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kingdomsofrain2024-01-24 08:25 pm
onefellswoop) wrote in kingdomsofrain2024-01-24 08:25 pmtexts texts texts
this one is for texts!
onefellswoop) wrote in kingdomsofrain2024-01-24 08:25 pm
sometime mid-morning
Mightāve guessed it, but I did enjoy this night last, and aye I slept sound, in dreams of hands warm half past bearing (aye, but never unbearable, never less than wished for and I might here rightly invoke the fact of my own yearning for all youāve spoke) (for burning and for shivers, and for waking up beside you, knowing silences gone full while Talikās at my side) (clearest lacking of this morningās waking up without you here with me, but eh, weāll mend that also, given time and given changes toward circumstances, never rushed nor hasty) and in eyes like candleās guiding lights.
Heard your voice within my sleep, thatās so, and knew my safety and my softness held in it.
This morning, pleased to report Iāve nary a hangoverās ache in sight, or nothing canāt be fixed with a few glassesā water. Kicking myself still, that text unsent, and aye Talik, youāre Vevayās sorry indeed toāve crashed first without sending his goodnight.
Said it in my sleep to you, but then thatās never the same.
Shite and seeing I messed the words I meant to give you. Shouldāve been āmoj ukochany.ā Flummoxed the gender on that, state I was in, but hereās it put to rights
My Talik. My dear and my dearest Vitaly. Moj ukochany.
Better, that. Spoke the words aloud a few times, just to get it on my tongue. Spoke your name as well, as Iāve done daily and mean to carry on it saying.
Going to need finding better words for what you are to me in what passes for English (well and I know some words for it already, those thatāll keep themselves for holding til we speak, my Talik and I), but āukochanyā catches my meaning set and certain, no denying.
Hope you got your own self into sleep, and that youāve not been waked to overmuch chaos or discordance borne of footie or holes dug straight to center of the earth by dear Dodo.
Aye, and here before I go chattering for ages, thereās that you mentioned about conversations (or eh one long convo, suppose) with the lawyer and on complications. [ ā¦ ] Not pressing and no pushing, but if itād something for cracking open now, your Vevayās here with you. And if I do say so myself, Iāve a significant level more coherence for both cognition and talk than I brought to bear that last message of mine.
Worth saying happens Iām no stranger to complications, nor compunctions about facing em. And what faith Iāve got in youās rooted lasting, runs deep, then deeper every word you send.
No fears, my Talik, and minced though I was last night, what I said thenās truth, that thereās not a thing we two canāt figure, norās that anything we canāt take on and best. Aye, Iāve got you, and youāve got I, and Sergiyāll be home sooner than not, so whatās to stand against us?
Nothing in the least, of course. Nor's there anything to keep us from that life ahead, long as it'll be, bright as it already shows.
1/3
[...]
And, true also, the thought of you wanting to return to me. A different warmth, this. The sense that, of all the world might offer you, you chose to return to just the dream of me. Strange, to think-
No, not strange, because don't I prefer your words above anything I could do with my hours? Don't I dream of you, as well, and wake thinking I feel you still beside me - though I've never felt you.
Andrii has taken up jokes at my expense; I apparently sighed your name in my sleep last night - which I am prone to do. Talking, not specifically speaking your name. Restlessness, you see. The more restless I am, the more I talk.
Between one thing and another, I am restless now.
Before I speak more to that, let me say this: your first message charmed me so. Even in the depths of intoxication, you are sweet, and I adore you. Even when you misgender me in Polish, Vevay, I am so delighted by you.
I hope [...]
No, I won't do this. No hoping for my own worth proven to you, equal to the trouble ahead. Instead, I'll say that I am grateful.
To you. To the universe that gave me you. To myself for knowing once, just once, the right moment, man, and words. (Even if the right moment and words are still ahead - twelve days! - I'm grateful.)
2/3
You've asked me several times what I do to occupy myself. My 'job'. I didn't precisely ignore you, but I may have sidestepped answering.
I don't have a 'job', per se. I have an inheritance which is [...] still substantial despite Madeline's best efforts to impoverish me. I have this, and I'm very good with money. Darius [...] helped. When we met, he made a number of advantageous introductions. Which is to say, I don't need to work.
I will never need to work.
Nor will Sergiy, though I hope to instill in him an ethic towards occupation of some kind.
[...]
My partner would be free to pursue his particular talents rather than[...]
I do research, in part, and publication of such. I also [...] work in an advisory capacity.
This is where the complications arise. I have a reputation, which sounds ominous, really. More attributable to Darius, but it's unfortunately true - and the moment Madeline begins to react to this divorce, I'm afraid I might draw attention.
[...]
Because of you, and what I want us to be.
[...]
The media is a large consideration. For me, I don't care. It doesn't trouble me, except that it might be untenable for you. So, please, consider carefully whether you want to be made into a public spectacle. We have options, Vevay; we could remain clandestine for a while and avoid that sort of attention.
Or we could simply weather it.
The other consideration is the attention it would draw from Russia. Yes, this sounds like catastrophizing, but it isn't. I've done something, you see -
I'd do better to show you. A moment, ŠŗŠ¾Ń Š°Š½ŠøŠ¹.
3/3
Alfonso Salma
February 2023
BRUSSELS ā One year after Russiaās invasion, the Brussels-based diplomatic summit resumes ongoing negotiations of support for Ukraine. Deputy Minister of Foreign Affairs Oleksiy Makeev spoke to a full assemblage today before yielding the floor to political scientist and advisor Dr. Vitaly Kozak.
Kozakās presentation to the summit, an appeal for armaments and monetary assistance, much like his keynote speech in 2017, referenced contemporary sociopolitical concepts exemplified in current events...
[ā¦]
[ā¦]
For two decades, Kozak has posited frameworks of equitable government adapted to the "inhabited Anthropocene" and paced with technological advancement. His publications have been subject of critical debate within both academic and political circles. Despite the success of his wartime career, Kozak came under fire for the 2018 book Agentic Anarchism, which examines necropolitics as described by fellow theorist and historian Achille Mbembe. In a series of essays, Kozak and co-author S.D. Altair argue that the stateās overreach into biopower necessitates extreme response in the form of anarchic methodology, Marxist revolt, and targeted assassination.
This is not the first time the theorist has been involved in political scandal; five years prior to the publication of Agentic Anarchism, Kozak served on a number of boards and has previously attended defense summits as a delegate for Ukraine. Attributed to pro-Russian opposition, details of Kozakās homosexual relationships were leaked to Ukrainian press, resulting in his dismissal from positions of national security.
Ukraineās political stance about LGBTQ+ issues has evolved in the years since. However, the majority of the country identifies as Christian under the Orthodox...
[ā¦]
[ā¦]
Kozak has declined to retract the publication, stating, āI hold that there are people who should never come to power; they are a liability and a danger to public safety. They should be removed by any means necessary.ā
Agentic Anarchism has seen a resurgence in popularity following Russiaās invasion of Ukraine. Kozak responded to this news on X (formerly Twitter) with, āGood. Maybe someone will feel inspired. Š”Š»Š°Š²Š° Š£ŠŗŃŠ°ŃŠ½Ń!ā
[ Linked: A video from a Ukrainian news source. Although not in English and not captioned, itās clear the story is about a much-younger Vitaly, who is shown giving a brief statement to a microphone thrust towards him. Declining to answer questions, he vanishes into the back of a government vehicle; the video cuts to a newsroom. The anchor speaks gravely as an image of another young man takes up occupancy in the upper right of the screen. The name āSheldon Warwickā can be picked out from the dialogue. ]
[ Linked: A second video, this time of the red-headed man from the previous photo. Not as brusque as Vitaly, he smiles and waves off the stilted questions posed in English: Would he care to comment? How long has he been involved with Vitaly Kozak? What is interest in Ukrainian politics?
A slur is shouted by someone off-camera; Sheldonās smile wavers, then vanishes. He shakes his head at any further questions and lets himself into the front entrance of a hotel where the press is stopped by employees. ]
[ Linked: A wedding announcement for Vitaly and Madeline, followed by what appears to be a gossip column; the gist is that his marriage is speculated to be an attempt to appear heterosexual in the public eye. ]
This one is obviously untrue, but it's morbidly funny to me:
[ Linked: A liturgical article discussing Vitaly and the success of conversion through prayer and sanctified marriage. The author has found and used a photograph of Vitaly, Madeline, and Sergiy. The article is titled āHow to Live Holy and Happy.ā No one looks particularly happy in said photo. ]
no subject
The sunāll always rise for you, make no mistake on that. š§” Always wanting to return, always avid for your self.
Glad I am, and grateful, that you drew back that talk of strangeness and of hopefulness to prove. Youāve nothing needs proving, nothing needs more showing than the fact of you.
Canāt say it doesnāt warm me, that my name and could be myself kept with you in your sleep. The restlessness Iām less keen on, much as Iād wish you to find sleep apart from agitation, but youāve cause for it, I wonāt deny. Thereās much for doing, my Talik. Much that sounds to be in motion now, and four weeks or however long, itās not so much time for waiting left.
Aye, and twelve meagre days remaining til I know yourself beside me, hear your voice spoke immediate, and [ ā¦ ] mine. Twelve days til worlds collide. Discrete allāll be, but the fact of that takes nothing from the life Iāll glean at the sight of you.
Does it need saying my admiration for youās only growing greater? Every word you speak and, aye, this now, the signs and sight of what youāve done.
Can see itās not catastrophizing nor hyperbole, what you said about Russia. All of it apt and all of it seems to myself needful for the speaking, eh but christ youāre a bold one.
Wonder is anyone could know you and not know pride as well. My own chestās near to bursting with it now and has been from near about the start, soon as you began to speak yourself, soon as my Talik started coming clear.
Fuck me Iām not near enough bright nor
Talik, you sure you want
Shite of a lot of good Iām like to bring you
Coming to find āintelligentā was an undersell of you. An undersell as well, your saying you found the right words. Been speaking the best of em from the start, all credit to you and to the heart those words come forth from.
[ ā¦ ]
Wonāt say itās no amount of overwhelming, eh [ ā¦ ] all this. Itās no kind of deterrent neither, be clear on that. Tenacious I am and stubborn I remain, and all the more so knowing what you are, and how youāre at the heart of me.
Never given a toss what others think or say or [ ā¦ ] nay, that
ainātisnātaināt correct entire, but means little enough in the grander scheme, and with you there, thereās nothing can be beyond weathering, nor untenable. Iāve made it through enough on my lonesome, truth, and whatās peripheral canāt count an ounce against the beauty, aye the marvel and the earthborn truth of what you are, my Talik.[ ā¦ ]
Might need some eh assurances ahead through that malaise I spoke of, but Iāve no doubts youāre equal for that easing, and beyond.
Not to say Iād count myself a burden onBut then thatās not in your thinking and I donāt mean to go suggestingAs for the clandestine, Iām game for it and demanding of it only so longās necessary for settling Sergiy and yourself to stability. Beyond that frame, secrecyās nothing Iād ask and nothing Iād like, and Iād rather be beside you out and open sooner than not.Been a lot youāve weathered your own self. A lot youāve come through in spite of all that howls itself a storm.
No more taking it alone, aye Talik? Whatever complications and eh outside attentions bring to bear, youāll have your Vevay there with you. š§”
Canāt feign Iām much up on any meanings in that youāve writ on. The gistās there maybe
or might be Iām mistakenand Iāll get, eh, what I can of the rest. Can say Iāve naught but endorsement on what I can suss, in particular as regards means and methods. Aye and itās a full on banger of a title.[ ā¦ ]
Might fuck around an
dask āAltairā about it sometime while Iām at it. Presuming thatās not coincidence alone and as Iām here marveling over a man canāt keep a secret worth a fuck but aye, longās the questions never asked heāll take the answer to his graveswear to shite D a v i d.Clever bastard, him. Whether it is or aināt coincidental.
Cleverer still, yourself, and a more fully valiant man Iāve never met. Felt it prior, and hereās only evidence further to its proving. Here, never let it be spoken youāve shirked responsibility, christ alive.
Admirable, I say again, and being clear, thereās little more attractive nor commendable than a man acting his principles and keeping with his heart. Fuck me running or and otherwise, how many times yetāre you going to set me falling?
Infinite, Iām guessing, and Iāll take and Iāll keep every one.
What I mean to sayās thereās nothing to keep me from my Talik, nor to keep that being of ours secret.
1/2
it began as a[...]Ah, but if you don't know, perhaps I'll leave him to explain for himself. It would serve him right for keeping secrets. Find a very good and uncomfortable moment to ask him, won't you?
To that, I don't expect you to understand the text. It would be like asking me to know how to play the cello. I never learned, so how could I be expected to understand it like you do, eh?
I can explain it to you in depth if you like, but truly, the [...] basic meaning, the 'gist'? That word. The gist is that we explain why it's not only ethical, but a moral obligation to assassinate those who abuse power, particularly when their reach is global.
No one in particular, of course. ...Although there are certainly examples based on current situations in countries with which we're familiar.
[...]
I wouldn't call it boldness. Certain governments would like to see us all dead. The difference is only that those specific governments now know my name.
You should see the shit I say on X about them.Now, I've answered to that and would like to talk about your malaise, my Vevay. Not the cause, but rather how I can help. What soothes you, ŠŗŠ¾Ń Š°Š½ŠøŠ¹? Even if I can't manage it all now, I'd like to know for the days when you're beside me.
I want to comfort you the way you comfort me.
Time and patience? I can give you all you need and hold you near until it passes. If you're willing to remain with me through all the turmoil to come, the least I can do is offer you peace in my arms.
Even if malaise hasn't struck yet, please, help me be ready to help keep you from overwhelm. From the wrong sort of falling! You should only ever feel the right sort; do you suppose I could give you that every day? Renewed falling, but never into sorrow?
[...]
I have a guess at why it might hang over you - your malaise - at least in this instance. Perhaps it's the same reason fretfulness comes over me when I think of the brilliance of you?
You seem to think highly of me.
[...]
I wish I could speak with you; somewhere private, somewhere that we could be alone and feel surety together. I want to see your eyes and kiss your hands. To tell you all you are to me. I think there's no amount of texting either of us may do to drive doubts away, but I know if only I could hold you, there would be no room for doubt at all.
Here, then, is my guess:
Nova, you are not an academic. This is true. Before I say more of you, let me say this: academia is no indicator of intelligence, capability, or a good personality. In fact, the opposite is so often true.
You are clever. You're intelligent. I read it in every word. You have such charming slyness, such sharp comprehension of the world. (And still, you face this terrible world with such determined optimism!)
You have cleverness in your hands, as well: to fix what's broken, to draw music from instruments I would be terrified to touch.
Nova, you're loyal and loving, as well, and these are so rare.
You stimulate me - ah, intellectually, here. But yes, the other way, as well. Anything I've felt necessary to explain has been contextual only. Have you noticed this?
I have.
You are brilliance itself, my Vevay. My boyfriend. š
If your malaise insists on ignoring me, well, I'll find other words to fill the hours until I can be with you and help you forget you were anything but
lovcherished for all that you are.2/2
[...]
You are some of the cause, after all. The solution to that particular agitation would make me forget all the rest.
For a few perfect hours, anyway.
3/3
You asked for more photographs of me, and you've sent so many of you for me to admire.
[...]
I've found two that you might like. I'm guessing at the things you appreciate -
Somewhat.
One is from dinner last night.
[ That's what he sends first; in the picture, Vitaly is dressed in a suit, though he had removed the coat by this time, leaving only a vest over a blue-checked shirt. He's seated somewhere out of the way, his long legs stretched and ankles crossed, giving a clear view of the hardened leanness of his body. What drew him from whatever this 'dinner' actually was is obviously some preoccupation with his phone. The vape he's using is probably just an excuse to take a few minutes to text. He's smiling faintly around an exhalation of vapor as though amused by something that's been said. ]
And two weeks ago, before the universe became beautifully altered from the addition of a new star:
[ This photo is obvious pandering: a gym selfie, his body cast in shadowy definition by overhead lights. Just like his back, his chest and stomach are well-muscled and tattooed.
(Oddly, his expression is one of disinterest, as though the photo is just something one does and not worth any kind of enjoyment or focus.)
As an afterthought, he sends another photo from the same day.
It shows Oleksei, Andrii, and Vitaly together in a gym; both brothers wear tank tops and basketball shorts, while Oleksei's clothing of choice is a t-shirt and track pants. All three appear sweaty and flushed; Oleksei is leaning against a wall and smoking a cigarette, which seems to be drawing no attention at all. Andrii is shouting - possibly encouragingly? - while Vitaly deadlifts what looks to be Quite A Lot. He's nearly at the top of the lift, teeth bared either in effort or at his brother. ]
1/2?
[ ā¦ ]
[ ā¦ ]
Saving each of those for my repeat viewing and my phoneās backgrounds alike.
Did you guess well at my appreciations fuck me that you did, and thatās you giving a man a course in how to fail his breathing three times over
You in that vest aloneās got me agitated my own self and all over again.
Ey but who you messaging with there, Talik? c;
Blueās a good colour on you, saying it now, though Iām not sure thereās any wouldnāt flatter.
Added to which youāve given your Vevay an eyeful of additional tattoos to think on tracing, aye slow in touch and leaning in to breathe you nestle at your skin with each, then a kiss for my Talikās lips each time after.
Each time after and likely in between, mid tracing. Happens youāve got lips to kill a man and asking to be kissed, on top of all else.
AlsoRight so for sake of curiosityJust cause Iām wondering say I take an academic interestAh fuck it, hereās the question: Just how much can you lift jesus shite
2/3
Aye, and canāt deny Iāve, eh, letās say appreciation for the follow through on moral obligations where grand scale harmās at hand. Grand scale or smaller, true, point being thereās causes of destruction canāt be borne.
No fault to yourself there being particular exemplars of bloodied malfeasance.
True to say Iām sure those exemplars wouldnāt see it so, but fuck em thricewise for thinking themselves above denouncing.
Eh, was going to else what else you mayāve writ, but Iāve got this power of web search at my fingertips, and my suppositionās you donāt make much a habit of aliases.
Related to the matter of nonexistent and existent aliases, fact is I couldnāt hold onto that query and put the screws to Senan David already. Makes sense anyrate, he in his argumentative philosopher punk glories, good for him and good for yourself both, that collaborating.
[ ā¦ ]
You ever meet his mother? Asking only as her name came up with Wilco, and youādāve liked her. Eh, anyoneād be hard pressed not to, and maybe what I meanās I like to think youād met her so here Iām asking.
[ ā¦ ]
Right so.
Thinking itās not necessity telling you youāve got me on that cause for my malaise. Thatād be one of the mains, aye, far as causes go.
The others, eh. Likely you can guess their shape as well. Got a lot to do with why thereās not much else in the way of locales Iāve inhabited. Not speaking evasive here, only thatās another set of tangents and thereās the immediate for discussing now.
It aināt strange to me, what youāre speaking. In logicās terms, itās no far stretch believing thereās a fair number of eh academics walking around head up the arse spouting nonsense. Open up a headline or fuck help me so much as catch a glimpse of any program purporting news, youāll hear plenty from them on the daily. Thereās cases where academic titling means mostly a shite opinionās apt to be taken with a weight itās no cause to keep. Case in point Ursula fuckin Hancock with her five degrees and a handbag full of columns for titling her malignance sound sense. Boggles the mind, it does. Or would were it not for knowing the loudest contingent of this fuck of a countryās its most rabid, any case. Fucking āBritain losing the next world war on account of itās too woke to fightā rot.
Aye, but logic and knowingās one thing, feeling and knowingās another, particularly in the, eh application to oneās self. Which Iād wagerās nothing strange to you.
Something for you and I alike to hold for one another, could be? Assurance where the selfās uncertain. Assertion for what circumstance and outside radges have played against. Malaise and moodsāve got no chance holding up against ourselves, Iām thinking.
[ ā¦ ]
A fact for you. That last message I sent, just after eh, first looking at those links you sent. Spent a lot of that one second guessing what it was I wrote. Deleted near as much as I let stand. Dwelt too long on what to say and how to say it, and whether I was, eh, putting on some fronting.
No fault of yours, goes without saying but I say it anyway. Fuck of a trip a mindāll play on a bloke when it starts its gnawing.
Point Iām coming to is Iāve done none of that here. No rethinking and no hesitations. No falling to the eh jaws or maw of worry, and thatās a fast turnaround for myself, and credit speaks to you.
Youāre a good man, Talik. Good in the ways many claim without reaching, speaking āgoodā in ways more ought aspire to and work toward.
Good for your Vevay, thatās so. Speaking with you, thinking on youās breathing fresh life and turns the world wider again, and welcoming.
Far as comforting goes, youāve given that in spades already. Wonāt say Iāve not got my self doubts still, but theyāve gone quieter. Significantly so. Hard for em to speak so loud when Iāve got your voice talking acclaim upon me, assuring all thatās well and drawing thorns out from my heart.
Thereās that for you, as well, that youāre a good heartās keeper, and better far than āgoodā can compass.
Wouldnāt say no to your hold or your arms, and Iām in agreement with you there, that thereāll be no doubts left for knowing once Iām with you, near and up against you. Wordsāll bat off worries, and itās truth your words comfort me further than any speech or touch Iāve known before, simpaticoās what you are with me or I with you, but thereās much to be said for presence, eyes and hands and heartbeats.
Twelve days, Talik, twelve days.
3/3
Happens those hands have cleverness to show and spare, all for my Talik.
Twelve days, or twelve days and however longās needed, and I mean to show you all these hands can do. c;
1/2
He knows what he did. ]
I don't think anything I'd like do to you would kill you.
[...]
Would you do something for me, Vevay? To help me make a point, nothing more.
On the small of your back nearer to your waist, there's a vine that curls upward but follows the curves of your body very well. It's magnificent artistry.
Would you trace it with you finger, please, to establish the sensation of it?
[...]
Or, rather, to establish what I mean when I say I'd like to trace it also. Lightly, with the tip of my tongue.
I think I'll grow very fond of that vine's taste.
2/3
Darius's ex-wife? Someone allowed her a public platform?
I've had the good fortune not to interact with her in years, but that horrible woman is the one who introduced me to Madeline. That sort of rhetoric doesn't surprise me, considering the source.
If anything is wrong with the world, it's people like her who use their voices to protect their positions of privilege. [...] A tirade from which I'll refrain. I think I wouldn't be saying anything new to your ears.
I never did meet Senan's mother, but I've heard nothing but good of her over the years. I remember how hard it was for him when she died.
For the rest -
I'm honored you feel soothed by me, and proud of you, Nova. My Vevay, how fortunate I am to know you and know that you take my words to heart.
I'd like that moment, malaise and reassurance, to be the shape of any sorrow you feel. If you'll let me, as I'll let you, be a reason for comfort.
[...]
You mentioned locales you've inhabited; it's no tangent. It's to do with you, and I want to know all of you if you'll share with me.
We can talk of anything you like, as long as I have words from my Vevay.
3/3
[...]
Do you want a serious answer, or may I say only that I can lift you easily?
;)
[...]
Honest answer? 205.
[...]
Kilograms.
1/3
You aināt fuckin
Nay you canāt be
Fuckin mistake somewhere in here must be or Iām
[ ā¦ ]
[ ā¦ ]
Iāll [ ā¦ ] take a leap here and say itās too much for hoping that the Ursula youāre meaning and the one Iām speaking could be other than the same.
[ ā¦ ]
Nay. The time fits right, thinking on it. She with her loud n proud platform these last four five years past sobbing on about the grand old English tradition xenophobic transphobic horse shite, not much a name hereabouts prior, not that Iād heard.
Knew Dariusād been married and split. Heard her name, mightāve done.
Hadnāt connected the two.
So much is what I get not tracking the goings and doings of friends, acquaintances, the like. Busy at the time and all, disinclined toward travel, but then thatās no excuse for lack of knowing.
[ ā¦ ]
Fuck me, but thatās rotten from her, and thatās wreckage wrought for you, Talik.
Small world it is sometimes. Small fucking world.
Wouldāve been best for all setting the both of them to sea, let em sort themselves out one to one.
Only once your Sergiy came to being, mind. [ ā¦ ] Iāll give her that one thing, little credit though Iād say sheās due.
Devil take the both of the, Ursula, Madeline, and all their like beside.
2/3
[ ā¦ ]
205 kilos fuck you aināt taking the piss and Iām
[ ā¦ ]
[ ā¦ ]
Fuckin lostās what I am. Aye, well thatās no news. Call it a fresh iteration of a song I'm growin to know like my own marrow, got me queasy at the knees, shite.
[ ā¦ ]
Well. Photos and statements is one thing. No saying I doubt you but eh, for purposes of cementing into proof, well
Guess youāll have to prove it, hey?
Before or after giving up the trace of that tongue.
Before or after Iāve given you my own, and aye, weāve much to trail upon and linger over, turn toward combustion and its easiness to follow, arms in arms, yourself wrapped with my own.
Back to say, by way of showing, might be youāll give your Vevay a lift, show how easy it is, just how flat ridic strong my Talikās made hisself
š„“š§”??
Worth noting youāve got me both blushing and shivered again. Worth noting as well, Iām wagering you know as much, and intended the very same.
Well played to you, Talik, well played and ardently approved, with a sigh, aye, call it properly a moan spoke to your name š§”š§”
3/3
[ ā¦ ]
At risk of spillin overmuch in too small a time, or itās true thereās no risk in it, not with you, Iām thinking.
[ ā¦ ]
Lived around Harrogate most my life, aye? Those early years took shapes nearer Essex, and thereāve been here and there months itinerant abroad, but thoseāve been more rare than common, and my meaningās Iāve made my life here and made my self known here. Wonāt say thereāve not been troubles and wonāt say it wasnāt a handful of scrapping early on, but Iāve got the troubling in hand years since, and for the main, folks around hereāve no quarrel with me.
Me being a man given to romantic relations regardless of gender, and me being a man whoās not always been called as such, and makes no secret of the facts.
[ ā¦ ]
Put it more direct, Iām a man, given, and Iām a man whoās trans, given as well. Small as this village is and its environs are, most folks here know as much andāve come to accept its knowing. My knowing, aye. Means the roadās been not so rocky these last years, less immediate objecting to myself, more seeing me for the man I mean to be and am, have always been.
Not sure how Iāll translate elsewhere, is part my meaning and part my eh wariness. Itās nothing I aināt equal to. Nothing not to be worked out or figured through, and Iāve no qualms about my capacity for this figuring. Iāve habits, might say strong developed talents of keeping up a front for those come bearing teeth to tear.
Just might need encouragement at times. Holding, aye, and reminding myself I aināt so wrongheaded. Say it again, thereās knowing logically and thereās knowing in belief, and takes some time and working to unite. Meaning as well I know what I am and know the right in being it, the good in stating and showing it clear. Just sometimes crawl up into my head about myself and get a little tangled, aye.
You untangle me. Here and now you do, and have, and so I trust you will. Only [ ā¦ ] so you know, itās not something entirely behind me.
Aye and related to which, canāt say I know how itāll complicate your own affairs. Iād venture saying any media vultures given to harping on about the virtues of the het life might also take a dip to stances on the place of being trans, and taking partners with a man whoās trans.
Which Iād guess youāve thought already. Bright man and thoughtful, that you are. Youād call none of this an obstacle, that much I believe and know with surety, only Iād feel [ ā¦ ] ill met, to reach for you without putting it clear, or clear as I can state it.
The rest of the malaise relatedās got to do with experience spoke generally, about travel and traversing with those beyond oneās immediate countryfolk. Has as well to do with eh familiarity with money and its language or else its methods, which Iāll say and youāve likely guessed, Iāve little enough to my counting. Thereās plenty experience Iāve not had much brush with. Plenty Iāve yet to learn, and Iām not the least opposed to learning, but thereās knowledges and etiquettes I lack.
Also to say, thereās a lot of ways I might be reckoned less than, might be sighted as a target. None that Iād think in your holding, but your knowing the nonsense wonāt stop others honing in.
[ ā¦ ]
Thatās part of what I mean, aye. [ ā¦ ] And thereās the kids as well, and what Iāve failed in doing.
Figure thatās enough gloom or and doom for the moment being. None of what Iāve said hereās, eh [ ā¦ ] much I take to speaking regular. But fact remains Iād rather you know, have the heads up.
Be able to measure for yourself whether your Vevayās worth theFact remains as well itās true you soothe me, true you reach me where and ways no otherās near approached.
Thereās no better ease for my heart than your words or your self.
And no better place, Iāll dare and Iāll say, for your words, for your self than my heart.
1/2
I understand. In a small way, I empathize with it. There's comfort in the familiar, and we may be tied to place by this comfort as well as felt obligations. Meanwhile, there are places that loom ominously before us, full of uncertainties and certainties alike. Rejection and violence, possible misery.
It's nothing you should have to endure.
[...]
I should speak more plainly. I mean Ukraine.
I showed you what the media has said about me because I want you to know I've caused scandals, or been embroiled in them, and that there are hazards no matter where I go. It wasn't because I expect you to come live with me in Kyiv or Odesa - although Odesa is very pleasant for holidays.
[...]
I'd like to [...] date with you.
No, that's not how to say it.
Date to youDate. I'd like to do this. But I believe eventually, I'd like to be with you more. Live with you, so of course this is something we should discuss. Where the bird and fish build a nest?
[...]
I would never ask you to live in Ukraine; even if there was no war, I wouldn't risk your well-being for the sake of national pride. I can be Ukrainian anywhere.
And before you say 'But, Talik, it's your home!', please note that the last home I kept in Kyiv is no longer standing - and I have had plenty of other homes.
Or - 'But, Talik, your career!'
I can write from any room in the world. The internet allows me the distinct pleasure of irritating dictators from California, if I please.
[...]
If you want to stay where you are, who am I to deny you your happiness and peace? It would be complicated for us, but I'd be with you any way you would allow. I'd make it work.
If we do someday live together, know that it would only be where you feel safe, happy, and able to be yourself.
[...]
Sergiy is a consideration now. This business with Darius's lawyers and my divorce could mean I have full custody, isn't that so? I don't want to [...] uproot him, and even if I did, I wouldn't uproot him to a place where children are stolen into Russia.
I mean to say, I may have to live in New York.
Well, and my parents might choose to do the same if it means they can be with their grandsoSo, perhaps consider whether there are merits to living close to friends. Give it some thought while we're there, eh?
[...]
This other thing you said.
Knowledge and etiquette.
Is this because of me?
[...]
Forgive me. I'm trying to understand a point of origin for the concern, because I'm certain my sister sent you a video of me and my brothers wrestling on the ground like dogs
No, no, I think I do understand, and that's my fault
My Vevay. Let me be forthright with you. I don't care about your etiquette or knowledge or if you know how to behave with money. However, I don't think my saying so would matter much to you in situations where etiquette might seem important.
Let me say this instead.
Stay exactly as you are. Change nothing about your habits, your dress, your education for any reason save your own wishing.
You tell me if anyone at all makes you feel less than equal, less than the rarity that you are. Then you can watch me spit vodka in their face and tell them the ways they can get fucked.
You will never be acceptable to people who say you aren't acceptable now, as you are.
You are perfect in my eyes.
...Regarding familiarity with the language of money, well. When you have enough money to do what you want in whatever way you want, "fuck you" becomes a key phrase when the conversation arises, eh? So, practice this. "If you don't like it, fuck you."
Think about all the impotent rage burning in the hearts of the Ursula Hancocks and Madeline Holmwoods of the world because you, a tiny transgender man with a casual dialect and a wonderful ass, have invaded their elite circle. (And improved it.)
2/2
The thought of you
I hadn't thought
I hadn't thought of you moaning my name.
The name I gave to you to call me, I[...]I was shaken by the word texted to me by your hands, then by your voice around it. That you would moan it didn't enter into thought at all.
Now I can't stop thinking it, like a little sliver of glass under my skin. A splinter of thought.
How deep your voice is.
[...]
My heart is pounding, Vevay. I need [...] you. I need to be near you; I need to hear everything you do with my name.
Couple this longing with all the possibilities around 'lifting' you and I may lose all sense. I find myself asking if I should be wise and say nothing more, or if I should subject myself to the anxiety of having spoken something obscene for the sake of escalation.
Flirtation is one thing. Speaking of taste and vines and touches, it could all be innocent (somewhat.)
I do like the thought of you blushing and moaning far more than I dislike the rush of displeasure with myself.
[...]
A risk, then, for the sake of my name wrapped in the pleasured depths of your voice.
I told you what I would do with your hands; what I'd enjoy most is taking my time with you. Against a wall just that way, with your hands above your head.
And your legs over my shoulders.
That would take lifting, wouldn't it, ŠŗŠ¾Ń Š°Š½ŠøŠ¹?
[...]
[...]
[...]
Yes, that was worth it. :)
1/2
[ ā¦ ]
Speaking this in terms both apart from literal and, aye, as well literal as can be
Fuck. Me.
Worth it indeed, I say in full fledged confidence and with my self set alight. Thatās my skin burning thatās my skin crying for your touch, thatās my senses running wildfire, thatās me losing strength to stand the next hour or more.
Goes without saying, likely, thatās my everything sent compromised and aching.
[ ā¦ ]
Twelve days, and whatever count beyond. And when the day comes, aye, do this for me, Talik. With me, held precisely as you say.
Happens my legs ache for wrapping around you. Happens my thighs ache for you and every touch youāve got for your Vevay. Take my hands in yours, aye, do, raise me, and youāll hear a rising dawnās sun put upon your name.
All I askās my lips freed long enough to keen for my Talik, let the skies known precisely whatād undone me, let my lungs burn with
my lmoj ukochany.Aye and before, after, I ask my hands freed long enough to see to their finesse. Hands and all my being, ey, small a man as I am, youāll find the way I curl around you, fill your senses all with Vevay. Strong a man as you are, Iāll set you weak kneed and reft of breath, far flung from your senses.
Take that as avowal and promise, both.
[ ā¦ ]
Give your Vevay a moment, ey Talik? Iāll get to the rest of your message and the rest of the wonder of a man you are, much as I can put to words anyrate, but fuck if I donāt need a breath just now.
A breath. Bit of release.
Goes without saying itās your hand Iāll envision, with my back against the wall.
2/3
My legs over your shoulders, jesus aye, howās a man to function swimming in that thought that dream that, here Iāll hope and here I believe, someday eventually
For recordās sake, you got a blush from me on the first read, and the most ragged whisper gasping of your name. For recordās sake, youāve got another blush from myself just now, only thinking what you said. Likely Iāll be blushing all across these twelve days.
So right and again let me say, worth it, fully worth it.
3/3
Thereās nothing banishes my doubts as you do, and nothing helps me better feel my place and, aye, my brightness in existing.
Fact is, Talik, itās difficult keeping clutch on my most adamant doubts regarding myself, when you speak this way. When you speak any way. A word from you, whatās writ in worry vanishes.
Thereās that, whatās it. Sappho. āFrom every care you could release me.ā Thatās you for me, and thereās a key thing as well from you, that thereās no erasing of the cause. I mean to say the ease you giveās not only writ in dreaming. Keeps its roots makes a home within the world, turns happiness to something more than dreamt, to something that can last.
(Above I said āall I can sayā which stands a misdirection, course. Thereās no āallā to my speaking about you or on you. Iāve got words endless for you, and sentiments as well, all this clamour in my heart that reaches for you, turns deeper, more insistent with your every text.)
Aye and for roots and for home, Iād like to build that nest with you. Another thought that sets me blushing, what itād be to hold a life beside you, wake with my head against you nuzzled the night through then make breakfast at your side, what itād be like for something simple as picking out curtains or selecting over oranges from the grocer, and what itād be like coming home to find you, always you, and my heart struck to reeling every time.
Better still, coming home to you, to Sergiy, and to Dodo all. Making a rhythm of existence, all of us together.
Thereās nothing better, thatās so, and simple fact.
[ ā¦ ]
[ ā¦ ]
Confession is I needed a moment. Took a moment having written that, bowled over by that thought, a home Iād like, I home I [ ā¦ ] think Iāve cause as well as wishing to hope for.
Well here and another confessional, less of the overwhelmed and overflooding heart, but no less true. Above there, I cited making breakfast with you and aye Iād like that, but Iāll cop to prodigious flaws in my cooking eh āskills.ā Scrambling eggs and toasting mostly unburnt breadās within my reach, but beyond that I get over my head right quick. Donāt know what it is, just Iāve never found the knack.
Anyrate.
[ ā¦ ]
Here, if you wanted to live in Ukraine, Iād not argue. I mean what I say, that Iād find security with you anywhere at all.
Still though. Iād place my encouragement toward whereās nourishing for Sergiy. Whereās safe for him, and whereās familiar.
And as well, New Yorkād not be the sorriest place to live.
[ ā¦ ]
Not sorriest in the least, and might be Iāve thought on it before. Thought and discarded, owed to one reason and another, though fact is thereās work I can find most anywhere, or most anywhere that counts as eh not hazardous on the overall. Thereās attraction to a city.
Be nice, keeping home nearer to friends.
Be nice, discerning how to make a life elsewhere. Be nice fucking off from this country, tbh, partial though I am to the circle I inhabit.
Be nicest of all, that life with you.
Iāll give it thought, New York, but I know my inclination. Thereās pieces of life here Iād miss, but thing is, thereās more pieces by far Iād find there, I donāt doubt it in the least.
Well, eh, all of this hypothetically speaking, or else I mean [ ā¦ ] not so hypothetical, but as well, I donāt mean to push.
Final thinkings for this moment are Iāve no quarrel with mouthing off to those have it coming. Wonāt say Iāve much bite to go with the bark, but thereās relish to giving a good āfuck offā at times.
Also worth saying it aināt without its attractions, you telling others a sound fuck off. Canāt say I wouldnāt like seeing it.
Canāt say either that itās not incentive, the thought of my selfsame presence sending the Head N Stick Up The Arse brigade to a rage. Thatās a satisfaction, aye, and let em stew in the mess theyāve made within their own selves.
And hereās this for you, Talik, moj ukochany. This tiny man's wonderful arse is all yours c; c; c;
1/2
Not only this. It's the awareness not just of what you did, but that you must have taken time to [...] ready yourself.
With most men, the body demands and you answer (or, like me, you breathe unsteadily through the demand, will it to silence.) Most have no choice but to soothe or stifle - hide - their ache.
You have that choice. You're an active participant in the physical manifesting of your arousal.
It wasn't only a moment and release. It was calculated: comprehending what you want, making that preparation, and action. You wanted badly enough to take the time.
All because of a few suggestive sentences from me, Vevay.
[...]
ŠŠ¾ŃŠæŠ¾Š“Šø, ŃŠµ ŃŠµŠŗŃŃŠ°Š»ŃŠ½Š¾.
Would you let me ready you
Fuck, what kind of question is that to ask
It isn't for fetish, it's that I like to do such things for my lover, to help them prepare
What is fucking wrong with me
Nova
I need to get out of this house.
Also - it's the envy of your privacy to have a moment. The desire for a moment of my own, which demands solitude.
I have never wished so badly for both solitude and company - one person's, in particular - at the same time.
No moments here, unfortunately, even if I could find a locked door.
There wouldn't be any ragged whispering from me. The next time a moment occurs [...] ŠŗŠ¾Ń Š°Š½ŠøŠ¹, I'll howl for want of you.
[...]
I think I'll find a hotel tomorrow night
Would you call me, would you do this where I can hear
Look what kind of man you're making of me, asking such things
[...]
One week ago, I couldn't have cared less about this sort of thing. Now, I have empathy for starving dogs just outside a kitchen door.
Brutal, Vevay. Terribly brutal. What have I done but promise to care very well for you, eh?
2/2
You know how to make a man long for you, body and soul alike. Who can tell if my face burns because of what you've done or what you've said?
[...]
You aren't pushing. Yes, it's hypothetical, of course it is, but what harm is there in dreaming of this life? Imagination is critical to evolution, to progress; hypotheticals allow us to imagine new, better futures. Do you know about slipstream genre of literature?
It's a broadly defined category, but involves many temporalities - many timelines, yes? Many points of divergence so multiple stories may exist from the same beginning sentence.
I think there is a similar concept, one of making different choices which result in wildly different outcomes, but all of these occur simultaneously.
(Don't worry if you don't understand. This is more for the benefit of my lack of a 'moment' than for necessary conversation. My [...] baseball statistics.
Cold shower.)
An example: I imagine the day I meet you in New York. At the end of this meeting, we part as friends only. There is no breakfast, no shared bed, no curtains.
Maybe I remain married to Madeline.
And then, instead, I imagine a different future: at the end of the meeting, or perhaps at the beginning, I kiss you. I hold tightly to you and tell you [...] I love you, with all my soul, and that I've never been more certain of anything save the love I have for my son.
And Dodo.
And there is a shared bed, Vevay, and breakfast - which I also cannot cook in any timeline - and curtains. A home together. A family.
I live both of these lives simultaneously.
This imagining enables me to compare many situations and decide what would make me happiest. It's better to imagine multiple futures than all the things I should have done in retrospect, isn't that so?
[...]
In no way is this helping me feel less starved. The second life I imagine has so many shared 'moments', my heart might give out.
[...]
I can at least focus on other aspects of this.
I am curious, Vevay. Hypothetically, imaginatively: would you want children? This is something that people discuss when they first meet, isn't it, so they can decide their compatibility?
I'm [...] content with Sergiy, of course.
I would be happy with your children, also, if they needed a home. Wanted a home, and we -
I mean to say, I would welcome them and love them, if you and I shared a home. In this imagined future. They would always have a room waiting.
[...]
I would also [...] like more. One, maybe two. Only if it was something my partner also wanted. In one of these imagined futures, that comes to five children, which even I acknowledge is more a horde than a family.
Well -
Sergiy is enough. My heart, my happiness. Perhaps I'll keep to imagining a future where I see him every day, first.
One with you, also, calling me your beloved. (In Polish, which I'll learn.)
[...]
Still twelve days? Ah, still twelve days. The past half hour feels like an eternity.
1/3
You set a whole world into those sentences, Talik, credit and my commendations to yourself and to your thinking. Then as well Iāve an active imagination to fill out those sentences with my own mind. Fact is it took no thought at all, or not proper meditating though. Only hit automatic, the image and eh immediacy of what itād be like, look and feel, and all my body set to fire. Wasnāt ever any hope against those sentences expanding to cataclysm, norād I wish on ounce of stifling on them.āØ
Ey, between your imagination and mine, seems weāre a dangerous pairing c;
Wonāt surprise you maybe that I hear your meaning on imaginationās utility, or that Iāve relied myself more than a little on its graces. Got my own habit of thinking ahead to what might be, and thatās saying as well I can vouch keeps whatās present and past from closing in too near, keeps suffocation a distance off.
Canāt say Iāve heard this about slipstream lit, or I mean I canāt say Iāve heard the term at all, but sounds the compelling sort of mindfuck and Iām game for hearing more. Game for anything comes through your speaking, very much including these visioned futures.
[ ā¦ ]
Hereās one from my end, might be said for making sure I grasp the basics, might also beside I speak it for the sake of joining you in this, and because I wish its speaking.
Say five years from now I can see myself living precisely where I am now, on my lonesome, not in misery nay, but every yearās a little less spark found to the world and thereās an absence at the centre bears no glimpsing.
And say five years from now I can see as well myself alive in New York, having made a home with my
husbboyf[ ā¦ ] husband and the family thatās rightly called our own, and every day I look at you my smile gone daft in joy, and every day I tell you how my love is yours for always, as itās been every day those five years so far known beside you. Every day I tell you anew I love you, aye, and every day I know the wonder of my Talik at my beingās centre.Then in this second vision, thereās a hundred thousand visions for futures beyond, all built hand in hand with you, all expansive and gone bright, for I venture what we are and what weāll beās momentous.
[ ā¦ ]
Bears noting in both these visionings, Britaināll have gone through a good seven more PMs and two further monarchs. Some things thereās no envisioning out of, not unless the fucked of this country fling themselves to the sea.
Well and anyrate. I know which vision Iād prefer. I know what speaks to me like life, and what to look for paths toward.
A truth of my being, I want my Talik, every way āwantā holds meaning.
Truth as well, I want you knowing joy in life, and knowing yourself loved, and worth every ounce of love exists to give.
I want you to be happy, canāt say that enough, nor speak properly the way it brings its own warmth flooding, the ways it sounds like the world set to rights.
2/3
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