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kingdomsofrain2024-01-24 08:25 pm
onefellswoop) wrote in kingdomsofrain2024-01-24 08:25 pmtexts texts texts
this one is for texts!
onefellswoop) wrote in kingdomsofrain2024-01-24 08:25 pm
no subject
Which.
Sure. Yeah. Yeah jesus, those're some arms, and that is—
Vitaly is. A very. Very attractive man.
Not a man Nova would've thought to see attached to these exchanges, this loving on a rescued pup, this self-doubting and this speech that feels like the tip of an iceberg running deeper than Nova's glimpsed.
This talk of raising spirits and if only, god above sure, if only he were in Dublin right here and now.
He saves this photo with the one before. Looks over both again, smiling to himself, before responding. ]
Dodo! Don’t know as I’ve ever seen such joy for life in a dog Goofy little lass, isn’t she? Eh, maybe not so little. Looks like she’s got a love for you, and you for her.
[ … ]
You’ve got a smile I’d call contagious, you know that?
Presuming that’s you there, which I’m taking is a safe assumption.
Jesus, it’s a good smile.
[ … ]
There’s a lot I’d like to say. Which, here’s a thing, says itself something about how I’m feeling re this talk of ours, since most days I’d’ve lost track with my own thoughts by this hour, not worth holding onto em usually, what’s the good in holding if no one receives? Meaning if I give no fucks whether anyone receives because there’s few hands I’m giving trust to.
Isn’t the case here. Isn’t so with you, the way I feel it.
Diminutives uncomplicated between you and I, which doesn’t suggest a lack in meaning. Talk goes deeper than most, and I don’t balk at it, don’t think it’s going nowhere.
My meaning is I’m enjoying this conversation my own self. I like the ways you place your word, the matters you take your speaking after. They’re important, the words you’re choosing, and I feel it in em, right? You’ve said my view of the world’s kinder than most, and I won’t argue the point, knowing what I do about the propagation of shit stirrers. You’ve an eye for what a world could be like, as well as a kindness in your own right, the sort I like to hear and the sort not often found, yeah? The sort you might extend a little further to yrself, as it strikes me you’re right hard on Vitaly, aye?
My meaning’s also I can’t say I ever wished to be in Dublin more than now. Fuckin Irish Sea.
No changing what’s geographical, so I’ll content myself with messages, and count myself glad, lucky just as well.
Be grand if you could skip on over here, though. Night’s young enough and I’ve got clean sheets to spare and fuckin am getting far the fuck ahead of myself.Happens you’ve raised my spirits already. The night here’s not so easy on a man. Gets lengthy, gets cold, and there’s hollows this country and its fuckin rains bring out relentless. Wasn’t the brightest day to begin before that group avalanche started rolling, and I’m pissed to fuck with Lolly.
Which. [ … ] [ … ]
Best get this one out the wayYou’ve got the right of it: I’ve known the wazzock the arsehole a good while now, him and Sen both. Since I first came south of Harrogate, right? Met the twins, that’s Nelli and Pippa, Verne’s sisters through the meagre times I did set foot in that school, and as they took to me all right, I hung around their place, leading to the acquaintanceship of Verne and Senan. Thing about his sisters is [ … ] Look, don’t know you’ve met them or not, but [ … ] they make Laverne look the top of MENSA. So I try to look in on em and after em much as I can, Lolly being away more often than not, and you see why I’m fucked off Lolly’s giving not a drop of shite.[ … ] Yeah as well. Look, I ain’t saying it represented any high point in my life, and I’d ask you not to judge too harsh but then as well your feeling’s up to you, so [ … ] yeah I fucked around with him a bit. Dated him? That, sort of a one-time thing, don’t know I can call it a lapse in judgment but I do know I’d not repeat it. There’s as much beneath the surface as a pissing puddle
and sure he’s an all right fuckand a man can only take so much of that. So, eh. That’s been done with a decade since. But I figure it’s better told by me than any other body.[ … ]
Fuck, might be I shouldntveFuck I don’t want[ … ]
You with me still, Talik?
Shite, shite, apologies if I’veTalik
Talik, Vitaly, Talik, Talik
[ … ]
Most days I don’t care a damn who knows what I’ve done with which person. It’s past and if it meant anything lasting, it’d be ongoing, yeah? Had a lot of doings with a lot of people. That’s living, or that’s living if one’s myself and if [ … ] lasting’s not been much accounted for, and there’s always something doesn’t mesh right.
[ … ]
It ain’t that I’m ashamed, only [ … ] I can’t say rightly how it sounds. From where you are, you get me?
Thing is, I don’t want to lose you.
Lose talking with you. Lose you. Either, and both.
no subject
(I don't want to lose you.
He can't stop reading those words.)
This isn't...good. He's misleading this man, or Nova's rushing headlong at something Vitaly is only able to sort into vague shape.
But. But he can't leave that message unanswered. It's cruel. (A pang of guilt: he's cruel, he's being cruel, letting Nova think this can be something besides texts. Besides friendship.)
...He reads 'Talik' and his breath catches again, again, like the very core of him is shaken through. He can hear Nova's voice, though he's never heard the man speak. He can imagine the pitch, the perfect bite of syllables - the softness. (Like -
Oh, like -)
(Like impossibility.) ]
I'm still with you.
[...]
You have nothing to worry about. Not with me. I don't know you well, Nova, and your past is your past. Who am I to find fault in what it has been, when it's
brought you to mmade you who you are?I have far worse sins to my name than intimacy with Verne. [...] He's a good man.
Stupid, butAnd if I felt a moment of envy, there are many reasons why it might have been, eh? That you have lived a life I almost wish had been mine, or that Verne has had the good fortune of knowing you for so long. That you're so free with your words.
Honest.
[...]
Of course, you won't lose me. We're friends, aren't we.Nova [...] you shouldn't say such things to me. I shouldn't have allowed you to use that name.
[...]
Ah, see, I've sent that terrible message, and I feel the hollows you speak of. The loss of a name. The loss of the voice upon it. I meant to say - and I am foolish for it, yes, - that reading your words feels like possibility.
Like a great unfolding that might alter a life, word by word.
I hang upon every word you write. Even those I wish not to read, I do so greedily because you have written them, and you are, somehow, terribly important.
It's a small misery, you know, because what feels like possibility is [...] just my lonely night speaking to me. A misery tempered by gratitude in knowing I could raise your spirits even for a moment.
[...]
I [...] am married, Nova.
That I am married unhappily, that I have not seen her in nearly two years - it doesn't matter. I should have told you before I let you call me 'Talik'.
[...]
Forgive me. I had no intention of [...] misleading you.
I can only say for myself: I didn't realize how it would move me each time you wrote that one word.
How my soul shudders.
I say, too, that it was not loneliness or foolishness. How cruel it would be for me to say I have felt my being tremble tonight, but deny that you are the cause.
[...]
Ah, but if I have misunderstood your meaning, then please, be magnanimous and nevermind my rambling words, eh? I am prone to fretfulness, to making trouble from nothing.
1/2
There’s a thought about the glimpse of starlight flaring brilliant, so bright it feel like hope itself, only to collapse in on itself, turning potentiality to void.
So much for beautiful daydreams.
Fucking… Right.
His head feels heavy now. And he thinks he’s nearer to sober than he’d like.
Still. Still, it could be worse. Still, the words, professions in that message reach into his heart and settle there, only further stoke the glow blossomed through their text exchange, this growing more-than-interest in Vitaly Kozak.
There’s kindness in this man, and heart, that’s sure. And what Nova feels above all else is a bleakness settling downward; sorrow for Vitaly, and sorrow for himself. ]
Right. Yeah. Right.
Fuck. Yeah, nah, that’s [ … ] on me, that is. Get too far ahead of myself, that’s a known fact
Should’ve asked
Should’ve known[ … ]
Going to miss that word.
Your name.
[ He lets himself speak it aloud, two times, five times more.
No harm saying it however many times he wants this night.
No harm going to sleep with it on his lips
No more harm than’s been done already, fuck. ]
…Fuck, going to miss ‘Vevay,’ just as well.[ He looks over what he’s written, knows there’s no cause for sending any of that. Knows he’s not given to accepting any kind of end, not so easy, no when something draws so strong as this does, as Vitaly does.
There’s no call to stop speaking, or end talk because a man happens to be married. Nova needs a minute, that’s all. Needs to let the first pangs pass and keep himself from driving any unintended knife. ]
Still here, myself.
[ … ]
Gathering
my piecesmy voice. There’s more to follow, know that.Talik.Vitaly. Don’t be so hard on yourself, hey?[ He closes his eyes, drops a hand across his brow. Breathes, and gathers himself. ]
no subject
pleaseplease forgPlease, how can I
I think I have never regretted anything so
[...]
Nova.
I'll wait. Whatever you wish to say. [...]
Even condemnation would be words written by you.Take as long as you need. I'll wait.
no subject
So yes, he opens the message and yes he reads and it’s—
Well. It’s puzzling, is what that is.
Because there’s divorce having been accomplished, and there’s divorce in early talks, never having gotten carried out at all. Or there’s the prospect of remarriage, and maybe Vitaly’s got a knack for drawing into shite situations. Neither options sits well with Nova. Neither seems right for this man; neither seems like life, or anything beyond a wretched colliding of circumstances.
(Not that Nova knows. Not that he knows much of anything, but there’s Sen to ask further questions of, and if nothing else, Nova knows what he feels, and knows what he read from Vitaly Kozak.)
He’s heard the name ‘Madeline’ before; he’s fairly certain of it. Talked of as among the ranks of Deimos’s prick of a brother, always with acerbity.
(He doesn’t like to think of anyone sinking fangs into this man, drinking him dry. It isn’t fucking right. Shouldn’t fucking be permitted.)
Something more: For all Sen’s talk of Vitaly’s social faint-heartedness and propensity for vanishing (talk Nova doesn’t doubt, because sure Sen talks shit here and there, but he’s got an eye for observation of his fellow beings), Vitaly hasn’t retreated. Didn’t hide behind those attempts at claiming distance, either
There’s another message from (Talik) Vitaly. A sense of something settling back into place, warming itself again as Nova reads ‘Vevay,’ thinks he might have, must have smiled at that, a little bit. In spite of the mess at hand, in spite of how hopeless everything looked mere minutes ago—
Well.
Maybe all’s not lost, after all. ]
[ … ]
I’m feeling that hollow myself, that’s so.
You didn’t misunderstand a word of what I said or what I was speaking after.
Can be I’m too free with my expressing, too quick with the draw. Didn’t give you much chance for a breath, did I?
Only it isn’t often I feel thisDon’t know I’ve ever felt quite soEh, well. Point being, you heard me right.
I know what I feel, and there’s no taking that back. Wouldn’t want to, anyhow. I’ll take a burst across the sky over blankness any day, no matter how the afterburn might ache. I can take a little burning. Can take a lot of burning, is the thing about me, and a moment’s hopes worth a life’s scar, sometimes.
I can’t say it doesn’t strangle, this about
your wife[ … ] you being married. Can’t say it didn’t set the world off all its axes.Still, I’d rather know, and there’s courage in offering over the truth, especially if any kind of [ … ] reciprocation’s involved, speaking in the way of feeling. [ … ] Going to guess it wasn’t easy speaking. And it means something, more than a little something, your saying the cause of your trembling.
You’ve not gone into hiding behind guises or silence. You’ve gone the mile to take down a feint or two that slipped in. I appreciate that, more than words tell.
Anyway. I’ve been walked into worse situations blind.
Be clear, I’m not faulting you, Vitaly. It’s no fault of yours I come on strong. [ … ] No fault of yours how you feel, either. Getting the impression there’s circumstances hard enough on you without your own recriminations on yrself.
[ … ]
There’s kindness in you, worlds of it I think. Not changing my mind on that point.
[ … ]
[ … ]
Look. I’ve got no mind to compromise you, put you at the centre of anything you want no part in. Or, fuck that ain’t right, nay, talk it apart from wanting, more I don’t want you compromising yourself, yeah? Feeling you’re less you and I’ve led you to it.
Thing is, I’m not sure you’re not already three feet down beneath the ocean’s floor. Something’s got you drowned and buried, Talik. Something’s got you forgetting how to breathe.So I’m about to pose a question, but I want it known I won’t hold you to an answer. If it hits you awry, if you want to or if you need to close down talk of this, I mean your marriage, only say the word. [ … ] Can’t promise I’ll leave it lie forever, but I won’t pry at it this night.
Plenty elsewise we can speak of, I figure.
[ … ]
Yeah. The question, though. You say you’re unhappy in this marriage and I don’t doubt you, don’t think you’d be feigning and also two years tells something on its own. So
What’s keeping you with it?
Answer or don’t. Like I said, I’m not looking to make this harder for you or force your hand on anything. Not here for judgment, neither.
Been married once myself. For the sake of disclosure, or I mean to say I get shite happens. Partnerships that go sour one way or another. Marriages that’re rotten from the start. There’re reasons folks split and there’re reasons they stick.
Fuck if I ain’t starting to lose my own plot. Point being, what I said, answer or don’t, and tell me to shove off with it if that’s best. What’s it you need Vitaly, hey?
Beyond that.
Happens I’ve also got no wish to cease this discourse we’ve got going.
So whatever you say to the above, my ask is you keep on sticking with me here. Night’s long, yeah, and we’ve only just started on talking. So here’s the thing, then, as long as you can
Be with me still, as a friend, if by no other name.
Can’t say I won’t miss the name, only
Well. That’s enough from me for now likely
no subject
But also.
He doesn't...tell people. Not about Madeline. Not about -
That's something he keeps silent, as though speaking of it will open it up to catastrophe worse than what's already come.
...But Nova has been married. Nova is still here, still patiently seeking words and asking him what he needs. Every word has fallen into places of rightness and warmth and - And.
And the question becomes: How much does he want Nova to know?
(How much of his life would he share with someone who talks the way Nova does, now so carefully, no longer running sentences together or rambling but trying very hard for coherence. How much with someone who burns brighter than any star and who says 'Talik' - even in text - and makes him breathless?
At his age.)
It's a risk.
Maybe he can...just once. Venture a risk. ]
What do I need? If I knew the answer to that question, perhaps I would solve all my discontents.
I would like, though. I want -
What isn't any right of mine to ask.
[...]
Or promise.
I don't speak of her, you know. I don't [...] share this piece of myself.
But I know it would grieve me to lose you, Nova. If all it ever will be is words and friendship, I would be satisfied. Happy, even.
And if I can't give you pieces of myself that I wish, I can share with you what I speak of with no one else.
That [...] is why I'll answer you. What's keeping me with it, as you say.
I keep with it because I have made mistakes in anger and belief, and so have complicated things enough that a divorce is [...] difficult.
I can't divorce her now without her presence in Ukraine. She won't come. I -
A moment.
[ He sends another photo; in this one, he's holding a small boy, the spitting image of Vitaly. ]
[...]
Sergiy. My other beautiful, joyful thing in this world. My heart, you see?
I could divorce her without her presence, but she would take him. The courts could do nothing to stop her; there are no resources to spare on my domestic woes, nor should there be.
At least I see him. She makes her demands, yes, but I see him. He knows his father. He knows I am here, and that I won't leave him.
[...]
[...]
I would like you to know the same.
I am with you - tonight, yes. I [...] would like to remain.
Even feeling the absence of what it might have been, there is more wholeness in speaking with you now than[...]
I can't give you anything but the truth of my world - and this, if you would accept it: I told you a name to call me. Though perhaps I should not have done, I think you have more right to it than any other in this world.
As a friend, if no other name, yes.
But that other name is yours to use. Or hold in silence. Or cast aside.
'Talik' is yours, if 'Vitaly' can't b[...]
[...]
[...]
Please - be with me, still, also.
no subject
You sure that’s a good idea, me saying
Fuck, who am I to query what I want and
Talik.
You keep extending that gift of your name, I’ll keep taking it. Holding it. That’s something you can count on.
Same goes for my staying. Being with you still, however the capacity.
I’m not one for casting aside what’s valued. Meaning more directly I value you, and your name as well.
Worth saying I’m not asking any promises, nor expecting any. Only I’m here for whatever follows. You’ve got my friendship here on out, yeah?
You’ve got your Vevay[ … ]
Full-on adorable kid, your boy.
He’s beautiful, no feigning. Got your smile and all.
…Shite.
You with him, talking about him I fuckingAh, that’s me lost five to ten times over now, and I’d guess that count’s ever-increasingSergiy. Good name, just as well.
Any pics with him and Dodo?
[ … ]
[ … ]
Wretch of a situation, all of that. Good he’s not been taken from you fully. Good you’re looking after him as you can, and I wager it’s a lot for him, knowing you’re there. Knowing he’s got a da’d never leave.
Aye. That’s no small thing at any angle.
He looks happy with you, also.
[ … ]
[ … ]
Look while we’re [ … ] speaking in this vein. [ … ] Reason I was ever married, yeah? There was a time
Imy fkingmy brother-who-was got hisself killed. His wife took it badly, fair enough to her, but their kids caught the fall out.My nephew, my niece. Took em in, yeah?
Never mind the one’s who’d birthed me hadn’t spoke in[ … ] Good kids. Young then, very.Had a girlfriend at the time. Laid it all out for her, expected her fully to split, but she didn’t back down a moment. Stayed with me, stayed with them. Worked all right, some ways better than, until the day the woman’d bore em came back, decides she wants them after all. Not much we could do, finances being what they are and the law bending very much against us. We cut the marriage soon after. No fault of hers. No fault of mine, I guess, either. Not truly, and fact is we were always better off acquaintances.
[ … ]
Went to her wedding this winter last. That’s a fact. Happy for her and pleased to see her happy, that’s also truth. People find their people, won’t begrudge that for a moment.
My melancholy’s for what’s wanted and not been found, or hadn’t been found untilAh, fuck[ … ]
You do a lot for kids, is what I mean, and gladly.
[ … ]
Fuck. Don’t want to turn you separate from your boy
Sergiy.
[ … ]
Full disclosure. Been speaking with Sen. About you, a bit, just now and in the half hour or like before. Something he said, message following just after you [ … ] first said it about the being married. Thing is he brought it up hisself. You been married, yeah, but he spoke it like a past tense thing, like you having been that.
Not going to mention to him the continued marriage, or your Sergiy. Fuckin nah, of course not. That’s yours for the saying or not saying, of course it is, and no shaming either way. Don’t know whether you knew he doesn’t know, is the only thing.
[ … ]
Words and friendship can be a lot. Can be worlds, and I’ll venture in this case, between us, it’s worlds, confirmed.
Maybe not all I wish, or— Nay. Best say clear it isn’t all I’d wish. But it’s better than enough to live on.
And know happiness in, yes.
I’d like you to be happy, Talik. Like to think I can give you something of the sort, or else at the least help you with finding it.
And I mean to keep writing, speaking your name, like said, long as you’ll permit me.
no subject
[...]
A hypothetical, yes? Supposition only
tonight. If I wanted someone - anyone, please, here, because of course, I do not speak of you. Why should I, when we have just met today, even if I have spoken more to you tonight than I have to anyone else in years?We are speaking of someone I might imagine. Only that.
If I wanted them. If the thought of friendship and nothing more sat like a stone where my heart ought to be. I would make no move while I am married and only for this reason: if she took it as evidence of infidelity, she would make certain I never saw him again. So, you see, it is my choice. My actions.
Never yours.
[...]
[...]
Fuck...Or the person I imagined. Someone whose name I would speak to myself alone, because no one can prove I have done so.
[...]
Senan thinks we divorced; I had forgotten that. No, he doesn't know. Darius and I did not speak for some time, so I rarely saw Senan or Rin. I don't talk of my troubles to people - and I am not proud of things I have done. I would never repeat them, and I regret them terribly-
No, I will tell you, I think. Maybe it's better you know that once, I was capable of such violence. I'll tell you because you have told me something of substance, something personal, and you should know this of me before you say anything further.
So -
So. I
lovedthought I loved Madeline.I am beginning to think I saw only a shadow of love Ah I need to be careful where you are concShe was lovely, was clever. I married her and thought we were happy.There, too, I think I didn't know happiness at allWe had been married only six months when I found her with Darius's brother, Deforest. I flung him in a closet and locked him there, and I am not ashamed of having done that. I called Darius to come for him, then - ah, we fought. I think I lost all sense; she said such things to me, and I to her, until I [...] struck her.
And as though that was not enough to sate the thing howling in me, I pulled Deforest from the closet and drew a gun on him. Darius arrived and put a stop to it.
...He looked at me in such a way that the world came rushing back into clarity, into sense and [...] how I wished it would cave in upon me. I realized I had done something unspeakable to my wife, and again to his brother.
What could I do? How could I ever atone for that? I left her and let her have what she wanted. Money, freedom. I agreed to her [...] relations with others because I would not come near her. I agreed to remain faithful, myself, because I was the one who decided to leave and deny her right as a wife. Put it in writing for her.
I might as well go on, tell you the rest so you see why Senan thinks what he does.
The divorce came later. A year or two, I don't remember. I only remember that we were compelled to six months, a conciliatory period? Then just as the six month neared its end, she said she was pregnant. Ukrainian law defers divorce for a year if there is a pregnancy. Stupidly, I withdrew the petition. I thought I should stay if there is a child. I was [...] perhaps hopeful.
She [...] lost the baby soon after. So, we repeated it all again. Divorce petition, conciliatory period, and pregnancy. I realized maybe this would turn out exactly the same, and maybe 'lost' was not the truth of the other, nor was the paternity, and [...]
[...]
Well, it doesn't matter what I thought.
She swore to me this one was mine, and if I agreed to her terms, she would bring him into the world. [...] Something of that kind.
If I did not agree, she said, I was murdering my son
No, no, it doesn't matter
Nothing good came of that marriage but Sergiy. Wretched as I have been, little though I deserve the miraculous, here I have - him.
I waited until he was older to petition again; I knew she would take him when I did, and I wanted him to be able to remember me when I visited or called.
Senan knows none of that because
I couldn't bear that look again. Seeing myself reflected in his eyes, or Rin's, or Verne's[...]
I don't speak of it. That's all.
And I've spoken much now; I would like to say more, to ask you so much, Nova. To know the father in you. I have told you the worst of me, though, and I won't speak of your children alongside that.
1/3
Meant what I said, I’m with you still.
And I’m glad you told me. Honoured, rightly spoken. Fuck if I’m running out on you for telling what’s happened to you, or any piece of what you’ve been
I won’t say it wasn’t hard hearing. I’m also thinking the trouble’s not what you’d’ve been thinking.
Don’t know that I’ve ever met a more remorseful man, nor one whose reproaches for himself so blatantly outweighed the offense.
This about atonement, Talik.
You’re caught up on this one time action you once took, and I won’t say it was a pretty one nor that you need hearing as much, sounds like you know the fuck of it too well. I also can’t say, won’t say it’s anything world ending, nor worth holding as an albatross around thine neck.
You own what you did, that’s one thing. Sounds as though you’d not for the world do it again. Sounds as though violence of that sort’s never been a defining feature in you, nor been repeated.
We’ve all of us done some foul shit, yeah? Many worse than what you’ve said, speaking relatively or objective. Doesn’t excuse what it is we’ve done, but as well doesn’t mean living crushed by it daily. Doesn’t mean giving your life over to its shadow. (This I mean about interactings done one to one or a few to a few. Large scale atrocities, that’s another subject and one’s that’s not for the moment nor relevant at all.)
Not sure you’re giving yourself space to see the causes rightly. Not by way of excuse, but say explanation? Explication, looking outside of your own recriminating to what else was in play. Has been in play. And what she did to begin with.
She knows precisely what the fuck she’s doing, that one, doesn’t she?You loved her. Loved her or thought you did, and belief in love is, at the least, very like the thing itself. Fact is you felt about the woman enough to stake happiness with her, marry her for sake of that love. Believed in her and I’d warrant placed trust in her, that so?
[ … ] You don’t strike me as a man to love lightly. Feeling like that turns killing when it’s torn from inside out. Shattering love that’s been is hard enough to take. Discerning it wasn’t there or wasn’t what you thought from the start [ … ]
Talik. That’s unbearable. It’s tragedy, is what it is, and nothing you could’ve deserved.
She betrayed you, that’s the fact of it far as I’m hearing.
Truth be told, feels wrong to even cramp it into terms so succinct. Makes my own skin crawl, and I’ve not lived it. [ … ] Care about you, though, that I do. And saying I’m pissed to fuck with her’s understating a fact.
Not asking you to speak ill of her if you don’t wish to, or can’t, and maybe I myself don’t have the right to speak ire her way, though I’d argue there’s some cause. Thing is, hearing it from outside, told where blame’s placed square on you, still it sounds like there’s greater sins in other corners.
Step back, yeah? From where I’m sitting, there’s her infidelity in [ … ] what sounds like your own home. There’s her taking all she can from you, and keeping sure you stick around. And there’s that [ … ] Vitaly, there’s the terms you mentioned, this agreement for Sergiy before he was born. [ … ]
’Lost’ the first, you said, and it’s clear she knows what’s likeliest to bleed you. Guilt youThink I can guess the shape those terms took. Think I can guess how they were put forth to you.It ain’t right. None of it is.
…There’s a thought I[ … ]Said you put it in writing. The wording of itWhat I mean to say’s [ … ] you two did the deed at some point to get to a child, and might be there’s something in that contract wouldSeems you’re the only one thinking on atonement in the least.
Seems as well you’re the one with the least for atoning.
[ … ]
It’s rotten, Talik. Been rotting in you, hasn’t it?
[ … ]
I’m glad you’ve spoke it. And [ … ] not to say I don’t appreciate your sharing or value that you’ve told me, also not to push you one way or any other, only [ … ] might be good to speak of it elsewhere, as well. With Sen, Darius, whoever. To see you aren’t the villain in it all you’ve framed yourself to be. To get it further outside yourself, so it isn’t choking you entire. Shite like this’s nothing you should bear alone.
Well, but. Speak it elsewhere or no, it’s nothing you’ll be bearing any longer alone. Here with you, here for you.
I’m here for you, Talik, and that’s nothing changing.
2/3
[ … ]
Not many’ve called them that. I thought of them as such, so too did Roza. Eh, Rozalia, my ex. Took to em like they were our own, and so they were [ … ] eh, for a time.
Nicky and Liza, Elizabeth and Nicholas. Those're them.
[ … ]
Can’t say I’ve done well by them since they were taken. Can’t say I know how to do it different, when the woman’s dead-set on us keeping away and there’s no appealing against the mother by birth, never mind there’s little chance she cares a fuck about them.
Thing is she’s got money. Her family does. My brother-that-was, his family as well.
Thing also is, there’s any number of ways to [ … ] [ … ] outplay a trans man, legally speaking and speaking in terms of prevailing opinion on the most outspoken social levels.
[ … ]
Haven’t seen them, either of them in years now. Wish it were otherwise. Wish I could work out making it otherwise, or were fucking [ … ] more clever, something, don’t rightly know. Best I can do’s write, send money, and even that’s dicey on whether it reaches the kids.
Well. A keep on with seeking. Might be there's some way of reaching them that's eluded me yet.
[ ... ]
That's the hope, leastwise.
[ A photo follows: Nova of about a decade past sprawled on the floor, looking tired but beaming bright. One hand is propped under his chin, and his free arm winds loose around a very young girl holding a plush parakeet tight, her wide eyes fixed on the camera with a laugh. With his free hand, Nova seems to be playing a game of Snakes N Ladders with a toddler-aged boy, who has caught in the act of pointing adamantly at one of the many ladders, clearly explaining to Nova something of dire importance. ]
3/3
[ ... ]
If, hypothetically [ … ] you were of a mind to want someone. And there came to be a time you could split from her, end it without losing Sergiy. [ … ] Could be a man would be willing to wait however long it takes.
Could be so. Is so.
[ … ]
I’m patient, is what I mean.
Shite at obliqueness, as well. But.
Happens I’d rather put it so you know.
1/3
[...]
Accountability, that's the word I mean to say. Accountability is important.
Still, I feel a tension come loose in me. A [...] burden not lifted, but lighter? How strange. Perhaps it is that you'll remain, and not blindly. You see what I am, and it is a relief to be known.
Even the worst.
[...]
I won't speak poorly of Madeline if I can help it if for no reason but that I would not want Sergiy to hear it. It's simpler to practice discretion with everyone.
I think, as well, you discount something in attempting to bring perspective to what I did. Do you realize how large I am?
She is much smaller, and there, I could have hurt her badly. That thought never leaves me.
...But I am aware, Vevay. I am. I feel I deserve all that has happened, but that doesn't make me blind to the actions of others. I see the futility in being angry, though. Impotently angry, you see? Why, when I can think of the good and hope for something better in the future?
[...]
This brings me to speak to your final message.
May I urge caution? May I tell you the wait is indefinite, and that I wish you to live your life without hoping for that possibility?
Would you listen? You seem like a man who does exactly as he pleases.
You shouldn't wait.
...But if there did come a time -
Ah, your messages leave me breathless, Nova. I will say this, but make no promise: I am eager to know you better. I am glad I have been given the chance.
I would like to know you very, very well someday.
If you can find happiness with anyone, you should take it.
And anyway, maybe when you meet me, you'll find I have bad breath or a voice pitched too high. Maybe I am a brute, eh? What if I drink too much? Maybe you'll find there's nothing worth waiting for.
2/3
No, that isn't the word. Well, you know how I mean: you are there in them.
And also, your son is cheating. I like him already.
[...]
I am so sorry for what your sister-in-law has done, but Nova, no matter what has happened, you should not call your sister your 'brother-who [...]
Ah, no!
Forgive me, I misunderstood!
[...]
Dreadfully. I see. Brother-who-was.
Oh, Vevay, I am sorry.
[...]
Ukraine is not tolerant. I do not say this because I agree with the public consensus, but because I am unused to speaking directly of such things. But here is what I know: to refuse to love, to accept, to treat equally a brother as one would treat a sister -
To reject a loved one because they are not what you expected.
He lost something precious in refusing you. All the beauty in you; the father you are. The brother you could have been. The husband you were to your now-friend. The force of nature whose words soothe, are a balm to the soul.
Better a man than any I have met, and I have met many.
How much there would be to lose in turning you away.
Foolish.
[...]
Thank you for trusting me. I [...] really never would have known from your photos any such history. It is a secret you could have kept and I would have been [...] how is it.
'None the wiser'? It means much, to be trusted so.
3/3
[ His next message is in Ukrainian. If one were of a mind to translate it, the gist is that Vitaly may or may not be commenting on Nova's DILF status. ]
Here, you asked for a photo of Sergiy and Dodo.
[ He sends a picture that shows two blurs running through a grassy yard. ]
They two, they look like this until they fall asleep.
[ A moment later, without comment, he sends one more thing: a video. This one is of the three of them. They're on a beach somewhere, white sand and bright sun, a background noise of waves. A shirtless Vitaly is grinning and swinging a squealing, laughing Sergiy upside-down by his ankles. There’s careful gentleness in how Vitaly plays, a fine line between caution and roughhousing. The dialogue, largely teasing in tone, is all Ukrainian. (He does not, it turns out, have a high-pitched voice; rather, it has a deep reverb to it.)
Dodo runs circles around them, barking enthusiastically before she abruptly stops and begins to nose her face into the sand until her head is buried. The man behind the camera points this out and Vitaly and Sergiy both turn serious; Vitaly quickly (and with that same graceful caution) sets Sergiy on his feet. Childish cries of "No, Dodo, stop!" and two men shouting deeper "Eh! Eh, Dodo! не роби цього (Ne roby tsʹoho)!" can be heard as the scene bounces wildly, then cuts off.
A moment after, he sends another message, this one almost…hasty?]
The other one is only my cousin, Oleksei. Taking the video. That’s all.
[…]
I […] only say because perhaps you wondered and I want to reassure you that -
I don’t let strange men near my son, yes?
[…]
Well. And I mean we aren’t involved together.
1/3
Jesus I need a
Need a fuckin minute I
Fuck how in fuck
Talik, I
[ … ]
Reeling, is what I am.
Be with you quick as I can, Talik. Just
Catchin my breath, that’s all.
You are a wonder, no mistaking.
Worth waiting for, long as it takes, even should hope never coalesce. Hope itself’s a lot to live on, where the subject’s valued, surpasses valuation.
Christ alive.
2/4 can't shut this man up
Can’t hardly begin to say how you’ve set me reeling. How I am [ … ] lucky, beyond that. The difficulty here’s in catching speech to match my meaning. I think, Vitaly, there’s so much you are I’ve not got words for, or not yet anyrate.
Give me time, if you will, if you can. I’ll find them yet.
Closest I can say just now is you’ve spoke words to my heart
jesus wept, and fuck if I’m not half overcome.[ … ]
Thank you, Talik.
Not to say you’re either asking or expecting thanks, nor to say that’s any impression I’ve taken. Only [ … ] it’s far from naught, what you’ve said, and I’m wanting it acknowledged.
You’ve a way with showing a man toward feeling his importance.
For record’s sake, no soured feelings as regards the misunderstanding. I didn’t speak the fact directly, learned that’s not wise, always, even when prospects look brighter than nay. Best to settle a suggestion, see what lands and whether anything grows out from it.
So it did. What you began saying, that’s to my appreciation. Holding a stance for personhood, self knowing at the risk of upsetting myself or rocking some boat borne on grudging. Matters that you tended thuswise, and so adamant. Matters you speak for your principles, and that a person’s own defining’s included therein.
[ … ]
I’ve been thinking all this time I’m lost a little further every word you send. The wanted kind of lost, I’m speaking. The kind a man longs for, seeks after. The kind that’s more splendour than fear, and it’s less loss than an act of falling is finding, if that sorts into any kind of sense.
Words like this. A heart like yours. Fact is I won’t hear you speak yourself toward any brutish potentiality, and if you’ve breath that reeks, it matters not a shit to myself. (Though truth is I suspect your breath’s no more foul than yr voice is high. [ … ] Going to be hearing those tones replaying in my thinking, I am.)
[ … ]
Adorable, your boy. Adorable, your self. Glad your cousin caught this video and glad you’ve shared it. Glad as well to watch it for the fourth time over.
[ … ]
I’d like to see you with your son sometime. You and Sergiy, Dodo as well. You make a fine family.
[ … ]
Fuck me. And aren’t you just the man a body’d like to know as father to his childrYr pup chasing after something there, a clam or like, or just, eh. Burrowing?
[ … ]
Back to what I was getting at, that earlier message. About waiting. About my capacity my readiness for so doing. You’re right about me, true, that I’m no man dissuaded by cautionary terms. Hope can be a crushing thing, sure. It’s also the blood of life, done well. There’s always chance in play, and I’m not a man to mind it.
Thing about happiness, Talik.
There’s happiness passes in glints and glimpses.
There’s good fucks, aye. There’s good feelings to be had breezing along a roadside middle of the night, moonlight shone and all. There’s pleasance in a smile that sees yr own self and offers welcome of whatever sort.
There’s as well a happiness includes and both surpasses all, I’d like to think. Do think, speaking honest, speaking hopeful. Can’t say I’ve found it, but I’m not a man to cease seeking.
And I believe I’ve found its glimpsing. What could be its earnest core.
[ … ]
[ … ]
Always thought myself a MILF man, and I won’t say I’ve not been an appreciator. Still and even so. Turns out I was after the right DILF all this time.
To quote myself, or else repeat myself: Christ alive.
3/4
What he did about regretting me, that’s one thing and can be pinned somewhat on the parents. The rest though, there’s no shadow of excusing. Prick left behind his kids, his wife for playing hero, is what fucks me off. Make a family only to discard em, fucking make sense of it, I cannot.
There’s fighting for what matters, and there’s fighting for empty idealization. That second suited him to a ’T,’ sure. Join the British army, throw yourself into the meat grinder and call the resolution immortality, sure.
There’s a man took no self-responsibility. Same for the parents that were his, and ought to’ve been mine.
Not to say all this knowing mends the hollows left behind. Still I’ve been luckier than many. Had an aunt open to taking me on. And there was Moira, that’s Sen’s mum who likely you’ve heard tell of a time or two and you can be certain she was as good as every ounce of praise to her name, when said aunt decided I was getting to be an inconvenience.
Bit of a tangent, all of this. Not irrelevant, guessing I don’t need to tell you
[ … ]
Sen speaks to your credit, and I hear the way you talk. Know what I see in you, and what I can believe. Know what I’ve seen beforehand, all these days in living.
What I mean’s you’re something else entirely. Which I’ve said, that’s right enough, and which I’ll say again til I’ve found better words for this saying.
4/4
Had to work through the rest to get here, or I mean let the rest work in myself. A lot going on, that’s so. A lot that wants space for breathing, and I want that space for it myself.
So.
First, no faulting you for holding ireful tongues about her. I’ve got only admiration, approbation, keeping civil for the sake of your son. There’s much to be said for protecting him and keeping solid ground under his feet. That’s a guardianship isn’t to be slighted or downplayed.
Then that about anger, like you said, or like-ish. That there’s no use holding anger that’s got nowhere to go. I’ll subscribe to that and so I do subscribe, aye. I’ll count myself all for an inciting spark, but some ire’ll only eat you inside out.
[ … ]
My worry’s that for all you wave aside anger at those who’ve wronged you, you’ve no similar dismissal and not much grace for anger toward your own self. Sounds that you’ve been gnawing your own wrists for years now, Vitaly, and that’s where I stake my objections, that’s taking it beyond accountability and into flagellation, yeah?
Guess it’s worth asking if that gets you anywhere. I don’t mean that as rhetorical, nay, take it an honest querying. Put otherwise, do you find it’s helpful dwelling among, calling castigating on yourself? And what’s the damage it does to you, what’s that damage worth?
Accountability’s laudable, accountability’s necessity. I’m with you there. But that’s a piece of the fighting only. [ … ] It worries me you’ve kept so much inside.
…Shite, don’t mean to make it sound as though you’re doing naught. Take here, by example: Hasn’t slipped my notice, that you’ve come out from every apparent effort toward veiling, or toward setting cause where it’s [ … ] simpler to bear or to behold.
That’s a lot, all on its own.
And it’s clear and becoming clearer you know yourself well, Talik. Knowing your own size, your strength and your capacities. Seeing how careful you are with your son. Hearing you speak of yourself [ … ] though there I’ll say again, not sure you’re giving total credence to your strengths.
Not many see what they are, even in parts. It’s a rare and an invaluable quality, or so I call it.
[ … ]
Something more, only for the moment.
[ The next photograph was taken in the midst of what appears to be a game of hide-and-seek, perhaps melded with some version of tag. Toward the right of the photo, Nicky’s ducking behind a tree, looking backward, about a disappear into the brush. At the corner of the screen there’s the half-blurred form of Liza, apparently darting from one hiding place to another, perhaps to join her brother, almost certainly giggling and trying valiantly to stifle said giggles. At the left, Nova can be seen pulling an exaggerated expression of consideration, his gaze fixed toward a point in the horizon, as if he cannot for the life of him catch sight of either child of discern where they might be! ]
[ … ]
Feeling I’m lacking reciprocation here.
I’mIsn’t that ITech’s come a long ways these past years, and [ … ] well yeah, there’s the [ … ] trouble of time intervening. Nicky and Liza having been with us [ … ] largely before recordings on phones were an option.So, right. Something else as well, for my own voice, for my own self, a little less static.
[ … ]
In case said voice is repellent to yr ears, yeah?
Probably worth noting I’ve an inexorable habit of snoring. No hypothetical, that. Been a bone of contention in the past but eh, not much to be done.
…Fk. Right. The vid.
[ What follows is a video taken within the last couple of years, in what might be a pub or some makeshift karaoke staging. The night’d been warm, heady with oncoming summer and sure, more than a few drinks, and Nova’s poised with hand uplifted, finger pointed toward the skies and a scarf around his neck. There’re words to begin with - his voice perhaps deeper than might be anticipated, and marked unmistakably with the West Riding’s cadencing - greetings toward the crowd and requests to shhh shh hush down, to take a seat settle in because there’s a long and fruitful night ahead yet.
The words are followed by the opening half minute or so of a rendition of The Backstreet Boys’ ‘I Want it That Way,’ and include Nova swaying, half-dancing with abandon, if not with particular skill or precision.
Perhaps of note: He has a habit of running his hands through his hair and down his sides, and it’s clear that he’s not unaware of sporting a notably admirable ass. ]
That’s that for that, anyway.
Don’t judge too harsh, yeah?
1/3?
You dance like he does.
[...]
For the sake of his pride and my own continued peace, if you would please not tell him I said so: you are far more attractive.
In many ways, more attractive than anyone I've seen by far. [...] That freedom and simple nature, we spoke of it earlier? It's beautiful to see in you. You are suffuse with it. Alive.
Maybe judging you this way is still harsh, though! It needs balance. Vevay, how absurd and what poor taste in music!
[...]
But no, I don't believe that. I could even forgive and come to like the song because it's in your voice.
...How does someone so small have such a deep voice? Where in the world do you keep it stored?
2/3
People can survive "deviancy". Maybe with violence and broken ribs, but survive. People don't survive -
Well. Nevermind that. You know this, and don't need me to say it.
[...]
Please, let me tell you instead - I told Darius. When I was twenty-two, twenty-three. I told him and even knowing his tastes, I was fearful to say it without adding very quickly that I still feel attraction to women. Darius, whom I trust.
I only mean that I understand. I wish I didn't. I wish you also had no cause to understand.
[...]
May I be honest, without giving any offense or insult?
It isn't anything to me, your sex. I wouldn't be ashamed to walk down a street with you, or be seen [...] [...] in your arms. I think I would be proud to be beside you; look at your kind heart. Look at your sensibility, your tenderness, your joy. Look at your ass.
A wise man I know said: Christ alive.
Yes, and there is - a supposition. [...] If, someday, you would want to know me better than 'well', nothing you bring to that conversation would be a mystery to me, or surprise me, or have inept attention from me. I know how to be attentive no matter the components.
...I can't speak for myself now, but I used to be very good at paying attention.
Your gender is no matter, either, but I do like the man I've met. That you are a man feels [...] integral to you. Something beautiful.
I feel -
Words for another time.
3/4
How could I?
Ignoring that would be the worst crime I have ever committed, and unforgivable.
[...]
Unforgivable, still, that I can't answer you, no matter how much I may wish it.
'Lost' speaks of alone and of sorrow; you need that other important piece, yes? To be found again?
[...]
I hope someone is able to find you soon. I hope they work hard as they can to make the finding possible - that you aren't waiting long. If you are waiting, they should hurry, and be sure happiness fills your life so that the wait was worth every moment.
They should speak all the words you deserve to hear- all the words they have to choke to keep silent.
I'd like that for you. As soon as it can be.
For them, until then, they have a [...] guiding star. A comet blazing across their sky. It's sure to lead them to you.
...Whoever it is. Of course.
[...]
Do you understand me, Vevay?
4/4
Dodo.
We never know what she's chasing. Ghosts, maybe.
Friends in her head.
Someone's old sandwich.
Are you certain you want to meet her?
1/3 (?)
I understand, that is, and I don’t warrant it’s wishful thinking on my own part.
No clarifying necessary, no clarifying asked. I hear your meaning and I hold it.
What I’ll say is there’s no cause for this someone to hurry beyond reason or into risking compromise. What I’d wish is for both someone to find me with all their heart’s joys secure.
That comet’ll be burning for them, no mistaking.
I’d like to be found again. That's so.
And I’d like for this someone to know themself found just as well. Found, kept, and treasured.
I have faith in them on this count. Got faith in myself on it too.
2/3
Not eager to invoke his ire, for one thing, nor to call it on your self, and not certain his Puppy wouldn’t commit a homicide on his behalf. Nor would I say Darius is near my liking attraction-wise, no fault on him. Prickly shithead, that one. Less the devil than he plays at, though you need no telling on that count.
Glad you had him to speak with. Twenty odd years or however long you knew yourself’s a long time for keeping silent. A long time for knowing hostility all the world around you, eyes everywhere preachin of deviancy, aye, and unwholesomeness, all manner of words for dressing up what’s always vitriol, fucking dehumanization.
[ … ]
I’ve always known the man I am, or I knew soon as I found myself framed otherwise. Felt the wrongness of it like I’d break apart, did break apart each day. Like fuck was I adhering to what only ever broke me.
Hence my landing in Yorkshire. Ain’t where that first shell of a family was based, but it’s where I’m rooted, found the way to my own self even if it ain’t the likeliest place for it.
A fact is it matters, you calling calling that part of me beautiful, what’s integral to this existence of mine. Being a man, that is. You’re going no further toward proving yourself a brute speaking words like that.
Holds meaning as well that it ain’t your only focus. It’s key to myself that I’m the man I am, but it’s never the whole picture, yeah?
Here’s a truth. A man like you would amplify each element of living. Would bring color to a world.
Noting I say ‘a man like you’ when the truth’s there’s only you, and no one like.
And another truth, I’ve lived this long holding a dreaming hope, I figure I can get along a while on belief fully grown, hope given reason and grounds to flourish on.
Given words, as well. Whatever’s held unspoken, what’s said is itself already a rejuvenation. And there’s much comes through apart from speaking, aye.
Talik, your honesty can never bring offense. As regards insult, eh, I’ll allow some room for it, seeing as insult’s more in the reception than the giving, long as the speaker’s earnest, as I believe you are.
Anyrate, how’m I to call offense when you speak like that?
When you put to language precisely what I’d like myself. The holding and the being side by side, and here as an addition, daydreamer as I am, I’ll be frank and say I’d like to hold your hand. Any time at all including whilst walking, all the skies above us and all the world ahead.
As well I thank you very much for acknowledging that ass of mine. c; Takes work, it does.
Worked for a lot, sure. Worked for [ … ] my components, and for record’s sake and knowing, I’ll say what I have now’s not what I began with.
Worked for my voice just as well. Been a while living with it now, and still it warms the heart to hear it noted.
A point connected ish, I’ve no defense about my taste in music, nor’d I think to give one. Lost shame in it long since, and any rate that’s what they call the tip of the iceberg. Well, and give us some credit, for I can say with truth I’ve never sung to ‘I Touch Myself.’ Which I’ll take a leap and say you’ve seen in performance yourself.
Your speaking, though. There’s so much you speak to perfection. Words like healing to my heart, and a fact is you listen closer, clearer than most. See what a man is, aye, and hear the pieces of him asking notice.
Isn’t hard to believe you’re attentive. Attentive in all manner of circumstance, aye, and I try to be so, my own self. With listening. With [ … ] what’s sensual.
[ … ] Been a while then since youI know it’s not a need or wish for every body, making love regularly or making love at all, but the sounds of it say a how long’s it been dry spell ain’t to your askingDoesn’t cease to amaze me, Vitaly, the ways people’re ignorant to their own bodies. Not saying I know my all myself, though circumstances being what they’ve been, I’d say I’ve no meagre familiarity. But what I mean’s I look after preferences toward pleasure, known and otherwise. And I take it as necessity and pleasure both, finding a lover’s wants just as well as my own.
That attentiveness or the attempting toward goes for matters unrelated to eh [ … ] the fire and flares of passion. I want to know what’s true, what matters and what counts for anyone I’m keeping with beyond a night (and even there, one night stands or whatsoever it’s called, most often I can’t help myself asking questions). Curious myself, like yr Dodo. Bit less prone to shoving my face in sand, though.
Point being, I’d like to be attentive with you in every way I can, every way existing. I’d like to know you through and through, Talik, and that’s the fondest truth I know.
3/3
Can’t fault a pup for seeking or for curiosity, hey?
[ … ]
Like to meet your Sergiy someday, just as well.
Do you see him often orAnd at risk of overstating the point and not caring an iota for the risk, I want to meet you.
Happily, looks as though that’s bound to happen, and New York’s far from the worst place for a first face to face.
Can’t come soon enough, I say.
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Around the same time that he receives Nova’s texts…
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video!
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2/2 - Several hours later
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3/3 BUT NOVA IS NOT THROUGH WITH U
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3/3 An Update
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sometime mid-morning
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...
text to Iryna
text from Iryna