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onefellswoop) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
kingdomsofrain2024-01-24 08:25 pm
onefellswoop) wrote in kingdomsofrain2024-01-24 08:25 pmtexts texts texts
this one is for texts!
onefellswoop) wrote in kingdomsofrain2024-01-24 08:25 pm
4/4
We can talk of places where you might like to live. [...] If there is somewhere you happen to share with me, please know that I feel it's necessary to have a birdbath and your head on my shoulder. Hedgehogs, as well.
My arm around you, if you let me.
The questioning from my mother was as you would expect. Where did I meet you, where are you from, who are your parents, etc. I told her only what I felt was reasonably her business. The rest is your own to share. It is guardianship, yes; it's also [...] not appropriate for me to tell people certain things about you.
...It's not safe to 'out' other people here. I don't do it, not even to my family. Talking about your family might have led to that conversation.
[...]
Sex, then.
I can [...] try to answer you.
It's easier if I think of it only as honesty with you and not as [...] being obscene. Somewhat.
It's also easier with vodka.
I have no trouble talking about this in person, or with sex itself; it's seeing the words I've written. Evidence that I've been 'vulgar'.
[...]
I meant that the condom wasn't a demand. Testing isn't optional, but it seems we agree on that matter. I mean to go this week. I don't have any expectations of you; I simply have healthcare here. I don't have health insurance in the States. It's best to do it now.
I have no interest in murdering you or anyone else except the person who said that to you.
[...]
[...]
'Rough' is vague, коханий.
Brutal? No, I won't be able to [...] accommodate you. I don't leave intentional wounds. I don't draw blood.
[...]
But something I've learned, Vevay, is that one of my hands can hold two wrists like yours in place against a wall. Or behind your back. I'm aware of a lot of possibilities that arise because you are so much smaller than I am.
I would never force anything on a lover. But 'forceful' is a different word, isn't that so?
It's a type of 'rough', like the way 'fucking' can be a type of 'making love'.
[...]
I prefer to go slow, forceful. To use my hands and bring my partner over and over, soothe them, excite them again.
There's nothing I wouldn't do for them, within reason.
...Nothing I wouldn't do for you, Vevay.
With someone like you, I take my time so I can feel everything. Every tightening and shiver. How a moan fills a kiss. How my lover draws toward breaking, then burns bright with release.
[...]
'Rough' could also mean 'fast and hard'. That's good sometimes.
Slow and hard is much more fun, though.
[...]
I'll say one thing more, then put my phone down and pretend I didn't type any of that, eh?
I want you, Vevay, in every way I can have you. I want to make you forget any hands but mine. When you're away from me, I want you to feel breathless when you remember what I did to you.
мій коханий, I doubt so many things about myself, but I know where I won't disappoint you at all. 🧡
[...]
The problem is texting about it. :\
1/?
[ … ]
How’s that for death and revivifying, hey?
J e s u s.
[ … ]
Jesus shite.
Got me with that, you did. Blood roiling tenfold and fuck me but you bear self surety with beauty itself.
Eh, surety and otherwise alike, only I mean to say you caught me out from nowhere with that.
Christ but you make a man go dizzy.
Send your star beyond astral.
[ … ]
Let me be that, your star, Talik.
Ey, and don’t you go forgetting! There's nary a way in this world, in any world counting you can disappoint me.
[ … ]
For record’s sake I’ll take the slow, the swift, and the soothing all.
Fuck. Me. Running.
2/?
Just now, got some pics to send. The crew sends their regards, aye, and their thanks for the drinks. Haven’t had a night like this in an age, that’s sure, and sure as well there’s plenty needed it.
You’ve got their fondness, Talik. I’d say you’ve got my own, only that’s given at this point, and anyways pics’ll show more than I’ve words to put just now.
We’re getting your Sergiy back. We’re getting your self back. That’s all certain and set upon.
Have to bring you meeting all this group sometime, I’ll cover drinks thereabouts aye. Aye and ftr, you may know myself as still reeling entire from those messages of yours, that last and every other.
And chrissake let it be known you’ve no trouble texting in least, or at the least your message’s got no trouble speaking through.
[ A series of photographs follows, post-rehearsal musicians in varying levels of intoxication and exuberance, many of them toasting the camera, some giving a thumbs up or an ‘ok’ sign.
With every image, Nova sends a brief caption offering names and instruments played, sometimes with brief highlights regarding the figures involved, sometimes with transcripts of whatever was being said at the time or with messages from those pictured to Vitaly, thanks for his largesse or/and luck with his endeavors or/and entreaties to take care of their Nova hey.
Most of the pictures were taken in haste, figures blurred in the background, some of the musicians themselves not quite held in focus. The pub around is clearly busy, and the atmosphere looks nothing short of celebratory.
Among the pictures are several including Nova, most of these taken and passed along to Nova by other members of the group. In one, he has his arms slung along a man and woman, all of them engaged in singing the chorus to an unnoted song. In another, he’s leaning precariously back in his chair, eyes fixed on the ceiling, grinning wide. Another shows him staring at his phone, eyes wide, smile speaking at once surprise, approbation, and anticipation. In this picture, there’s a flush to his cheeks, his hand’s caught halfway to his face - as if he’d intended to cover his mouth or rubs his jaw and been arrested partway through the motion - and he seems to have forgotten precisely how to breathe. With this picture, the caption reads simply, ’One of em caught me reading your message, aye you know which one. Not going to pretend there weren’t a few whistles following that. No pretending either they weren’t right to do so, nor that I didn’t half appreciate it. Sayin it again, Talik, you’re a marvel of a man, is what you are.’
The final picture of Nova, and the final image sent for the moment, is a selfie. Him with his chin propped on the knuckle of one folded hand, smile fond, expression still a mingling of stricken and smitten. The fingers of his hand are extended slightly, as if in the beginning of a wave, and his eyes are fixed on the camera, seeking Vitaly. The caption here reads, ’Thinking of you, now and always, christ alive.’ ]
3/3 BUT NOVA IS NOT THROUGH WITH U
My night sky and my day's break with a heart bettern gold.
Fucking honoured, I'm honoured hearing all this of you, and knowing your belief.
Feeling like, aye, I'm thinking you see my own. Faith in you, that I've got right through my bones, and that I'm keeping always.
You're a good man, that's so, and you're the man holds my affections, calls my affections to you.
[ ... ]
Shite, there's much wants saying but thing is I'm myself not entirely sober is the thing, and here I'm giddy to top it off, sets me reeling off past what middling hold I've got upon coherence on a good day.
That's you sending me giddy by the by, no fault and all laudation to you
I'm not through with words, my Talik. Give your Vevay an hour or so for sobering some beyond this here pub here, and there's more to come your way 🧡🧡🧡
1/2
He’d forgotten entirely - and intentionally - how much he prefers men despite how his interest in women has dwindled to nothing over the years. Has he ever been interested in women at all…? Never like he feels for Nova, at any rate. He wonders briefly, though, if it would matter if Nova was female, or if he still had those 'components'.
Well. He doesn’t think it would. But he’s finding he’s glad that isn’t the case; he’s finding he’s thrumming with his own eagerness for what is becoming more and more likely.
He nurses his second vodka of the night and thinks, yes, he’d like to fuck Nova, but - not running. The thought draws a small, closed-mouth laugh from him.
Vitaly lingers on the last picture, brushing his thumb along Nova’s cheek and jaw, letting the pad rest against his fingers. With a little effort, he can imagine the contact of skin against skin. ]
I don’t think any ‘running’ will be involved, коханий. The rest, I can do for you.
I like the look of you blushing; if I can draw it from you in person, I’d like to feel the heat against my lips.
[…]
I’ll stop there. I’m working myself into a state of longing that won’t find relief for some time. Even solitary, temporary relief is out of the question with perpetual cold water in the shower and my brother one bed over at night.
Better to focus on this other photo with your lovely eyes somehow fixed on mine, somehow seeing me across the miles. Now I have a second screen for my phone; I like to change them, you know. So today, you and your remarkable eyes are my lock screen, and Sergiy with Dodo is the background.
My reasons for happiness, the three of you.
[…]
I’ll never tire of looking at you, Vevay.
And please - don’t sober up. Enjoy your night. Have fun and worry about words tomorrow.
…There are things we’ll need to discussWe have all the time in the world, коханий. I’m certain of it.
2/2
For now, know that things have been set in motion, and it may be that so much sooner than “someday”, we -
Oh, Vevay, you can’t know how profoundly it shuddered me, to see you speak of Sergiy with “we”. How it filled me with such tenderness for you.
How well you care for me, for us, and without asking for anything in return but my heart.
Thirteen days. Thirteen, almost twelve, and I can say everything that burns inside me - to my Nova.
You may well be the hero of my story, do you know?
3/3 An Update
Forgive me, Vevay; I hope you reached home safely and are now sleeping your way towards only the mildest of hangovers. I would have liked to wish you goodnight.
Someone named Alice Colling contacted me; he is or his partners are Darius’s lawyers. I’ve been speaking with him on the phone since just past my last message to you.
Darius apparently has paid a good deal for them to handle my situation exclusively, which I did not ask him to do, but which I will not refuse, given the circumstances.You were right; the contract was invalidated. Or rather, it would have been. Apparently, it wasn’t legal in the first place. Not in the States. The courts won’t uphold compulsion or restriction of sexual congress in a postnuptial agreement.
This lawyer, Colling, is deferring further assessment to the senior partners; Colling is “shaky” with his understanding of certain international laws. I’ll have to wait until next week to consult.
He warns me that this may take months at minimum if Madeline decides to drag me through court for custody, but - there may be something she doesn’t know.
He advised me that it will be at least four weeks before it reaches a docket - and that I would do well to be discrete with my social life until then.
[…]
It raises concerns, though.
There are […] complications. I need to speak with you before anything begins.
You should know what hazard might be waiting. I didn’t think of it, so caught up was I in speaking with my Vevay, but […] well, that’s enough for now. We can speak of it tomorrow.
Sleep well, коханий. How I wish I could be beside you.
Dream of what life lies ahead. 💙
no subject
He’s startled away by a sound, sensation of the phone clutched still in his hand upon his chest. And behold, it is Vitaly! And also—
Ah, fuck.
There’s the message he’d intended to send, very much unsent. Yes he’d meant to sent the message and yes it’s also clear he’d botched the execution, and he’s scrambling into a sit, caught in a brief pause while the world sways around him yes but that doesn’t delay him long from reading, then responding— ]
Talik!!
Ey real fuckin sorry had a message didn’t the fuck recall to send it fk me, but the gist’s my appreciation all yr words and my hoping the nightsnt all unfriendly for you
[ … ]
Apologies, this mess Im in Been in and out drifting thinkin of you, here at this my sofa
Here fuck disgraceful this is, fk here gathering mself
[ … ]
[ … ]
Right, slow n steady
Glad you got hold with Darius. That lawyer too [ … ] Long convo to be havin shite Talik, you all right?
No matter on the waiting or complictions. Nothing there cant be figured, I say. Between you with brains and I in tenacity, is nothing stands a chance.
Also which,youve a way for driving a man eh myself mad and turning all to lightness also.
I’lll have to keep givin you pics for that screen, as I’ll ask you send your own for mine
Never can tire of see you, myself
And I meant that ‘we.’ I’m going to keep on meaning it.
[ … ]
Going to read this you sent again come morning, fresher minds to prevail But aye all these words from you and any words from you, anything about my Talik’s all I need for joy 🧡🧡
Dyou know it’s thikinim thinkingcant keep not thinkin what you sent ndNot getting arguments form me about runnin v not running c; Shivering a man throuh that’s your doing and bless yrself for it
Thinkin about thien hadns thats fact
[ … ]
eh fk right and aye m afraid to say that’s might be all the coherence I’ve got mustered atm, only atm
Wish you were here myself, or I there ah nay but you said your brother, so best you here
No matter or no much matter though, got thworld and all its hours ahead of us, like said like you yrself said and thing is Talik thing is my Talik is an
itnglintligclever clever man knows his meaning he doesHold any meaning counts, that’s you
Moja ukochana
dear n dearest Vitaly
My Talik
night and the most fond bright night from yr boyfriend 🧡
sometime mid-morning
Might’ve guessed it, but I did enjoy this night last, and aye I slept sound, in dreams of hands warm half past bearing (aye, but never unbearable, never less than wished for and I might here rightly invoke the fact of my own yearning for all you’ve spoke) (for burning and for shivers, and for waking up beside you, knowing silences gone full while Talik’s at my side) (clearest lacking of this morning’s waking up without you here with me, but eh, we’ll mend that also, given time and given changes toward circumstances, never rushed nor hasty) and in eyes like candle’s guiding lights.
Heard your voice within my sleep, that’s so, and knew my safety and my softness held in it.
This morning, pleased to report I’ve nary a hangover’s ache in sight, or nothing can’t be fixed with a few glasses’ water. Kicking myself still, that text unsent, and aye Talik, you’re Vevay’s sorry indeed to’ve crashed first without sending his goodnight.
Said it in my sleep to you, but then that’s never the same.
Shite and seeing I messed the words I meant to give you. Should’ve been ‘moj ukochany.’ Flummoxed the gender on that, state I was in, but here’s it put to rights
My Talik. My dear and my dearest Vitaly. Moj ukochany.
Better, that. Spoke the words aloud a few times, just to get it on my tongue. Spoke your name as well, as I’ve done daily and mean to carry on it saying.
Going to need finding better words for what you are to me in what passes for English (well and I know some words for it already, those that’ll keep themselves for holding til we speak, my Talik and I), but ‘ukochany’ catches my meaning set and certain, no denying.
Hope you got your own self into sleep, and that you’ve not been waked to overmuch chaos or discordance borne of footie or holes dug straight to center of the earth by dear Dodo.
Aye, and here before I go chattering for ages, there’s that you mentioned about conversations (or eh one long convo, suppose) with the lawyer and on complications. [ … ] Not pressing and no pushing, but if it’d something for cracking open now, your Vevay’s here with you. And if I do say so myself, I’ve a significant level more coherence for both cognition and talk than I brought to bear that last message of mine.
Worth saying happens I’m no stranger to complications, nor compunctions about facing em. And what faith I’ve got in you’s rooted lasting, runs deep, then deeper every word you send.
No fears, my Talik, and minced though I was last night, what I said then’s truth, that there’s not a thing we two can’t figure, nor’s that anything we can’t take on and best. Aye, I’ve got you, and you’ve got I, and Sergiy’ll be home sooner than not, so what’s to stand against us?
Nothing in the least, of course. Nor's there anything to keep us from that life ahead, long as it'll be, bright as it already shows.
1/3
[...]
And, true also, the thought of you wanting to return to me. A different warmth, this. The sense that, of all the world might offer you, you chose to return to just the dream of me. Strange, to think-
No, not strange, because don't I prefer your words above anything I could do with my hours? Don't I dream of you, as well, and wake thinking I feel you still beside me - though I've never felt you.
Andrii has taken up jokes at my expense; I apparently sighed your name in my sleep last night - which I am prone to do. Talking, not specifically speaking your name. Restlessness, you see. The more restless I am, the more I talk.
Between one thing and another, I am restless now.
Before I speak more to that, let me say this: your first message charmed me so. Even in the depths of intoxication, you are sweet, and I adore you. Even when you misgender me in Polish, Vevay, I am so delighted by you.
I hope [...]
No, I won't do this. No hoping for my own worth proven to you, equal to the trouble ahead. Instead, I'll say that I am grateful.
To you. To the universe that gave me you. To myself for knowing once, just once, the right moment, man, and words. (Even if the right moment and words are still ahead - twelve days! - I'm grateful.)
2/3
You've asked me several times what I do to occupy myself. My 'job'. I didn't precisely ignore you, but I may have sidestepped answering.
I don't have a 'job', per se. I have an inheritance which is [...] still substantial despite Madeline's best efforts to impoverish me. I have this, and I'm very good with money. Darius [...] helped. When we met, he made a number of advantageous introductions. Which is to say, I don't need to work.
I will never need to work.
Nor will Sergiy, though I hope to instill in him an ethic towards occupation of some kind.
[...]
My partner would be free to pursue his particular talents rather than[...]
I do research, in part, and publication of such. I also [...] work in an advisory capacity.
This is where the complications arise. I have a reputation, which sounds ominous, really. More attributable to Darius, but it's unfortunately true - and the moment Madeline begins to react to this divorce, I'm afraid I might draw attention.
[...]
Because of you, and what I want us to be.
[...]
The media is a large consideration. For me, I don't care. It doesn't trouble me, except that it might be untenable for you. So, please, consider carefully whether you want to be made into a public spectacle. We have options, Vevay; we could remain clandestine for a while and avoid that sort of attention.
Or we could simply weather it.
The other consideration is the attention it would draw from Russia. Yes, this sounds like catastrophizing, but it isn't. I've done something, you see -
I'd do better to show you. A moment, коханий.
3/3
Alfonso Salma
February 2023
BRUSSELS – One year after Russia’s invasion, the Brussels-based diplomatic summit resumes ongoing negotiations of support for Ukraine. Deputy Minister of Foreign Affairs Oleksiy Makeev spoke to a full assemblage today before yielding the floor to political scientist and advisor Dr. Vitaly Kozak.
Kozak’s presentation to the summit, an appeal for armaments and monetary assistance, much like his keynote speech in 2017, referenced contemporary sociopolitical concepts exemplified in current events...
[…]
[…]
For two decades, Kozak has posited frameworks of equitable government adapted to the "inhabited Anthropocene" and paced with technological advancement. His publications have been subject of critical debate within both academic and political circles. Despite the success of his wartime career, Kozak came under fire for the 2018 book Agentic Anarchism, which examines necropolitics as described by fellow theorist and historian Achille Mbembe. In a series of essays, Kozak and co-author S.D. Altair argue that the state’s overreach into biopower necessitates extreme response in the form of anarchic methodology, Marxist revolt, and targeted assassination.
This is not the first time the theorist has been involved in political scandal; five years prior to the publication of Agentic Anarchism, Kozak served on a number of boards and has previously attended defense summits as a delegate for Ukraine. Attributed to pro-Russian opposition, details of Kozak’s homosexual relationships were leaked to Ukrainian press, resulting in his dismissal from positions of national security.
Ukraine’s political stance about LGBTQ+ issues has evolved in the years since. However, the majority of the country identifies as Christian under the Orthodox...
[…]
[…]
Kozak has declined to retract the publication, stating, “I hold that there are people who should never come to power; they are a liability and a danger to public safety. They should be removed by any means necessary.”
Agentic Anarchism has seen a resurgence in popularity following Russia’s invasion of Ukraine. Kozak responded to this news on X (formerly Twitter) with, “Good. Maybe someone will feel inspired. Слава Україні!“
[ Linked: A video from a Ukrainian news source. Although not in English and not captioned, it’s clear the story is about a much-younger Vitaly, who is shown giving a brief statement to a microphone thrust towards him. Declining to answer questions, he vanishes into the back of a government vehicle; the video cuts to a newsroom. The anchor speaks gravely as an image of another young man takes up occupancy in the upper right of the screen. The name ‘Sheldon Warwick’ can be picked out from the dialogue. ]
[ Linked: A second video, this time of the red-headed man from the previous photo. Not as brusque as Vitaly, he smiles and waves off the stilted questions posed in English: Would he care to comment? How long has he been involved with Vitaly Kozak? What is interest in Ukrainian politics?
A slur is shouted by someone off-camera; Sheldon’s smile wavers, then vanishes. He shakes his head at any further questions and lets himself into the front entrance of a hotel where the press is stopped by employees. ]
[ Linked: A wedding announcement for Vitaly and Madeline, followed by what appears to be a gossip column; the gist is that his marriage is speculated to be an attempt to appear heterosexual in the public eye. ]
This one is obviously untrue, but it's morbidly funny to me:
[ Linked: A liturgical article discussing Vitaly and the success of conversion through prayer and sanctified marriage. The author has found and used a photograph of Vitaly, Madeline, and Sergiy. The article is titled “How to Live Holy and Happy.” No one looks particularly happy in said photo. ]
no subject
The sun’ll always rise for you, make no mistake on that. 🧡 Always wanting to return, always avid for your self.
Glad I am, and grateful, that you drew back that talk of strangeness and of hopefulness to prove. You’ve nothing needs proving, nothing needs more showing than the fact of you.
Can’t say it doesn’t warm me, that my name and could be myself kept with you in your sleep. The restlessness I’m less keen on, much as I’d wish you to find sleep apart from agitation, but you’ve cause for it, I won’t deny. There’s much for doing, my Talik. Much that sounds to be in motion now, and four weeks or however long, it’s not so much time for waiting left.
Aye, and twelve meagre days remaining til I know yourself beside me, hear your voice spoke immediate, and [ … ] mine. Twelve days til worlds collide. Discrete all’ll be, but the fact of that takes nothing from the life I’ll glean at the sight of you.
Does it need saying my admiration for you’s only growing greater? Every word you speak and, aye, this now, the signs and sight of what you’ve done.
Can see it’s not catastrophizing nor hyperbole, what you said about Russia. All of it apt and all of it seems to myself needful for the speaking, eh but christ you’re a bold one.
Wonder is anyone could know you and not know pride as well. My own chest’s near to bursting with it now and has been from near about the start, soon as you began to speak yourself, soon as my Talik started coming clear.
Fuck me I’m not near enough bright nor
Talik, you sure you want
Shite of a lot of good I’m like to bring you
Coming to find ‘intelligent’ was an undersell of you. An undersell as well, your saying you found the right words. Been speaking the best of em from the start, all credit to you and to the heart those words come forth from.
[ … ]
Won’t say it’s no amount of overwhelming, eh [ … ] all this. It’s no kind of deterrent neither, be clear on that. Tenacious I am and stubborn I remain, and all the more so knowing what you are, and how you’re at the heart of me.
Never given a toss what others think or say or [ … ] nay, that
ain’tisn’tain’t correct entire, but means little enough in the grander scheme, and with you there, there’s nothing can be beyond weathering, nor untenable. I’ve made it through enough on my lonesome, truth, and what’s peripheral can’t count an ounce against the beauty, aye the marvel and the earthborn truth of what you are, my Talik.[ … ]
Might need some eh assurances ahead through that malaise I spoke of, but I’ve no doubts you’re equal for that easing, and beyond.
Not to say I’d count myself a burden onBut then that’s not in your thinking and I don’t mean to go suggestingAs for the clandestine, I’m game for it and demanding of it only so long’s necessary for settling Sergiy and yourself to stability. Beyond that frame, secrecy’s nothing I’d ask and nothing I’d like, and I’d rather be beside you out and open sooner than not.Been a lot you’ve weathered your own self. A lot you’ve come through in spite of all that howls itself a storm.
No more taking it alone, aye Talik? Whatever complications and eh outside attentions bring to bear, you’ll have your Vevay there with you. 🧡
Can’t feign I’m much up on any meanings in that you’ve writ on. The gist’s there maybe
or might be I’m mistakenand I’ll get, eh, what I can of the rest. Can say I’ve naught but endorsement on what I can suss, in particular as regards means and methods. Aye and it’s a full on banger of a title.[ … ]
Might fuck around an
dask ‘Altair’ about it sometime while I’m at it. Presuming that’s not coincidence alone and as I’m here marveling over a man can’t keep a secret worth a fuck but aye, long’s the questions never asked he’ll take the answer to his graveswear to shite D a v i d.Clever bastard, him. Whether it is or ain’t coincidental.
Cleverer still, yourself, and a more fully valiant man I’ve never met. Felt it prior, and here’s only evidence further to its proving. Here, never let it be spoken you’ve shirked responsibility, christ alive.
Admirable, I say again, and being clear, there’s little more attractive nor commendable than a man acting his principles and keeping with his heart. Fuck me running or and otherwise, how many times yet’re you going to set me falling?
Infinite, I’m guessing, and I’ll take and I’ll keep every one.
What I mean to say’s there’s nothing to keep me from my Talik, nor to keep that being of ours secret.
1/2
it began as a[...]Ah, but if you don't know, perhaps I'll leave him to explain for himself. It would serve him right for keeping secrets. Find a very good and uncomfortable moment to ask him, won't you?
To that, I don't expect you to understand the text. It would be like asking me to know how to play the cello. I never learned, so how could I be expected to understand it like you do, eh?
I can explain it to you in depth if you like, but truly, the [...] basic meaning, the 'gist'? That word. The gist is that we explain why it's not only ethical, but a moral obligation to assassinate those who abuse power, particularly when their reach is global.
No one in particular, of course. ...Although there are certainly examples based on current situations in countries with which we're familiar.
[...]
I wouldn't call it boldness. Certain governments would like to see us all dead. The difference is only that those specific governments now know my name.
You should see the shit I say on X about them.Now, I've answered to that and would like to talk about your malaise, my Vevay. Not the cause, but rather how I can help. What soothes you, коханий? Even if I can't manage it all now, I'd like to know for the days when you're beside me.
I want to comfort you the way you comfort me.
Time and patience? I can give you all you need and hold you near until it passes. If you're willing to remain with me through all the turmoil to come, the least I can do is offer you peace in my arms.
Even if malaise hasn't struck yet, please, help me be ready to help keep you from overwhelm. From the wrong sort of falling! You should only ever feel the right sort; do you suppose I could give you that every day? Renewed falling, but never into sorrow?
[...]
I have a guess at why it might hang over you - your malaise - at least in this instance. Perhaps it's the same reason fretfulness comes over me when I think of the brilliance of you?
You seem to think highly of me.
[...]
I wish I could speak with you; somewhere private, somewhere that we could be alone and feel surety together. I want to see your eyes and kiss your hands. To tell you all you are to me. I think there's no amount of texting either of us may do to drive doubts away, but I know if only I could hold you, there would be no room for doubt at all.
Here, then, is my guess:
Nova, you are not an academic. This is true. Before I say more of you, let me say this: academia is no indicator of intelligence, capability, or a good personality. In fact, the opposite is so often true.
You are clever. You're intelligent. I read it in every word. You have such charming slyness, such sharp comprehension of the world. (And still, you face this terrible world with such determined optimism!)
You have cleverness in your hands, as well: to fix what's broken, to draw music from instruments I would be terrified to touch.
Nova, you're loyal and loving, as well, and these are so rare.
You stimulate me - ah, intellectually, here. But yes, the other way, as well. Anything I've felt necessary to explain has been contextual only. Have you noticed this?
I have.
You are brilliance itself, my Vevay. My boyfriend. 💙
If your malaise insists on ignoring me, well, I'll find other words to fill the hours until I can be with you and help you forget you were anything but
lovcherished for all that you are.2/2
[...]
You are some of the cause, after all. The solution to that particular agitation would make me forget all the rest.
For a few perfect hours, anyway.
3/3
You asked for more photographs of me, and you've sent so many of you for me to admire.
[...]
I've found two that you might like. I'm guessing at the things you appreciate -
Somewhat.
One is from dinner last night.
[ That's what he sends first; in the picture, Vitaly is dressed in a suit, though he had removed the coat by this time, leaving only a vest over a blue-checked shirt. He's seated somewhere out of the way, his long legs stretched and ankles crossed, giving a clear view of the hardened leanness of his body. What drew him from whatever this 'dinner' actually was is obviously some preoccupation with his phone. The vape he's using is probably just an excuse to take a few minutes to text. He's smiling faintly around an exhalation of vapor as though amused by something that's been said. ]
And two weeks ago, before the universe became beautifully altered from the addition of a new star:
[ This photo is obvious pandering: a gym selfie, his body cast in shadowy definition by overhead lights. Just like his back, his chest and stomach are well-muscled and tattooed.
(Oddly, his expression is one of disinterest, as though the photo is just something one does and not worth any kind of enjoyment or focus.)
As an afterthought, he sends another photo from the same day.
It shows Oleksei, Andrii, and Vitaly together in a gym; both brothers wear tank tops and basketball shorts, while Oleksei's clothing of choice is a t-shirt and track pants. All three appear sweaty and flushed; Oleksei is leaning against a wall and smoking a cigarette, which seems to be drawing no attention at all. Andrii is shouting - possibly encouragingly? - while Vitaly deadlifts what looks to be Quite A Lot. He's nearly at the top of the lift, teeth bared either in effort or at his brother. ]
1/2?
[ … ]
[ … ]
Saving each of those for my repeat viewing and my phone’s backgrounds alike.
Did you guess well at my appreciations fuck me that you did, and that’s you giving a man a course in how to fail his breathing three times over
You in that vest alone’s got me agitated my own self and all over again.
Ey but who you messaging with there, Talik? c;
Blue’s a good colour on you, saying it now, though I’m not sure there’s any wouldn’t flatter.
Added to which you’ve given your Vevay an eyeful of additional tattoos to think on tracing, aye slow in touch and leaning in to breathe you nestle at your skin with each, then a kiss for my Talik’s lips each time after.
Each time after and likely in between, mid tracing. Happens you’ve got lips to kill a man and asking to be kissed, on top of all else.
AlsoRight so for sake of curiosityJust cause I’m wondering say I take an academic interestAh fuck it, here’s the question: Just how much can you lift jesus shite
2/3
Aye, and can’t deny I’ve, eh, let’s say appreciation for the follow through on moral obligations where grand scale harm’s at hand. Grand scale or smaller, true, point being there’s causes of destruction can’t be borne.
No fault to yourself there being particular exemplars of bloodied malfeasance.
True to say I’m sure those exemplars wouldn’t see it so, but fuck em thricewise for thinking themselves above denouncing.
Eh, was going to else what else you may’ve writ, but I’ve got this power of web search at my fingertips, and my supposition’s you don’t make much a habit of aliases.
Related to the matter of nonexistent and existent aliases, fact is I couldn’t hold onto that query and put the screws to Senan David already. Makes sense anyrate, he in his argumentative philosopher punk glories, good for him and good for yourself both, that collaborating.
[ … ]
You ever meet his mother? Asking only as her name came up with Wilco, and you’d’ve liked her. Eh, anyone’d be hard pressed not to, and maybe what I mean’s I like to think you’d met her so here I’m asking.
[ … ]
Right so.
Thinking it’s not necessity telling you you’ve got me on that cause for my malaise. That’d be one of the mains, aye, far as causes go.
The others, eh. Likely you can guess their shape as well. Got a lot to do with why there’s not much else in the way of locales I’ve inhabited. Not speaking evasive here, only that’s another set of tangents and there’s the immediate for discussing now.
It ain’t strange to me, what you’re speaking. In logic’s terms, it’s no far stretch believing there’s a fair number of eh academics walking around head up the arse spouting nonsense. Open up a headline or fuck help me so much as catch a glimpse of any program purporting news, you’ll hear plenty from them on the daily. There’s cases where academic titling means mostly a shite opinion’s apt to be taken with a weight it’s no cause to keep. Case in point Ursula fuckin Hancock with her five degrees and a handbag full of columns for titling her malignance sound sense. Boggles the mind, it does. Or would were it not for knowing the loudest contingent of this fuck of a country’s its most rabid, any case. Fucking ‘Britain losing the next world war on account of it’s too woke to fight’ rot.
Aye, but logic and knowing’s one thing, feeling and knowing’s another, particularly in the, eh application to one’s self. Which I’d wager’s nothing strange to you.
Something for you and I alike to hold for one another, could be? Assurance where the self’s uncertain. Assertion for what circumstance and outside radges have played against. Malaise and moods’ve got no chance holding up against ourselves, I’m thinking.
[ … ]
A fact for you. That last message I sent, just after eh, first looking at those links you sent. Spent a lot of that one second guessing what it was I wrote. Deleted near as much as I let stand. Dwelt too long on what to say and how to say it, and whether I was, eh, putting on some fronting.
No fault of yours, goes without saying but I say it anyway. Fuck of a trip a mind’ll play on a bloke when it starts its gnawing.
Point I’m coming to is I’ve done none of that here. No rethinking and no hesitations. No falling to the eh jaws or maw of worry, and that’s a fast turnaround for myself, and credit speaks to you.
You’re a good man, Talik. Good in the ways many claim without reaching, speaking ‘good’ in ways more ought aspire to and work toward.
Good for your Vevay, that’s so. Speaking with you, thinking on you’s breathing fresh life and turns the world wider again, and welcoming.
Far as comforting goes, you’ve given that in spades already. Won’t say I’ve not got my self doubts still, but they’ve gone quieter. Significantly so. Hard for em to speak so loud when I’ve got your voice talking acclaim upon me, assuring all that’s well and drawing thorns out from my heart.
There’s that for you, as well, that you’re a good heart’s keeper, and better far than ‘good’ can compass.
Wouldn’t say no to your hold or your arms, and I’m in agreement with you there, that there’ll be no doubts left for knowing once I’m with you, near and up against you. Words’ll bat off worries, and it’s truth your words comfort me further than any speech or touch I’ve known before, simpatico’s what you are with me or I with you, but there’s much to be said for presence, eyes and hands and heartbeats.
Twelve days, Talik, twelve days.
3/3
Happens those hands have cleverness to show and spare, all for my Talik.
Twelve days, or twelve days and however long’s needed, and I mean to show you all these hands can do. c;
1/2
He knows what he did. ]
I don't think anything I'd like do to you would kill you.
[...]
Would you do something for me, Vevay? To help me make a point, nothing more.
On the small of your back nearer to your waist, there's a vine that curls upward but follows the curves of your body very well. It's magnificent artistry.
Would you trace it with you finger, please, to establish the sensation of it?
[...]
Or, rather, to establish what I mean when I say I'd like to trace it also. Lightly, with the tip of my tongue.
I think I'll grow very fond of that vine's taste.
2/3
Darius's ex-wife? Someone allowed her a public platform?
I've had the good fortune not to interact with her in years, but that horrible woman is the one who introduced me to Madeline. That sort of rhetoric doesn't surprise me, considering the source.
If anything is wrong with the world, it's people like her who use their voices to protect their positions of privilege. [...] A tirade from which I'll refrain. I think I wouldn't be saying anything new to your ears.
I never did meet Senan's mother, but I've heard nothing but good of her over the years. I remember how hard it was for him when she died.
For the rest -
I'm honored you feel soothed by me, and proud of you, Nova. My Vevay, how fortunate I am to know you and know that you take my words to heart.
I'd like that moment, malaise and reassurance, to be the shape of any sorrow you feel. If you'll let me, as I'll let you, be a reason for comfort.
[...]
You mentioned locales you've inhabited; it's no tangent. It's to do with you, and I want to know all of you if you'll share with me.
We can talk of anything you like, as long as I have words from my Vevay.
3/3
[...]
Do you want a serious answer, or may I say only that I can lift you easily?
;)
[...]
Honest answer? 205.
[...]
Kilograms.
1/3
You ain’t fuckin
Nay you can’t be
Fuckin mistake somewhere in here must be or I’m
[ … ]
[ … ]
I’ll [ … ] take a leap here and say it’s too much for hoping that the Ursula you’re meaning and the one I’m speaking could be other than the same.
[ … ]
Nay. The time fits right, thinking on it. She with her loud n proud platform these last four five years past sobbing on about the grand old English tradition xenophobic transphobic horse shite, not much a name hereabouts prior, not that I’d heard.
Knew Darius’d been married and split. Heard her name, might’ve done.
Hadn’t connected the two.
So much is what I get not tracking the goings and doings of friends, acquaintances, the like. Busy at the time and all, disinclined toward travel, but then that’s no excuse for lack of knowing.
[ … ]
Fuck me, but that’s rotten from her, and that’s wreckage wrought for you, Talik.
Small world it is sometimes. Small fucking world.
Would’ve been best for all setting the both of them to sea, let em sort themselves out one to one.
Only once your Sergiy came to being, mind. [ … ] I’ll give her that one thing, little credit though I’d say she’s due.
Devil take the both of the, Ursula, Madeline, and all their like beside.
2/3
[ … ]
205 kilos fuck you ain’t taking the piss and I’m
[ … ]
[ … ]
Fuckin lost’s what I am. Aye, well that’s no news. Call it a fresh iteration of a song I'm growin to know like my own marrow, got me queasy at the knees, shite.
[ … ]
Well. Photos and statements is one thing. No saying I doubt you but eh, for purposes of cementing into proof, well
Guess you’ll have to prove it, hey?
Before or after giving up the trace of that tongue.
Before or after I’ve given you my own, and aye, we’ve much to trail upon and linger over, turn toward combustion and its easiness to follow, arms in arms, yourself wrapped with my own.
Back to say, by way of showing, might be you’ll give your Vevay a lift, show how easy it is, just how flat ridic strong my Talik’s made hisself
🥴🧡??
Worth noting you’ve got me both blushing and shivered again. Worth noting as well, I’m wagering you know as much, and intended the very same.
Well played to you, Talik, well played and ardently approved, with a sigh, aye, call it properly a moan spoke to your name 🧡🧡
3/3
[ … ]
At risk of spillin overmuch in too small a time, or it’s true there’s no risk in it, not with you, I’m thinking.
[ … ]
Lived around Harrogate most my life, aye? Those early years took shapes nearer Essex, and there’ve been here and there months itinerant abroad, but those’ve been more rare than common, and my meaning’s I’ve made my life here and made my self known here. Won’t say there’ve not been troubles and won’t say it wasn’t a handful of scrapping early on, but I’ve got the troubling in hand years since, and for the main, folks around here’ve no quarrel with me.
Me being a man given to romantic relations regardless of gender, and me being a man who’s not always been called as such, and makes no secret of the facts.
[ … ]
Put it more direct, I’m a man, given, and I’m a man who’s trans, given as well. Small as this village is and its environs are, most folks here know as much and’ve come to accept its knowing. My knowing, aye. Means the road’s been not so rocky these last years, less immediate objecting to myself, more seeing me for the man I mean to be and am, have always been.
Not sure how I’ll translate elsewhere, is part my meaning and part my eh wariness. It’s nothing I ain’t equal to. Nothing not to be worked out or figured through, and I’ve no qualms about my capacity for this figuring. I’ve habits, might say strong developed talents of keeping up a front for those come bearing teeth to tear.
Just might need encouragement at times. Holding, aye, and reminding myself I ain’t so wrongheaded. Say it again, there’s knowing logically and there’s knowing in belief, and takes some time and working to unite. Meaning as well I know what I am and know the right in being it, the good in stating and showing it clear. Just sometimes crawl up into my head about myself and get a little tangled, aye.
You untangle me. Here and now you do, and have, and so I trust you will. Only [ … ] so you know, it’s not something entirely behind me.
Aye and related to which, can’t say I know how it’ll complicate your own affairs. I’d venture saying any media vultures given to harping on about the virtues of the het life might also take a dip to stances on the place of being trans, and taking partners with a man who’s trans.
Which I’d guess you’ve thought already. Bright man and thoughtful, that you are. You’d call none of this an obstacle, that much I believe and know with surety, only I’d feel [ … ] ill met, to reach for you without putting it clear, or clear as I can state it.
The rest of the malaise related’s got to do with experience spoke generally, about travel and traversing with those beyond one’s immediate countryfolk. Has as well to do with eh familiarity with money and its language or else its methods, which I’ll say and you’ve likely guessed, I’ve little enough to my counting. There’s plenty experience I’ve not had much brush with. Plenty I’ve yet to learn, and I’m not the least opposed to learning, but there’s knowledges and etiquettes I lack.
Also to say, there’s a lot of ways I might be reckoned less than, might be sighted as a target. None that I’d think in your holding, but your knowing the nonsense won’t stop others honing in.
[ … ]
That’s part of what I mean, aye. [ … ] And there’s the kids as well, and what I’ve failed in doing.
Figure that’s enough gloom or and doom for the moment being. None of what I’ve said here’s, eh [ … ] much I take to speaking regular. But fact remains I’d rather you know, have the heads up.
Be able to measure for yourself whether your Vevay’s worth theFact remains as well it’s true you soothe me, true you reach me where and ways no other’s near approached.
There’s no better ease for my heart than your words or your self.
And no better place, I’ll dare and I’ll say, for your words, for your self than my heart.
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