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kingdomsofrain2024-01-24 08:25 pm
onefellswoop) wrote in kingdomsofrain2024-01-24 08:25 pmtexts texts texts
this one is for texts!
onefellswoop) wrote in kingdomsofrain2024-01-24 08:25 pm
video!
Nova’s seated on a sofa, one leg curled beneath himself. Looking a little bit sleepy but terribly, terribly pleased. He waves at the camera, a gentle back and forth of his hand, as he speaks. ]
Ey, Talik.
Good morning to yourself.
[ There’s a moment in which Nova seems to be gathering his thoughts. Starts to speak, pauses, tries again, laughing slightly to himself. ]
Pressure’s on, hey? Naught but what I’ve put on my own self, fuck me I’m not one for nerves often but there’s something I’d thought to say and there’s my thoughts gone racing to the wind, or what I mean’s I think of you speaking ‘morning’ and I think you hearing it from I and…
[ He’s smiling to himself as his eyes drift away from the camera briefly, hand rubbing at his temple then running through his hair before Nova snaps his fingers, points upward and looks back to the camera with a pleased grin. ]
Got it! Oughtta’ve been clear as day, or it is, long’s I can keep from daydreaming for half a minute.
Watched your vid five times over, I did. Good to hear your voice. Good to see you, and fuck if I’m not charmed fifty more times over with you every watch.
Here’s a truth for you: When you said it ‘yes,’ after that brother of yours asked’s the video for your boyfriend. …Maksym? Maksym.
Aye, and then you saying it, there with Dodo, ‘my boyfriend.’
Stopped my heart sharp, that’s truth.
Stops my thinking, recalling on it.
You asked is it all right and I’ll add to that asking do I want it, and the answer to both’s aye, and aye again.
I’d like to be your boyfriend, Talik. Like you to be mine.
That’s, eh, chłopak speaking Polish, the which I’m mentioning as it looks to be or eh looks it could be similar, speaking Ukrainian. Like I said, working on that. Point is ‘boyfriend’ suits me well and I’d like it.
…Fuck me. ‘Boyfriend,’ that’s good to say.
[ A lift of his eyebrows, brightening of his grin, and Nova extends one hand toward the camera, palm up. ]
Ey, be my boyfriend, Talik? Let me call you so?
[ His hand’s at his hair again, ruffling, and Nova looks to the side, first biting his lip, then laughing softly, shaking his head before looking back again. ]
Couldn’t help myself, there. Overcome, that’s what I am, now and again and again. The effect of you— My Talik.
[ He cants his head slightly, expression inquisitive, now himself seeking approval and at once feeling the stagger of those words. ]
My Talik. Christ alive, what you do to me.
…Shite. Right, right right right, best keep moving or I’ll have you here an hour and more. Not that I’ve argument against it, only eh your sibs might hunt me down I keep you from them too long, aye?
So fair’s fair, you show me yours I show you mine. Can’t intro you to anyone really. Nobody but mi’sen— Eh, fuck, myself to introduce you for but I’ll give you that tour, yeah?
Right so. Main room.
[ He’ll stand and give the camera a slow scan of the room, which is cluttered but kept clean, everything in its place even if that precise place is clear only to Nova’s mind. The camera pauses as it slides to a folding chair and a cello, a stand with sheet music set beside it. ]
There he is.
[ There’s movement now, the camera rustling and nearing the instrument, then Nova’s hand reaching out to gently pluck a string. ]
Eridanus, or Erid.
First I had, that one was my aunt’s, she’d called it Aquila. Figured it’s only right keeping on the constellation convention. And there’s something to be said for music played as water flows, but I've no talent for speaking it as it ought be spoken.
Anyway. Erid. You’ll be hearing from him, aye? We’ve got songs for you or eh, a song at the least, though being honest you’ll find it tricky stopping me once I’m started in.
[ A quick turn back to Nova, who winks - not an exaggerated wink in this case - as he speaks. ]
Hazards of having myself for your boyfriend, aye?
[ The camera resumes its scan of the room, and Nova continues speaking as he takes Vitaly through the small storage area, bathroom, with a glimpse as well of the bedroom, the tidiest room in the place. ]
Not so bad at all, this place. Lucked in on it as, right, see the lady owns it’s mum to a couple blokes making their way in the wide world of Burn Bridge. Had me out for fettling a houseful of fucked wires, happens they were pleased with the work or the chatter or I don’t ken what, but it was them put me onto this place. Sort of a garden shed turned rental situation, aye?
She ain’t bad, the old lady. Mrs. Milburn’s the name of her. I take care of plumbing, electrics, general repairs for her, yardwork sure. Cuts down on rent and she leaves me mostly to my doings, gives rein for fitting it out as I like long’s it’s in code.
Beats to shite the last place I had, leaky it was and moldy no matter the fixes done, and landlord was on my arse 24/7 over ‘the caterwauling,’ which I’m guessing’s the cello though the neighbors said naught about it and claimed to give nary a damn.
No troubles playing here, praise be to fuck.
[ Throughout this telling, he’s interjected comments about the scene around, pointing out a window that catches the late afternoon sun just right, a blanket knitted by a fellow musician, a corner where he caught a mouse just the other day, then set it running wild outside, noting he’s counting the days before it shows its oversized ears again.
He’s reached the kitchen now, and here he zeroes in on an old crayon drawing stuck to the fridge. It seems to depict a house and four somewhat distinguishable stick figures, two smaller and two taller, all holding hands. Nearby there are flowers and trees and flowers on the trees, and there’s something clearly meant to be a cat with maybe a bright pink bow at its neck. In the paper’s corner, a sun shines bright rays, and there’s what might represent an airplane or a bird or just a crayon’s focus gone astray. Here there’s a sound from behind the camera, what might be a throat clearing or a way for filling space, and then— ]
Might be you’ve figured, but this, eh— This’d be one of theirs. Nicky and Liza’s, sat down for drawing it together. Roza’s got one like it, made a little later on, but—
Right.
[ The camera resumes its movement, heading back to the main room. Nova’s quiet for a few steps, then— ]
You asked what’s beautiful outside, and I’ll get to there, but for what’s beautiful within, it’s what you saw just there.
Erid’s a close second.
[ The camera’s turned back to Nova, who’s leaning against a window frame, nodding toward the yard outside. He speaks next in a hushed voice, drawing verrrry slightly back against the wall, as if to be covert. ]
For what’s beautiful outside, and since my boyfriend’s taken it on hisself to nix his own visage from the answer pool—
Aye, caught me there Talik, and before I’d even said a thing! Your name being out the pool doesn’t make you any less stunning, that’s truth, nor’s it change the way your voice reverberates through me, sits and stays within me.
You’ve a hell of a voice, Talik, but then like I said, you’re a hell of an everything.
If I’m on the hook for saying something else beautiful, here, over here. Quiet-like though, no good spooking em.
[ The camera’s turned to look through the window, where there can be seen a birdhouse and fountain, as well as a feeding platform. A number of small bright birds hop around on the platform, pecking up seeds and bits of fruit. At the fountain, a bit removed from the rest, a magpie perches and chatters to itself.
It sounds as though Nova’s about to speak, then there’s a sound of pleased realization, and the camera returns to his face. ]
Talik, here’s a favor. Put Dodo on a moment, got something to tell her ey? Show her just as well.
Dodo. Ey up Dodo! It’s Vevay, that’s your dad’s boyfriend aye?
[ There’s Nova waving at the camera, then there’s a scan over the yard, then back to Nova. ]
See this here? Anytime you’ve the bug to dig a hole, got plenty of yard waiting for your paws here. Well eh, not so much yard, happens, but it’s ripe soil for digging, that’s so.
Okay Dodo, here’s me letting you back to your business, and asking you to please and kindly send my boyfriend back!
Talik, you back with me? Talik? Okay, back to birds.
[ And the camera’s back to the yard, and the birds still going about their bird business on the platform and fountain. ]
Put those in a couple years back, so we’ve been getting visitors seasons-round. Pretty little things, they are, and there’s worlds in their communications. The one with the yellow head there, just dropped a seed, that’s Finster. Then on the fountain, the magpie? That one’s Sharpe, favors walnuts and egg, left me a bottle cap the other day.
…Don’t know they count for beautiful. But I do like watching them birds, and nay, I’ll go with they’re beautiful. The magpie’s feathers, never seen a purple like flickers from them.
[ Turning the camera back on himself, where his eyebrows have gone raised, and he can’t suppress what might just be a shit-eating grin. ]
Ey, Talik. You ever hear what keeps corvids stuck together in flock?
[ He lets that sit. Lets that sit. Then— ]
Vel-crow.
Aye, and the hummingbird hums cause it don’t know the words to the tune.
[ There’s another wink, then—
Well. The briefest pause before Nova sets his fingers to his lips, then flicks them toward the camera in a gently breezed kiss. ]
Speak to you soon, my Talik.
Thinking of you always.
1/2
My Vevay, I can’t respond right away this morning; we’re moving things for my parents.
I would have more time, but I watched over and again, then showed Dodo. And my siblings. And my mother, which led to questions.
Quickly though!
Yes, yours. Your Talik, your boyfriend, your anything. Yours, yours, please, let me be this. My heart knows the rightness in it. Seeing you, hearing you say my name, seeing beauty through your eyes, I
FuckingI have to go do this before Andrii has a fit, but after, I’ll say more. I had to tell you, though, because the look you gave-
I’m yours, Nova.
2/2 - Several hours later
We would be done completely, but they want to go out for dinner and we all need to shower. So, I’ll shower last in the coldest water because it gives me time with you, eh?
Don’t worry; it will be nice. It’s hot here today. Summer months, climate change, and so on.
I am, by the way, still yours.
[…]
How can I say anything to do this video justice, eh? Look at you, perfect and silly and somber - how much life there is in your home. History and sadness, yes, but the things that give you joy, also.
Do you think we could sit together someday by the window with the good light?
Maybe outside, where I promise to be quiet so I can see your birds for myself.
[…]
Something more I want to say: if there are hazards with you, that you love music isn’t one, and I want whatever else there may be. (I think the only real hazard is that you haunt me, that longing is gathering close in my lungs and aching my chest.)
I could die on the sound of your voice alone - and be revived again because that voice spoke my name.
[…]
You asked about the word for ‘boyfriend’; it’s similar, yes. I’ll say it for you when I see you - or in another video.
[…]
One thing more, this a courtesy of Sergiy:
Why does Mozart hate chickens?
Because they say “Bach, Bach, Bach”.
1/2
My Talik, my boyfriend, the only hand I want here in my own.
Only man I want beside me at the window’s best light, let me see the way it strikes you and then keeps you, holds you, let me see and have that image always. Very like a photo, all for the taking on my self.
Only man I’d like to be out watching birds with, and no worry about quiet or convo, the ones come around most know my face and voice, won’t scatter once I’m there and happens they might get to learn your also. Eh, Dodo they might take fright from, but Dodo’s got precedence over the birds, who can always swing by later.
Say IRight so just a thought experiment like or nay, not that at all andSay we’re out watching the birds, sat [ … ] side by side, yeah? (Had to take a moment on that thought alone. Just to sit beside you, that’s it’s own euphoria, something simple and not simple in the least.) We’re there watching birds or really just watching our selves, and say I were to lean a little over, just eh, set my head against your shoulder. Sort of rest it there.Is that all right, do you think?
I’d like it, is my meaning.
Ey, see and we sit like that long enough, let the sun pass down, might spot a hedgehog or two as well. Cute little trundlers, them.
I’d like very much to sit with you here, and elsewhere, anywhere at all. Like to be with you wherever you go, that’s a truth unceasing. [ … ] Might bear saying I ain’t attached to keeping in Yorkshire for all my days. I’m here because it’s what I know and where I’ve been and I like this place I’ve got now, but it’s no environ I’ll wither apart from.
Just, eh, information for filing aside, might be. Should there be any curiosity upon the point.
Here’s information for your self, as well as an answer to a prior query. I’ve rehearsal a couple hours out, and there’s no small chance I’ll be sharing that video around some. People’ll be curious, and I’ve no wish for keeping mum on you. Been talking about you as it is. Been caught fixed on your messages, prodded back to earth and into playing, so what I’m saying’s plenty of em know of you.
There’ll be drinks tonight after, a clutch of us typically go out. Gripe about the principals and the conductor who’s been up his own arse of late, let gossips give their gossip. Last we did drinks, earlier this week, I talked of naught but you and couldn’t tire of it. May’ve chatted some ears off, but then I don’t get the sense they minded.
Well. This night, I’ll call you as my boyfriend, and they’ll know you as such. c:
Also goes for saying, I’m, eh, I’d say pleased, but truth’s more like honoured, warmed in heart by your sharing that video around. Knew you’d show Dodo, never doubted for a moment and I’m pleased she got her message. That offer by the by stands infinite, or for long as I live here. Mrs. Milburn’s got no arguments against holes long as they’re filled in after, and that easy work.
Questioning go all right, Talik? Eh, Iryna, right I went and messaged her, she spoke something of it. (Said a lot of things, she did. Your sister’s an intense one, no shaming meant in that at all and fact is I’d say the opposite, strength to her in her approaches.) Seemed it went all right outside, so more what I mean’s you all right after the questions?
Something else your sister said, about you holding a line, keeping hush what’s mine for speaking. [ … ] I appreciate that. Likely you can guess as much, and I’d not’ve been vexed if you’d spoken further, figure your fam’s solid for trusting. Still and all, it’s a kind of [ … ] or I feel it like guarding, guardianship. And that warms me all over again.
You are a beautiful man, heart and mind and body all, and I’ll say it so long as I feel it’s so, which means you’ll be hearing it always, no help to be had for it it’s simply truth.
Here though, dense question but knowing my own self and knowing the way google’s fucked itself, your sister said I can go ahead and call her Irisha, eh the exact putting of it in Polish was ’You can call me Irisha.’ My question being, is the case that I, eh, call her so in direct addressing only, or as well in referring to her outside her say presence? Sorry to put the question you, just I’d prefer getting it right as I can and keep my own foot from my mouth where possible. Truth to say I’m a bit wary I’ve done that already by proposing Polish, not sure how I came off or it I made it sound she’d not be capable of working through the English, which I know ain’t the case.
Well, eh. Sometimes I do step in it, that’s sure.
!!! Shite, before I go forgetting! You and your Sergiy got me with that chicken joke there. Well played to you both, and likely I’ll be spreading that around the rehearsal as well as the fact of my boyfriend.
Ey, here’s one for the lad. Mozart’s most known as a Classical composer, but the sad truth is he died Baroque.
And another, with what ornaments do composers adorn their lawns?
Metrognomes, of course. c;
2/3
Well and for the records, I’ve no grudge against that slipping time. It’ll fly whilst occupied with thoughts, words, and videos of boyfriends, aye? And the swifter it flies, the nearer New York waits. Calling those time slips a benefit, then, and I thank you for them, Talik.
Right, so you’ve said there’s life in my home here, and I like that, like to try to keep that. Bears saying though that there’s life in your own, and moreover that there’s life in you yourself. Talik, looking at you, thinking on you’s like glimpsing at a beacon, shining all the brighter for the fog’s clouds that’ve caught around you, yes? Aye, and there’s more to it, because that light’s as well the sort of glow a candle gives, soft, poignant, no less magnificent nor riveting than the central focus of a wildfire.
Majestic and sustaining, that’s your light, or happens there’s a part of it.
[ … ]
It fucks me off that you’ve been handled with such disregard and outright malignancy. That the heart of you’s had cause for hiding. That you’ve been driven back into that fog.
Won’t linger on it. Only it’s well past unfortunate. Well beyond fucking unfair and ill given.
What I ask’s you let me keep reviving you. From any murder my own voice might give, that of course, and from whatever past hurts I can beat against. What I promise is I will. Revive as fully as I can, and just as often.
Revivify and Vevay’s not so far apart, aye? Happens you came upon the ideal calling for myself, or one matching my intent.
Here, let’s rise you up out of that haunting straight away. Because nay I won’t have you strangled and there can’t be so much haunting when your boyfriend’s only weeks away. And reaching closer every day, ah fuck me, every minute.
There’s no need for ghosts when your Vevay’s yours, hey?
No room for ghosts, when you’ve your Sergiy, your Dodo, your family, your Vevay all.
We’ll get all things healed, my Talik. I’ve belief in you and I, in us.
3/3
Ever since you spoke it first, got me thinking of my Talik in the shower.
Liable to knock me senseless all over again, shite.
Right! Running off!
[ ... ]
🧡🧡
no subject
no subject
While grinning to himself and yes laughing again yes he is permitted! ]
No worries there, Talik, and I'm ahead of you.
Got a nice steamy shower in this imagination of mine. Only seemed fair! c;
1/?
Not that the cold really detracts, but[...]
[...]
🧡
[...]
🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡
Iryna's right, I'm behaving like a teenage
But Vevay, I love you so - as I've never felt for
It's been a week. One week.
But we've said so much, I feel I've known you for a lifetime
Do you believe words are enough to inspire love
What if you don't care for me
What if I'm not what you hope
[...]
Thirteen days. Less than this.
2/?
[...]
I don't mean to hide you, or us. I intend to deal with her in New York
where she can't avoid me.after the wedding. I don't want to disrupt anything for Darius.I have absolutely no idea what I'm going to do, of course. [...] I need to look in to some matters of legality around Sergiy.
[...]
Well, none of this is important just now.
Please, tell your friends, show them anything you like of me. I meant to say I had thought to caution you, but instead of worried, I feel strangely that someone - that you! - would be so pleased with me.
Surprised, perhaps.
Have you seen yourself? You must have, at least once. You must know you're beautiful. [...] Handsome, there's the word. Handsome. But beautiful, also, in every word and gesture, in the stillness of [...] well, three of your photos. Two of them are very unstill - but even those show your vivacity.
I don't understand what makes you pleased enough to share my existence when it's you, Nova, it's your brilliance and life and strength, that which I've seen only in glimpses through messages. I've seen only the shadow of you.
This alone inspires me to be better. I can only imagine what I'll feel at your side.
Why are you sharing news of me as though you're proud? Tell them I'm proud to know you. Tell them I said that you are the music of my soul, Nova. Tell them I'm fortunate for having known you a week, and that a life with you is as incomprehensible and desirable to me as heaven.
[...]
It could be that I find no appeal in myself or men who look like me. I prefer litheness like you possess, the soft sharpness of your body.
But really, Vevay, I think you might overestimate me.
3/?
4/5
To those who call her Iryna, you should use 'Iryna'.
[...]
She is calling you Vasha, but I wonder if she asked first, or if you told her it was acceptable? She oversteps.
For your record: If she calls you Vashka but doesn't let you call her Irishka, she's being rude. It's very familiar and [...] how you call a child if it only goes one way.
'Talik' would be rude if I hadn't offered it first. You see?
And also - no, she wasn't offended by your request to speak Polish. She knows her English is atrocious and was relieved you wouldn't both be struggling.
5/5
I suppose you're in the shower with me if you're able to imagine all these details so clearly.
There, my Vevay. That's a thought for senselessness.
I'll have to avoid it while sharing a bedroom[...]
[...]
I don't need to tell you I immediately wished to call those words back again, eh?
[...]
[...]
The thought is a distracting one. It's difficult to fret about how little you might like me when I know you're entertaining those ideas.
...Are you really?
No, you're only teasing
...Are you teasing?
It does provoke a different sort of worry. I hadn't considered it worth my notice when this was all still academic.
Some of the academia has become actuality, though, eh?
[...]
[...]
It's not anything worth immediate discussion.
But there's one
I should ask you
[...]
If you [...] were interested. At some point, of course. Not the first or even third time we should meet, or -
I fucking hate talking of thIt's only that I test regularly. Or I did, before marriage. And if you wouldn't mind doing the same...?
It'sI don't [...] like them.
Oh, for god's sakeCondoms. I don't like them.It isn't a demand! It isn't anything I expect, or need, or consider necessary!
[...]
[...]
Nevermind. Please, ignore this one. This whole wrong-headed fucking message.
1/2
Talik
Shouldn’t be like this for you. Shouldn’t have gotten to be like this for you
[ … ]
Talik. I speak about you with pride because I am proud of you. I’ve got pride in you, just as well.
Ey look, you’re here speaking of brilliance in me and inspiration, and fuck if it don’t feel real good hearing and aye, I’m pleased I can give that to you, it’s my want to be that for you.
It’s no one way phenomenon, though, is the thing.
Speaking with you, this with texting, I’m seeing the world around and all the road ahead gone bright again. It’s you bringing prospect, ah, potential from what’s been sodden. It’s you bringing brighter colours than I’ve known into the world.
I speak a word, I feel its vibrations in my throat.
I read a word from you, I feel it slipping nerve to nerve down to my centre.
I’ve vivacity all my own, give you that, but even Vevay’s, eh fuck’s the phrase, French, joi de vivre gets worn down by time, circumstances, name whatever’s around.
You bring that back to me, the sparking at those edges.
All of this and here I’ve seen only the shadow of yourself. All of this, and haven’t you been living your own shadow for a while now? And still, Vitaly, still all of this above, and more besides.
Who knows what you’ll be when it’s not assault on surrounding fronts, hey? Aye, and even should what you’ll be’s somehow no more than you are now, jesus, you’re still a man beyond any I’ve met or any man there is to find. Which is to say as well you’re more than any other being drawing breath. Truths I’ve caught through these messages alone. Truths found where your heart speaks with mine, to mine, hey?
Here’s this as well. Since we got to speaking, I haven’t spent half my nights oblivioned to high heaven. Haven’t walked myself into despair from whence there’s no returning for the day. Told you early on, aye?, that I’ve malaise. Haven’t felt its sting so sharp this last week, and there’s an alleviation I’ve felt with no other person.
Truth is I’ve not felt alone in the least, never mind the long nights and everyone gone out from town. And aye, I’ve got belief now, strong and certain.
My Talik, you think so little of yourself. No fault of your own. No fault not brought about by every tempest come upon you. Look, aye, I’d like to bring you pride in me, but where the pride for your own self?
Do your Vevay a favour, hey? Think about what’s good in you, and what good you’ve brought to bearing in existence.
Your Sergiy, that’s vital. A world of his own brought by yourself and nurtured by your caring, aye? Your scar and all it’s come from, the protector you are and’ve been. How well you’re a friend to those near you, the devil hisself knows Darius Scarlett can’t be an easy one for keeping, and there’s meaning that he knows you still, meaning as well that you’ve kept with him and his spats of shite.
You’re an intelligent man, and principled in ways you can put to speaking, ways you’ve put to action. Ways well beyond blind believing or adhering to ideals you’ve not thought of nor lived. What you think and what you say’s attached to what you are, aye? There’s many folks can’t claim the same, and it’s a trait I call admirable.
Happens I just recently told Sen as much, that I admire you. Not idle words, nor feelings, nor without basis given my your self.
Right and take these messages of ours. I’ve seen you, Talik. Both the ways you begin to bury what you’ve said and your own meaning, then the ways you call yourself back. Looks very much like upending impulses toward denial, and I’d call it overtaking fear, or else not letting it keep rein. You’ve been bold, aye, and that’s no light task for anyone who’s had cause for burying their meaning, burying their selves, the way you’ve had.
Well and look at you. Not to go shallow in speaking, but gods you are a handsome man. (Aye, and it might be worth noting my own tastes look nothing like myself, and everything like you. Trust your Vevay, ey? One look at you and I’m staggering.) (Thinking on that shower, you in that shower and that’s a one hit KO three times given.) (Fuck me, you set my blood to running.)
All of that’s speaking only a part of what you are to me, what’s in you I witness and what’s in you that brings me pride, astounds me. Fucking wonder of a man you are on all fronts, and I’ll say it long as I have breath for speaking or, eh, fingers for typing. You’re worthy everything, that’s so, and you are yourself sublime.
I’d like for you to see it in yourself. Someday, aye? We’ll find that for you, Talik. I’m set on it.
[ … ]
Fuck me, break’s ended. Got more message for you yet, so you wait for your Vevay, an
Couple of quick points also so’s not to leave you guessing
1, I get myself tested between partners, always aye, clean bill of health rn and all
2, There’s nothing I’m going to nevermind, and Talik, you’ve done no wrong asking
3, Fact is you are a very fuckable man to my eyes, and fact is as well I should like very much to have you, which is to say fuck you and make love to you yourself once there’s no harm of breaching contract
4, No rush ever, but christ alive you’ve got me knowing my own desire
5, 🧡🧡🧡
2/2
Right, so. Right.
[ … ]
Fucking radged with her all over again, and any of em treated you as[ … ]
What you’d asked, and my saying there’s nothing wrong in it. First to reaffirm, aye, there’s nothing wrong there in the least.
Condom or nay, the way I figure it’s safer testing than putting jesus’s hands to wheel. It’s be in your right demanding tests if anything’s to follow. Not to say you did demand. There’s nothing of the imperative in your speaking.
[ … ]
Worries me some, your thinking there may’ve been. Or what I mean’s it’s maybe telling, and I’m thinking that worry didn’t come out from nowhere. It isn’t your saying nor your thinking worries me, Talik. There’s nothing you can’t say, and that’s me speaking truth and invitation both. It’s only there’s reasons a man gets to thinking he can’t ask one thing or express a wish without panic settling in.
Aye, again, that’s no fault put on yourself. Worries breed a life of their own, wherever they’ve come from. Bears saying as well there’s nothing you can say that’ll send me off or drive me from my feelings for you. I’ve never been so capricious as all that.
Here, and even setting aside matters of safety and precaution, there’s nothing so much in what you’ve asked. Sex without a condom’s fair enough for asking. As it happens, your preference meets my own. Won’t say I’ve not fucked nor been fucked with condoms, but it ain’t my preference.
Even were it that, my preference I mean, there’s nothing harmed in asking. Not for that, nor for anything you’d like, aye, even if it sounds to yourself eh outrageous or extreme. That I said above holds here as well, that there’s nothing you can say’ll ward me off. (Short of suggesting you’d like to full on murder me, but I’m taking a wild guess and saying that ain’t your style.) (Clarification’s sake, it’s no wild guess and nay I don’t believe at all that’s you.) (…Also clarification’s sake, it has been said to me before. Won’t say I don’t enjoy it rough, but that’s as is said a bit far for my liking. :/)
Anything I’m lukewarm on, I’m usually game to try, and am good to talk about it beforehand. Anything that catches me with a hard no, I’d let you know, and talk about that also.
Whatever you ask and whatever you speak interest for, there’s no blame for you and no anger off of me. All that’s in existence is open for the talking, that’s truth.
Worth saying also I think, there’s no harm no shame either any time worry or say panic does arrive and speak itself. Those’re impulses take years to settle into quiet, and sometimes they never do hush up entire. That’s all right as well, Talik. Never a rush with anything, aye?
Truth.
Here and on this about worry, something else maybe needs to be said or I’d like to speak it, this about hiding.
I get your meaning, and I appreciate it, hold it dear. Thing is there’re some situation hiding’s a needless eh ‘dirty secret’ kind of meaning. Other situations, and I think you know which ours is, it’s down to preservation and lives tangled beyond fairness. Some secrets need keeping a while, and true it ain’t ideal, but true as well it’s necessity and it’s no final state of being.
Think it less hiding, more preservation for Sergiy, hey? Which means as well readiness to take what time’s necessary. I’ve got you and you’ve got myself throughout whatever’s to come across whatever time, and in the end we’ll have ourselves entire and out loud to any’ve got ears eyes or feeling.
Until all’s settled and secure and legality’s determined with your boy, there’s no injury in keeping secret.
[ … ]
Full disclosure, I’ve told Sen how I feel for you, and he knows the feelings not kept one sided. Asked him to keep it quiet just for now, and credit to the man, he knows where to keep words in quiet.
Far as my speaking goes with these I’m set to go drink with, we’ve got no worries from this group. Been at these convos for years now, and nothing gets beyond those present. Eh, save could be to partners, but most of them’re involved and the rest lack context anyrate, and’ve been sworn to secrecy. What we’ve got here’s sort of a sacred trust, aye? Can’t go badmouthing the orchestral powers that be if anyone’s got loose lips, that’s a fact known to all if nothing else.
My meaning’s I’m not going fast and loose with anything regarding yourself and I. Not for lack of wanting to, fuck knows I’d be pleased to sing it to all ears, but for the fact there’s lives at stake here, and more precisely your son’s and your own.
[ … ]
Something related. Something maybe I’m nosing overfar into, but I wasn’t sure of speaking it til I’d heard eh more a legal perspective.
That contract, aye, between you and she? [ … ] Fuckin sorry to bring up, wary the talk’ll be troublesome for you and ey Talik, no need to speak on it or read if you’ve no wish to. But there’s that bit you spoke of, a clause maybe, her being freed to whatever relations while you’d keep faithful, and you spoke something of her denied her eh right, aye?
[ … ]
That last there. Was that in the writing? Or I mean, eh, was the condition of it in the writing ah fuck, you don’t need to go telling me, sorry, sorry, eh, here. Here’s what I mean, no questioning needed. If there’s a condition written in, her being free to her relations long as there’s nothing going on between you and herself, it’s maybe worth looking at again. Given that, eh. Well. Given Sergiy.
Means there wasn’t nothing going on throughout, aye?
Course I don’t know the writing of it but eh, the group getting drinks, one of em’s a cellist, also happens to be a lawyer. Spoke with her some, vague terms but enough to ask the question, enough to hear some response. And depending how all’s writ and what lawyer’s lean toward and whatnotall, might be there’s been a breach of contract already and on her end. Might be there’s been breaching for a while now.
[ … ]
Like said, don’t know whether that’s anything, and if I’ve eh gone or spoke too far on this, fact is I’m sorry and fact is as well I don’t know sorry’s enough to cover it. Might be [ … ] something of hope in it, and I didn’t want to speak it without checking there’s at least that chance.
Probably here’s where I should end the message, eh. In the event I’ve done the foot to mouth maneuver or eh. Shite, I don’t know.
But it’s also for saying you’ve my thanks for that about your sister. Irisha, then, speaking here with you.
And likely you can guess it, but I’m cherishing those hearts of yours. Showed em off a few times, just to those around me, decent folks, verified.
Added to which, I spent the second half rehearsal thinking on that shower, and I’ll thank you very much for that.
Right. Heading off to the pub, phone coming with, and all my thoughts here yet with you, where I'd like them and I mean them best to stay.
3/3
Then, fifteen minutes later— ]
Right so. She says you'll want to have another set of eyes on this, American based if you can find em and I'd guess Darius has a few if no one else, and maybe a Ukrainian set as well.
But. Right, Ridley, eh she's this lawyer in question, she does work internationally, keeps up on eh nuances and
Fuck me.
Sounds like you've got a case here and then some, Talik.
That is, the way it's written or from what I'm hearing, Madeline's been breaking contract since the first eh relation she entertained after the two've you had yr own relations again.
Aye, and Ridley says there're some other details in there worth reading over with fresh eyes. More pieces not fitting right after what's gone on. Don't know as she can say much more but [ ... ] Talik, aye, might not be so much uphill fighting after all.
1/?
[ Assuming Nova does, he immediately sends enough to keep the pub tap flowing for the night. ]
Buy them all a round on my behalf. My thanks, and maybe - maybe, hopefully, please - something celebratory.
I'll let you know soon.
2/
I'm waiting still. Darius may be sleeping or fucking or whatever he does with his time now.
What Ridley says, I hadn't thought of this.
Please, don't judge too harshly: I didn't care what the contract said. I wanted to be away from her, that was all, so I told my lawyers to handle it. I signed, I had the general idea of it.
Of course they would have written it to aid me, I expected this, but I [...] grew so accustomed to its existence that I didn't think about how Sergiy would change things.
How you would change things. How the world may change in a week.
[...]
I have a question I want to ask a lawyer in the States in addition to questions of this contract. It's something I wonder because of the war, because of laws here.
It's complicated.
[...]
I think what she did, taking him from our home, isn't legalWell. Something to ask Darius.
[...]
I'm frightened to speak any sort of hope about this.
She could still take him and disappear, I might lose him because she feels threatened, I[...]
Hope for me, коханий.
мій зірковий.
3/4
Read this only when you're through with your friends, please. I dislike monopolizing your attention - truly. I want you to have a nice evening. We will have time for one another.
A lifetime, I hope.
First, thank you. Thank you for showing your friend, for opening a door in the wall.
Thank you, as well, for speaking all of this to me. (A reiteration here: I would rather you put this energy toward your friends just now. Please do focus on them, yes? For me, have fun. Gossip. Drink. Tell terrible bird jokes.
Please. It would make me happy to know you're having fun.)
And thank you for everything else. For existing. For being Nova, and my Nova, and for taking time with me. Having patience with me.
[...]
I wonder how many people have told you that I have [...] a bleak outlook. Iryna did, I know she did, because she doesn't
shut the fuck uprefrain from talking about it. Senan, then?It's worse than it was before I met Madeline, but I've always been [...] unquiet. It never goes away entirely, and I don't believe it ever will. It's simply...how I am, with only how I respond that makes a difference. I try to keep myself calm and not give in to the flashes of panic or [...] anger. Or dread.
My thoughts have almost a physical weight; sometimes it becomes difficult to breathe. I never feel quite at ease with others unless I've had a drink.
Or I know them, but even that's no guarantee of comfort.
It's only with other people. Only talking, guessing, trying to sort out what's right, how I should be, how I can be if I'm doing nothing of use. Left to myself or left with a goal, I feel [...] stable? No. Neutral, that word. Like with buoyancy, neither floating nor sinking.
The strangeness of you, Vevay, is that I don't always feel neutral in the silences between your messages. I feel doubt in sharp, sudden bursts, because this is strange. You and I are strange, how quickly we've [...] fallen.
For myself, how deeply and completely, like I've settled into some place that was always meant for me.
The doubt comes when I remember only a week has passed, and these things aren't possible. Shouldn't be. This is how hearts are broken, the kind of thing people mock for foolishness.
But I don't feel uneasy when you speak to me.
Not once have I doubted what you tell me. I'm not a gullible person; I'm more likely to distrust now than I was before, but I don't doubt you. You're as certain to me as breathing.
What I mean is - trusting you came as automatically as breathing.
When you see these moments of apprehension from me, please know it's only that I questioned the existence of air.
[...]
You quiet my mind in ways no one ever has, Vevay. It's as though, instead of shouting over the chaos, you slip under it and lift it away. I can see the lack of reason, the irrationality of my thoughts, but I don't feel ashamed, not berated by you. I don't feel disappointment from you.
Only a calm, certain faith.
[...]
I've only known you for a week.
And also.
I feel I'm known by you better than those who have been in my life from its beginning. You can reach me where no one else ever has.
Maybe one week is enough.
4/4
We can talk of places where you might like to live. [...] If there is somewhere you happen to share with me, please know that I feel it's necessary to have a birdbath and your head on my shoulder. Hedgehogs, as well.
My arm around you, if you let me.
The questioning from my mother was as you would expect. Where did I meet you, where are you from, who are your parents, etc. I told her only what I felt was reasonably her business. The rest is your own to share. It is guardianship, yes; it's also [...] not appropriate for me to tell people certain things about you.
...It's not safe to 'out' other people here. I don't do it, not even to my family. Talking about your family might have led to that conversation.
[...]
Sex, then.
I can [...] try to answer you.
It's easier if I think of it only as honesty with you and not as [...] being obscene. Somewhat.
It's also easier with vodka.
I have no trouble talking about this in person, or with sex itself; it's seeing the words I've written. Evidence that I've been 'vulgar'.
[...]
I meant that the condom wasn't a demand. Testing isn't optional, but it seems we agree on that matter. I mean to go this week. I don't have any expectations of you; I simply have healthcare here. I don't have health insurance in the States. It's best to do it now.
I have no interest in murdering you or anyone else except the person who said that to you.
[...]
[...]
'Rough' is vague, коханий.
Brutal? No, I won't be able to [...] accommodate you. I don't leave intentional wounds. I don't draw blood.
[...]
But something I've learned, Vevay, is that one of my hands can hold two wrists like yours in place against a wall. Or behind your back. I'm aware of a lot of possibilities that arise because you are so much smaller than I am.
I would never force anything on a lover. But 'forceful' is a different word, isn't that so?
It's a type of 'rough', like the way 'fucking' can be a type of 'making love'.
[...]
I prefer to go slow, forceful. To use my hands and bring my partner over and over, soothe them, excite them again.
There's nothing I wouldn't do for them, within reason.
...Nothing I wouldn't do for you, Vevay.
With someone like you, I take my time so I can feel everything. Every tightening and shiver. How a moan fills a kiss. How my lover draws toward breaking, then burns bright with release.
[...]
'Rough' could also mean 'fast and hard'. That's good sometimes.
Slow and hard is much more fun, though.
[...]
I'll say one thing more, then put my phone down and pretend I didn't type any of that, eh?
I want you, Vevay, in every way I can have you. I want to make you forget any hands but mine. When you're away from me, I want you to feel breathless when you remember what I did to you.
мій коханий, I doubt so many things about myself, but I know where I won't disappoint you at all. 🧡
[...]
The problem is texting about it. :\
1/?
[ … ]
How’s that for death and revivifying, hey?
J e s u s.
[ … ]
Jesus shite.
Got me with that, you did. Blood roiling tenfold and fuck me but you bear self surety with beauty itself.
Eh, surety and otherwise alike, only I mean to say you caught me out from nowhere with that.
Christ but you make a man go dizzy.
Send your star beyond astral.
[ … ]
Let me be that, your star, Talik.
Ey, and don’t you go forgetting! There's nary a way in this world, in any world counting you can disappoint me.
[ … ]
For record’s sake I’ll take the slow, the swift, and the soothing all.
Fuck. Me. Running.
2/?
Just now, got some pics to send. The crew sends their regards, aye, and their thanks for the drinks. Haven’t had a night like this in an age, that’s sure, and sure as well there’s plenty needed it.
You’ve got their fondness, Talik. I’d say you’ve got my own, only that’s given at this point, and anyways pics’ll show more than I’ve words to put just now.
We’re getting your Sergiy back. We’re getting your self back. That’s all certain and set upon.
Have to bring you meeting all this group sometime, I’ll cover drinks thereabouts aye. Aye and ftr, you may know myself as still reeling entire from those messages of yours, that last and every other.
And chrissake let it be known you’ve no trouble texting in least, or at the least your message’s got no trouble speaking through.
[ A series of photographs follows, post-rehearsal musicians in varying levels of intoxication and exuberance, many of them toasting the camera, some giving a thumbs up or an ‘ok’ sign.
With every image, Nova sends a brief caption offering names and instruments played, sometimes with brief highlights regarding the figures involved, sometimes with transcripts of whatever was being said at the time or with messages from those pictured to Vitaly, thanks for his largesse or/and luck with his endeavors or/and entreaties to take care of their Nova hey.
Most of the pictures were taken in haste, figures blurred in the background, some of the musicians themselves not quite held in focus. The pub around is clearly busy, and the atmosphere looks nothing short of celebratory.
Among the pictures are several including Nova, most of these taken and passed along to Nova by other members of the group. In one, he has his arms slung along a man and woman, all of them engaged in singing the chorus to an unnoted song. In another, he’s leaning precariously back in his chair, eyes fixed on the ceiling, grinning wide. Another shows him staring at his phone, eyes wide, smile speaking at once surprise, approbation, and anticipation. In this picture, there’s a flush to his cheeks, his hand’s caught halfway to his face - as if he’d intended to cover his mouth or rubs his jaw and been arrested partway through the motion - and he seems to have forgotten precisely how to breathe. With this picture, the caption reads simply, ’One of em caught me reading your message, aye you know which one. Not going to pretend there weren’t a few whistles following that. No pretending either they weren’t right to do so, nor that I didn’t half appreciate it. Sayin it again, Talik, you’re a marvel of a man, is what you are.’
The final picture of Nova, and the final image sent for the moment, is a selfie. Him with his chin propped on the knuckle of one folded hand, smile fond, expression still a mingling of stricken and smitten. The fingers of his hand are extended slightly, as if in the beginning of a wave, and his eyes are fixed on the camera, seeking Vitaly. The caption here reads, ’Thinking of you, now and always, christ alive.’ ]
3/3 BUT NOVA IS NOT THROUGH WITH U
My night sky and my day's break with a heart bettern gold.
Fucking honoured, I'm honoured hearing all this of you, and knowing your belief.
Feeling like, aye, I'm thinking you see my own. Faith in you, that I've got right through my bones, and that I'm keeping always.
You're a good man, that's so, and you're the man holds my affections, calls my affections to you.
[ ... ]
Shite, there's much wants saying but thing is I'm myself not entirely sober is the thing, and here I'm giddy to top it off, sets me reeling off past what middling hold I've got upon coherence on a good day.
That's you sending me giddy by the by, no fault and all laudation to you
I'm not through with words, my Talik. Give your Vevay an hour or so for sobering some beyond this here pub here, and there's more to come your way 🧡🧡🧡
1/2
He’d forgotten entirely - and intentionally - how much he prefers men despite how his interest in women has dwindled to nothing over the years. Has he ever been interested in women at all…? Never like he feels for Nova, at any rate. He wonders briefly, though, if it would matter if Nova was female, or if he still had those 'components'.
Well. He doesn’t think it would. But he’s finding he’s glad that isn’t the case; he’s finding he’s thrumming with his own eagerness for what is becoming more and more likely.
He nurses his second vodka of the night and thinks, yes, he’d like to fuck Nova, but - not running. The thought draws a small, closed-mouth laugh from him.
Vitaly lingers on the last picture, brushing his thumb along Nova’s cheek and jaw, letting the pad rest against his fingers. With a little effort, he can imagine the contact of skin against skin. ]
I don’t think any ‘running’ will be involved, коханий. The rest, I can do for you.
I like the look of you blushing; if I can draw it from you in person, I’d like to feel the heat against my lips.
[…]
I’ll stop there. I’m working myself into a state of longing that won’t find relief for some time. Even solitary, temporary relief is out of the question with perpetual cold water in the shower and my brother one bed over at night.
Better to focus on this other photo with your lovely eyes somehow fixed on mine, somehow seeing me across the miles. Now I have a second screen for my phone; I like to change them, you know. So today, you and your remarkable eyes are my lock screen, and Sergiy with Dodo is the background.
My reasons for happiness, the three of you.
[…]
I’ll never tire of looking at you, Vevay.
And please - don’t sober up. Enjoy your night. Have fun and worry about words tomorrow.
…There are things we’ll need to discussWe have all the time in the world, коханий. I’m certain of it.
2/2
For now, know that things have been set in motion, and it may be that so much sooner than “someday”, we -
Oh, Vevay, you can’t know how profoundly it shuddered me, to see you speak of Sergiy with “we”. How it filled me with such tenderness for you.
How well you care for me, for us, and without asking for anything in return but my heart.
Thirteen days. Thirteen, almost twelve, and I can say everything that burns inside me - to my Nova.
You may well be the hero of my story, do you know?
3/3 An Update
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