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kingdomsofrain2024-01-24 08:25 pm
onefellswoop) wrote in kingdomsofrain2024-01-24 08:25 pmtexts texts texts
this one is for texts!
onefellswoop) wrote in kingdomsofrain2024-01-24 08:25 pm
4/4
Had to work through the rest to get here, or I mean let the rest work in myself. A lot going on, that’s so. A lot that wants space for breathing, and I want that space for it myself.
So.
First, no faulting you for holding ireful tongues about her. I’ve got only admiration, approbation, keeping civil for the sake of your son. There’s much to be said for protecting him and keeping solid ground under his feet. That’s a guardianship isn’t to be slighted or downplayed.
Then that about anger, like you said, or like-ish. That there’s no use holding anger that’s got nowhere to go. I’ll subscribe to that and so I do subscribe, aye. I’ll count myself all for an inciting spark, but some ire’ll only eat you inside out.
[ … ]
My worry’s that for all you wave aside anger at those who’ve wronged you, you’ve no similar dismissal and not much grace for anger toward your own self. Sounds that you’ve been gnawing your own wrists for years now, Vitaly, and that’s where I stake my objections, that’s taking it beyond accountability and into flagellation, yeah?
Guess it’s worth asking if that gets you anywhere. I don’t mean that as rhetorical, nay, take it an honest querying. Put otherwise, do you find it’s helpful dwelling among, calling castigating on yourself? And what’s the damage it does to you, what’s that damage worth?
Accountability’s laudable, accountability’s necessity. I’m with you there. But that’s a piece of the fighting only. [ … ] It worries me you’ve kept so much inside.
…Shite, don’t mean to make it sound as though you’re doing naught. Take here, by example: Hasn’t slipped my notice, that you’ve come out from every apparent effort toward veiling, or toward setting cause where it’s [ … ] simpler to bear or to behold.
That’s a lot, all on its own.
And it’s clear and becoming clearer you know yourself well, Talik. Knowing your own size, your strength and your capacities. Seeing how careful you are with your son. Hearing you speak of yourself [ … ] though there I’ll say again, not sure you’re giving total credence to your strengths.
Not many see what they are, even in parts. It’s a rare and an invaluable quality, or so I call it.
[ … ]
Something more, only for the moment.
[ The next photograph was taken in the midst of what appears to be a game of hide-and-seek, perhaps melded with some version of tag. Toward the right of the photo, Nicky’s ducking behind a tree, looking backward, about a disappear into the brush. At the corner of the screen there’s the half-blurred form of Liza, apparently darting from one hiding place to another, perhaps to join her brother, almost certainly giggling and trying valiantly to stifle said giggles. At the left, Nova can be seen pulling an exaggerated expression of consideration, his gaze fixed toward a point in the horizon, as if he cannot for the life of him catch sight of either child of discern where they might be! ]
[ … ]
Feeling I’m lacking reciprocation here.
I’mIsn’t that ITech’s come a long ways these past years, and [ … ] well yeah, there’s the [ … ] trouble of time intervening. Nicky and Liza having been with us [ … ] largely before recordings on phones were an option.So, right. Something else as well, for my own voice, for my own self, a little less static.
[ … ]
In case said voice is repellent to yr ears, yeah?
Probably worth noting I’ve an inexorable habit of snoring. No hypothetical, that. Been a bone of contention in the past but eh, not much to be done.
…Fk. Right. The vid.
[ What follows is a video taken within the last couple of years, in what might be a pub or some makeshift karaoke staging. The night’d been warm, heady with oncoming summer and sure, more than a few drinks, and Nova’s poised with hand uplifted, finger pointed toward the skies and a scarf around his neck. There’re words to begin with - his voice perhaps deeper than might be anticipated, and marked unmistakably with the West Riding’s cadencing - greetings toward the crowd and requests to shhh shh hush down, to take a seat settle in because there’s a long and fruitful night ahead yet.
The words are followed by the opening half minute or so of a rendition of The Backstreet Boys’ ‘I Want it That Way,’ and include Nova swaying, half-dancing with abandon, if not with particular skill or precision.
Perhaps of note: He has a habit of running his hands through his hair and down his sides, and it’s clear that he’s not unaware of sporting a notably admirable ass. ]
That’s that for that, anyway.
Don’t judge too harsh, yeah?
1/3?
You dance like he does.
[...]
For the sake of his pride and my own continued peace, if you would please not tell him I said so: you are far more attractive.
In many ways, more attractive than anyone I've seen by far. [...] That freedom and simple nature, we spoke of it earlier? It's beautiful to see in you. You are suffuse with it. Alive.
Maybe judging you this way is still harsh, though! It needs balance. Vevay, how absurd and what poor taste in music!
[...]
But no, I don't believe that. I could even forgive and come to like the song because it's in your voice.
...How does someone so small have such a deep voice? Where in the world do you keep it stored?
2/3
People can survive "deviancy". Maybe with violence and broken ribs, but survive. People don't survive -
Well. Nevermind that. You know this, and don't need me to say it.
[...]
Please, let me tell you instead - I told Darius. When I was twenty-two, twenty-three. I told him and even knowing his tastes, I was fearful to say it without adding very quickly that I still feel attraction to women. Darius, whom I trust.
I only mean that I understand. I wish I didn't. I wish you also had no cause to understand.
[...]
May I be honest, without giving any offense or insult?
It isn't anything to me, your sex. I wouldn't be ashamed to walk down a street with you, or be seen [...] [...] in your arms. I think I would be proud to be beside you; look at your kind heart. Look at your sensibility, your tenderness, your joy. Look at your ass.
A wise man I know said: Christ alive.
Yes, and there is - a supposition. [...] If, someday, you would want to know me better than 'well', nothing you bring to that conversation would be a mystery to me, or surprise me, or have inept attention from me. I know how to be attentive no matter the components.
...I can't speak for myself now, but I used to be very good at paying attention.
Your gender is no matter, either, but I do like the man I've met. That you are a man feels [...] integral to you. Something beautiful.
I feel -
Words for another time.
3/4
How could I?
Ignoring that would be the worst crime I have ever committed, and unforgivable.
[...]
Unforgivable, still, that I can't answer you, no matter how much I may wish it.
'Lost' speaks of alone and of sorrow; you need that other important piece, yes? To be found again?
[...]
I hope someone is able to find you soon. I hope they work hard as they can to make the finding possible - that you aren't waiting long. If you are waiting, they should hurry, and be sure happiness fills your life so that the wait was worth every moment.
They should speak all the words you deserve to hear- all the words they have to choke to keep silent.
I'd like that for you. As soon as it can be.
For them, until then, they have a [...] guiding star. A comet blazing across their sky. It's sure to lead them to you.
...Whoever it is. Of course.
[...]
Do you understand me, Vevay?
4/4
Dodo.
We never know what she's chasing. Ghosts, maybe.
Friends in her head.
Someone's old sandwich.
Are you certain you want to meet her?
1/3 (?)
I understand, that is, and I don’t warrant it’s wishful thinking on my own part.
No clarifying necessary, no clarifying asked. I hear your meaning and I hold it.
What I’ll say is there’s no cause for this someone to hurry beyond reason or into risking compromise. What I’d wish is for both someone to find me with all their heart’s joys secure.
That comet’ll be burning for them, no mistaking.
I’d like to be found again. That's so.
And I’d like for this someone to know themself found just as well. Found, kept, and treasured.
I have faith in them on this count. Got faith in myself on it too.
2/3
Not eager to invoke his ire, for one thing, nor to call it on your self, and not certain his Puppy wouldn’t commit a homicide on his behalf. Nor would I say Darius is near my liking attraction-wise, no fault on him. Prickly shithead, that one. Less the devil than he plays at, though you need no telling on that count.
Glad you had him to speak with. Twenty odd years or however long you knew yourself’s a long time for keeping silent. A long time for knowing hostility all the world around you, eyes everywhere preachin of deviancy, aye, and unwholesomeness, all manner of words for dressing up what’s always vitriol, fucking dehumanization.
[ … ]
I’ve always known the man I am, or I knew soon as I found myself framed otherwise. Felt the wrongness of it like I’d break apart, did break apart each day. Like fuck was I adhering to what only ever broke me.
Hence my landing in Yorkshire. Ain’t where that first shell of a family was based, but it’s where I’m rooted, found the way to my own self even if it ain’t the likeliest place for it.
A fact is it matters, you calling calling that part of me beautiful, what’s integral to this existence of mine. Being a man, that is. You’re going no further toward proving yourself a brute speaking words like that.
Holds meaning as well that it ain’t your only focus. It’s key to myself that I’m the man I am, but it’s never the whole picture, yeah?
Here’s a truth. A man like you would amplify each element of living. Would bring color to a world.
Noting I say ‘a man like you’ when the truth’s there’s only you, and no one like.
And another truth, I’ve lived this long holding a dreaming hope, I figure I can get along a while on belief fully grown, hope given reason and grounds to flourish on.
Given words, as well. Whatever’s held unspoken, what’s said is itself already a rejuvenation. And there’s much comes through apart from speaking, aye.
Talik, your honesty can never bring offense. As regards insult, eh, I’ll allow some room for it, seeing as insult’s more in the reception than the giving, long as the speaker’s earnest, as I believe you are.
Anyrate, how’m I to call offense when you speak like that?
When you put to language precisely what I’d like myself. The holding and the being side by side, and here as an addition, daydreamer as I am, I’ll be frank and say I’d like to hold your hand. Any time at all including whilst walking, all the skies above us and all the world ahead.
As well I thank you very much for acknowledging that ass of mine. c; Takes work, it does.
Worked for a lot, sure. Worked for [ … ] my components, and for record’s sake and knowing, I’ll say what I have now’s not what I began with.
Worked for my voice just as well. Been a while living with it now, and still it warms the heart to hear it noted.
A point connected ish, I’ve no defense about my taste in music, nor’d I think to give one. Lost shame in it long since, and any rate that’s what they call the tip of the iceberg. Well, and give us some credit, for I can say with truth I’ve never sung to ‘I Touch Myself.’ Which I’ll take a leap and say you’ve seen in performance yourself.
Your speaking, though. There’s so much you speak to perfection. Words like healing to my heart, and a fact is you listen closer, clearer than most. See what a man is, aye, and hear the pieces of him asking notice.
Isn’t hard to believe you’re attentive. Attentive in all manner of circumstance, aye, and I try to be so, my own self. With listening. With [ … ] what’s sensual.
[ … ] Been a while then since youI know it’s not a need or wish for every body, making love regularly or making love at all, but the sounds of it say a how long’s it been dry spell ain’t to your askingDoesn’t cease to amaze me, Vitaly, the ways people’re ignorant to their own bodies. Not saying I know my all myself, though circumstances being what they’ve been, I’d say I’ve no meagre familiarity. But what I mean’s I look after preferences toward pleasure, known and otherwise. And I take it as necessity and pleasure both, finding a lover’s wants just as well as my own.
That attentiveness or the attempting toward goes for matters unrelated to eh [ … ] the fire and flares of passion. I want to know what’s true, what matters and what counts for anyone I’m keeping with beyond a night (and even there, one night stands or whatsoever it’s called, most often I can’t help myself asking questions). Curious myself, like yr Dodo. Bit less prone to shoving my face in sand, though.
Point being, I’d like to be attentive with you in every way I can, every way existing. I’d like to know you through and through, Talik, and that’s the fondest truth I know.
3/3
Can’t fault a pup for seeking or for curiosity, hey?
[ … ]
Like to meet your Sergiy someday, just as well.
Do you see him often orAnd at risk of overstating the point and not caring an iota for the risk, I want to meet you.
Happily, looks as though that’s bound to happen, and New York’s far from the worst place for a first face to face.
Can’t come soon enough, I say.
1/?
I won't be able to arrive until the day before the wedding, unfortunately. There are things that require my presence [...]
Things.
My parents. They're [...] displaced by the war. I think it would be for the best if they emigrate, they think I have lost my mind, I think they are old and stubborn, they think I'm enthralled by America, so on. They have been staying with Oleksei
and I think he might kill them soonand are trying his patience.But yes, I will be in New York for several weeks. I'll be able to visit with Sergiy.
I'll be able to visit with you, as well? If we meet at the party and don't care for one another, no awkwardness at all; but if we do, maybe [...] we could have a drink together.
In a bar, I mean, on a different night.
Friendly drink.
Not a date. Of course.
It doesn't have to be a drink. Only I'd like to spend time somewhere we could talk.
[...]
If you plan to stay for a while?
2/3
[...]
What you say about wanting to be attentive to me: I understand your meaning, and somehow it feels more personal than if you had asked me about sex.
Maybe it's the lack of that kind of intimacy, of knowing anotherWell. I agree, one should want to be so to the person who finds them. Attentive. Nothing should be more important than the ones to whom you give your life. Your partner, isn't that so? And your children.
And parents, though they drive you maIt doesn't eclipse everything other in the world - not entirely. Of course, friends and work and leisure all deserve some measure of time and thought. But I wish my family to come foremost; it's the sort of husband I imagined I would be.
And I will speak ill here, only this once: I was heartbroken that it was taken from me. That chance.
[...]
Maybe it wasn't, after all.[...]
A dream of mine, as long as I knew I wanted a family, and nevermind whether it would be a husband, a wife, a spouse: to be good, and loving, and attentive, as my father is.
I wished to be the best of husbands.
And married the worst ofI shouldn't speak of it attached to talk of you.
Well, but I have, anyhow.
3/3
God knows what words may come rushing from me.
I am trying to be blind to some things you've said, but they draw me back again, again. There's no blindness when it comes to you; how your light burns away the dark. How your being demands my focus.
How you invade thoughts with talk of sensuality and lovers.
[...]
How a heart could be invaded, as well, if someone read every word without blindness.
[...]
[...]
May I ask questions? If I do, will you tell me if they become too impertinent? I talk of myself too much; I'm making myself sick.
Or - tell me what you would prefer to avoid with speaking, because I wish to know everything about you.
[...]
I [...]
No, I am very curious, academically? Truthfully so.
You say - for knowing! - that you don't have what you began with. What [...] does that mean? I thought you meant you had your [...] [...] what is.
Top surgery.
But I can see that, so I already know.
[...]
You mean a prosthesis?
1/2
[ … ] Come to that, you thinking of basing yourself in the States, then?
Rancid situation though and all, fucking invasion. Think we’d’ve grown out from war long since, but then look around at minging pricks seen on the daily and it makes an arsed up kind of sense.
Can’t figure it’s easy on your parents or any more so on yourself. Shite.
Sorry, Vitaly. There’s trouble enough to go around without full on military action.
[ … ]
Your parents, what’re their names?
To the rest and I mean back about New York, happens I’m planning on a similar arrival. Going direct to that mess of a party after a swing by the hotel. Half waitin on this passport to show itself, been adamantly informed it’ll arrive within this week. Half it’s there’s a performance the day before that day before, orchestral that is and not so big a matter only I figure I did the work leading up, may as well play. Eh, well, and I enjoy it.
Right, fessing up, nerdiest thing I do’s play cello. [ … ] Might be nerdiest thing, guess I can’t judge myself on that and nerdy itself’s a subjective notion. Listen to classical shite, that too. Always did enjoy Saint-Saëns though Vivaldi can hisself right fucked.
Returning toward the point, I’ve not set and certain schedule, but planning a couple weeks at least, could be more depending whether there’s work calling from home and what business turns up in NYC. Well. And as well, depending who might be around, and open to drinks or whatever getting together.
I’m speaking of yourself, course. Would I like those drinks, the answer’s absolute and certain. Thoroughly as I’m enjoying our messages, figure some solo eh one to one speaking’s due, friendly drinks and whatall, and I’m banking on not finding your self repellent, seeing as we’ve spoke so much already and I’m not an ounce put off.
Count on it, Talik. We’ll have ourselves some conversations. Nothing to prevent a man entertaining discourse, aye?
Shite, and right pleased hearing you’ll be seeing your boy. Going to take him out, give the lad a grand adventure? Iirc there’s meant to be a zoo somewhere. Sergiy into creatures and whatnot? Whatever it is you do, I’m betting he’ll be thrilled.
Another key question I’ve got it will the esteemed Dodo be traveling with you, and might she be game for tagging after you for drinks or such?
And while we’re on about question, my invitation’s ask anything you like. Unless you’re makin a point of being a flagrant wanker in your queries, which I somehow deeply doubt, there’s no risk coming off impertinent. Happens I’m an open book, or try to be, and there’s nothing I’d call outside bounds for asking. Might be there’re questions that take a little time for responding, but an answer’ll always follow. Aye, for at any rate.
Right you are that top surgery’s long set and sealed. Fucked those things off years ago. Bottom surgery’s my speaking up above. More particularly phalloplasty’s what I mean.
Finished with stage 3 back about a year and change, and it’s been as much a godsend as the world can bring about. Isn’t for everyone, nah, but fuck if it doesn’t do me a life’s worth of good.
Eh, here. If it’s to your interest, I’ll set you up with some sites. Links. Obvs can look around for yourself, aye, but then there’s loads of shite takes and misinformation out there. Lot of opinions based off old information not accounting for what’s progressed. Lot of the bog standard demonizing as well, to the shock of no one.
[ Here, Nova does include a number of links to articles on phalloplasty generally, some more detailed medical accountings, and a couple stores of personal accounts. ]
Apologies if it’s a bit much, and no pressing you to read any of it. Just if that interest’s academic for a fact, there’s something to look through. Shite, as well, my sending all that’s no cause for stifling questions. If you’ve anything more for asking, you go right along with it. It’s no discomfort for myself, and fact is I like speaking of it, particularly where I like the person sharing the discussion.
Particularly where I trust that person, by which again I of course mean you.
2/2
Reprehensible, I call it. Reprehensible it is.
Reprehensible, she herself or at the least her acts, though I’ll still my tongue on speaking that thought further.
Everything you’ve got for giving, everything you dreamed to give, and it was mangled piece from piece.
[ … ]
The wonder is you’ve got your heart remaining. I mean to say broke as it’s been wrung through, still you’ve got it in you, and still it’s clear it guides you. Speaks through all the burial’s been brought upon it.
It’s a strong sort of heart, strong soul that endures so.
Vitaly. Talik.
I get the sense you’d be a fine husband, and that’s underselling it.
Fact is I’m in agreement your every point around attentiveness and where focus, energy, like, goes first.
Fact is I don’t doubt you’d be as good as equal to your words.
Like to be there, now, where you are. I’d like to hold you, aye, and I can’t think there’s ever been a man nor in need of holding, nor more worth such hold.
Fucking sorrowful, I
[ … ]
Look. Put it this way. If there were a man with eyes on a comet, aye? And if that man’d seen half of what you’ve been through, and spoke with half the heart of you. I’d be very much inclined to twine my arms around him. Sit like so, long as he was amenable, long as he might need or like.
Not so skilled with hypotheticals, that’s me. But maybe my meaning found its way through. Or else you saw it, never mind the twists around what’s said.
[ … ]
Anyrate.
Life’s long yet, aye Talik?
Might be you’ll have the chance to be that husband still.
I’d like to think that for all the cruelties in this world, there’s kindness just as well. A balance against all that’s awry.
You’ll get there. Only hold on and believe it.
1/3
informationsarticles that you sent. I truly do mean I'm interested in the academic sense. I've never heard of phalloplasty.It is [...] a very particular thing to know about.
Also, before I answer-
You play the cello! I'll confess I'm not familiar with classical music as much as I should be. My parents prefer jazz, blues. Nina Simone. They blast jazz like heavy metal. Sergiy, though -
If she has done nothing for him but thisHis mother insisted he hear classical music even before he was born. So, if you meet him, he can talk to you of Vivaldi and I can nod along and pretend to understand, eh?[...]
Maybe you could share with me what you like best. Tell me why, and what I'm hearing. An education?
[...]
I say 'if you meet him'. It's only caution; I'd like for you to meet him eventually. But with him, I'm cautious. Always, no matter who or what.
It speaks nothing of you, or my mind about you.
But much as I feel I can trust you, what if you
A few dates first, and then we could
[...]
Here, let me bring this again to your music. Is this what you do for work? I'd like to hear you play. It isn't 'nerdy'. I may not know classical, but there are musicians who play music familiar to me, and I've liked that very well. [...] And I like that there is so much to you. Singing, and cello, children, a wife-now-friend. Intelligence; casual speech but cleverness.
Vevay, you may be flawless -
[...]
No, not flawless. Wrong word. [...] Without equal?
Peerless!
Well, the compliment isn't so effective with trying to find the correct word, but please, take it anyhow.
2/3
[...]
Their names are Oksana and Petro, for anyone else but Sergiy. (Baba and Dido, respectively.)
Ah, and I have siblings. Nosy siblings. My brothers, Andrii and Maksym, one older and one younger. My sister is Iryna, between me and Maksym.
You should be warned now, in case - well. In case of anything. My entire family is full of questions and hard faces, such that it feels interrogating, but all of them are very sweet when their curiosity is satisfied.
Except they hate Madel...Perhaps it was a signThey didn't care for my marriage. Though maybe it was because they liked the man I dated before her a great deal, and liked her much less.
So no need for worry about [...] anything. If you were to meet them. Open books don't have to worry.
What else, what more did you ask -
Dodo will come with me, yes. She travels with me and I hire people to watch over her if there are places she can't go. Sen has mentioned his new [...] protégé? He has a sister who will watch her this time. For the party. Esma's dog would be a problem.
Have you met her before? Esma?
Okay, okay, I'm reading this now, and will say more after.
3/3
You have a [...] [...]
You remember the button on shoes, the Reebok? Pump and they tighten, hold and they loose?
You have a shoe pump.
[...]
If it were most any other piece of the body, I would ask to see.
Does this hurt?
Eh, eh, wait, could you choose how it all looks? And you can remain up until whenever you like?
That seems very unfair.
Not that I'm complaining about my own components - I'm satisfied very well with mine and wouldn't care to sound ungrateful - but! Some men would kill for that opportunity.
Well, maybe it's fair, after all, with you not having one in the first place...
Hm. I'll allow it's more fair than not.
[...]
Remaining up until whenever you like seems just a little like cheating, though.
1/?
Simone herself was trained classical, aye? Beautiful work, hers.
You mentioned music familiar to yourself. What’s that look like? Or eh, what’s it you’ve an ear for?
Can’t call my playing work, not so much though wouldn’t I love if that were so. Get paid here and there, pit orchestras and ensemble gigs mostly. The symphony’s a volunteer basis, and anything beyond’d ask more time to my own improving than I can give.
Or’ve figured how to give. Truth be told I could stand to devote more time to practice, less to mucking around with gaming and E, but day jobs’ll get the best of me. Wears on a man, that’s so.
Paying work’s mostly through odd jobs. Got a reputation hereabouts so people come with what they need. Otherwise I do some electrical work, some repair. Some with lighting rigs and boards. There’s also the work more aligned with Darius & Co., which is talking for another time, but I know people who know people who know where things’re found, aye. Used to do more auto maintenance, but worked beside one too many sackless wankers leading in one too many injuries to hand and wrist and it got to not be worth the risk.
What is it you build your days of, Talik? Work or otherwise, not bothered one way or another.
And back to the music, fair warning’s I risk running deep in the weeds any time I start on recommendations and eh explanations. Glad to do it, that’s sure, and truth is I’m keen on sharing it all with you.
Saint-Saens I’ve mentioned, and there’s Dvorak up there for me, with a fondness for Kodaly’s sonata and for Glass done solo. On the inverse side, anyone speaks Pachelbel, I run. …Would like to, anyway. Trouble is that’s a fav for wedding gigs, and that’s where peak payment lies.
Asinine piece of music, that. If one can so far as call it music.
Not the point, right. I’ll send along some links, performances like, you can watch em as you feel or else listen?
Like to talk with your Sergiy about music sometime, that’s sure. [ … ] If the time comes, or when that ‘if’ should come to pass. [ … ] I don’t mean to be pushy on the point, yeah? Like to meet him sometime, very much would, but at once I’m aware there’s no good rushing. And you’re right keeping caution with your son. That’s nothing save sensible. Admirable, aye.
He play anything himself? Or [ … ] right, truth I’ve got no sense of when kids start playing these days hereabouts, let alone across the seas so can’t say whether that’s askin ahead of times.
…And that was me sayin ‘these days’ like I’m all the advanced age of seventy chrissake. Sounding like Senan himself. That’s me meandering near out of hand as well, so I’ll lead this part of my messaging to a close, but.
Final note for this one. I’d like to play for you, that’s a truth. Happens I was planning on bringing the cello with, seeing as I’ll be a few weeks away at least, and I don’t like going long without.
So, eh, if you’ll allow and yr time allows. Maybe there’s another opportunity for some visiting.
Fingers crossed, as they say.
2/3
Seems nice, maybe? Seems a lot, as well. Glad you’ve got them, if nothing else, long as it’s not all tearing your hair out over em. They Ukraine based or out in the States, or where? You get on with them all right?
[ … ]
Occurs to me, or rather it’s been occurring to me or I like the notion, you might like to meet Rozalia sometime. You’d like her, I think, and she yourself. She’s a level minded one, right sharp, and she’s the sort’ll take not a moment’s worth of nonsense.
Like you to meet Liza and Nicky as well, assuming they’re everIf ever I’m back in contact with the kids, might be you’d like to meetShe tells a good story, that’s also the truth.
I’ll thank you and I do thank you, noting that about your family and that boyfriend past. Goes a long way to setting some questions quiet. Hypothetical though the need for any such questions might be, aye, still I like to count myself prepared.
Can’t say I fault their disliking
Well. Would’ve been nice having their support behind you, I’d warrant
Do they know what she
Sen’s protege, Blake, is that the one? Didn’t know he had a sister. I owe that man an apology or two for chatting his ear off, never mind it was Lolly said the boy could use a friend or however in fuck the wazzock put it. Lucky sister, spending quality timing with the Dodo.
Lucky Dodo, not spending time near a Boyle’s dog. Fair play, I’m told one of em’s not the worst, but what I hear of the rest’s been enough to send me ducking for cover. Managed to avoid meeting Esma or the other, something with a W, thus far. See if I can make it past this get together as well.
[ … ]
Speaking of.
[ … ]
[ … ]
Something Sen mentioned.
Full transparency, something I asked after and he answered. Might be worth mentioning maybe, and likely you’re aware and all, but eh [ … ] came up that [ … ] your wife’s liable to be at that party.
Don’t know if that’s, eh, [ … ] [ … ] liable to cause difficulties for you? Or likesaid, might be you know and maybe it ain’t my place to mention.
Just from the sounds of it I’m thinking maybe she’s not said a thing orIt’s no trouble on my account, of course. Only eh. In case no one’d said, figured someone should say, and all.
3/3
Bless you for a saint or and an academic through and through.
Not that I doubted you would read. Only [ … ] it’s not often any take an interest, yeah? Beyond asking after what it’s all about and expressing either ‘aye that’s well’ or ‘fuck of with ye.’
Isn’t to everyone’s taste, that’s a truth. But then I make a point of sorting out the chaff as I can, nixing the need for any more, eh, disconsonant reactions.
Can’t say I’ve heard it likened to a Reebok pump. Won’t say you’re wrong about the likeness, or that you didn’t crack a laugh from me. Sure, it’s something like that. The device part of it, which I find I’m glad for. Adds something to the experiencing, aye?
For what it’s worth, I try to keep honest about the time it’s kept up…
Mostly, any rate. c;
The function helps do the job. Doesn’t hurt for self soothing processes, either.
There’s an amount of choosing the look, aye. Depends some on how much can be taken from a grafting and the site it’s gleaned from, and how much eh mass you’ve got at said site. Suffice to say I figured I’d try to keep proportional, aye?
Rest assured were it any other part of this body, I’d’ve shown you already. As it is, had to remind myself it’s not so refined to send photos of the thing.
Might be sometime you’ll see for yourself. Might be sometime I’ll witness your own satisfactory componentsThere’s no pain to it, not beyond the surgeries and healing spans. And the good that stems of it’s a far sight better than what I knew or felt before, if you ken my meaning.[ … ]
Don’t know if I’m bein too direct in all of this. Tell me if it’s discomforting or eh coming on too strong, aye? It’s brilliant what’s technology’s got to, is the point I’m getting toward here.
And a year-plus in, I’ve got a solid handle how to wield it.
1/2
[...]
No, no, don't change yourself for my sake, or any other's! But I'm trying to be respectfully academic about your shoe pump and you're talking about self-soothing and solid handling of wielding!
I'm not uncomfortable - only scandalized by the unexpected.
(But of course I read all of it. It's part of you, and you shared it with me. Did you think I wouldn't be ravenous for any detail about you? I want to know you. The more I do learn, the more I want to know.)
[...]
[...]
Well, you opened the door; I'll ask what I'm curious about but can find no way of asking delicately.
Surely you've handled at least one other, so you know generally how they work. Is it different? How your body responds compared to [...]
Verne is a bad example, only because I don't want to hear about Verne's dick and then see him in New York afterward.
Someone's, then. Another man's.
And -
You took a graft from where?
[...]
[...]
Are you only not sending a photo because it isn't a "refined" thing to do?
What a highly suspect thing to say after talking about self-soothing.
[...]
I'll confess something to you. You made me laugh, as well. You, this conversation. I feel I haven't laughed in a long time, not like that. Not [...] freely. Not with humor or happiness.
I knew that part of myself was strangling, not just from one thing or another, but the sum of it all.
I didn't know how much it had died out, or how good it would be to feel it revive.
[...]
How I've needed you, Nova.
2/2
I shouldn't have said that. Forgive me. It's a complicated thing to tell someone. You'll pretend not to have read it, won't you?
[...]
It's something I would tell a lover. Maybe I'll have the chance to say it in the future to someone who deserves most to hear it.
Anyhow, please. You wrote so much, but I worry if I try to answer everything and then ask questions of my own, we'll create a thousand conversations. So, briefly for some: yes, I would like to meet Roza. I would love to hear your music. My siblings live in Xania/Kyiv - Iryna, Kyiv - Andrii, and California - Maksym.
I get along with my family very well. They're good people. Iryna is [...] a little odd, maybe, but good.
Sergiy is taking music lessons, but what he plays changes often. He hasn't found what he likes, except for football.
Real football.
And -
It doesn't surprise me that Madeline will be there, but I had hoped she wouldn't.
[...]
[...]
It's your place to mention, Vevay.
And you don't need to worry. I won't pretend not to know you, and I wouldn't care to leave your side for her.
Well, you don't need to hear that.
I may have to speak to her at some point to be civil, maybe to arrange a visit with my son, but that's all.
[...]
Here, this must be said again because I can say nothing else that I'd like: it's your place.
As though those words hold worlds in them.
Please, know your place with me. Know your right.
1/2
[ … ]
Shite.
That’s me floored, is what that is.
[ … ]
You ought to know yourself free to laugh. Ought to know yourself that way, feel the extremities of what you are and how your soul you heart’s got breath, got worlds of life within however you can find it.
Damn her for striking that from you
Damn everyone who let it slide, keep sliding
Fuckin beyond stratospheric, you are.
You are a marvel of a man, that’s so. And see the thing about us beings on this earth is we’ve got capacities for flitting free, turning to something beyond what we’re told and given, imposed into aye? Thing is as well we’re quashed each corner that we turn, or the most of us are.
Meaning it isn’t everyone who feels this or reaches for it. Isn’t everyone can acknowledge the rightness in this reaching.
All the strangling you’ve been given, and still you remember how to breathe, still you open up your lungs when brought to the moment for it. Still you’ve got vision for what’s more than slammed upon you.
If I can give you cause for laughter, best believe I’m glad for it. Honoured too, that’s so.
I’d like to keep doing the same long as I draw breath.[ … ] It’s an aim. Eh, a dream I’d like to entertain and seize in my own hold. To keep doing the same as long as I draw breath.There’s little better, little more important, aye, than to give breath to find breath or, aye, share a breath with those holding meaning.
With those who matter and hold mattering, and aye, I’m speaking here of you, Talik.
It’s fucking wretched, your not having cause to laugh freely
But we’ll fix that, eh?
It’s no small part of what friends
and other than friendsand other academic [ … ] co-adventurers are here for.Nothing to be faulted. Nothing to be pressed. (Unless some pressing’s wanted.)
[ … ]
I’ve some sense what you mean about strangling. Different avenues, likely. Eh, surely, but with similar results. What feels like, is like losing sight of what’s shining all above, or having that sight stolen. Like forgetting there’s air to breathe at all.
There’s lots of bodies want to bury a man, bury any self tries to speak beyond what the most vocalizing arseholes want of a man.
Resilient, you, for not holding in burial. Blessed, lauded for the same.
For myself, I’ve kept myself free enough not to be drawn in too deep, but then I’ve been lucky, or else I’ve known myself forewarned. See enough, of eh [ … ] scathing early on, one gets to be primed wary.
Used to be more wary. I’ve got a better knack for sussing out when something’s off or someone wants what I’m not giving.
[ … ]
That isn’t you, is part of what I mean.
You’re like no one I’ve met before, and I speak that as the keenest complimenting.
If I’m cautious, Talik, it’s that I don’t want to be a cause of undue discord, or set off
her[ … ] any body’s ire with you.If I know my nerves all shaking at the thought of having place, well. Well, what man and else what being is there to fault? And whose opinion would I care a damn for?
When there’s one name and one opinion, just one belief I hold dear above all else.
The fact is I’ve needed you as well. I know it know, and’ve known myself in lacking for a while, years now.
Isn’t anything that asks acknowledging just now. Only I wish to speak it. Only I know it and so share it as my truth, and as a truth writ apart from my opinion.
Aye. Perhaps someday I’ll have opportunity to speak the whole of my opinion and the fullness of my feeling to the one who draws it, who is eminently worth of it.
Someday, aye, that person supposed, that person in fact shall hear it. And I’ll know my own joy in this speaking.
2/2
I get a little free with speaking sometimes. Comes of having to speak it, maybe, or having to speak what I am before I had, eh… Proof to show, like?
Feel fuckin clarht headed saying so, seeing as I know there’s no need for ‘verifiable proof or whatnot.’ Shite gets in your head, turns itself to mind games and the truth is I knew from the get go I wanted a drink, aye, but thinking turns murky among matters of well what makes a man and knowing it ain’t the organs, yeah?
[ … ]
Mindfuck of a world we’re living in, Talik.
Though it don’t feel that way with you.
Thing about Verne’s he’s got a damned decent dicking down game, and asks fewer questions than one might think.
Fuck of it is I nearly believed there had to be more than fix or six neurons firing up in that thick skull of his. Eh, more fool, I. Christ, ain’t the Lollycentric therapy hour
Can’t speak ill of his dick though.
In terms of responding, it’s not so far different now. Helps the path I took with the surgeries, integrating the bits I had before with them I have now. Clitoral burying, that’s the term for it. Showing excitations means pumping up the Reebok, but it terms of eh tension through the body, nerves gone star shot, it’s not so far different. Far as I understand it anyway, and it’s truth I’ve cases to compare against. Have been with plenty of men and people all along the scales, is what I mean.
Never anyone of your stripe, that’s sure.
And my speaking, guess I meant to nudge that door open. I’ve no qualms against speaking what I know and’ve experienced. Doesn’t need to be anything other than academic, or doesn’t need to be otherwise in speaking. If I’m say crass, it’s just a way of speaking, aye?
What’s explicit’s more in photographs, or so I feel it, or in [ … ] witnessing, personal experience and sharing one to one.
…Guess it’s worth noting monogamy’s my way. Eh. For the sake of academic data, call it.
Right. So. Graft’s from the right thigh. Scarring’s visible still, even beneath the tattooing, but that much is all right with me. I’ve no plans on veiling where I’ve been, where I’m come through aye?
And the rest, eh, put a little space between talk of all that
And talk of what else you’ve mentioned.
Credit to your Sergiy, football’s a fine sport for taking up. And finding the right instrument for singing through, if any instrument at all and not everyone tends that way like it or not, takes time. [ … ] Didn’t know my fondness for a cello til I met my aunt’s, took it up as my own.
Added to which, there’s nothing you’ve said that I’ll feign to have slipped over in reading, though I’ll stray from its speaking now. Not driving it out from my memory, is the thing. Can’t see it’s wrong form me to keep, and hold now as my own.
And for the party [ … ] all I ask’s you tell me if she’s liable to turn explosive on you, yeah? Truth is I’d like to spend that evening ahead beside you. Truth’s also we’ll have days beyond for meeting here or and there. Take care of yourself and your Sergiy, Talik. Promise me that, aye?
One more thing, and I’ve touched on it but it bears lingering. It’s more than I’d’ve thought to ask, having any place with you.
It’s what I’d like, that’s sure. Or it forms no small part of my wishing.
That place, that right. I’d value and do value. And do the best by [ … ]
myTalik I possibly can.1/3
She doesn't need your presence to speak that way, or any other reason at all save that I'm not relenting this time.
But of course, I'll take care.
I won't say I'm not disappointed, though. More caution becomes necessary when I know she might be watching.
[...]
Unless[...]
Nova, would youWe [...] could meet before. Sen (Rin, more likely) is collecting me at some unnamed hour from my hotel. In someone's limousine, I hear, in order to perturb Esma. "Spilling out rogues, wretches, thieves, and peasants like a clown car," he claims.
Maybe you could come have a drink with me before. If the meeting goes poorly, we can sit at separate ends of a limo and pretend it never occurred, eh?
[...]
Or - suppose it were to go well. If I were to hold your hand in the car, no one would speak of it to herEither way - drinks or at the party - it makes no difference; I'll meet my Vevay. I'll see you, know your presence near my own. That means the world.
2/3
I enjoy tattoos, and I am often awed by those done over scars.
And I have a suspicion that you've already seen many of mine if Senan showed you photos of me. It's only fair!
[...]
Unless you'd like to wait for some future situation. I could respect that.
[...]
For the rest.
I think you know how I feel. What there is growing within me, what has grown enough with these talks of ours that I no longer feel lethargy about my divorce. I feel urgency to end it, to meet you as you should be met. To end any waiting as soon as I can.
[...]
Whatever door it is you're trying to open, I should say that I don't take hints well. I speak English well, but sometimes [...] context clues? I miss them.
Do you want to tell me personal things?
Academically, of course.
Or are you looking to ask me questions, as I've pried so about you?
If either, I've been a willing participant in this conversation from the start.
[...]
I think here is where I should say - I'm not particular about whether my partner is polyamorous, so long as we discuss it before I learn they have another in their life.
I'm not so.
There's only one for me.
I'm growing more certain of it by the hour.
[...]
No, don't ignore the meaning of anything I've said. I told you to know your place with me, after all. Know your importance and your right to every word I've said.
3/3
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Around the same time that he receives Nova’s texts…
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video!
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2/2 - Several hours later
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3/3 BUT NOVA IS NOT THROUGH WITH U
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3/3 An Update
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sometime mid-morning
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text to Iryna
text from Iryna