darius scarlett (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
onefellswoop) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
kingdomsofrain2024-01-24 08:25 pm
onefellswoop) wrote in kingdomsofrain2024-01-24 08:25 pmtexts texts texts
this one is for texts!
onefellswoop) wrote in kingdomsofrain2024-01-24 08:25 pm
3/3
[ … ]
At risk of spillin overmuch in too small a time, or it’s true there’s no risk in it, not with you, I’m thinking.
[ … ]
Lived around Harrogate most my life, aye? Those early years took shapes nearer Essex, and there’ve been here and there months itinerant abroad, but those’ve been more rare than common, and my meaning’s I’ve made my life here and made my self known here. Won’t say there’ve not been troubles and won’t say it wasn’t a handful of scrapping early on, but I’ve got the troubling in hand years since, and for the main, folks around here’ve no quarrel with me.
Me being a man given to romantic relations regardless of gender, and me being a man who’s not always been called as such, and makes no secret of the facts.
[ … ]
Put it more direct, I’m a man, given, and I’m a man who’s trans, given as well. Small as this village is and its environs are, most folks here know as much and’ve come to accept its knowing. My knowing, aye. Means the road’s been not so rocky these last years, less immediate objecting to myself, more seeing me for the man I mean to be and am, have always been.
Not sure how I’ll translate elsewhere, is part my meaning and part my eh wariness. It’s nothing I ain’t equal to. Nothing not to be worked out or figured through, and I’ve no qualms about my capacity for this figuring. I’ve habits, might say strong developed talents of keeping up a front for those come bearing teeth to tear.
Just might need encouragement at times. Holding, aye, and reminding myself I ain’t so wrongheaded. Say it again, there’s knowing logically and there’s knowing in belief, and takes some time and working to unite. Meaning as well I know what I am and know the right in being it, the good in stating and showing it clear. Just sometimes crawl up into my head about myself and get a little tangled, aye.
You untangle me. Here and now you do, and have, and so I trust you will. Only [ … ] so you know, it’s not something entirely behind me.
Aye and related to which, can’t say I know how it’ll complicate your own affairs. I’d venture saying any media vultures given to harping on about the virtues of the het life might also take a dip to stances on the place of being trans, and taking partners with a man who’s trans.
Which I’d guess you’ve thought already. Bright man and thoughtful, that you are. You’d call none of this an obstacle, that much I believe and know with surety, only I’d feel [ … ] ill met, to reach for you without putting it clear, or clear as I can state it.
The rest of the malaise related’s got to do with experience spoke generally, about travel and traversing with those beyond one’s immediate countryfolk. Has as well to do with eh familiarity with money and its language or else its methods, which I’ll say and you’ve likely guessed, I’ve little enough to my counting. There’s plenty experience I’ve not had much brush with. Plenty I’ve yet to learn, and I’m not the least opposed to learning, but there’s knowledges and etiquettes I lack.
Also to say, there’s a lot of ways I might be reckoned less than, might be sighted as a target. None that I’d think in your holding, but your knowing the nonsense won’t stop others honing in.
[ … ]
That’s part of what I mean, aye. [ … ] And there’s the kids as well, and what I’ve failed in doing.
Figure that’s enough gloom or and doom for the moment being. None of what I’ve said here’s, eh [ … ] much I take to speaking regular. But fact remains I’d rather you know, have the heads up.
Be able to measure for yourself whether your Vevay’s worth theFact remains as well it’s true you soothe me, true you reach me where and ways no other’s near approached.
There’s no better ease for my heart than your words or your self.
And no better place, I’ll dare and I’ll say, for your words, for your self than my heart.
1/2
I understand. In a small way, I empathize with it. There's comfort in the familiar, and we may be tied to place by this comfort as well as felt obligations. Meanwhile, there are places that loom ominously before us, full of uncertainties and certainties alike. Rejection and violence, possible misery.
It's nothing you should have to endure.
[...]
I should speak more plainly. I mean Ukraine.
I showed you what the media has said about me because I want you to know I've caused scandals, or been embroiled in them, and that there are hazards no matter where I go. It wasn't because I expect you to come live with me in Kyiv or Odesa - although Odesa is very pleasant for holidays.
[...]
I'd like to [...] date with you.
No, that's not how to say it.
Date to youDate. I'd like to do this. But I believe eventually, I'd like to be with you more. Live with you, so of course this is something we should discuss. Where the bird and fish build a nest?
[...]
I would never ask you to live in Ukraine; even if there was no war, I wouldn't risk your well-being for the sake of national pride. I can be Ukrainian anywhere.
And before you say 'But, Talik, it's your home!', please note that the last home I kept in Kyiv is no longer standing - and I have had plenty of other homes.
Or - 'But, Talik, your career!'
I can write from any room in the world. The internet allows me the distinct pleasure of irritating dictators from California, if I please.
[...]
If you want to stay where you are, who am I to deny you your happiness and peace? It would be complicated for us, but I'd be with you any way you would allow. I'd make it work.
If we do someday live together, know that it would only be where you feel safe, happy, and able to be yourself.
[...]
Sergiy is a consideration now. This business with Darius's lawyers and my divorce could mean I have full custody, isn't that so? I don't want to [...] uproot him, and even if I did, I wouldn't uproot him to a place where children are stolen into Russia.
I mean to say, I may have to live in New York.
Well, and my parents might choose to do the same if it means they can be with their grandsoSo, perhaps consider whether there are merits to living close to friends. Give it some thought while we're there, eh?
[...]
This other thing you said.
Knowledge and etiquette.
Is this because of me?
[...]
Forgive me. I'm trying to understand a point of origin for the concern, because I'm certain my sister sent you a video of me and my brothers wrestling on the ground like dogs
No, no, I think I do understand, and that's my fault
My Vevay. Let me be forthright with you. I don't care about your etiquette or knowledge or if you know how to behave with money. However, I don't think my saying so would matter much to you in situations where etiquette might seem important.
Let me say this instead.
Stay exactly as you are. Change nothing about your habits, your dress, your education for any reason save your own wishing.
You tell me if anyone at all makes you feel less than equal, less than the rarity that you are. Then you can watch me spit vodka in their face and tell them the ways they can get fucked.
You will never be acceptable to people who say you aren't acceptable now, as you are.
You are perfect in my eyes.
...Regarding familiarity with the language of money, well. When you have enough money to do what you want in whatever way you want, "fuck you" becomes a key phrase when the conversation arises, eh? So, practice this. "If you don't like it, fuck you."
Think about all the impotent rage burning in the hearts of the Ursula Hancocks and Madeline Holmwoods of the world because you, a tiny transgender man with a casual dialect and a wonderful ass, have invaded their elite circle. (And improved it.)
2/2
The thought of you
I hadn't thought
I hadn't thought of you moaning my name.
The name I gave to you to call me, I[...]I was shaken by the word texted to me by your hands, then by your voice around it. That you would moan it didn't enter into thought at all.
Now I can't stop thinking it, like a little sliver of glass under my skin. A splinter of thought.
How deep your voice is.
[...]
My heart is pounding, Vevay. I need [...] you. I need to be near you; I need to hear everything you do with my name.
Couple this longing with all the possibilities around 'lifting' you and I may lose all sense. I find myself asking if I should be wise and say nothing more, or if I should subject myself to the anxiety of having spoken something obscene for the sake of escalation.
Flirtation is one thing. Speaking of taste and vines and touches, it could all be innocent (somewhat.)
I do like the thought of you blushing and moaning far more than I dislike the rush of displeasure with myself.
[...]
A risk, then, for the sake of my name wrapped in the pleasured depths of your voice.
I told you what I would do with your hands; what I'd enjoy most is taking my time with you. Against a wall just that way, with your hands above your head.
And your legs over my shoulders.
That would take lifting, wouldn't it, коханий?
[...]
[...]
[...]
Yes, that was worth it. :)
1/2
[ … ]
Speaking this in terms both apart from literal and, aye, as well literal as can be
Fuck. Me.
Worth it indeed, I say in full fledged confidence and with my self set alight. That’s my skin burning that’s my skin crying for your touch, that’s my senses running wildfire, that’s me losing strength to stand the next hour or more.
Goes without saying, likely, that’s my everything sent compromised and aching.
[ … ]
Twelve days, and whatever count beyond. And when the day comes, aye, do this for me, Talik. With me, held precisely as you say.
Happens my legs ache for wrapping around you. Happens my thighs ache for you and every touch you’ve got for your Vevay. Take my hands in yours, aye, do, raise me, and you’ll hear a rising dawn’s sun put upon your name.
All I ask’s my lips freed long enough to keen for my Talik, let the skies known precisely what’d undone me, let my lungs burn with
my lmoj ukochany.Aye and before, after, I ask my hands freed long enough to see to their finesse. Hands and all my being, ey, small a man as I am, you’ll find the way I curl around you, fill your senses all with Vevay. Strong a man as you are, I’ll set you weak kneed and reft of breath, far flung from your senses.
Take that as avowal and promise, both.
[ … ]
Give your Vevay a moment, ey Talik? I’ll get to the rest of your message and the rest of the wonder of a man you are, much as I can put to words anyrate, but fuck if I don’t need a breath just now.
A breath. Bit of release.
Goes without saying it’s your hand I’ll envision, with my back against the wall.
2/3
My legs over your shoulders, jesus aye, how’s a man to function swimming in that thought that dream that, here I’ll hope and here I believe, someday eventually
For record’s sake, you got a blush from me on the first read, and the most ragged whisper gasping of your name. For record’s sake, you’ve got another blush from myself just now, only thinking what you said. Likely I’ll be blushing all across these twelve days.
So right and again let me say, worth it, fully worth it.
3/3
There’s nothing banishes my doubts as you do, and nothing helps me better feel my place and, aye, my brightness in existing.
Fact is, Talik, it’s difficult keeping clutch on my most adamant doubts regarding myself, when you speak this way. When you speak any way. A word from you, what’s writ in worry vanishes.
There’s that, what’s it. Sappho. ‘From every care you could release me.’ That’s you for me, and there’s a key thing as well from you, that there’s no erasing of the cause. I mean to say the ease you give’s not only writ in dreaming. Keeps its roots makes a home within the world, turns happiness to something more than dreamt, to something that can last.
(Above I said ‘all I can say’ which stands a misdirection, course. There’s no ‘all’ to my speaking about you or on you. I’ve got words endless for you, and sentiments as well, all this clamour in my heart that reaches for you, turns deeper, more insistent with your every text.)
Aye and for roots and for home, I’d like to build that nest with you. Another thought that sets me blushing, what it’d be to hold a life beside you, wake with my head against you nuzzled the night through then make breakfast at your side, what it’d be like for something simple as picking out curtains or selecting over oranges from the grocer, and what it’d be like coming home to find you, always you, and my heart struck to reeling every time.
Better still, coming home to you, to Sergiy, and to Dodo all. Making a rhythm of existence, all of us together.
There’s nothing better, that’s so, and simple fact.
[ … ]
[ … ]
Confession is I needed a moment. Took a moment having written that, bowled over by that thought, a home I’d like, I home I [ … ] think I’ve cause as well as wishing to hope for.
Well here and another confessional, less of the overwhelmed and overflooding heart, but no less true. Above there, I cited making breakfast with you and aye I’d like that, but I’ll cop to prodigious flaws in my cooking eh ‘skills.’ Scrambling eggs and toasting mostly unburnt bread’s within my reach, but beyond that I get over my head right quick. Don’t know what it is, just I’ve never found the knack.
Anyrate.
[ … ]
Here, if you wanted to live in Ukraine, I’d not argue. I mean what I say, that I’d find security with you anywhere at all.
Still though. I’d place my encouragement toward where’s nourishing for Sergiy. Where’s safe for him, and where’s familiar.
And as well, New York’d not be the sorriest place to live.
[ … ]
Not sorriest in the least, and might be I’ve thought on it before. Thought and discarded, owed to one reason and another, though fact is there’s work I can find most anywhere, or most anywhere that counts as eh not hazardous on the overall. There’s attraction to a city.
Be nice, keeping home nearer to friends.
Be nice, discerning how to make a life elsewhere. Be nice fucking off from this country, tbh, partial though I am to the circle I inhabit.
Be nicest of all, that life with you.
I’ll give it thought, New York, but I know my inclination. There’s pieces of life here I’d miss, but thing is, there’s more pieces by far I’d find there, I don’t doubt it in the least.
Well, eh, all of this hypothetically speaking, or else I mean [ … ] not so hypothetical, but as well, I don’t mean to push.
Final thinkings for this moment are I’ve no quarrel with mouthing off to those have it coming. Won’t say I’ve much bite to go with the bark, but there’s relish to giving a good ‘fuck off’ at times.
Also worth saying it ain’t without its attractions, you telling others a sound fuck off. Can’t say I wouldn’t like seeing it.
Can’t say either that it’s not incentive, the thought of my selfsame presence sending the Head N Stick Up The Arse brigade to a rage. That’s a satisfaction, aye, and let em stew in the mess they’ve made within their own selves.
And here’s this for you, Talik, moj ukochany. This tiny man's wonderful arse is all yours c; c; c;
1/2
Not only this. It's the awareness not just of what you did, but that you must have taken time to [...] ready yourself.
With most men, the body demands and you answer (or, like me, you breathe unsteadily through the demand, will it to silence.) Most have no choice but to soothe or stifle - hide - their ache.
You have that choice. You're an active participant in the physical manifesting of your arousal.
It wasn't only a moment and release. It was calculated: comprehending what you want, making that preparation, and action. You wanted badly enough to take the time.
All because of a few suggestive sentences from me, Vevay.
[...]
Господи, це сексуально.
Would you let me ready you
Fuck, what kind of question is that to ask
It isn't for fetish, it's that I like to do such things for my lover, to help them prepare
What is fucking wrong with me
Nova
I need to get out of this house.
Also - it's the envy of your privacy to have a moment. The desire for a moment of my own, which demands solitude.
I have never wished so badly for both solitude and company - one person's, in particular - at the same time.
No moments here, unfortunately, even if I could find a locked door.
There wouldn't be any ragged whispering from me. The next time a moment occurs [...] коханий, I'll howl for want of you.
[...]
I think I'll find a hotel tomorrow night
Would you call me, would you do this where I can hear
Look what kind of man you're making of me, asking such things
[...]
One week ago, I couldn't have cared less about this sort of thing. Now, I have empathy for starving dogs just outside a kitchen door.
Brutal, Vevay. Terribly brutal. What have I done but promise to care very well for you, eh?
2/2
You know how to make a man long for you, body and soul alike. Who can tell if my face burns because of what you've done or what you've said?
[...]
You aren't pushing. Yes, it's hypothetical, of course it is, but what harm is there in dreaming of this life? Imagination is critical to evolution, to progress; hypotheticals allow us to imagine new, better futures. Do you know about slipstream genre of literature?
It's a broadly defined category, but involves many temporalities - many timelines, yes? Many points of divergence so multiple stories may exist from the same beginning sentence.
I think there is a similar concept, one of making different choices which result in wildly different outcomes, but all of these occur simultaneously.
(Don't worry if you don't understand. This is more for the benefit of my lack of a 'moment' than for necessary conversation. My [...] baseball statistics.
Cold shower.)
An example: I imagine the day I meet you in New York. At the end of this meeting, we part as friends only. There is no breakfast, no shared bed, no curtains.
Maybe I remain married to Madeline.
And then, instead, I imagine a different future: at the end of the meeting, or perhaps at the beginning, I kiss you. I hold tightly to you and tell you [...] I love you, with all my soul, and that I've never been more certain of anything save the love I have for my son.
And Dodo.
And there is a shared bed, Vevay, and breakfast - which I also cannot cook in any timeline - and curtains. A home together. A family.
I live both of these lives simultaneously.
This imagining enables me to compare many situations and decide what would make me happiest. It's better to imagine multiple futures than all the things I should have done in retrospect, isn't that so?
[...]
In no way is this helping me feel less starved. The second life I imagine has so many shared 'moments', my heart might give out.
[...]
I can at least focus on other aspects of this.
I am curious, Vevay. Hypothetically, imaginatively: would you want children? This is something that people discuss when they first meet, isn't it, so they can decide their compatibility?
I'm [...] content with Sergiy, of course.
I would be happy with your children, also, if they needed a home. Wanted a home, and we -
I mean to say, I would welcome them and love them, if you and I shared a home. In this imagined future. They would always have a room waiting.
[...]
I would also [...] like more. One, maybe two. Only if it was something my partner also wanted. In one of these imagined futures, that comes to five children, which even I acknowledge is more a horde than a family.
Well -
Sergiy is enough. My heart, my happiness. Perhaps I'll keep to imagining a future where I see him every day, first.
One with you, also, calling me your beloved. (In Polish, which I'll learn.)
[...]
Still twelve days? Ah, still twelve days. The past half hour feels like an eternity.
1/3
You set a whole world into those sentences, Talik, credit and my commendations to yourself and to your thinking. Then as well I’ve an active imagination to fill out those sentences with my own mind. Fact is it took no thought at all, or not proper meditating though. Only hit automatic, the image and eh immediacy of what it’d be like, look and feel, and all my body set to fire. Wasn’t ever any hope against those sentences expanding to cataclysm, nor’d I wish on ounce of stifling on them.
Ey, between your imagination and mine, seems we’re a dangerous pairing c;
Won’t surprise you maybe that I hear your meaning on imagination’s utility, or that I’ve relied myself more than a little on its graces. Got my own habit of thinking ahead to what might be, and that’s saying as well I can vouch keeps what’s present and past from closing in too near, keeps suffocation a distance off.
Can’t say I’ve heard this about slipstream lit, or I mean I can’t say I’ve heard the term at all, but sounds the compelling sort of mindfuck and I’m game for hearing more. Game for anything comes through your speaking, very much including these visioned futures.
[ … ]
Here’s one from my end, might be said for making sure I grasp the basics, might also beside I speak it for the sake of joining you in this, and because I wish its speaking.
Say five years from now I can see myself living precisely where I am now, on my lonesome, not in misery nay, but every year’s a little less spark found to the world and there’s an absence at the centre bears no glimpsing.
And say five years from now I can see as well myself alive in New York, having made a home with my
husbboyf[ … ] husband and the family that’s rightly called our own, and every day I look at you my smile gone daft in joy, and every day I tell you how my love is yours for always, as it’s been every day those five years so far known beside you. Every day I tell you anew I love you, aye, and every day I know the wonder of my Talik at my being’s centre.Then in this second vision, there’s a hundred thousand visions for futures beyond, all built hand in hand with you, all expansive and gone bright, for I venture what we are and what we’ll be’s momentous.
[ … ]
Bears noting in both these visionings, Britain’ll have gone through a good seven more PMs and two further monarchs. Some things there’s no envisioning out of, not unless the fucked of this country fling themselves to the sea.
Well and anyrate. I know which vision I’d prefer. I know what speaks to me like life, and what to look for paths toward.
A truth of my being, I want my Talik, every way ‘want’ holds meaning.
Truth as well, I want you knowing joy in life, and knowing yourself loved, and worth every ounce of love exists to give.
I want you to be happy, can’t say that enough, nor speak properly the way it brings its own warmth flooding, the ways it sounds like the world set to rights.
2/3
You’re right about that all, what you said about taking time for my self tending, about my wanting to take that time. Knew what I felt. Knew that avid shiver through me, and knew it as yourself.
Did I want to see the signs of what you’ve done to me reflected on my body?
Did I want to know my witness to those words you spoke, aye, make myself a testament to what you are and where you reach me?
So I did.
And so I did. 🧡
Added to which! I’d like to hear your howl, feel reverberations of yourself through my chest, and’ll envy every wall bears that howl’s witness. Any chance someday I might get my own? 🥺🧡
[ ... ]
To hear your howl for myself and draw it from you, I meant.
Happens I'd invite you to draw one from your Vevay's voice, as well. c;
3/3
[ … ]
Left this for last not from disinterest. Disinterest’s far from the case of what I feel and what I’d like, and see you spoke of children and I took another minute or three reeling.
Thing is, I can’t say I’ve [ … ] let myself imagine far down that particular line.
Never seemed feasible, really. And then after what happened, eh, with [ … ] eh you see, Nicky and Liza [ … ] that territory for thinking turned itself wilder than I could pass through.
[ … ]
I like the thought of raising children. Even better, the thought of raising children with you, and if I let myself imagine it now
Thing is, it knocks me wordless to try. Catches my throat with wishfulness.
Think you’ve gleaned a sense I’d like very much to know Sergiy as my son. Like to raise him with you [ … ] if it’s not too presumptuous for speaking, or nay, I’d like it, however presumptuous I am in saying. Fact of the matter is I’m eager for the day it’s right to meet him. Fact is I’ve love for your boy already, he being yours and all you’ve spoke of him reaching right to my heart.
Aye and let’s not forget, the lad tells a right good bird joke c:
What I mean’s it chokes me up some and more than some, thinking what it’ll be to meet him.
[ … ]
And you talk about [ … ] my kids and
I’d speak thanks for your saying it, only I’d venture you don’t need or wish thanks, and any case the words’d be unequal to me feeling. I’d like [ … ] aye, if ever they’d wish it and if ever it’s possible [ … ] that so, I’d very much like Liza and Nicky to know they’ve a home with me. With us. [ … ] Don’t know that they would or wouldn’t want it, or I mean [ … ] little as I’ve been in contact with em, I can’t speak to where they stand in life or what they want for homes, or whether they’re pleased perfectly with living as they’ve got it now
and whether they’d wish to see myself at all.Which. That, eh. That’s a hard one for thinking on, because see I’d rather all turned well for em and the woman bore em figured how to be a mother. Fuck’d I be wishing misery on [ … ] my kids, right? [ … ] Though heart of myself, still and all there’s that part of me [ … ] wants them coming back. I know there’s no chance it being both ways, and if I’m choosing one over the other, of course it’s that woman having worked her shite out so they’re happy now and cared for. [ … ] Be nice were there a third option, peace for all parties.
[ … ]
There’s that for that, and point is it’s worlds of meaning to me, your welcome and your love for them.
[ … ]
And as well, I’d be right pleased myself with the four of us, you and I and Sergiy and Dodo. There’s also no part of me opposed to a plentitude of kids. Five’s nothing outside what I’d like myself, nor outside what we two could manage, aye? A horde, all of em cared for and all of em loved.
There’s that for certainty, that whatever the count of kids, you’d be the most attentive father to em all.
Eh, well. The most attentive, measured equally beside myself. c: Or so I’d like to think, and so I’d strive.
Aye, you and I and Sergiy and Dodo, or all of us and more besides, we’ve got a hundred possible futures ahead, all of them waiting bright. 🧡🧡🧡
1
Vevay, you make me breathless. Every word from you, every possibility I see unfolding in your messages is equally bliss and misery.
I think you know one form that misery takes. What I would give to have cries drawn from me by you. Better, to draw every sound I can from you.
[...]
What I would give to be able to write my thoughts as freely as you.
Will you be patient for me?
I can't give you any sort of howling until I'm certain it's safe to do so - but I can talk to you. I can tell every base thought I've had from the moment you used that name for me.
I'd like to place my fingers against your throat, gently, and feel your heart beat when I speak of all the ways I truly want to touch you. If a few sentences here can drive you to expressing desire as you've done - how sorry I am that I couldn't see! - then I wonder what I could do in whispers against your ear.
[...]
I would be so happy, Vevay. In this one future I imagine, I speak all my desire and love to you in the same beautiful, unchaste promise.
And then I leave you in the same state that you have your Talik now. Struggling to stay composed, but with every sense inflamed.
Starving, yes, but more alive than ever before.
When I can finally have you, can you imagine that cataclysm? I can. I can imagine what it is to be at the heart of a star as it burns its hottest. The core of violent creation and destruction, bound in your body drawn tense, arching or undulating, trembling thighs and scalding hands.
[...]
If I can type these things, imagine what I want to say.
[...]
Vevay, would you[...]I've tried twice to ask now a question, both in my last message and in this one. But you've mentioned it yourself, so perhaps you won't be displeased if I [...] try.
If I take another risk.
[...]
Would you consider allowing me to tend you, as you tended yourself?
It isn't a fetish. It's only that I'd like to learn how, and how to [...] let it be part of what we might do together. To think of it the same as readying any other part of you.
How I would hate for any moment between us to feel like a matter of necessity only.
[...]
I'll admit, the thought of you guiding my hand to help you 'make a testament' of yourself will haunt me. (But only if it excites you, as well. Only then.)
2
Only for twelve days. Only then.
[...]
Vevay, you wrote words that drew me to a precipice of every emotion - longing, grief, desire. Agony. Joy.
Need. I think I have always needed you -
Those words prove this, because they speak to futures I've imagined all my life.
'Husband' is one. What you've said of Sergiy, though. [...] I feel broken. Pierced by those words as though by a bullet and shattered like glass.
Very little rends me, stings my eyes with [...] tears, with aching.
His own mother
Perhaps you should have been his father all along, beside me always
[...]
I can't speak about this. Not without words I'm holding until I meet you. So - please. Please know I have answers for you, waiting to be given. Please understand their nature because I won't put them in text.
[...]
I think if two people imagine the same future, then it must be more likely to become truth.
My beautiful Vevay. My Nova. My star. Someday, more than my dream for the future, as well.
3/3
One final addition to this imagined future.
I would do everything in my power to reunite you with your children, even if only to visit and remind them they are loved.
It's a vow I would give you at the hour I called you that one shattering word.
[...]
Ah, but -
I will do everything in my power, Nova.
No matter what I ever become to you, friend or lover or husband, I swear it to you regardless. You'll see them again [...] and they will know they have their father.
1/?
It’s all right entire. All’s well, and all’ll hold for speaking til we’re present and together.
We’ve got all time and all the world ahead of us, never any rush aye?
Only your Vevay, here and always. 🧡🧡
Eh. Can’t say I’ve no wish these twelve days would hurry themselves ahead, but meanwhile we’ve got messaging for contact, and that’s no small thing.
[ … ]
[ … ]
Won’t surprise you happens, that I’ve taken for myself another moment, this of the kind involving amazement at a could be future, and awe again in all you are, the words you speak and I’ve no doubt in.
Couldn’t chance to breathe again, and I’m over here getting in my emotions, to speak the least of it.
My Talik. Vitaly. I
[ … ]
It’d like that. To see the two of them, if nothing else. To know they’re well [ … ] and [ … ] if it’s worse than well, to bring them
backto something better.Fuck’m I to do with all this I’m feeling, ah, christThere’s nothing and there’s no one like you.
And [ … ] if they’re anything like the way they were, Nicky and Liza’ll adore you, that’s truth.
[ … ]
A minute, this time just for composing myself, and I’ll be back with you, more to say and there’ll be further messages to say it 🧡
2/2
The way you draw me likewise to that precipice. The ways I find myself stumbling over, falling, lifted back again. That falling and that lift gifted with equal ardour, aye, and striking my own soul breathless every time.
Don’t know how I’m meant to keep drawing air around you. But eh, industrious as I am, I expect I’ll find a way, if only to keep on hearing what you’ve got to speak. If only to keep on knowing you, glimpsing you.
Aye, gazing on you, to keep you in my hold.
You’re writ clear to me, Talik. You image and the internal of you, makes more sense than any sight I’ve met before. Comes more real and closer than any dream or waking world’s encounter.
There’re more words for that future, and I’ll hold em til we can speak hand in hand and side to side. But aye my Talik, know I’ll be dreaming on what could be and might shall be, expounding on and deepening that dream, til that day we meet.
Twelve days’ time. It’s only twelve days against a lifetime lived, not so wretched, ey?
[ … ]
Might ask your forgiveness speaking this just a mite further, but it bears speaking and to my estimation, ‘husband’s a word.
Be a right good word for you, and to speak for you, another naming for yourself.
Thought and info to keep there for yourself, my Talik.
And here’s this for keeping just as well
There’s no consideration needed, Talik, as I know my answer as regards tending. Your tending to myself, and that act turned intrinsic part of what we do together in, eh, ways speaking toward the physically passionate.
It pleases me. Fuckin bowls me over, being honest. There’s not many’d think to either ask nor offer it at all. It’s not all that see it as I do, aye, the way you speak it. As something not so strange, not strange at all. Something that has its part in pleasure and love making, as it’s a part of my self, aye?
What I mean’s I’d like it. You tending to me. You learning, that, and myself aware of and burning on your care.
Like to know your hand led my my own upon me, touch and touch aligning. Like your fingers at my throat, that as well. That’s so, feel every way you strike me through, race and catching in my heart, sign spoke to your feeling. I want that for you, and want it for myself. No doubt you’ll set me inflamed, leave me feeling fire’s lick, aye and my Talik’s lick, the day through.
And that cataclysm as you spoke it
Bring me that, do, and let me bring you to the same. Your star’ll burn bright, no doubt there, but best remember what touches that star’s prone to catching fire also. I’ll turn you bright, my Talik, set you to the sky beside me, my own star brought through the supernova. It’s creation that’ll win above destruction with us, always. Yourself and I, bringing new lights, aye new hopes upon the heavens.
1
[...]
Iryna says hello.
I'm sorry, Vevay. I looked away from my phone for one moment and it was taken. Nevermind that it was in my pocket. Locked.
She said she wanted to see what was causing me to blush. To be fair, I am and have been all day.
Hopefully, seeing your last message will deter her from any further inquiries, eh? Without taking the time to read back to earlier this week, she wouldn't understand anything from it except that we've been speaking about foreplay in very vague terms.
And [...] being romantic with one another. Here, the deterrent. Iryna is not one for romance.
Or relationships predicated on romance.
[...]
Aromantic, that word.
So, she'll have learned her lesson. (I hope.)
[...]
...Well, I'll put shaving cream in her shoes tonight.
2
Please, Vevay, if it was a moment needed for composure from some unhappiness -
Consider remaining with me if such a moment comes again. Let me be here with you for every experience. Isn't it in this that creation begins?
How near one feels when every piece of the heart is unbared. If you've allowed me to know you so deeply - if we know one another body and soul - think how our fires will burn.
[...]
No, there's a better reason than this.
I want to care for you [...] every way you need from a man who could be your husband.
[...]
[...]
[...]
I swear to god, if Iryna makes one more disgusted sound at meWell, I'm blushing again. You throw my whole self into chaos.
But 'husband' is
Fuck, I can't ask you to be my husband, I've known you a week
We haven't met
Even I know that's insanity
[...]
'Husband' is a word for 'someday' and 'potential'.
[...]
It could be a word for you, as well as me. So. We'll keep this set aside for later consideration, like a savings account. A word full of possibility for the future.
3
That will be enough for now.
They aren't empty words, my Vevay. You'll see them again.
[...]
In the meantime, I am going to take these thoughts you've given me and put them very quietly in the back of my mind where they can't torment me.
Or not very much.
I'll be leaving here in three days for Berlin; maybe I'll let the thoughts rise to the fore again and have several moments of my own.
[...]
How did the rewiring go, with the basement that is really a basement and not anyone's downstairs?
1/3
It strikes me well. Up on a shelf it goes, to be viewed as I pleased and saved for those days to come and their possibilities.
Meanwhile, there’s a plentitude of other cause for blushing, ey? And I’m sure your Vevay’ll find more, intended and otherwise. 🧡
Much of it liable to send your sister back to disgust, but eh, Irisha finds herself flinching for the bleach bottle, that’s her own doing. Locked phones ain’t for prying, and those who enter uninvited best reap their consequences. Aye and aromantic’s well and good, but all the more cause she should keep care in snooping.
Could be that shaving cream’ll teach her. c;
Could be she’ll try nosing again and find herself leveled by a newfound iteration of the romantic. RIP to the lady herself, if that’s so. I’ve no mind to cease with the romantic, nor to do other than thrive in it and chase it with my Talik, far and further still. 🧡🧡
2/3
Fact of the matter is I wasn’t keen on [ … ] let’s say filling chat and crowding your ear with too much that’s woeful, and there’s a lot I’ve got where it comes to Liza and Nicky. Eh, not them themselves, of course, but all those circumstances surrounding.
Not to say I figured you’d mind it. Only [ … ] you’ve your own sources for affliction, aye? And seems they’re roaring plenty as is.
[ … ]
That said, you’ve met my feeling all over again, there with what you said about hearts unbared, and truth, I can’t think there’s creation without eh fullness for disclosure, and meeting what’s spoke with open arms and eyes alike. So right I [ … ]
Here. That in mind, your Vevay’ll keep to speaking that malaise of mine as it hits me. Only if it’s overmuch any time, you tell me, right?
Right, and I trust you for that, as for all else.
[ … ]
You’ve got me hoping, Talik. That aye, I’ll see my kids again. That maybe [ … ] they can be mine again, and maybe they’d like it. It’s you’ve taken my hand and guided me toward so much as seeing hope in this matter, and that’s no small feat.
It’s been, eh, more or less despairing on that matter for longer than’s pleasant for saying. Years now. [ … ] Been five since they were
takenreclaimed[ … ] taken. Three since recognition started setting in, that they weren’t [ … ] coming back. Since grasping that getting word to either of em, and I mean word they’d be sure to receive and word wouldn’t be intercepted, wouldn’t be clear and viable til years down the line.[ … ]
If they’re happy and cared for, if she’s learned to be a parent to em both and if her husband now’s the same, I’ve no intent to rock that boat. Christ knows they’ve had enough of upheaval. Might be my attempting reentry’d only make matters murkier, turn em upside down all over again.
I’m [ … ] hard pressed believing it’s as bright as that. But I’ve no proof, and no right way of knowing. Fuckers have been blocked and barred, same for Roza, and we’ve both tried. Don’t think that fact bodes well for their intentions toward the kids, keeping the both of us restricted, but then and again, it’s nothing I can say certain.
Well. But if Darius’s clued in [ … ] might be there’s something he can find. They can’t hide everything, however evasive they’re keeping.
Thank you, Talik.
For speakin to him, for listening. For your assurances. There’s relief hearing you speak all this. Knowing your words aren’t empty, never are, and christ’s truth, I’ve heard no words nor voice truer, none I’d better trust.
If there’s ever been a chance for the kids, fuck and if there’s ever been a chance for reaches more besides, it’s here and with you.
I'd call myself a lucky bastard, but that'd not say the half of it. Better to say it that I've light in my heart and fire new grown in my soul. Better to say I've a word on a shelf and a boyfriend speaking beauty across texts. Better to say I've got my Talik, and I'm thinking, I feel there's naught that can be set against us.
3/3
Had to ban him from the room, only he kept ambling back. Fucking headache, more so as the man wasn’t inhospitable, nor ill of intent. Just eh, bit gormless bit old, bit lonely.
Eh. Finishing it up tomorrow, fingers crossed and presuming he don’t take it on himself to tear out a brace of sockets.
Problems for tomorrow, those.
Got better things for focus now. Better thoughts for entertaining, letting take their place in imagining and grow. Because there’s this notion now of my Talik finding hisself a spot of privacy in three days’ time. Because there’s thoughts of what that privacy might bring, and how moj ukochany’s like to shake with it, how it’s Berlin’ll take my jealousy for hearing of that howl.
You’ll have to tell me how it goes, ey Talik? 🥴
Aye, and if you find yourself in need of fresh thoughts for rising and for torment, your Vevay’s here and ready with em, count on that. …Speaking fair and truth, might raise a few such thoughts regardless. My efforts will be made for veering from brutality, that’s so! But some thoughts and dreams’ll out and there’s just no helping it. 🧡
What’s got you headed to Berlin? (Apart from the siren’s call of a private momment, course c;)
1
ШЗХ
You tease 🥺
Nova you tease me 🥺
[...]
ШЗХ[...]
[...]
2
Why would you say such a thing? Now I can't help but wonder what fresh thoughts you have. I was almost calm for the first time today, but that's done with, isn't it? I should show you what you do to me, but I have suspicions that you'd only enjoy it.
Beloved, you are going to kill me before I ever meet you in person - which would be worse than my current condition, my lack of privacy, my longing for you.
Dying before I have the chance to feel your skin's give beneath my touch, or hear how many ways you transform my name, or see the look in your eyes.
Before I ever see or taste or stroke you.
Before I ever know how well you take me.
Or I you.
Can you imagine a worse death than this?
No, you have to be fair. You have to let me live long enough to hold your hands behind your back while I caress your hardness. To see the light and shadows strike across your tattoos as you ride me. Just once - if not every night of my life.
😘😘😘
[ And in English: ]
Save translating that for tomorrow morning, eh? It's a message to take with you to your next job, since the rewiring was so provoking. [...] Like a - goodbye kiss.
Have a wonderful day at work, мій коханий. 😘💙
c:
3
In particular, this is because I want to focus not on our romance (which I promise you, Vevay, will be romance through all the days we share) but on the other matter.
Thank you for speaking so freely with me. Please, коханий, always know you can tell me your troubles. Would you really feel happiness if you thought you could only feel happiness with me? It's better to have a partner who will stand beside you, hold you through the worst as well as the best.
I will, Nova. I want this.
I believe the same of you, for me.
[...]
If you believe this woman is mistreating Nicky and Liza, then the first thing to do is find evidence, as you suggest.
But I'll ask you something, which you don't have to answer today.
Think it through.
What would you like to do if they are happy and cared for? Would it be enough for you to know, and see them again a time or two?
And.
If they are unhappy, if they are mistreated. Do you care how Darius and I might handle this? Legal channels only?
Or, would you wish to remain in the dark, but not restrict us to certain methods?
You know what I've done these past two years. You know, also, my thoughts about children taken from good homes. From loving parents, and into hostile places. There is very little that troubles me about the ways of bringing them to safety and love, except that you have a [...] 'moral objection'.
[...]
[...]
I used believe most people are good and kind.
I used to loveI used to be better.I believed that everyone sees reason. Everyone knows right from wrong, and more, that everyone desires what's right when these things are clear.
I stopped believing in this for a very long time - for a while, I found my faith renewed when everyone here rose up together and fought. But [...] seeing people at the fucking beach here in Odesa as though nothing is happening in the north, this lethargy, this delusion that we aren't at war. Seeing children vanish from cities and the world does nothing. Seeing America's congress refuse to help us because of a disagreement about their own immigration. The Polish threatening to ally with Russia because of grain and commerce.
Seeing your country become a haven for the same hate we've all grown so sick of hearing.
The world is a sometimes terrible place. Many times.
I felt my belief dying again; that's so.
But then you, Nova. Then you. A reminder that rightness still exists. Good people, loving, fascinating people. Fathers who care for their children, they still exist. Men whose hearts beat like yours, strong and immediate and fierce.
[...]
Well. If I can put one thing right in this world, why not this, for you?
1/3
2/3
3/4
4/4
next morning 1/3
next morning 2/3
next morning 3/3
1
2
3
4
5
1
2
3
4/4
1
2
3
4
1/?
2/?
3/?
4/?
5/5
1
2
1/2?
2/3
3/3
1
2
3
1/2
2/2
1/2
2/2
1/3
2/3
3/3
1/2
2/2
1/2
2/2
1/2
2/2
1/2
2/2
1
2
3/3
1/?
2/3
3/3
1/3
2/3
3/3
1/3
2/3
3/3
1/2
2/3
3/3
1/?
2/3
3/3
1/2
2/2
1/?
2/3
3/3
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
1/3
2/3
3/3
(no subject)
(no subject)
1/2
2/2
1/2
2/2
(no subject)
(no subject)