking it’s not so much a guess to suggest a voice of that disgust’s come from the one who should’ve welcomed you best. Took your hand and heart and gave naught in kind.
I’ve met disgust myself, comes of searching widely, comes of folks express themselves most oft as shits. It’s tosh no matter the source. Sours worse by far when it comes from those loved and trusted, turns to a rancid mindfuck. It’s a dire wrong given, and it’s a dire wrong been launched on you.
I’d hazard to guess as well that woman spoke outside of feeling, or else attached the vitriol of her own heart to words that never wronged her. What I mean’s that whatever disgust she spoke or pointed accusation at was more tool than truth, and calling disgust down on adorations earnestly expressed, physical or otherwise, amounts to words built for wounding, aye, built for sowing doubt. For leading a man to doubt hisself and his intentions.
I don’t fucking like her, and that’s saying the least of it[ … ]
Vitaly. You aren’t what she’s said.
Aren’t what any’ve said that failed to meet you as you are or take you honest.
Bears saying as well it’s a waste and a shame, your words being made to shy from writing. Yourself not certain in their place or rightness. There words of yours are as you yourself are, meant to keep and meant for cherishing. For meeting, reading over and again, and knowing splendour in the beauty they bring.
[ … ]
Letting this much keep to a message of its own. Better keep the rest apart.
3/3
Melts me and incites me, both at once, and that’s no small achieving. No small gift to your Vevay. c;
And there you are speaking sense on top of all. Far as I’ve seen, you’re dead on about those pinning all that’s desire on their cock. It’s addle headed to the utmost, seeing as a dick can be beautiful for beholding sure and for feeling, but it ain’t the be all end all, and those calling it so bring tedium to frigging and naught in way of romance. Does the job for a quick fuck or it can do, but that spells the start and shut of it.
Aye and look clearly, speaking clearly I’ve naught against dicks and am fond of my own, might say and would say needed this my own. Don’t change the fact it’s one piece of the whole in sex, same way any genitalia’s one piece of it and sometimes needn’t play much in at all. Seems to me a core requirement’s that you spoke of, participation and enjoyment. Where’s the point in getting down with others when a man’s got no minding of collaboration? Figure a sort like that’s better off beating it alone or eh, there’s toys for that purpose.
Then and for myself, if there’s never aught of the romantic to it, my engagement goes minimal right swift. (That, speaking generally. There’re times sheer need and physical wanting’ll have its play. No shame to those sharp longings, and no shame letting em soar in sex. Only key is all parties involved bein for it, as you yourself’ve said.)
Romantic meaning, here I mean what’s found in feeling of emotional kinds. What’s grown out from the heart and dreaming, that as well. Eh it’s also or it’s better termed awareness, maybe, a sort of listening with ears and thought tuned toward those tidal forces. Tuned for seeking and seeking expression of what’s nothing can be contained in body or in breath alone.
Point being, Talik, I feel it all run deep. Point being as well it’s that depth and what it draws out that I want.
And my thinking is we can bring that out for one another. Seek it out and chase it always further. The way you speak, the way you feel to me, the warmth in all your heart and fire in yourself, aye, I’m certain of it.
Certain of it, of you, of us alike.
1/2
Nothing's wrong, my Vevay. I promise. I can't be unwell with you in my future, do you see?
The problem is, I think of all the years gone by and how I might have known you long before any of the unhappy things. Those I knew, those that you endured. How I'd have liked -
Well, this isn't to say we would have been happy always. Of course, life is full of sorrow and it's impossible to avoid it entirely.
But I mean to say, if I'd known you, I could have been with you. I might have been there to hold your hand through difficulty. Eh, like this [...] [...] what is it. When you made yourself physically male.
Transition. Correct?
Transitioned. When you began this, or during it, I would have liked to be beside you. I know it isn't an easy process, and though you haven't said so much about that time, I think it's possible you were treated badly by those who should have loved you.
I would have liked to love you then as I loAnd you said you only finished with your shoe pump a year ago, isn't that so? Who was there to care for you while you were recovering all these stages? Friends, all right, but [...] maybe it would have been nice if a boyfriend also had been there, steady and constant.
Or a husband, eh?
It makes me angry, it's true. Something was taken from us that was much more than romance; all the things I wish I could have done for you, those were taken away.
But I can't undo this. Instead, I can be glad you were happy. I can be glad you look for happiness.
You see how I mean?
[...]
There was something more I began to say, but I'm worried it would be inappropriate or [...] phobic? Phobic, maybe. But that word seems wrong. A moment, please? Let me find the word for what I mean.
2/2
I don't mean it this way. It's nothing to do with you or that you're a man. You are a man, my Nova, and always have been.
But I thought [...] and think. If I had known you so many years ago, maybe you would have been Sergiy's father. I don't know if this is even a possibility for someone who transitioned, to be a biological parent.
Eh, even if it had been you and me and a woman to [...] [...] donation. No, no - donate. A surrogate.
You could have been his father with me.
[...]
His life would have been so much better with you for a father, Nova. He would have been happier than he is.
...This is something I shouldn't say to you. Well, none of it is. But this, as well: he's unhappy. It breaks my heart to hear him speak as he does.
[...]
She never wanted children, you see.He isn't permitted to call her anything but Mother and Madeline. He sees her only sometimes; a woman I hired cares for him.
This seems cruel to me.
[...]
It seems cruel to me that you love him more than his own mother, and that once, there was even the smallest chance he could have been your son, instead.
[...]
I suppose while I'm saying unspeakable things, I'll say also that I married her and thought I felt love. I could have known you and [...] well. Now I have something to compare with my feelings for her.
We would have been happy. I feel this in the marrow of my bones, Nova. There was no reason for keeping me from knowing you that could justify any of the unhappiness that you, or I, or Sergiy have lived.
[...]
But we have 'husband' on a shelf, isn't that so? We'll put 'Sergiy's Da' beside it, in case he loves you. (I believe he will. He takes after me.)
(I didn't say the words! This, it doesn't count.)
[...]
Please don't think poorly of me for saying such things. Above all else, I mean to say that I believe in the rightness of you for myself - and for him.
1/2
Nothing I think or could think poorly of you for, not in the least. All you say's an increase in my estimation. Trust that for me, Talik, best you can.
My meaning’s I’ve no fear in you, Talik. My meaning’s you’ve naught to fear in speaking, nor hazard of my mistaking. There’s no one sees me clearer than you’ve done, and no one seeks me keener than yourself. No one sees the world with feeling sights so near my own.
Talik. I call it nothing short of cause for pride, that you’d think on what might have been, myself beside you from the start with Sergiy. However his conception, to think he might have been ours from first breath, and that he might have had us then [ … ]
I’d have liked that.
I’d have loved him, that’s so. As I do, and as I will. With or without that name upon the shelf, hoped for just as ardent as the name it sits beside.
[ … ]
Saying I’m sorry can’t begin covering my meaning.
Your boy’s been, aye as you yourself’ve been, dealt a rank and rotten hand.
That’s nothing of your doing, Talik. It’s naught but what’s in her hands, who snared him from your holding, who keeps him from you and you from him for what, sake of fucking spite?
[ … ]
I’d ask what manner of person does that shite, but then I know the answer, as I know the sort most apt’s to do it’s the sort best versed at keeping motives quiet. Keeping themselves hid, until that trap’s been sprung.
Rancid trick of fate, that you should have been drawn with her, that she’s had it in her power and position to keep your son withheld.
Rancid, her, and cruel as well, with no business playing at his mother when there’s little care she bears him. Fucking egregious, is what it is. Behaviour unfit for any soul.
It’ll be changed for Sergiy, and he’ll have better. Naught but brightness ahead for Sergiy. Nothing saves what’s sustaining and supportive, and he’ll have happiness again, have joy the likes he always ought to’ve had, and would have had, with you.
With you, or with us both.
[ … ]
I can be a father with you still, my Talik. Names for future paths and possibilities, but that hope’ll be here in my heart.
And regardless of all else, he’ll be with you again sooner than not. All facts turn in that direction, hey? And you’ve plenty on your side and Sergiy’s. Myself, of course, and then Darius, his lawyers, guessing as well Sen and every other shithead, and we’re naught if not resourceful.
It’ll be done, Talik. It’ll be well.
2/2
[ … ]
Ah, fuck me.
I’d’ve liked you there all along.
Liked you there, thrived upon your presence. All would’ve been easier, all sorrows turned more toward enduring. And my expectation is and feeling is all hurts would’ve been better, swifter mended, and had more balance by far against their pains. Aye, and how validated’d I have found myself, how sure would I’ve seen myself in your eyes and your voice?
Would’ve been a different world, that’s so.
[ … ]
That transitioning. My transitioning. Part of the trouble speaking it’s that it’s tangled, runs decades back. I’d like to [ … ] speak it with you. Just there’s times I don’t know where to start from, and then for all the roughness through it, I’ve come through all right, and kept myself the whole way through.
What you said, that about being treated badly, I’d not suggest the case were otherwise. Best way to call those first years’d be fraught, speaking the least. Happens that way most often, seems, and fact is I’m luckier than many.
Granted that ain’t saying much. Granted the truth’s it’s fucked, how little support’s there and how many around’re quick for jumping to frenzy, my meaning being frenzy in negating. Frenzy in keeping image as they like it, suits them, don’t muck up their picture of what life should be, which I don’t need to tell you’s a fucked proposition from the go.
[ … ]
The parents I was born to and the brother that was, guessing you’ve gathered they were none of em receptive. Reason I turned up in Burn Bridge, aye. Reason I’d’ve gone off anywhere and count myself lucky for that aunt, shambolic though she herself was.
What I mean’s transition kicked off early, young, myself knowing I’d no match for what they called me. Lucky in itself some ways, to know so sure and young, and I’d not trade the knowing, whatever it brought with.
Lucky also, finding eh, allegiances and friends throughout the way. Burn Bridge came a blessing in that, between the twins and Lolly, Sen, their mums. Those affording employ in spite of my whatever they’d term it, oddities, eh. Had places to live, mostly, and that’s nothing small. All this before any surgeries could be pursued or start seeming in my reach at all.
[ … ]
Here. I know your meaning, that on what’s past alteration or undoing. Truth’s we’ve a choice in looking to what bolsters, what’s sustained and shaped itself as happiness, goodness, parts and moments not sunk down in sorrows.
Truth’s also I’d have valued you, liked you there and all along.
Here’s truth as well though, aye. That you’re speaking all of this at all, talk of how you’d’ve been there. How recovery might’ve been with my boyfriend, my husband, who knows me better than any.
That you’d’ve been beside me through it. That you’d think to say it, and that I know you’d’ve been strong as your word.
That you’d think and entertain this could have been scenario, just as you’d think and wish for Sergiy to have been ours.
It’s nothing surprising, aye not really, not when all aligns with your heart and spirit, that kindness in you and your scope of vision. Still and all it flattens me, knocks me dazed and warms me through.
[ … ]
See what I mean, Talik? There’s luck I’ve got on my side. And no luck surer than what brought me here with you.
1/2
Does it feel to you, also, that no matter where you try to start, you think of something that came before, or something later that was more important?
[...]
We have our lives ahead to piece together these fragments, Vevay. You'll speak to me when you're ready, no matter whether you start from the beginning or the end, and I'll hear you. I'll ask questions if I need to help me understand everything.
This, however, is a plaguing thought: I have you now, when I haven't been there in your times of need.
Eh, I know. You don't have to say anything. It isn't a thought that has any place or rightness. Still, it exists, a sorrow inside of me that maybe you needed and I could have answered. Perhaps it's something to keep so that there's never a moment in the future when you reach out and find no hand to take yours.
I'll care for you. You'll let me do this, won't you? And if you want to care for me, I'll let you, also.
I'd like this.
To be cared for
Selfish thing to
Well, it doesn't matter.
2/2
Here, tell me about Burn Bridge. I haven't been there; I met Senan and Rin in Germany. All he ever said to me about it is, "If you can find it on a map, I'll tell you whatever you want to know."
Well, this is paraphrasing. I don't want to be rude, but he was very drunk and you know, my English was much worse then. I still have some difficulty with his accent. And yours, unfortunately. I like it, I do! But it's [...] much like a video game. Do you understand?
A class for beginning English is Easy. Everyday conversation is Normal. Academic is Hard. Yours is hard mode. I can play this, but sometimes I'll die and have to repeat some things. Challenging and fun.
Drunken Senan is Nightmare.
He had forgotten he said that to me and thought I was "taking the piss" when I told him I'd found it on a map.
So, please, tell me about your home?
1/2
Couple of wishes bounds in one. Knowing your care, that’s a piece of it and no small part. Waking with the knowledge of yourself imminent, of my Talik with me always. (Happens I know some measuring of this already, the way I wake with your image set upon my mind, your words the first things meet my eyes as I pull up out of sleep. The way I know you in my trusting, and the constant in my universe looks precisely like yourself.
My boyfriend!)
The other part of my wish is in caring for you. I want it, aye, and more besides, it’s what I’d ask the privilege of giving. What I’d like to be for my Talik.
My thinking is, eh partly is, you’re sore overdue for care yourself. And even were it not so, fact remains you’d be hard set to slip your Vevay’s care, as fact remains as well it’s in my heart to care for you, hey?
I’ll be near for you myself, my hand at ready for yours when it ain’t busy seeking your own, no need for either of us grappling longer alone.
Ey and it might be, might just be I’ve been over here already vowing to keep you warm and guarded. Little as I look the defensive force (aye, nothing like the powerhouse my Talik is c;), your Vevay’s got a stubborn streak and a will to fight where those I love come concerned.
As I figure it, what’s love without caring and caring for, hey?
There’s plenty else I wish beside, I’d guess that goes without saying. Such as hearing all you’ve got for speaking to me, and giving all I’ve got for you. Such as easing off the past from your knowing (Sergiy’s too, if it’s ever in my right to do) so there’s little left to haunt you. Such as pushing up against you in the night, and fair warning’s I’m given both to sprawling and to clinging, can’t break that habit nor can I say I’d try. c;
Here’s one further thing, Talik, and it’s I need you now, much as I ever could and would’ve done before. That’s crucial, aye, that’s salvation in its own. and I’ll not have you overlooking it. c: 🧡
2/2
Beauty of it is, fucks with those brashing in posh and proper like they’ve a right to saying what is and ain’t language. Argue this our dialect’s English sings just as right as theirs and watch em turn red in the face. Sen hisself had a talent running rings around the manky knobs.
Saying it ain’t less right’s not to say it’s the same sphere of comprehensible, or it ain’t so without eh prolonged exposure. Which you’ll find yourself having in time Talik, no doubt there. c; Eh and meanwhile. Won’t say I’m any more comprehensible past sobriety than Senan ever was, nor in daily convo, but
Ey but here’s a cheat code for you, Talik. Times I get obscure, all you’ve to do is give my elbow a tug and tell me ‘Vevay, Vevay, slow down’ or ‘Vevay, back to earth,’ and then back to earth and comprehensible (ish) speech I’ll go, seeing as that’s where my Talik is and where I wish being.
Right, and here I’ll tell you something of Burn Bridge, eh not that there’s so much for telling, and you tell me something of your family, aye? What it’s been like growing among em, what it’s been like keeping whatever contact with em, seems the lots of you’ve got closeness and that’s something I admire, aye.
Likesaid, truth about Burn Bridge’s there ain’t much to it. Half the time it ain’t marked out proper, which I’m guessing you yourself saw, seeking it out. Bright spot of that’s gets it to feeling a bit of an inside secret among the locals, or else the locals who’ve been there long enough for taking root. There’s a contingent of us’ve been there years now, aye and more than a handful’ve called it there’s decades more than myself.
Outside that cluster of us, town’s getting to be a place between places, eh, liminal space, like? Those that come here’re looking for a landing spot more’n anything, somewhere for sleeping between commutes. Well and. Part it’s the fact of what space the country’s got and hasn’t got, and most passing through’d not distinguish Burn Bridge from Pannal, and no fault to em. There’s little kept within the town itself for doing, so a body seeking entertainment’s like to head over to the aforementioned Pannal or up to Harrogate, assuming they’ve sounder transport than the fuckall we’ve got for public transit.
Most of what we’ve gots homes and then a couple of pubs, one of em known, one of em less so. The second ain’t pretty, but it’s quieter and more alive, both, making it my choice most often if I’m keeping near to home. Know the publicans by this point, know the usual crowd and how to work their navigating, what’ll please em or else set em off.
Eh and out back of that pub, there’s the alleyway we used to get fucked up and break shite, for lack of more delicate terms. Tried racing rats a few times but then the rodent’s weren’t keen for complying and we took to placing bets of bolt races instead. Eh and the owner at the time’d give a few quid for raising ruckus if tourists came round. Kept them away and the pub as the man liked it, hey?
The people ain’t so rotten, most of em. Got something of Britain’s usual suspects in the way of arse mindedness and as is bound to be, but there’ve been enough of us opposing the old horse shite standard to sway minds a bit toward the eh progressive, ish. And then there was Moira seeing to us years back, making clear there’d be no tolerating damage done to we of the less mill standard youth.
Fact is most days I’ve no mind against the eh minimalism in accommodations. Tradeoff here’s closer presence of fields and scant forests, even got bluebells when the time’s right. [ … ] Like to show you em sometime, Talik. Can stretch out there an hour and more on a good day, not a body interrupting and just the sounds of sheeps nearby.
Here, ey, small storytelling for you. There’s the beck nearby, full of crayfish and there were an old fish tank of my aunt’s, she’d not had a guppy in ages so I fettled up the thing and kitted it with rocks and plants, the like, picked up a handful of crayfish and had em several months. Work all right til I got the bright notion inviting the girls, eh, Nelli and Pippa to add a couple of their own. Surprising no one knows em now, they spent spare moments coaxing the things to mating, up to and including staging a crayfish centric version of The Bachelor.
Ended up setting em free some point, myself sneaking out with a sack middle of the night, just to give the fellas a break.
Eh well and one of em’d got to pinching, and I’d got sick to death bandaging my fingers.
1
[...]
Is this you with Senan? The one who almost kill him?
[ It's a digitized version of a very, very old recording: a group of young men in an alleyway, striking each other with a folding chair. Near the end of the video, the individual Vitaly is asking about brings the chair down on a shirtless Sen's back, but it unfolds mid-swing. The legs hit him directly on the spine; Sen staggers and falls.
Someone bends down and takes his cigarette from him, then meanders off-screen, smoking it. ]
It's you!!!
I've seen you before, then!
Look, there's my Vevay, fucked up and breaking 'shite'. 💙
[...]
You'll ask this, I think: I have many of these. Senan asked me to make them digital for him, and, eh, I kept some. Blackmail.
Eh, at least you kissed him before he almost died. Lucky Senan.
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