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[...]

[...]

Before I respond to anything more about you or Senan and your verbosity, please: did you mean 'fucked up'? Otherwise, I'm not sure how messaging benefits. [...] You'd have to enlighten me.

I'm in Dublin until June, at which time, I'll go see this unthinkable marriage in Manhattan. Darius ('Bloodlust'?) will never forgive me if I miss his wedding, and that is one grudge I couldn't endure.

You don't have to ask why I'm here, but I see no reason not to be candid. A particularly remorseful member of the Provisional IRA defected some twenty years ago. Defected to what allegiance, I don't care. Their familiarity with explosives interests me.

This is purely academic, of course.

[...]

Import, import.

Strange, to have to define your own importance. The mind goes blank. A cold sweat comes over me at times. 'Import' is relative.

Give me an example. What is your measure of a man's worth, and what is your own import?

[...]

A final thought: you chose well. Nova Vayne. I like the double 'v' sound. Va-vay.

Like 'Vevay'. Alive.

Nearly the same meaning as 'Vitaly'. Of life. ~~But not alive.~~

You do seem very lively right now. Fucked or fucked up.

Do I mean

Ah fuck

‘Fucked up,’ that’s the one.

~~Shit shit shit shit shit~~

Been blazing. Smoking, that’s my meaning. Not fuckin anyone atm Been a dry spell, happens.

My fuckin mouth, swear to christ’s child

[ … ]

Not sure what fucking or being fucked full stop does for me vis a vis coherence or its inverse. Habitually, say, I’m not given to verbosity after. I like a little silence there, let it all sink in.

What I’m saying, any further info’d have to be worked out through mutual enlightenment.

[ … ]

Back to track, though, that’s Dublin for you, educational experience all round. Can’t see a fault in it, academically speaking. Never hurts to glean a bit of familiarity Got a bit myself, come to that.

Darius = Bloodlust, Godsmacked, Deimos. Take your choice, all of the above and there’s more where those came out of. Don’t mean to speak too ill of the devil; he’s done more than his share on yours truly’s account. Also don’t think he’d give a toss about a nickname, so long’s it’s properly of the divine or fuckever.

Clever trick on your end, throwing back at me before you’ve spoke up. Not so sportsmanlike, eh Vevay? c;

Eh, nah. Saying that as if I didn’t bring it on myself. Don’t think it was you steered the ship to deeper waters, so, yeah, fair play after all, and I’m game to begin it.

Could say worth’s in the trade, but I’m not in for that. Got a lot of trades; not adhering myself to any of em. If worth’s in coin I’m well fucked. Acclaim? Same story there.

Going by my account, worth’s in not being a complete dickhead or stuffy at all turns. Gets old real quick, right? Means also giving a person a goddamn chance, see I’m sick to death of what’s anticipated or fuckever, murderous, all those what you’re meant to bes. Related, giving a chance for others, also speaking where you can for those that can’t, for not over bein the critical thing.

Extra points, bein honest, for complimenting a man’s choice in names. That hits real right, it does. And while we’re at it, Vitaly’s a good one its own self.

Put it in short: See a norm or see a raised fist, split its throat, rummage through the pockets. After, drinks for all.

Don’t know as I live that way, or do it well. Could be liveliness is my import, I’m that all over, you’ve got me there.

You meet a lot of deadheads, zombies walkin alive. I try not being that so. I figure that’s worth something.

Your go, and bear in mind will you, it’s nothing worth sweating over. Import’s relative, yeah; go with what counts for you. No one here’s watchin the clockface or the hypothetical rule book.

Between the two of us, you would have 'Vevay' for a nickname. I discovered it, so I'll decide its use.

Your definitions of worth and import are different to mine. You're speaking of principle, which is only a part of the measure of anyone. Import, though - what you offer the world. What mark you've made. What good you are to those around you. What you've done to justify the breath you draw, the space you occupy.

To me, that is.

"'But perhaps all these comrades of mine struggled just like me and sought something new, a path in life of their own, and like me were brought by force of circumstances, society, and race—by that elemental force against which man is powerless—to the condition I am in.' [He] began to grow fond of, to respect, and to pity his comrades in destiny, as he pitied himself."

You see the reason, then, why a question of import would unsettle me. Difficult to determine worth or import when history is vast, forgetful, and meaning is so often beyond our grasp.

Or maybe my import is to be a [...] either the vibrancy or the pall at a party. As time and mood allow. But who knows; my answer may change tomorrow.

[...]

I admire your principles.

They speak of a generosity of spirit. A desire for an older sort of justice answering what can't be borne. There is nothing good of 'an eye for an eye', but we place too much faith in the movements of government when a good fist will do just as well.

Call the rummaged pockets 'restitution'.

[ … ]

I don’t often take to nicknames. Like I said, chose my name, prefer to stick by it, usually

Usually

That said and done with, ‘Vevay’ I’m in for. Not so far from my own name. Removed enough it’s pleasing, fresh.

Yours to give, aye, guess that means it’s mine to take. So I do.

[ … ]

At the risk of coming off minimizing, sounds like you’re in well over your head. Doesn’t need to be as deep as that, Vitaly. Or as [ … ] vast, like. Thinking on a grand scale’s a good way to lose yrself. Removes the world away as well

Look a little more immediate, yeah? History’s fucked one way and another; there’s no getting around it, and no getting a handle on it, neither. Destiny’s no better Myself, I’ve never been much a fan of fate, seeing as fate’d have me fucked from day one.

As well, history is vast, that’s given. The present’s less so. Not small, nah, but more manageable, a bit. Look around you, what’s to do? What’re you acting about it, and what’ll we do when time’s here for restitution?

Good word that. Restitution. That’s my meaning caught and cornered and you’re right about a good fist as well, sometimes it’s on yr own self to reap what heirarchies’ve sown

There’re more words like that to speak what I’m reaching at, probably. Better than i have or’ve heard, or likely the Reckoner’s said em but i’m fucked if I recall.

(Eh, right. The Reckoner = Sen. also Wilco, Pasta, Seneca the Longer, DIY, Johnny Rotten, so on and so forth. nixing Renfield, as he’s got a point on the Renault name not to be crossed. Point is, he’s given to philosophizing, as you may or you may not have witnessed.)

So that above (lit or philosophy or what?), comrades and struggle, new paths, pity and conditions. I’m thinking new paths aren’t made alone, that’s too much on one set of shoulders. Then also there’s distinctions between making and rerouting. Materials ain’t found new whole-cloth, figure the work’s in repurposing, or else getting down to the centre of what’s there all along, take away the detritus give what’s waiting room to breathe

Question starts to look like, What’ve you got or what’s it you see you want remade?

That’s one question, and for that other, what’s offered for the world at large. Fair question, right question for minding. Can’t say for certain on my own offer’s count. There’s more I could do; that’s the truth. There’s important acts I’ve failed on; there’re others have gone right. Don’t know how the balance looks. Don’t know if it’s the balance matters most

Got to think small things count for something. Count for a lot, viewing the aggregate. Get a lass’s car running no fuss, no mucking about. Fix a sink, never mind about the charge bc the man’s mum’s been on hospice. Give a shoulder to sob upon, sure. A drink for who’s thirsty, bite for who’s running empty. Skinned my knee when i was seven, eight maybe. A neighbour down the way, never knew her before nor much after, gave a hand, patched me up. That’s with me still, kept near when I’ve needed it.

Give someone a bolstering, or lend someone a reason. Doesn’t have to mean playin Atlas or skifting all the world, that’s what i’m saying. Effect and effects therefrom; ripples ever-outward, see it?

[ … ]

Fucking rattling yr ear off with preaching. Last thing for now, then

You’re getting a name yet. Haven’t found it, letting this one take its time in gathering. Not thinking I want to rush it, and I hope I've got no cause to rush.

Edited 2024-02-01 02:04 (UTC)

Literature. It isn't important; only a way of stating my thought better than I could have, myself. Borrowed words.

Please: speak as much as you like. I can't promise you that I'll be able to meet you - particularly in speech, though in text, I fare much better. I've always left the speeches to Senan.

I find your words interesting. Comforting, in a way. Your view of the world is refreshing, kinder than most. Simpler in a way I wish things were simple. Are you happy, living this way?

Maybe I overcomplicate [...] most things. A day, a week, a lifetime all taking the same shape as an hour, and none of it mattering; such thoughts as this, you see? Sometimes I think I -

Know solutions. The answer. I drink and it comes to me, and then I wake sober and I've lost it again.

But you have it, don't you? Simplex sigillum veri.

[...]

My import, simply? To be a friend, I suppose. To Darius, to Senan and Rin. To this [...] Enri, now.

To you, why not.

And to appreciate!

I appreciate much. Life, simplicity, beauty, the things that pass fleetingly and never come again, but last.

[...]

You speak of 'Vevay' like a vow. You take names very seriously for someone who lives with such simple importance. That isn't a condemnation. Just an observation.

Well. I'll call it my honor, then~~, and will let no one else use it. You can be Vevay only to me~~

Leaving speaking to Sen’s not so bad a call, long as you’ve an hour or three to tune out the rest of the wide world, let yrself fall into his yarning. He’s got a knack for it, that one. Always did And credit to Wilco, I figure that one thrives upon complications

Can’t say the same for myself. You’re dead on about me, sayin I lean toward the simple. Takes work getting there, mind, batting through what’s complex, so it is and it ain’t simple keeping simple, if that makes a lick of sense Took years getting the tangles out from myself. Peeling em out still, I don’t doubt.

I’m getting toward saying it ain’t no stain on you, the complications. Hard to overcomplicate what’s a mess from the start, right? In particular as it persists on growing messier each year

Here, so, what’re you, who’s Vitaly in simple terms? From the sounds of it, friend and appreciator. Ukrainian, well-traveled. Capable of enduring God Hisself in his furies and The Longer’s diatribes. Prone to falling into cogitations, a man seeking answers

Something like a philosopher yourself, aye? Meditative, poetic yr own way. So there’s one name for you, Ovid.

And another, Tavi.

Not claiming that one’s creative on my own part, mind. Think on it like a matter of eh vibes, like musicality in speaking. It’s got a good sound to my mind. And it’s got its meaning, even if theres no dictionary tells it.

Better no dictionary tells it, maybe; leaves room for your own self.

Same’s true with any name a man takes on himself or lets in, or finds tossed his way. Like said, I don’t take a lot of names from outside, never know the thorns thrown in em waiting to prickle, right? Don’t often like the sound of em, neither.

So it’s a rare thing, hearing one I like

[ … ]

If we meet, you and I Or let me put it when we meet, call me Vevay, I’d like to hear it said

It’s no small thing by the by, being a friend. Nor dismissable, appreciating what’s around you. Not many bother or care to give it a go, busy looking elsewhere

Give us a specific. What’s something beautiful you’ve seen, what’s its beauty?

Further, putting aside complications, never mind about realism or otherwise, what’s one thing you want for yourself? Given all of time and resource and telling logic to get fucked, what’s one thing you’d do?

[ … ]

[ … ]

That’s me, posing questions before I’ve answered your own

Am I happy. Loaded question, that

Wouldn’t say I’m in misery. Better off now than when I started, that’s sure, and compared to most I’ve no grand cause for whinging these days. Any trouble I’ve got to bear’s what comes of living. Same goes with questions unanswered

I’ve got my fulfillments, that’s something, and most times what’s good or at the least tolerable outweighs the [ … ] fuck’s the word, malaise, that. Got ways to keep my own self steady, mostly.

[ … ]

Ain’t the same as being happy, truth. Don’t know I can say I’m that, not on the overall. But like it’s said, that’s living, and if I’m given the choice of looking on what alleviation’s possible and given, or of entertaining a 24/7 stare-off with the void, guess I’ve made my choice and mean to make it til my end of days

I'm all right enough, that's an answer.

I was understanding you until 'Tavi', but if there's no dictionary definition and only a vibe, maybe you can't say where it comes from.

You could just call me Vitaly.

Talik - depends. One is for friends, the other is for [...] endearment. "God Hisself" doesn't call me Talik, nor does Senan. So there you see the nature of it?

Diminutives are complicated for us.

Ukrainians. Not you and me.

There are social rules. We should be friends before we call one another familiar names.

You see why I have none, then, eh?

Ah, you won't like that. It was only a joke; of course there are friends and familiar diminutives. Darius and Senan have found many names to call me over the years, including 'Shithead'. I would say Rin, also, but sometimes I think they forget I exist. (That is not a joke.)

[...]

I suppose if we are to meet, we will be friends, part of the same circle. I'll call you Vevay if you like.

[...]

There is much to be said for 'Nova'. The burst of a new star - or is it a comet? Nevermind; perhaps 'new' is the best meaning for me to take from it. New and alive.

How little the world has that may be both new and alive.

Ah, but you asked me questions, and answered mine, so I should answer in kind. It's polite. What have I seen that is beautiful?

Many things. But here: something else both new and alive.

[ He attaches a picture of a large, clean, bright-eyed puppy looking directly at the camera; the man holding her is looking off to the left and grinning. ]

I found her outside of Kyiv. Before all of this shit with Russia. She was very dirty, barely any dog at all. I could count her ribs, you see? She had fleas and worms, but I took her home to clean her up. Now she looks like that.

Bigger. Much bigger. Not a pup anymore. I worry she may grow larger, her paws are so big.

She is my something beautiful. Full of joy and [...] I don't want to be unkind about her. Hm.

She is [...] a different kind of simple from you.

[...]

The other question is more difficult. I know answers; I know the impossibility of them, so putting logic aside means little. It only makes the melancholy stronger. Better to ask for things with potential, like -

I want a strong drink and a warm meal tonight.
I want to see what is so special about the buildings in New York.
I want to outlive Putin.

[...]

I want to meet you, Nova, and call you 'Vevay'.

[...]

I want to know why you aren't happy. Why someone like you has malaise.

Ha, you said 'one' thing. There, that's my mistake. The drink and meal, then. It troubles no one.

Edited 2024-02-04 21:42 (UTC)

Talk like this and a photo like that and I’m thinking I might be lost to falling hopeless thrice over.

Fuck me running.

[ … ]

Didn’t expect that.

Ask most folks what’s beautiful, they’re not like to send a dog, and more’s the shame for them. It’s a good answer, binds beauty side-to-side with life. Warms a man’s heart, no feigning, and you’re dead right she’s a beautiful pup

Happens you’re a beautiful
Fuckssake

That you with her, then? ~~Got a nice smile about y~~

Took her in and cleaned her up sussed out the dog beneath the dirt. Not many’d do that either or nah, neh, nevermind this about what anyone else’d do, comparison’s a fruitless business, easy to fall into, runs circles through itself goin nowhere. Better said I call it crucial, acts like that, taking up care without knowing what’s to follow, what yr effort’s like to yield. Act of a worthy man, I’d say. Do say. You’ve got a heart to you, Vitaly.

She’s your beautiful thing, you’re her reason. That’s not small.

She got a name, your girl?

Eh, names abounding this night. There’s more to be said there, but what I’m addressing here and now is your calling it a mistake, giving more want than one. There’s no mistake I’m seeing, and I can’t go letting you axe off the rest of those wants. Thing is, I ask for one, you give me more, I call it a bonus. There’s enough of melancholy and malaise both to occupy the wide worlds for centuries to come. Speaking claim for what’s good or what’s wanted’s a way of staking balance, gives pull against what’s sorrowing.

I’ll put in a good word for and seconding of that stiff drink, that meal at its side. I’m ahead of you on both counts aye and can’t recommend strong enough. Worth noting if you don’t ken or haven’t heard, steer clear of Marney’s. Looks a likely pub from outside, but it’s shite for liquor and decor alike, not to speak of the clientele. Full to the brim withs fuckin wankers, is what I mean. Added to which the publican’s a closet fkin fascist, though that in itself ain’t rare.

Right. So I won’t fault you for sticking to what’s possible, what with all the melancholy in the world. Like to say there’s no harm in what’s it, dreaming big or hoping, but that ain’t right. More a question whether whatever’s hoped’s worth the potentiality of said hope falling though and [ … ] that’s not always so. Can’t fault you, then, nor shall I.

Happens that a want of yours meets with my own. I want to meet you, I want you to meet me. I want to hear you call me ‘Vevay,’ truth, and I’ll call you ‘Talik,’ if you should allow.

I like that one, I do. ‘Talik.’ Given to you, chosen, or something else besides?

My profession here’s I can’t say I quite follow on your meaning or either grasp the intricacies of Ukrainian diminutives (can’t say I’m much up on societal rules all in all), but I’ll get there. I learn steady, and what’s this modern age of wonders for, if not caulking up the gaps of ignorance. Meaning if I’ve spoken back your name too swift, it isn’t in impertinence.

Any rate, come to that wedding, we’ll be among us fellow Shitheads and here’s another want of mine, I’d like to call you friend ~~at the least of it~~, alongside any other name.

Suppose if you’re game for it, you might hear something of malaise. It’s naught I talk on often, or I try to make no habit of it, but travel and old friends, new friends, weddings have a way of driving all manner of sentiments to the surface. Can’t promise it’s cheery, as I suppose the ‘malaise’ label advertises for itself, but it ain’t so rotten, either.

Related and on the subject of Shitheads, the sense I get’s Rin’s got a memory for anywhere between six and seven faces caught in knowing. Up til the matter of wronged teeth or hats or curios arises, ofc. Nothing speaking against them, only a fact to lay out there, and I can’t see how’d yourself’d be forgotten otherwise.

Shite, before I go forgetting to ask, next question, last question only for the now: What’s your girl looking like these days? Any chance of a further photograph?

Nova-Love.

Assuming someone were to contact me - casually, of course, with the most offhand of airs - and ask for a photograph of you, ostensibly so that this individual might 'recognize [you] in a crowd' upon arrival in New York.

Such is our assumption: that this individual wants only to put a face to a name.

I assume I am not to send the one of you sleeping with your mouth open and a cigarette stuck to your cheek, but rather something of the more 'attractive' variety?

[...]

No, let me rephrase.

What face would you like put with your name for this individual whose intentions are utterly casual and benign and perfectly reasonable?

~~Did he rea~~

[ ... ]

Yeah, give us a min.

[ A minute. Fifteen minutes, close enough, all spent seeking through his phone, thinking, deciding and then redeciding because nah, that one's too flirty, something amiss with his hair in that other, then there's one that'd be good were it not for the fact he looked stoned out from his mind which, to be fair, was likely the case.

Finally, he sends a recent picture, taken on a football pitch, himself leaning against the goal, fingers wrapping through the net. The afternoon's sun soft, diffuse behind him; his own expression quietly pleased, perhaps a little wistful. ]

That's the one, please and thanks.

[ ... ]

Wait wait, hold

[ Nova nearly, nearly sends a second picture, thinks again, messages Sen again— ]

Nah, aye, keep with that one.

Chances of begging a return pic off you? Assuming you've any of him, him being Vitaly, myself lacking any talent toward allusions and sidespeaking, leastwise not in this moment.

Thing is, you see. I'm thinking I enjoy his company.

[ ... ]

Here, favour for a favour—

[ Nova next sends a photo just now found among his phone's archive: Sen of about a decade ago sprawled sitting in a sofa, held in careful poise, looking for all the world as though he's forgotten how to breathe, gone stricken. His eyes are fixed on Rin Renault, who'd fallen asleep against his shoulder, their hand clasped to his forearm. Rin's hat is settled on Sen's head - for safe-keeping, of course - and the picture's caught Sen's hand in the midst of carding with clear care through Rin's hair. ]

Vitaly, if you please? And you'll have ofc my undying thanks upon yrself, dear Senan.

[ Several minutes pass. Sen is held rapt by the photo; he remembers that day so clearly, but doesn't remember anyone taking a picture of him. With -

Ah, Rin.

He stares at himself across the span of a decade and thinks, Hold out, you. One day, they'll wake up and smile at you the way they smile at me. It'll come around again - the right time, and it will keep going as it does, but Rin will have all those days you promised.

And then he sends it to Rin to print out. They need it framed somewhere, because Rin looks angelic (always) in their sleep. ]

I believe you're due more than a favour, Nova-Love.

[...]

Thank you.

It's strange, loving them so openly. I forget, sometimes, that I needn't keep silent.

My lovely Rin.

[...]

Let me see what I have of Vitaly. And [...] guard yourself, with him. Be careful. He's a good man, Vitaly is, but he is - his life is - complicated.

And if you've been speaking with him for any length of time, you'll have cottoned on that he falls prey to fits of melancholy and sudden excitations. It isn't to do with his mental health, mind.

He's a soft soul, though. Too kind for his own good. Not like the rest of us. Fucking ironic, is what it is, what with him embodying the hypermasculine Eastern Bloc aesthetic.

[...]

Still searching. Give us a moment.

[ In the end, he sends three photos: the first is Vitaly and Sen standing side-by-side, arms around each other's shoulders; in their free hands, they're each holding bathroom signs. Vitaly is clearly doing this because Sen asked but finding it funny nevertheless; Sen looks elated. The photo gives Nova an idea of how tall Vitaly is; he's nearly even with Sen, but almost twice as broad. (Which isn't saying much, really.)

In the second, his back is to the camera; he's in a pool (?) smoking what is probably a cigar. His back is on full display with all its varying tattoos not quite hiding muscle definition.

The third is recent: Vitaly wheeling a motorcycle along, his hair longer and pushed up with sunglasses; he's looking at the photo with a beleaguered smile as if to say, "Why aren't you fucking helping?"]

There. Now we've reached equilibrium.

You're welcome.

[ … ] [ … ] [ … ]

Jesus fucked n jesus wept.

Credit where credit’s due, you know your way to a man’s gratitude. Couldn’t have asked for better, more apt if I’d tried. So there’s my thanks for you set and sealed

And that’s you going above and beyond this day, Mr. Renault, though we’ll call it equilibrium if you please.

Also to say, years after years, you earned your open loving on ~~Renault~~ Rin, however saccharine or otherwise demonstrative you like it. Good on you, speaking up on it ~~at last~~. Bit surprised, myself. Might say I’m impressed Been a slow burn, aye, but a pleasing resolution.

Grats to both of you, I mean.

[ … ]

I’m seeing that in him, the [ … ] gentleness, that’s a good word for it.

Don’t know’s I’m worried about guarding myself when kindness’s in play. Not much he can do to me I’ve not had before, yeah? And fits ain’t nothing new, same goes with complexities ~~True be told, I’m a bit worried about him for his own sake, if you can believe that~~

…Asked about Lolly. He did. You know me, can’t help but give the truth of it.

[ … ] Might’ve been a mistaken, suppose that’ll be seen one way or the other

[ … ]

Tall fuckers, the both of you. The arms on this man.

That photo at the pool.

Fuck me running.

Theres’s no argument from me: he’s an attractive one. I’m not certain how aware he is of that fact, mind. Vitaly likes his dog and his causes, and his mind goes little elsewhere.

I suppose there’s nothing to worry for on your side; only -

Sometimes a little too noble for my tastes, that one. Vanishes for stretches, bows out of conflict. It’s a wonder, too; put him in a guerilla situation and he’ll tear through like a fucking tank, but socially, Nova. Socially, he’s faint of heart, I believe.

He was married, you know. Now, that part is neither here nor there; she had an exceptionally public affair with Deforest - of all of the cocks in the world, she had to pick the prick.

Bloody mess, all of it. What I know of it, he let her do what she liked after he found out. No quarrel, no divorce. Vanished off the face of the earth, him.

The divorce came much later, though I can’t say I know the outcome. The extravagance of her lifestyle, though - I expect she bled him dry. Took advantage.

Fucking Madeline. Never could stand her.

What I mean here is: he’s passive, Vitaly is. Kindness and passivity open oneself to manipulation. Usage.

But I know you, Nova-Love. I believe you’d be good for him. You are far from passive. Perhaps he’ll take notes.

Ah, and -

Well, no harm in saying.

Verne is himself the reason you’ve never met Vitaly. Last you and Vitaly were in the vicinity of one another, you were involved with Verne; he asked us not to “fuck it all up” for him by letting you have an eyeful of Kozak.

He knew. I suppose we all suspected you might develop an appreciation for Ukraine, if you will.

Don’t be hard on Lolly; he only wanted the entirety of the time he had with you. […] Perhaps don’t mention it to him. He’s been stabbed in the ass with knitting needles and caught squatting in Darius’s apartment. And Nelli and Pippa coming around hopped up on stolen caps. That’s enough to manage.

Has he shown you his dog?

Edited 2024-02-06 20:56 (UTC)

I’d like to be good for him, and moreso the fact is I mean to be, however that transpires. Might be said I’m charmed, and so I am, but it’s something otherwise as well, settling deeper

[ … ]

Could be you’re right and I ought to be careful. Could be that’s a warning I’ve no adeptness for heeding, not that you need telling on that.

Eh, you know me and how I’m daft for a bit of nobility. Rattles at the heart, and thing of it is I’ve seen not an ounce of that faintness from the man at all, or anything that’s started flinching he’s smoothed out.

[ … ]

Fuck me but I think he’s trying. ~~Know he is, or that’s as I feel it~~

[ … ]

Dodo, aye, cheerful lass she looks, beautiful pup just as goofy as they come. He told me it, how he found her, cleaned her up took her home. [ … ] Saw him in the photos with her, and the way he’s smiled I can believe it when you say she’s one of the few he likes (Don’t know about the causes, haven’t got there yet) You met her?

[ … ]

For that other matter [ … ] Happens your message came at a propitious time. Put some pieces to place, and I appreciate the fuller view. Appreciate you, Senan

[ … ]

Vitaly and eh [ … ] Madeline. How long was it they were married and like. Or maybe my meaning’s when’d they split? Doesn’t matter so much and I can ask him myself, come to that. You’ve spoke of her before, yeah? Or someone did within my hearing, can’t say I’ve clear recollections. Can say I’m developing a fast binding ire toward her, to the surprise of not one body in this chat. Can say it sounds as if she warrants it.

Clear fucking mess, all of that

Jesus it’d do a number on a man, fuckin spiteful sounds like, and Scarface’s brother of as you say, all the pricks. Something I'd like to know, hypothetically speaking as I warrant there’s no answer beyond familial obligations is how that weaselfuck goes on living.

[ … ]

Gonna strangle Lolly next I see him, is what I'm like to do. Not that I've a chance at getting my hands around that tractless neck of his

Nor that I can keep ireful at him for long. Never could do, nor would want to. Verne’s right enough, mardy twonk that he is. And credit to him, he wasnt half wrong about my regarding Vitaly, not that I mean to mention what’s bygone Remains that the least he could do’s keep the twins off yourself :/

Fuck is this goin on about the needles? Your Rin stab the man or what?

Related, seems I’m on the hook for pullin a hat from my arse before I hit New York. Fair enough and I should’ve done it years since. Got a thought to follow up on, see how this turns

Madeline is a manipulative little snake; likely you've heard all of us speak of her in that particular context. Mind you, none of us knew it before she got her nasty little claws in Vitaly. It's a slow unveiling with her.

Vitaly or no Vitaly, stay well clear of her. She'll take any opportunity to fuck with you simply because the fucking's available. Thinks it's funny, I expect.

[...]

The needles? No, he fell on them during a scuffle with Enri and Blake. I wouldn't put it past Rin to have turned them sharp-end-up, though.

Verne should thank all his lucky stars those weren't my mum's.

[...]

Fuck me, if he's shown you the dog already, he's interested. Even if you didn't twig to any faintness, surely you've noted he's a private person. Moreso than most any of us, I should think. I couldn't say for certain as one can't know what one doesn't know.

Well. Good. The both of you deserve some enjoyable company.

[...]

If you can't find a hat, I have a cache of them. You can owe me instead of them, which is - you'll agree - far preferable.

Edited 2024-02-08 03:14 (UTC)

citrinesupernova - 2024-03-17 22:39 (UTC) - Expand

2/3

citrinesupernova - 2024-03-17 22:41 (UTC) - Expand

3/3

citrinesupernova - 2024-03-17 22:41 (UTC) - Expand

[ Not long after receiving a photograph from Sen - and after staring at said photograph with a look of mingled wistfulness, sadness, and appreciation - he replies with another photo of his own.

Of the dog, of course.

He just happens to be in the picture with her. It's more recent, this one: the dog sprawling on her back on a sofa, her head on his lap; his feet are kicked up on a table just out of view in the foreground.

Dodo's tongue is hanging out; Vitaly is laughing, playing with one of her paws with one hand and holding a bottle of vodka and a cigarette in the other.

Either it's a small bottle or he's quite a large man.

It's nothing. Of course. They're just talking, and Nova is just friendly, and Vitaly is just...lonely, really. (But he thinks he'd talk to Nova even if he wasn't lonely. It's not fair to Nova to say he's only talking to the man because he's lonely.)

(It's not the only photo he has of himself with Dodo.

It is one of the few in which he's wearing a tank top, baring his heavily-tattooed arms.) (No reason.) ]

I named her пампушка - Pampushka?

It doesn't matter. In English, it's Doughnut, so that was what everyone called her first. Then she stuck her head in a [...] ковпак. The thing for tyres, what is the word [...] Hub cap.

So now, just Dodo. She looks like this, or she has something stuck on her head. Very brave, my girl, which is not always a good thing when one is the not-Nova kind of simple.

[...]

Did you understand my meaning about 'Talik' or

It makes me breathless, seeing you use it, but I barely know you. The potential, though, you see, it's all the potential and possibility I feel when I read your words

I'm sorry, I asked Sen for your photo

I had to see y

I'm married. You should know I'm ma

Not that it matters at all

No, I won't go to Marney's. Some friends will meet me I think at Walsh's. I'm not in the right mood tonight for fighting with fascists or anyone else. [...] I'm enjoying our conversation very much.

~~You're very charming even in your talkativeness - or perhaps because of it~~

It's too bad, isn't it, you're so close and so far. [...] Because you could join us, otherwise, I mean to say! Perhaps I we could raise your spirits some. ~~Would you call me Ta~~

[...]

But no matter, eh? We can talk here.

Go on, [...] Vevay, and tell me your malaise. Perhaps talking will help.

[...]

[...]

You [...] may call me that. Of course.

~~Ah, this is stupid of m~~

And 'friend', as well.

[...]

Do you know Verne very well? I ask only because [...] of how you speak in the group with him, of course. You call him 'Lolly' as his sisters do. I suppose you two are ~~togeth~~ close.

Edited 2024-02-05 04:53 (UTC)

[ Okay, so. There’s no doubt left that the man in the photos is the same Nova’s speaking with right now.

Which.

Sure. Yeah. Yeah jesus, those're some arms, and that is—

Vitaly is. A very. Very attractive man.

Not a man Nova would've thought to see attached to these exchanges, this loving on a rescued pup, this self-doubting and this speech that feels like the tip of an iceberg running deeper than Nova's glimpsed.

This talk of raising spirits and if only, god above sure, if only he were in Dublin right here and now.

He saves this photo with the one before. Looks over both again, smiling to himself, before responding. ]

Dodo! Don’t know as I’ve ever seen such joy for life in a dog Goofy little lass, isn’t she? Eh, maybe not so little. Looks like she’s got a love for you, and you for her.

[ … ]

You’ve got a smile I’d call contagious, you know that?

Presuming that’s you there, which I’m taking is a safe assumption.

Jesus, it’s a good smile.

[ … ]

There’s a lot I’d like to say. Which, here’s a thing, says itself something about how I’m feeling re this talk of ours, since most days I’d’ve lost track with my own thoughts by this hour, not worth holding onto em usually, what’s the good in holding if no one receives? Meaning if I give no fucks whether anyone receives because there’s few hands I’m giving trust to.

Isn’t the case here. Isn’t so with you, the way I feel it.

Diminutives uncomplicated between you and I, which doesn’t suggest a lack in meaning. Talk goes deeper than most, and I don’t balk at it, don’t think it’s going nowhere.

My meaning is I’m enjoying this conversation my own self. I like the ways you place your word, the matters you take your speaking after. They’re important, the words you’re choosing, and I feel it in em, right? You’ve said my view of the world’s kinder than most, and I won’t argue the point, knowing what I do about the propagation of shit stirrers. You’ve an eye for what a world could be like, as well as a kindness in your own right, the sort I like to hear and the sort not often found, yeah? The sort you might extend a little further to yrself, as it strikes me you’re right hard on Vitaly, aye?

My meaning’s also I can’t say I ever wished to be in Dublin more than now. Fuckin Irish Sea.

No changing what’s geographical, so I’ll content myself with messages, and count myself glad, lucky just as well. ~~Be grand if you could skip on over here, though. Night’s young enough and I’ve got clean sheets to spare and fuckin am getting far the fuck ahead of myself.~~

Happens you’ve raised my spirits already. The night here’s not so easy on a man. Gets lengthy, gets cold, and there’s hollows this country and its fuckin rains bring out relentless. Wasn’t the brightest day to begin before that group avalanche started rolling, and I’m pissed to fuck with Lolly.

Which. [ … ] [ … ] ~~Best get this one out the way~~ You’ve got the right of it: I’ve known the wazzock the arsehole a good while now, him and Sen both. Since I first came south of Harrogate, right? Met the twins, that’s Nelli and Pippa, Verne’s sisters through the meagre times I did set foot in that school, and as they took to me all right, I hung around their place, leading to the acquaintanceship of Verne and Senan. Thing about his sisters is [ … ] Look, don’t know you’ve met them or not, but [ … ] they make Laverne look the top of MENSA. So I try to look in on em and after em much as I can, Lolly being away more often than not, and you see why I’m fucked off Lolly’s giving not a drop of shite.

[ … ] Yeah as well. Look, I ain’t saying it represented any high point in my life, and I’d ask you not to judge too harsh but then as well your feeling’s up to you, so [ … ] yeah I fucked around with him a bit. Dated him? That, sort of a one-time thing, don’t know I can call it a lapse in judgment but I do know I’d not repeat it. There’s as much beneath the surface as a pissing puddle ~~and sure he’s an all right fuck~~ and a man can only take so much of that. So, eh. That’s been done with a decade since. But I figure it’s better told by me than any other body.

[ … ]

~~Fuck, might be I shouldntve~~

~~Fuck I don’t want~~

[ … ]

You with me still, Talik?

~~Shite, shite, apologies if I’ve~~

Talik

Talik, Vitaly, Talik, Talik

[ … ]

Most days I don’t care a damn who knows what I’ve done with which person. It’s past and if it meant anything lasting, it’d be ongoing, yeah? Had a lot of doings with a lot of people. That’s living, or that’s living if one’s myself and if [ … ] lasting’s not been much accounted for, and there’s always something doesn’t mesh right.

[ … ]

It ain’t that I’m ashamed, only [ … ] I can’t say rightly how it sounds. From where you are, you get me?

Thing is, I don’t want to lose you.

Lose talking with you. Lose you. Either, and both.

Edited 2024-02-06 04:36 (UTC)

[ It takes him a while to be able to respond; he feels as though something inside him has broken, or broken open. He doesn't want his food; the lager tastes like ash in his mouth.

(I don't want to lose you.

He can't stop reading those words.)

This isn't...good. He's misleading this man, or Nova's rushing headlong at something Vitaly is only able to sort into vague shape.

But. But he can't leave that message unanswered. It's cruel. (A pang of guilt: he's cruel, he's being cruel, letting Nova think this can be something besides texts. Besides friendship.)

...He reads 'Talik' and his breath catches again, again, like the very core of him is shaken through. He can hear Nova's voice, though he's never heard the man speak. He can imagine the pitch, the perfect bite of syllables - the softness. (Like -

Oh, like -)

(Like impossibility.) ]

I'm still with you.

[...]

You have nothing to worry about. Not with me. I don't know you well, Nova, and your past is your past. Who am I to find fault in what it has been, when it's ~~brought you to m~~ made you who you are?

I have far worse sins to my name than intimacy with Verne. [...] He's a good man. ~~Stupid, but~~

And if I felt a moment of envy, there are many reasons why it might have been, eh? That you have lived a life I almost wish had been mine, or that Verne has had the good fortune of knowing you for so long. That you're so free with your words.

Honest.

[...]

~~Of course, you won't lose me. We're friends, aren't we.~~

Nova [...] you shouldn't say such things to me. I shouldn't have allowed you to use that name.

[...]

Ah, see, I've sent that terrible message, and I feel the hollows you speak of. The loss of a name. The loss of the voice upon it. I meant to say - and I am foolish for it, yes, - that reading your words feels like possibility.

Like a great unfolding that might alter a life, word by word.

I hang upon every word you write. Even those I wish not to read, I do so greedily because you have written them, and you are, somehow, terribly important.

It's a small misery, you know, because what feels like possibility is [...] just my lonely night speaking to me. A misery tempered by gratitude in knowing I could raise your spirits even for a moment.

[...]

I [...] am married, Nova.

That I am married unhappily, that I have not seen her in nearly two years - it doesn't matter. I should have told you before I let you call me 'Talik'.

[...]

Forgive me. I had no intention of [...] misleading you.

I can only say for myself: I didn't realize how it would move me each time you wrote that one word.

How my soul shudders.

I say, too, that it was not loneliness or foolishness. How cruel it would be for me to say I have felt my being tremble tonight, but deny that you are the cause.

[...]

Ah, but if I have misunderstood your meaning, then please, be magnanimous and nevermind my rambling words, eh? I am prone to fretfulness, to making trouble from nothing.

Edited 2024-02-06 06:36 (UTC)

[ That’s the night falling in on itself, silence turned into a roaring.

There’s a thought about the glimpse of starlight flaring brilliant, so bright it feel like hope itself, only to collapse in on itself, turning potentiality to void.

So much for beautiful daydreams.

Fucking… Right.

His head feels heavy now. And he thinks he’s nearer to sober than he’d like.

Still. Still, it could be worse. Still, the words, professions in that message reach into his heart and settle there, only further stoke the glow blossomed through their text exchange, this growing more-than-interest in Vitaly Kozak.

There’s kindness in this man, and heart, that’s sure. And what Nova feels above all else is a bleakness settling downward; sorrow for Vitaly, and sorrow for himself. ]

Right. Yeah. Right.

Fuck. Yeah, nah, that’s [ … ] on me, that is. Get too far ahead of myself, that’s a known fact

Should’ve asked

~~Should’ve known~~

[ … ]

Going to miss that word.

Your name.

[ He lets himself speak it aloud, two times, five times more.

No harm saying it however many times he wants this night.

No harm going to sleep with it on his lips

No more harm than’s been done already, fuck. ]

~~…Fuck, going to miss ‘Vevay,’ just as well.~~

[ He looks over what he’s written, knows there’s no cause for sending any of that. Knows he’s not given to accepting any kind of end, not so easy, no when something draws so strong as this does, as Vitaly does.

There’s no call to stop speaking, or end talk because a man happens to be married. Nova needs a minute, that’s all. Needs to let the first pangs pass and keep himself from driving any unintended knife. ]

Still here, myself.

[ … ]

Gathering ~~my pieces~~ my voice. There’s more to follow, know that.

~~Talik.~~ Vitaly. Don’t be so hard on yourself, hey?

[ He closes his eyes, drops a hand across his brow. Breathes, and gathers himself. ]

Edited 2024-02-07 03:48 (UTC)

Vevay [...] ~~please~~ ~~please forg~~

Please, how can I

I think I have never regretted anything so

[...]

Nova.

I'll wait. Whatever you wish to say. [...]

~~Even condemnation would be words written by you.~~

Take as long as you need. I'll wait.

[ It’s been a minute or two and he’s at the verge of trying again when he realizes another text’s come in, must have pinged sometime in the midst of reading Vitaly’s last message. If Nova isn’t entirely in the mood for reading whatever Sen’s sent - no fault against Sen; just Wilco had a point about being careful, and maybe Nova doesn’t want to think about that now - he figures it’s wisest to… Well. Just see if there’s anything at all to either alleviate or drive home the sense of drowning.

So yes, he opens the message and yes he reads and it’s—

Well. It’s puzzling, is what that is.

Because there’s divorce having been accomplished, and there’s divorce in early talks, never having gotten carried out at all. Or there’s the prospect of remarriage, and maybe Vitaly’s got a knack for drawing into shite situations. Neither options sits well with Nova. Neither seems right for this man; neither seems like life, or anything beyond a wretched colliding of circumstances.

(Not that Nova knows. Not that he knows much of anything, but there’s Sen to ask further questions of, and if nothing else, Nova knows what he feels, and knows what he read from Vitaly Kozak.)

He’s heard the name ‘Madeline’ before; he’s fairly certain of it. Talked of as among the ranks of Deimos’s prick of a brother, always with acerbity.

(He doesn’t like to think of anyone sinking fangs into this man, drinking him dry. It isn’t fucking right. Shouldn’t fucking be permitted.)

Something more: For all Sen’s talk of Vitaly’s social faint-heartedness and propensity for vanishing (talk Nova doesn’t doubt, because sure Sen talks shit here and there, but he’s got an eye for observation of his fellow beings), Vitaly hasn’t retreated. Didn’t hide behind those attempts at claiming distance, either

There’s another message from (Talik) Vitaly. A sense of something settling back into place, warming itself again as Nova reads ‘Vevay,’ thinks he might have, must have smiled at that, a little bit. In spite of the mess at hand, in spite of how hopeless everything looked mere minutes ago—

Well.

Maybe all’s not lost, after all. ]

[ … ]

I’m feeling that hollow myself, that’s so.

You didn’t misunderstand a word of what I said or what I was speaking after.

Can be I’m too free with my expressing, too quick with the draw. Didn’t give you much chance for a breath, did I? ~~Only it isn’t often I feel this~~ ~~Don’t know I’ve ever felt quite so~~

Eh, well. Point being, you heard me right.

I know what I feel, and there’s no taking that back. Wouldn’t want to, anyhow. I’ll take a burst across the sky over blankness any day, no matter how the afterburn might ache. I can take a little burning. Can take a lot of burning, is the thing about me, and a moment’s hopes worth a life’s scar, sometimes.

I can’t say it doesn’t strangle, this about ~~your wife~~ [ … ] you being married. Can’t say it didn’t set the world off all its axes.

Still, I’d rather know, and there’s courage in offering over the truth, especially if any kind of [ … ] reciprocation’s involved, speaking in the way of feeling. [ … ] Going to guess it wasn’t easy speaking. And it means something, more than a little something, your saying the cause of your trembling.

You’ve not gone into hiding behind guises or silence. You’ve gone the mile to take down a feint or two that slipped in. I appreciate that, more than words tell.

Anyway. I’ve been walked into worse situations blind.

Be clear, I’m not faulting you, Vitaly. It’s no fault of yours I come on strong. [ … ] No fault of yours how you feel, either. Getting the impression there’s circumstances hard enough on you without your own recriminations on yrself.

[ … ]

There’s kindness in you, worlds of it I think. Not changing my mind on that point.

[ … ]

[ … ]

Look. I’ve got no mind to compromise you, put you at the centre of anything you want no part in. Or, fuck that ain’t right, nay, talk it apart from wanting, more I don’t want you compromising yourself, yeah? Feeling you’re less you and I’ve led you to it.

~~Thing is, I’m not sure you’re not already three feet down beneath the ocean’s floor. Something’s got you drowned and buried, Talik. Something’s got you forgetting how to breathe.~~

So I’m about to pose a question, but I want it known I won’t hold you to an answer. If it hits you awry, if you want to or if you need to close down talk of this, I mean your marriage, only say the word. [ … ] Can’t promise I’ll leave it lie forever, but I won’t pry at it this night.

Plenty elsewise we can speak of, I figure.

[ … ]

Yeah. The question, though. You say you’re unhappy in this marriage and I don’t doubt you, don’t think you’d be feigning and also two years tells something on its own. So

What’s keeping you with it?

Answer or don’t. Like I said, I’m not looking to make this harder for you or force your hand on anything. Not here for judgment, neither.

Been married once myself. For the sake of disclosure, or I mean to say I get shite happens. Partnerships that go sour one way or another. Marriages that’re rotten from the start. There’re reasons folks split and there’re reasons they stick.

Fuck if I ain’t starting to lose my own plot. Point being, what I said, answer or don’t, and tell me to shove off with it if that’s best. What’s it you need Vitaly, hey?

Beyond that.

Happens I’ve also got no wish to cease this discourse we’ve got going.

So whatever you say to the above, my ask is you keep on sticking with me here. Night’s long, yeah, and we’ve only just started on talking. So here’s the thing, then, as long as you can

Be with me still, as a friend, if by no other name.

Can’t say I won’t miss the name, only

Well. That’s enough from me for now likely

necropolitical - 2024-02-18 14:59 (UTC) - Expand

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